Newbies Nest

[Lasha]

Newbies Nest

Hi all,
Yes I've read MWO thanks! and for all the support from everyone, keeping busy reading MWO
forums and drinking lots of tea. Only really get an AL urge when I sit and think about it, must keep busy.

I think my mate giving up the booze, he's on a month now, has spurned me on. If he can do it anybody can. We were on an all inclusive holiday a few years ago and we had to go to the beach bar as we couldn't wait for the all inclusive bar to open at 11:00 a.m.
How mad is that.

Got to go to work tomorrow on a new project and it's quite intense so hopefully that'll take my mind off AL.:thanks:

[matchee]

Newbies Nest

Hi guys. I just want to the say thanks to everyone who congratulated me for 30 days friday. It was a huge step. But I'm still walking! Thanks Byrdlady especially for the kind note. As far as how I did it personally its really about getting my head clear and thinking about the consequences. How I lost a job (due to poor performance associated with drinking) the picking up my kids to go to the amusement park and being so drunk I didn't remember how to get there. (its 5 minutes from my house)

The painful truth is I have remember little episodes like this so that everytime thoughts come back and romanticize alcohol use - i think how trully absurd it is.

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

Today's encouragement...short, but seems fitting to posts.

"I think the number one thing that I find important is the importance of honesty with your friends and your parents, if you can be. But I think that telling people how you really feel, being who you truly are, being safe and taking care of yourself is the most important thing."


~Emma Stone~

Here is a quote for the newbies trying to get sober. Don't allow yourself to think anything else.

"I have the urge, but I won't satisfy it; I can't satisfy it."


"If you dont take care of yourself, the undertaker will overtake that responsibility for you."

~Carrie Latet~

YOU can do it. If I can stay sober with all this hell I'm in, YOU can do it, too! YOU are stronger than you think...think strong.

Love,

Slay

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

Almost, Dottie, and Slay....I say, if 'getting it out' helps, then get it out. You know as much as I carry on here, if someone doesn't want to read what I've written they can move on....same with you....but writing it is important. Remember, you can delete them later if you feel like it. In all of our cases, there's a lot more to drinking than drinking. There are all kinds of ugly thangs down there to be sorted....but once they are...the space in your head is much better organized. At least that's what I found.

Absolutely, Byrdie. This outpouring will pass for me. It's just about hitting the pressure release valve so I can function a bit better. I don't like to whine obsessively as it doesn't solve a thing and makes you ruminate on the problem instead of the solution. It's fresh, so I'm venting a bit and yes, it helps. Thanks!



Love,

Slay

[New Day]

Newbies Nest

Slay....sorry to hear of the struggles you are having ..... And posting here is as others have said, a good way to sort things out in your head when you see it written down.
Are you familiar with the song Strong Enough, by Cher.....listening to it helped me when I was having a terrible time in my marriage about 3 years ago.

Everyone here has got your back! Take care of yourself first.

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Good Monday Morning, nestmates!

Just reading back over posts from last night and my heart is breaking for Dottie, Almost and Slay and- all I know to do is to let you know that you are all included in my prayers and to send some big :l:l:l s. You KNOW we are all here for you!

Okay, so now I am the one who wrote a paragraph to you all and then deleted it. I really can't tell you anything you haven't heard and don't know in your hearts so I will just repeat something Slay reminded me of recently- You all know the Serenity prayer- it really helps me-hope it helps you!

LORD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

R.C.- I want to be beside you, along with all the others. I am going to be the one shining the lil light above your head. You know the way, R.C. It's not going to be easy to avoid the lure of that Christmas party, but, you will be much better off if you do. Is there an alternative to driving to your parent's house-since that is so expensive? Maybe see a movie or splurge on a book you have been wanting to read? You can always just hang out here in the nest. Hell, we can have our own Party here tonight. I hear Byrdie makes some "killer" fudge. I will bring the hot cocoa. Whatcha think?

Lasha, Congrats on making it thru day one. We are happy to have you here with us!

