Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Abstinence vs moderation

Byrdlady;1458572 wrote: But Byrdie, didn't you come here to have the choice? Wouldn't you have left if you'd been bombarded with just ABS thinking? I don't think so, because as I mentioned, Jan 19, 2011 was the worst day of my life...I was trying to find a way out and was ready to quit. The hope and lure (carrot) of moderation was JUST what an ALK (hungry rabbit) like me wants to hear!! The promise of successful moderation are the ultimate words for an ALK to hear, above ALL else!! ABOVE ALL ELSE. And that's what I heard. That's what I wanted to hear....to the exclusion of all the warnings. Byrdie

Hi, Byrd

You wrote the above on the long term maintenance thread but I think it is really important for us in the nest to think about this. I read much of that thread the other night when I was struggling with my perceived deprivation and and thinking that since my almost 2 wk AF hadn't been all that hard... maybe... but NO NO NO! I have done that experiment too many times and failed. I need to have abstinence as my only outcome.

Clearly, others can moderate as evidenced by the moderation boards on MWO. I'm sure there are people on those boards as warm and caring as those of you I've met here and in several other threads. However, given how influenced I am by the posts I read, I will not even let myself read the moderation threads. I know I will want to believe that what works for them would work for me. And I know without a doubt that I will fail.

I also know there are people in the nest who are moderators or plan to moderate and I'm not criticizing (and I'm working not to be jealous). I just think this is something for us newbies to think about carefully and perhaps put some filters on what we read, depending on our ultimate goal.

Thank you again for your posts that are helping me find my way.

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

Tess-2;1458391 wrote: Wow K9 - That was some movie!! I could feel the pilot's slavery to alcohol.

My hubby didn't understand why the guy couldn't just quit.

A person has to have walked in those miserable alcoholic shoes to be able to understand the hell of alcoholism.

The movie reminded me of so many things about alcoholism: mostly the lies. The Lies...

It feels wonderful to live in honesty. And freedom. ~

I checked it out too. That hotel room scene is what got me. Been there staring at the temptation and then that off camera grab of the bottle sent a chill up mine spine. Great flick, K9. Thanks again for the recommendation.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

MS, the thing I like most about Europe is the ability to jump on a train & go anywhere!
I've been to Europe several times, once took an overnight train from Paris & woke up the next morning in Nice on the French Riviera
My SIL is Dutch & goes home frequently to see family. I went with her a few years ago & was shocked to see all the signs in English with Dutch subtitles underneath at the airport in Amsterdam :H I had no language problems there whatsover. Take advantage of your location.....go out & explore! I'm jealous now :H

Congrats NoSugar & Slay - you are both coming along nicely!

Hippy, when you are finished washing your doggies.....
you can tackle my 100 lb. piggy Swissy! Talk about a bribe job!!!

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

kuya;1458329 wrote: Hi Fin and welcome back.......cool boat indeed. Have you an idea what makes you slip? It might be worth giving the circumstances a thought in these early days.

Keep trucking

Hi Kuya, good question. I've always been a social drinker and sort of thrive on being a fun person to have at the party. So, it's a massive shift in the way I am in the world when thrust into social circumstances. Performing live music as I do is also a massive trigger. The gregarious persona vs. the more centered and sober persona. I'm not special. My triggers are so typical it's boring.

Last time around I did manage to perform sober and actually had a great time, but I wouldn't say I was comfortable. Regardless, that didn't crack me. The last two caves happened in the company of old friends who I have a long history of boozing among. The last time I caved we were camping and there's a massively strong association there. I feel so out of place off AL when I'm usually in the center of the mayhem -- nothing obnoxious, just silly banter and stories around the fire. That said, on that last cave I went down hard. You know that instance where you realize how tweaked you are?

Good lord. I was so tanked I could hardly see straight. One fireman buddy who is sensitive to my challenge said I passed out and didn't move for four straight hours. I was glad he was by my side. That's frickin' scary and embarrassing. It's too much. I use to drink a few beers and call it good, but now I can't seem to get enough. WTF?!

So, long answer to your question is I have to really keep my distance from these people for as long as it takes me to have enough will and resolve NOT to cave. I have to also realize that it's okay not to be known as a good party pal. It's actually desirable as there are so many other things I can do socially during the day that don't currently include AL - like mtn bike rides, hikes, fishing and playing music casually vs. on stage. It's going to be a battle, but having awakened so refreshed this AM, there's good motivation for doing this work.

