Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Snow, ice & rain later over my portion of the nest - not nice out at all.
I will busy myself with indoor projects & definitely schedule in a granny nap :H

Wishing everyone a great AF Monday!
Lav

[Tess-2]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning Fellow Fledglings and All Nest Dwellers, :butterfly:

I received a new book in the mail yesterday: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain. "New Book Day" is better than Christmas! I haven't had a chance to start reading it yet, but I did take a peek at the first page. The author starts with this:

A species in which everyone was General Patton would not succeed, any more than would a race in which everyone was Vincent van Gogh. I prefer to think that the planet needs athletes, philosophers, sex symbols, painters, scientists; it needs the warmhearted, the hardhearted, the coldhearted, and the weakhearted. It needs those who can devote their lives to studying how many droplets of water are secreted by the salivary glands of dogs under which circumstances, and it needs those who can capture the passing impression of cherry blossoms in a fourteen-syllable poem or devote twenty-five pages to the dissection of a small boy's feelings as he lies in bed in the dark waiting for his mother to kiss him goodnight.... Indeed the presence of outstanding strengths presupposes that energy needed in other areas has been channeled away from them. -- Allen Shawn

Well, it's into the shower for me: tough exam today in International Business. I'm really looking forward to graduating in June! :coolbubble:

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

good morning! I like your outlook on the beginning of the week Hippy...:-)

Lav, that weather is the same here. Freezing rain this AM, and up close to 60 this week....With the snow on the ground, we will have a big mess.

My thought(s) for the day...I realized this weekend, that it's been a really long time since I felt kind of "all consumed" by sad thoughts....even through the loss of my mother last year, I wasn't "consumed"by it - like I used to be when drinking. I would so often think about the depressing inevitability of death ( I think because of what I was doing to myself)...and then I'd feel even worse because I was wasting living days thinking about it! I thought I was escaping all of the bad thoughts by drinking - and would then feel worse for wasting even more days and once-in-a-lifetime experiences....drinking. I could not begin to see - until I had some significant time AF, that the alcohol was the cause of all my negativity....it would never be the answer. Looking back now on the AF time, I don't have to "try" to not go down that road of bad thoughts anymore...I just don't even feel that way. Yeah, I still have bad days or moments....I'm in a bit of a funk lately - but it's not consuming me. I can see that the weather has really sucked lately...and I have a tough "anniversary" coming up....so I don't question the "funk" - and I am able to not dwell on it either. My thoughts don't spiral to "Oh my GOD - I am wasting my LIFE...I will totally deserve it when I get that horrible diagnosis and die an early death..." which they often used to.

The difference is like night vs day....full color vs. black and white....

so if you're in the depths of it - please know that things CAN Be different. Your life can be positive again, and the most major thing that you can do is get away from the alcohol for awhile....give yourself a chance to see what you are like without it. I never dreamed that it alone had such an impact on my thoughts and feelings....even when I wasn't actively drinking...even when it was in my system still had a strong hold on my life - my plans - everything I did it was bringing me down.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Mick,
For such an old Timer,
Your a really good rhymer!!!
I LOVED your poem....see, RC inspires us ALL to be better posters!!! Like Tess' post says, thank goodness there are different people in the world for all of our different needs!

Lola....I second what you say 100%. What a great and thought-provoking post!!

During that year I was trying to moderate, I'd tell myself that I had done MORE AF days than the ones where I drank...I call this the ALKIE'S Loop Hole. While it's true, and it sounds good, as long as AL is in your system it is controlling your thoughts and actions. It takes a solid stretch of consecutive AF time to get that feeling of peace and hope Lola is describing. Getting out from under that grip is a relief like no other! Getting out from the TOTAL DISPAIR is worth the price of admission! You can't see it until you are thru it.

I've told the story many times that I had 12 AF days three times...and twice I blew it. Do you also remember my telling you that Day 13 is a pivotal day? You see the 2 times I blew it, I quit right before the miracle happened. I was right at the brink of seeing things differently but I listened to the wrong Voices. I was right AT the miracle and missed it. I hope that you will carry on another day AF....I've never regretted a single day I spent sober. Instead of giving in to the Child having a Tantrum (Kuya) THIS time, don't...and see what happens.
Happy Monday everyone! Keep rhyming!!! Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

SweetPea!!! On behalf of the entire Newbie's Nest, I hope you will accept this Major Award!!! Here is YOUR HAT!! :day5: I know this is big doings!!! And I am 2 days late in bestowing it I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are for you!! Would you have a few words to share about your journey? What has helped you, etc? Well done, SP!! You are on your way!!!! Byrdie

[Hippyman]

Newbies Nest

I know that my girls have their minds set
I know that their eyes say
YOU OWE US A DEBT...
I look out the window and
I know it is wet
And the sun is not sunny.
But we can have
Lots of good fun
that is funny and it won't cost much money.
We'll turn on the treadmill and pretend that we're out
....Oh NO shout the girls. Your turn FIRST ...no doubt!