Hey Matchee :l

Later, All-
:h Star

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Good morning everyone, Welcome Lasha!

My God, Slay, all that and a dry socket, too? How are you coping with it all?! I so admire your courage in venting and feel it would give me tremendous relief to be able to share what is going on in my life, too. Maybe I won't delete the next one. Or I'll delete it after a bit. Just nobody copy and paste it please, in case I change my mind later....LOL.

Slay, loved your quotes: "I have the urge, but I won't satisfy it; I can't satisfy it". Truer words were never spoken. That is a great one to remember. I think I'll make it into a plaque. And the undertaker one. It reminds me of what kuya said about alcohol, being, for us, embalming fluid. Scary.

Lasha, I can only tell you the withdrawals get worse. I used to bounce back within a couple of days. This time, I was still sick and shaky up until yesterday, day 8...... It was the thought of having to go through another hellish week like the last one, that truly kept me from giving in. It's been a bad week for other reasons, too, but I'll share later on that.......maybe.....nothing worse than what other people are experiencing, but so exhausting to try to compose something that makes sense and isn't all over the map. If only I hadn't deleted it all three different times last night!

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

My God, Slay, all that and a dry socket, too? How are you coping with it all?! I so admire your courage in venting and feel it would give me tremendous relief to be able to share what is going on in my life, too. Maybe I won't delete the next one. Or I'll delete it after a bit. Just nobody copy and paste it please, in case I change my mind later....LOL.

A little percocet for pain, perhaps? lol Just took a pill about 15 minutes ago. Gave in again. I've been working on treating the dry socket myself. If it's not better by tomorrow, I'll give the dentist a call. I try to fix things myself first. I watched how the dentist fixed it last time, so doing that a bit myself.

We adapt through various levels of pain from initial breakdown to healing. I've been through a few full mental breakdown episodes with this situation, so this time, I'm really journaling and working through not feeling the victim/pity/all is bad emotions. I'd say I'm more angry right now at myself as well. I'm trying to use my reasoning capabilities more with my AF head. It's like taking your first punch in the face in the boxing ring. You fall down and are hurt. Each successive punch teaches you a little more and you start learning to defend yourself and get stronger. Of course having this place helps, too!!!! Those five stages of grief can alternate, so today I may be stronger than another day. Working on those positive thoughts!

No one is going to judge you. If they do what kind of person are they? Not someone you should give much consideration too. Do you journal at all? That helps, too, but having an active person or persons can be a bit more cleansing. Do what you are comfortable with, but don't fear what others are going to think. Do it for YOU.:l:h

Love,

Slay

P.S. - Thanks all! We have an outstanding group of people here at MWO!!! Truly!

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

Day 29 - New high water mark. Made it through a very-very challenging weekend unscathed. Turns out a lot of my old buddies admitted having to take time off too from AL at some point. Anyway, made it and now gunning to 30 and beyond.

Thanks (and you know who you are),
-Fin

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

Okay, so now I am the one who wrote a paragraph to you all and then deleted it. I really can't tell you anything you haven't heard and don't know in your hearts so I will just repeat something Slay reminded me of recently- You all know the Serenity prayer- it really helps me-hope it helps you!

LORD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

RIGHT ON, Star. A great reminder.:l


Thank you all for your caring comments. As always, it's like a cool gentle breeze on a very hot day. lol

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Fin- So proud of you, I could just pop! Way to show'em! To thirty and beyond!

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

Ok, so here's the story: my drinking took a turn for the worse when my mother died, and my older kids had left home. (I got news my father died three months before that, but we were never close and we hadn't heard from him since I was 7) Both of the older kids are very successful. Then there is the baby, now 21. Was very insecure and got in with a bad crowd at around 15. Years of increasing pot use, then everything else, mainly pills. Ironically it was never alcohol with him.

Increasing addiction, violence. Trying to be the biggest 'bad ass', coming from a very 'square' home.
Me, always a wreck, because my hubs is very straight arrow and one of the most disciplined people I know. He will not tolerate drug use. So me, always running interference, running home mid-day to fix holes in walls, etc.,kicking him out, over and over, but always to go to friend's houses. Finally, no one left. It was the street. The very mean streets of a big u.s. city.