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Fin;1458605 wrote: I checked it out too. That hotel room scene is what got me. Been there staring at the temptation and then that off camera grab of the bottle sent a chill up mine spine. Great flick, K9. Thanks again for the recommendation.

Same here Fin....I thought he had it licked...then wham! I could literally feel his inner battle, I wanted to cry over his agony. I got the same chill when the hand grabbed the bottle and I thought "Oh shit...."

Hippy...good job on getting the girls bathed. HOW in the world do dogs know when the bath is for them?? Mine does the same thing! I don't even try with the demon chihuahua...she goes to the groomers so THEY can deal with her....LOL. We need some rain, so maybe I will wash my car too.

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

K9Lover;1458613 wrote: Same here Fin....I thought he had it licked...then wham! I could literally feel his inner battle, I wanted to cry over his agony. I got the same chill when the hand grabbed the bottle and I thought "Oh shit...."

Yep, and that was hours after he tried to keep his mind off it by staying busy in that hotel room. That instance of compulsion was frightfully familiar. Also, I love John Goodman's character...he was hilarious.

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

Hi everyone. I'm leaving work now to execute my evening "plan". I can't say thank you enough to everyone for the suggestion of structure. So, after I shut down my computer I will:

>Drive down the gym and get in a good workout.
>Pick up my dog from "daycare" on the way home (my husband's mother LOL)
>Build a fire in the firplace.
>Make a huge healthy tasty salad.
>Make a healthy sparkling water/cucumber/lemon drink.

And... I am going to rent the movie you guys have been talking about... "Flight". Luckily I have my internet in Germany tricked to thinking I'm in the USA so I can still use my USA Itunes account without any blocks. After all of the comments on the power of this movie, I'm sure I will be able to relate as well. Good night all!

[mimi911]

Newbies Nest

the good news is this thread moves so fast that when you need feedback, advice or just a friend you get it almost immediately.

the bad new is this thread moves so fast that i spent the last half hour looking for my last post so I could read from there and now don't have time to read.

I woke up feeling so guilty this morning. I had a dream I slept with someone else. So I woke up feeling like I had an affair and that I got drunk last night.

I can assure you neither of these things happened.

My husband is still here and is talking to me again. He can't trust me. I know this because I can't trust myself. I have decided to be extremely transparent. I want him to know that when I go into the other room I am not sneaking alcohol. I want him to see that I am not drinking.

I am going to yoga this morning and hope that it takes this dark feeling away and clears my head.

This will be my 4th day AF.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Gosh, Mimi...I could have written that post. My hubs dad completely given up on me...(and so had I).. when I went into the bathroom to take my evening bath, I'd leave the door partially open so he could see/hear what I was doing. I do it even now...last night I almost closed it completely and thought...ah, why? If it is something that makes him feel better why not. My closet is just off the bathroom and that's where I hid my stash. Well, one of them. So I had to become transparent for a while, too. You will earn his trust back if you stay sober. (at least I did). They can tell a difference, too. It is more noticable than we ever thought.

Fin...YOU are down there! That person you think AL brings out??? He's there! It takes a while to peel back the onion, but that personable party guy is living and breathing! I will assure you of that...I'd have never believed it myself, but it's true!! There are many layers of crap to work thru to get him out tho....and you are heading in the right direction!!

Hang tough, all!! Byrdie

[Tess-2]

Newbies Nest

Quote:
Originally Posted by K9Lover
Same here Fin....I thought he had it licked...then wham! I could literally feel his inner battle, I wanted to cry over his agony. I got the same chill when the hand grabbed the bottle and I thought "Oh shit...."
Yep, and that was hours after he tried to keep his mind off it by staying busy in that hotel room. That instance of compulsion was frightfully familiar. Also, I love John Goodman's character...he was hilarious.

K9 and Fin - I can see vividly the pilot grabbing that bottle. I did cry. I, too, loved John Goodman's character: he did an amazing and accurate job. Well, honest-to-God, not that I've lived in the world of cocaine. I've only lived in my master bedroom closet.

So, for me, day two with my new-found counselor. I explained that I was not the beloved, happy, life-of-the-party person -- though I admired those people from afar. I was very pretty and very sweet and kind of intelligent (which is not a bad cocktail), but I was excessively worried with right-and-wrong. Right and Wrong. So... I'm embarrassed to report that all I was able to accomplish during my 45-minute-session was to cry. I don't cry with others. I cry in my closet. But today I shared my tears.

