Newbies Nest

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Next, please;1421109 wrote:

AND, not that anyone cares, but I am going to make myself accountable by checking back in this eve to report how it went.

WRONG! I know I'll be waiting for your check in. :l

[New Day]

Newbies Nest

Me too, Next. We will be waiting for you.....and I will report too

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

new day - my husband still has no idea that I frequently drank his stash of vodka and then had to run out and buy more to replace it. He can easily keep some on hand for certain occasions. I hesitate to use the word special because there's nothing special about it to me anymore. I really never came clean to him about how bad I was or even that I WAS bad. But we did have conversations about setting a good example for our son and by not letting him think that alcohol had to be a part of every celebration, every sorrow, or even every dinner....I think that he believes that I have made a huge effort at being healthier and setting a better example. I have kept the door open that I will have the discussion with him in the future if I ever get lame brained enough to drink again....I know that I would have to incorporate his help then, but for now it's working the way it is....I wasn't pushing you to come clean....I'll be looking forward to hearing from you later, too!

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Next Please and New Day- This is great! You both sound ready to go. Now is the time. And I believe Accountability is so important that it should be considered "non negotiable"....at least that's what finally pushed me to the point of being able to string my non drinking days together.

Nurdle and Lolab- thanks for getting these two into the starting gate - they are winners!

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Nurdle- Is this day 90 for you?

[New Day]

Newbies Nest

I guess I'm just too embarrassed to tell him......and he betrayed me in other ways a couple of years back, so I haven't regained my trust in him fully as I was devastated by what he did. I guess I also think he hasn't earned the right to know.

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

And that's ok....I honestly understand how you feel...:l

You've got all of us here to lean on.

[New Day]

Newbies Nest

Thanks....gotta run....have to take MIL Christmas shopping....oh, joy!:thanks:

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone, Caution: major rambling/ 'War and Peace' ahead, feel free to ignore and move on.

Need to get a lot of hurt off my chest. Please bear with me.....

Welcome New Day, yes, how many days I started out with the supplements, poured myself the club soda and cranberry, the best of intentions, only to see it all crumble or go to hell later. So depressing. Don't know why it all falls apart sometimes.

Minstar, as someone who had two years and never felt or looked better, I can only say, I would give anything to undo the 'slip' I had. I felt I deserved a romantic night with my hubs, at one of our rare special old haunts. I has taken me years of depressing and debilitating struggle and I'm still not back. Not so easy to get back, even though I thought at the time, 'oh, I quit once, I can do it again'. Not so easy to get back on that horse.

Next please, I was reading a thread the other day, and there are many who feel that counting the days, kind of sets you up, like a countdown to failure. The consensus was that people should count in a way that makes them feel comfortable, like they are making some progress, even if its just more AF days per month than they've ever had before. I'm sure many agree with me. We don't need more defeat, which just makes us feel like giving up entirely. I feel some credit should be given for every improvement, even though I have found I am not one who can moderate in even the smallest way any more. Too much damage and water under the bridge.

Lolab, I did manage to get through the non-event birthday without a drink, mainly because I felt so shitty, I was too sick to even go out to get something. It's funny, birthdays were very important to my birth family, but my own husband, (whose job it should have been to get the kids, when they were smaller to plan or participate in something for me) never even remembered. Birthdays just don't matter to him. When my mom was alive, she kind of organized and drove things.

I remember one particular birthday, when my own brother who had come in from out of town, came by. My husband was particulary late from work, and I stupidly mentioned, 'oh, I bet he's out getting something for my birthday.' Well, he walks in and it was clear, he had nothing and didn't even remember. How embarrasing! The other time, my sister, whom I never see, except when she wants to show off something, had come over to show off the stunning new diamond ring her husbands had bought her for her birthday. (Our birthdays are close) Needless to say, my day was not even remembered by anyone. More embarassment! And a reinforcement that I don't matter much to anyone.

Same with Mother's Day. I remember sitting at a women's AA meeting, where every mother was recounting what a wonderful day they had and how much their children and husbands had done for them. One woman even had her husband, whom she had been divorced from for 30 years, call her up and tell her what a wonderful mother she had been.

I had four months sobriety at the time, and came home in tears, to call my older son to say, 'well, I was able to share that I get what I get every year, which is a big fat nothing! Needless to say, I'd had a few by this point. I hate hearing that expression "oh, it is what it is'. What the hell does that mean? Its a big fat f-you to me."

This from a mother who never missed truck, after truck at every toy store, to secure that impossible to find item, never missed an easter basket, or a valentines heart full of candy. A birthday party. It sucks! Well. I'm done now. Clearly lots of bitterness over all this, but I can't exactly beg, oh please make me feel like one of you gives a sh*t.

I know this is a big pity party, but I just need to vent or I will start drinking again. Thanks for those of you who understand.

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

Wow this place moves fast..I am already 4 pages behind...I will try to catch up tonight.
Day 2..did not sleep well at all but I know that is normal. Taking old doggie to the vet then plan to hit the gym. Need to make tons of calls for dad but I can only do so much and I need to remember that.
Thanks to all who were here last night to keep me company.
Back later
Dottie

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Dottie, I am so glad you are realizing that you need to pace yourself when you are having to do stressful things like making those phone calls.

Just the thought of having to do a stressful chore like that used to be enough to make me drink. I felt I needed to numb myself before I got started. It is so much better to take it easy on yourself and like you say "What gets done, gets done". The rest of it will be there when you get ready to tackle it AND, you will get much more done that way than you would have gotten done if you were working on it while drinking.

Hope your day is great! :l

[jjcopper]

Newbies Nest

Almost Free, you are not alone. I have felt the same way at times. I stopped counting days at day 16. Now I don't count but I am aware that I don't drink anymore so I don't feel a need to get up every morning and say day 17 and so on. I feel really good and I am more able to still handle my stress w/o the alcohol. I know my triggers and I find better ways to deal with them. I know where you are coming from in regards to family. I feel unappreciated all the time. I feel I am only used to provide money and fix things for my family. I am divorced with no kids. My sister lives up the street from me and her son lives with her. He has a lot of depression and doesn't want the side effects of medication so he smokes pot sometimes to feel better. We don't allow the pot in either of our homes so this is a great stressor for me sober. As to your own son try talking to him and telling him how you feel about not being important in his life and ask him what would make it better. Let him and the husband know your feeling of hurt. It will help you to talk about it. My 2 cents worth. Hope you feel better.

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Hi JJ, Thanks for your response and suggestion. I do feel better after venting. I feel even better that I was finally able to figure out how to delete that entire last message. God, did I really go on and on like that? I think I will stay off for a while, and just 'lurk' until this unholy amount of hurt feelings subsides. It's just all so raw right now, unfortunately coinciding with an emotional day 1, and now 2. Thanks again!

[EmbracingIt]

Newbies Nest

Crap

Well, I knew it when I thought about logging in last evening then did not. Then, it was getting my son off to bed a half hour early. Then, the drink. It is so strange. I start to think I deserve it and that I will strictly limit myself to 3 oz., just enough to "relax" but not enough to be HO. I forget that I do not want to do this at all.

It is like I lost my momentum.

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Hi Embracing. Can you think of an alternate "reward" for yourself - totally unrelated to Alcohol? I don't think there is anything wrong with rewarding yourself for a hard days work, but I bet there is SOMETHING else you could think of that would make you feel like you are pampering yourself. Whatcha think?