He ended up with a friend in another country (a western one, thank God), Long time, no progress, us sending financial support. Moved him to a room, he couldn't cope, had a meltdown, sobbing, breaking down publicly, taken back in by friend, gave up pot, cigs, sugar, was working out, was doing really well for about three weeks. Everyone ecstatic. Then the strange emails......something very wrong.

Major psychotic attack, violence, arrest, hospitalization, on to the street in the middle of winter. Him delusional, not knowing what to do or where to go. Me, having to join him, him all med-ed up and suicidal. Me, 'babysitting' him 24/7, helping to get him to all the required legal/medical appointments. To get the charges dismissed. Every day a struggle for cooperation in all this.

Tons of research, horrible meds, horrible side effects, a lifetime sentence. Found Dr. Abram Hoffer's work, tried it with tremendous success. Weaned him off meds over months, started the niacin at the same time. Great progress! Eight months of no schzophrenic/psychotic episode. They just warned him to stay away from pot. Could trigger another episode. Finally well enough and back to normal enough to land a job. First paycheck, back to pot. Hubs is not with me, as he had to return to work a long time ago.

Pot getting worse, hubs wants me to give notice and come home and doesn't know about the pot yet. He has zero tolerance, after all we have already been through. He would just say kick him out. From kid's point of view, what's the big deal: 'I go to work every day, what's a little pot'. If I kick him out, there goes the job, very hard for him to get and very, very lucky to get it, the compliance with the niacin (very important) would go, too. Everything falling apart again. Back to square one, after ten months of work and worry and stress. Him back on the street, delusional again, freezing, afraid, alone.

I am still haunted by that story, months ago of the young schizophrenic guy who was beat up by the police. Beat to a pulp, and he died, crying for his Dad. I fear most something like that happening.

Hubs is coming for the holiday, within a couple of weeks, and wants me to return with him. Will not allow the kid to return with us. Won't tolerate the pot. No sympathy for his mental condition, as he feels he brought it on himself with his drug abuse. Frantic for a solution.

After months of looking, found a room just days ago, close to his work and affordable. They accepted him. Then, the next day, after apparently buying some new, much stronger pot, seeing bad signs. This will all jeopardize the room, the job, everything. If things deteriorate and they have to have him hauled away, more legal/medical issues, more meds, what to do? God, what to do?

They don't keep them in custody or in hospital. They release them on the street with meds they end up not taking. More psychosis, more brain damage. Him, alone, in the middle of winter, in a strange place. No job, no place to live, especially when on those meds.

It's very obvious on the meds that there is something seriously wrong. He is extremely hostile when I bring up the subject of the pot, of how much is at stake and how much he has to lose, after so much progress. He seems to lack an 'off switch' in ANY department. He gets very angry and abusive when the subject of the pot comes up. Almost had to call the other day to have him picked up. Or rather, I threatened to.

He has been able to keep his job, so far, but that's about it. And now he is coming home at lunch to get high, too. Ignores everything I say, with regard to warnings. Where will this all end? Badly, I'm sure! There is something in this latest variety he just bought, that is really bad news. I was never a pot smoker, so it's just observation.

He's supposed to move in to his new room on the 15th. Five days from now! I can see all that effort and expense being for nothing when they ask him to leave. And where will he go? God, what a nightmare! I have already been told, kick him to the curb. Easier said than done. Especially when there is mental illness involved.

There! It's finally out there. Thanks for listening.........Such a long involved story......no happy ending, I'm afraid...

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

Almost Free, you should not in any way feel embarrassed or afraid of judgement for posting that story. Any mom here will completely understand your heartache and struggle. I've been at the crossroads of an episode of 'my baby is going to end up on the streets', and it is extremely hard to cope with. It is, also, one of my triggers that made me drink like a crazy person.