I also (once nose was wiped with tissue) inquired about degrees of alcoholism. I mean, I wonder if some people find it easier to "get sober" than others. Some say, "Hell, it's a choice!! Get with the program." And they are correct. But, hmm..., I have with sat with more-than-a-few people dying of cancer who tried to "get with the program" and then "lost the battle" and felt guilty. Maybe it's not all so simple...

My husband is a Marine. He speaks (occasionally) of Drill Instructors. So... I wonder: can someone just scare the shit out of us and create an environment where we "get sober"?

I am happy and delighted and blessed to have been sober since I found this website. But... I can't help but wonder if there are different "stages" of alcoholism; just as there are different stages of cancer, which require different approaches to healing.

Yes, we ultimately have only one choice in the face of alcohol: NO.

But I want to love and respect people in their various stages of recovery. :hug:

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Almost noontime for me fellow nesters and this is the first minute I have had to check in!

Just glanced through posts and want to welcome Irish :welcome: We are so glad you found us and hope to get to know you better. Sticking close to the nest is an excellent way to beat the nasty AL addiction.

Ms Tess- I can't believe you were messaging me last night. You must be some sort of an angel. :wings: I was having one heck of a struggle yesterday evening- couldn't even post about it. I am sure your (long distance) vibes helped me beat that beast off! Thank you :l

New Day- 10 days of SAILING- sounds like paradise. That would be a dream come true for me! You are sounding great!

K9- I need to watch that movie you've got everyone watching- sounds really good- thanks!

Jimmy- you sound great too! I was going to mention Kuya's "embalming fluid" remedy, but I see she already did. That's a great one. I use it too!

Mein- wow- girl- have you changed YOUR DAY around- great job! Enjoy the rest of it!

Welcome, Peace!

Mimi- great job on 4 days now- you are sounding so much better.

Hello to Slay, Jennie, Fin, Lav, Kuya, No Sugar, Lola, my Byrdie :l and anyone else I accidentally missed.

Back to the salt mines! I am so stressed I am actually having chest pains :upset: Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!

Carry on :h

[Tess-2]

Newbies Nest

Starfish1;1458627 wrote:

...Back to the salt mines! I am so stressed I am actually having chest pains :upset: Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers!...

Carry on :h

Star - I do not know your situation or anything about your job in the "salt mines" -- but I do know this: heart disease is very real and very deadly. I am a young "heart disease" patient, and I nearly died. My illness was brought on by a hypertensive crisis, which was brought on by obesity, which was brought on by alcoholism, which was brought on by a "broken heart" in the first place. You see the circle.

I'm not going to pretend to have answers for you. But, my dear Nest friend, listen to your amazing and fascinating body. Your heart is talking to you. The pain is a message. A very succinct message: "Take care of me or I will continue to agonize and fail." Yup, that's the message.

You are a sweet gem, Star. Very sweet. Treat yourself with the same care and kindness that you extend to others. I want my Nest-mate by my side, always. :chick:

[Hippyman]

Newbies Nest

K9Lover;1458613 wrote: Same here Fin....I thought he had it licked...then wham! I could literally feel his inner battle, I wanted to cry over his agony. I got the same chill when the hand grabbed the bottle and I thought "Oh shit...."

Hippy...good job on getting the girls bathed. HOW in the world do dogs know when the bath is for them?? Mine does the same thing! I don't even try with the demon chihuahua...she goes to the groomers so THEY can deal with her....LOL. We need some rain, so maybe I will wash my car too.

Well...that was fun! :H They are all FLUFF...ERD and PUFF....ERED. Now off for our romp at the dog park. Winkie I swear they can read my mind!!!

[Persephone1]

Newbies Nest

...Hi gang, just a quick thought to share before running out again....

Glossed over the thread and noticed that there are a handful of people who have watched or planning to watch Flight. It occurred to me all the sudden how nice it is to 'have a plan for the night' and actually carry it out to completion! It's the simple things that make you happy.

[Overit44]

Newbies Nest

Mimi-I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND THE HUBS! What a relief! We've had those dreams before with the same guilty feelings. I still have dreams that I'm smoking. Then I have to try and remember if it really happened. What a relief when I realize it was just a dream. that guilt can be overwhelming.

I'm noticing that maybe you guys are talking about that movie? I don't want to know ahead of time so I'm not reading the posts.

Everyone, have a great AF day! I'm going to.