How's that for a rhyme Brydie?

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

I tell you, Hippy, this nest is FULL OF IT!!! Talent, that is!!!! :H:H:H
Thank you for the laugh!!! B!!!

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

Alright...'HELP'. Do we call this coming out of the closet?

WOW Lola, your timing couldn't have been better. Between FA, Byrdie and You, my lying brain has been called out. What you just posted is the same message someone gave me privately yesterday that shook me awake a bit to what I wasn't seeing lately in all my sadness and messed up life. That and Byrdie being so wise as to ask where I was in my journey as she has a radar for such moodiness. Boy that fog sure has had some light trying to shine through with the three of you. I'll share what I rattled back in an email to FA's message to me last night. This is not easy for me to share publicly as perceived weakness is something we try to hide from others and often from ourselves. Our self esteem can be so fragile to let others know that we are feeling lonely or empty. I am now questioning how much of that is due to not having true longer term sobriety in tact. How can I know when I have still submitted to it in these darkest times? Consuming...oh yes, Lola.

Response to FA's similar message in my email.

"The idea of the alcohol only being a depressant while intoxicated and hungover is what I have believed and don't think I have fully grasped yet until I read how wrong that is. The fog lifting after six months for you...I have not achieved yet. I thought after my first quit I had broken all its power of mental confusion. It's hard to find an incentive to stay quit when your outside motivation factors aren't present. Someone truly loving me is a strong motivation which is completely absent in my life and obviously loving myself, too. The depression itself keeps you wanting to drink or making excuses to drink like a vicious circle. That dark cloud or fog that clings and makes you feel hopeless. I didn't realize until now that was still a factor in my blue mood. I have made markers in my AF time, but in all these problems I'm facing, you know I have chosen to go out and drink with the girls on Thursdays and I've had some other times of indulgence to cope with my mess so I don't feel so alone in all this. I went through some rough times in my first real quit back in August, but I felt a strong incentive to get through it. I guess I was thinking that a once a week binge out with the girls or some occasional drinking wouldn't cause me depression or mental confusion. Reading this and feeling this moodiness and depression I realize my thinking may be very distorted like a chicken and egg scenario even from the limited use as I'm still new to working sobriety. I had discounted that at this point. I guess I convinced myself in believing that I had control of this and it wasn't going to be a real problem to moderate once a week or a small amount. Slay is suppose to be so strong on the MWO board. It's so hard for me to even admit this now, but your message along with Byrdie's question to me really reached inside my hiding place where the lies rule. Maybe I'm afraid to give it up permanently because of my emptiness. How will I cope with that? Wow! I thought I had crossed this bridge already. Ha, maybe not. Admitting weakness is so hard. I'm learning and I'm trying as I know I can't get better without humbling myself to it. Wow again. We are so good at hiding the truth from ourselves. How clever our own minds can be. The power of addiction is truly brutal. Maybe knowing that it takes that long to really get better will set in and I will put it away for good. How hard it is to admit that weakness!

I may be rattling, but I think my lying brain just got called out on something. I tend to still forget the things I've learned in that fog."

GULP,

Slay once again humbling herself. How many times before I conquer the fear of permanent sobriety? Hangs head in shame, but knows she must reach out to those who are stronger and wiser.

[Slaythefear]

Newbies Nest

Thank you, Tess. We tend to recognize our own traits in others. I started dealing with those other issues as I went AF, but some of it has been overwhelming for me and has caused me to reach back for AL in moderation, but I'm now seeing that doing that may be causing me a lot of extra depression/sadness/and pain. Sometimes people will say something to you that hits you like a ton a bricks and you can know longer lie to yourself.

You have a good core, Tess. Growing up as Type A personalities, we tend to be very harsh on ourselves. Showing weakness and letting go of perfection illusions are tough nuts to crack. We live in a judgmental world and many of us weren't taught to love and take care of ourselves first.

I've been cleansing a bit with someone from here who reached out to me.

:l:h

Love,

Slay

[odat1234]

Newbies Nest

Hello again all, im checkin in, good to see everyone! My al thoughts are about a 2 today, very in the back ground and quite as a church mouse! Im happy about that! Ill check back later

[Hippyman]

Newbies Nest

:goodjob: You are doing GREAT!

odat1234;1452196 wrote: Hello again all, im checkin in, good to see everyone! My al thoughts are about a 2 today, very in the back ground and quite as a church mouse! Im happy about that! Ill check back later

[Mick]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie,Byrdie,it doesnt get worse,
When all your writings turn to verse,
Your words, your speech,they all seem finer,
But pray tell me this...whos an old timer??????