I'll, also, add the way your son reacts to any mention of his pot use or not using gets the same reaction from my husband. It becomes a violent and temper filled room. I have recently purchased a book on Depression Free Naturally and with that and other research hope to find some replacements without the negative consequences that drugs have for us both, well that was the plan. Have you tried to calmly ask your son why he feels the need for pot? What it does for him? My husband suffers from ADHD and has very bad temper outbursts which he says he uses the pot to control it or can't function. However, it seems it is making the swings worse. His addiction is powerful. He was clean and so much better but one joint, like AL, and he started smoking more and more. Now even in the morning for breakfast. People say it isn't harmful, but live with someone's mood swings when fully addicted and I'll tell you it is just as bad as any addiction.

I'm just wondering if there is a natural approach that may give him what pot gives him? I've been meaning to do some research of how pot works in the brain and figure out what natural substances can help. This is why I asked why he smokes it? What is he looking to avoid? Anxiety? If the Niacin is helping the delusions, then why the pot? Maybe another issue?

BIG:l and lots of :h!!! I completely understand your heartache. Rest assured, though, AL will only compound your problems. Maybe allowing yourself to cry and getting it out will be more effective to help you cope. Maybe YOU need a counselor to talk to as well?

Love,

Slay

[almost free]

Newbies Nest

I've tried the St. John's Wort, Omega 3, l-tryptophan, etc. But he only took those when he was pot free, during the eight months he didn't have any money. He generally wants to dismiss any natural remedy. Although, I pointed out that he's free of all the terrible side effects of the meds and has had no recurrence of any psychotic episode, either. Check out 'ask a patient.com' and enter zyprexa or paxil. He gained 45 lbs in two months, was shaking all over, many, many bad side effects, many can become permanent. He was always very fit and proud of it.

The research of Dr. Hoffer, who treated over 5,000 patients over 50 years, is that schizophrenics don't process adrenaline the same way normal people do. It processes into something like LSD in them, which accounts for the hallucinations. That's why they are so afraid of stressful situations with schizophrenics. The increase in adrenaline. The niacin (3 grams a day) neutralizes the adrenaline by-product schizophrenics produce. The pharmaceutical industry, of course, has nothing good to say about Dr. Hoffer. But he had much better success than anyone else in allowing them to live a normal and drug free life. My experience was excellent, until the pot started getting worse.

He will find any excuse to justify the pot. His job is boring, the pot is not a problem, etc. He just refuses to give it up. Unlike us, we may not be able to stop, but we acknowledge that it's a problem. He is very belligerent about it.

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Oh, Almost -

You don't need to thank us for listening. I wish I knew of something to say that would help in any way.

As a mother, I understand how you feel. I also understand that your BRAIN TELLS you one thing (your son is ill, but that he is probably taking advantage of you and your good intentions and that it may be wise to let him suffer some consequences and that things are probably going to turn out badly, as you say),

but YOUR HEART is telling you not to give up hope.

I understand this more than you know, AF.

No one can tell you what the future holds for you or your son.

What I want to say to you is that it is obvious that you are a very caring and loving mother who is dealing with a very difficult situation and it seems to me that you are doing the very best you can under the circumstances.

You can only do what you can do, AF. (And by the way, as difficult as it is, it will be best to stay sober while this all gets sorted out.)

A.F. what power do you have to influence the outcome of all of this? I am wondering how the final decision will be made on your son’s destination.

Your son will be responsible for either continuing to smoke the pot and get evicted, or stop smoking it. Even though he is not really in the right mind to make this decision it looks like no one else has the power to stop the behavior.

You believe your husband wants you to return home with him and leave your son behind. Is there a choice to be made there by you? Is there even an option of you staying on with your son, if you choose to do so?

I think you have so many pieces of a problem that you are trying to resolve right now that you are totally and understandably overwhelmed.

Maybe you need to tackle a little piece at a time and realize that you have already done so very much to help your son and focus on how much more you can realistically do to help him and then try your best to do that and then try to relax about the parts you are powerless over.

Does this make sense?

XOXO
Star