:H:H:H:H

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Hi guys :l

I was typing a great message this morning (in response to Lolab's post) about how much less depressed I am after kicking my beast to the curb, when I was RUDELY interrupted by a message that I had not paid my gasoline credit card bill for last month (oops!!! and ouch!!!) Okay, so got that straightened out and now I can get back to saying stuff like....

"Gee, that was an honest mistake. I had several other things going on last week and simply forgot to send that payment in!"

Whereas if I had been drinking, I would have been saying things to myself like-

"You stupid, low-down, drunk!!! -look at how you always screw up. If you hadn't been drunk, you would have paid that bill. Now, because of your stupidity, you owe a late fee and interest on top of the bill"...blah, blah, blah :upset:

That is one case in point showing the difference in my attitude about myself these days, compared to my old self. I think I'll stick with this attitude- the other was no good for me. And I owe it all to giving up the drink

Hey Slay- I just read your post and I think you are a super strong person for posting that! You have been a source of strength and support for many people since you joined this site. You know, there is a saying (biblical) "In my weakness, I am strong" and that is what you are showing here. It takes a very strong person to admit weakness and an even stronger one to do something about it. We love you, Slay :l Keep up the good work!

Sweet Pea :jumpwow: Congratulations on your 30+ days of freedom from AL! We are so proud of you!!! It just gets better from here on out.

Kuya- thanks for interpreting that smidgen of my dream. Yes, I see, now. Byrdie (my housekeeper) actually was cleaning in places I never cleaned before- actually, she was dusting my sofa (haha) and I was REALLY pleased with the job she was doing. Fits your interpretation perfectly. One day, when we both have plenty of time, I?ll tell you THE REST of the story (LOL)
Have a great day, everyone!

[RunningCourage]

Newbies Nest

Day 30 we missed for Sweetpea
"Oh gosh!" we cry "How could we?"
She's young and courageous
And a wee bit outrageous
Here's to Day 60 soon to be!

[sweetpea29]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1452165 wrote: SweetPea!!! On behalf of the entire Newbie's Nest, I hope you will accept this Major Award!!! Here is YOUR HAT!! :day5: I know this is big doings!!! And I am 2 days late in bestowing it I hope you are as proud of yourself as we are for you!! Would you have a few words to share about your journey? What has helped you, etc? Well done, SP!! You are on your way!!!! Byrdie

Thankyou so much Byrdie

Just came back from a lovely afternoon with my friend to find i got a hat!

Im not too good with expressing my thoughts, feelings etc.. But will try.

My journey to quit began many yrs ago. I was very aware from my early-mid twenties that my drinking habits were not 'normal'. I tried to quit many times, having seen first hand the negative impact alco abuse had on family, colleagues and patients and also feeling what it was doing to me, outside and inside; namely killing me in every sense.

Despite this awareness and knowledge, i continued 'killing' myself, with negative voices telling me what the feck does it matter whether you live or die. Many times i did wish that i would die just to escape the torture.
Somehow a voice came from within telling me i was worth more, to stop wasting my life, to 'catch a grip'

Im nowhere near outta the woods, far from it tbh. I still crawling, slowly learning to take those first tentative baby steps.

Without a doubt what makes this quit different from others is MWO and more importantly the people who make it. Those folk who have been here yrs and not so long offering support and guidance and demonstrating that life can be lived without booze. Ye offer inspiration and motivation.
What ye all do here is priceless.

I spend hours going through old posts, the tool box and more recently the blinkin word game!! Ive spent more time in front of this laptop this past month than in all of last year! Addictive personality methinks!
I dont always feel like posting but force myself to as i have to be accountable somewhere. No-one in my real life bar my brother and his gf know of this quit. I didnt want to announce it like in the past only to end-up drinking again:upset:

What i have learned so far is to put my being AF above everything else, to be selfish in a sense. Something which ive never been. I am slowly learning not to be so hard on myself. Yes i could eat better and exercise more, go for a promotion, learn a new skill... that will come in time. I find myself very lethargic this past few weeks, im learning not to beat myself up for taking things easier. Im learning that life doesnt have to lived at 100mph. Im learning to appreciate me, warts and all (thanks Kuya).

Im terrified of going back, cause if i were to drink again i dont think i could stop again.

Even tho i wake each morning still feeling tired i am grateful that i didnt drink the night before. Im grateful that i still have a chance to live and create a new and better life

Words cant convey how grateful i am to the people here:h