Newbies Nest

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

Have to come clean. I chose to drink again last night. So ashamed of myself. I'm taking anti-depressant meds, I see a few doctors, I have a therapist... even my German teacher is a therapist so I have two people to talk to. But I still choose AL to medicate. What is wrong with this picture? Especially when this is what a person should NOT do when dealing with depression (or ever). Sorry for the pity party venting. I'm just frustrated with myself and hating myself today. No excuses other than just being weak. Feeling lonely and sad but grateful that I have you all here.

[Snapdragon]

Newbies Nest

Mein Sonnenschein;1497294 wrote: Have to come clean. I chose to drink again last night. So ashamed of myself. I'm taking anti-depressant meds, I see a few doctors, I have a therapist... even my German teacher is a therapist so I have two people to talk to. But I still choose AL to medicate. What is wrong with this picture? Especially when this is what a person should NOT do when dealing with depression (or ever). Sorry for the pity party venting. I'm just frustrated with myself and hating myself today. No excuses other than just being weak. Feeling lonely and sad but grateful that I have you all here.

Hi Mein - when I have 'slipped' in the past, it is so easy to let yourself continue slipping - but remember you are on a downward slope and the further down you go the harder it will be to haul yourself back up. Did you ever read Alan Carr Easy Way to Stop Drinking? He describes a 'venus flytrap' type plant with the nectar right at the bottom. The fly gets a little more of a taste the deeper he ventures into the plant until he is completely trapped and dies. He parallels this with the alcohol trap.

From my own experience, you need to get ready and prepare yourself if you truly want to try and succeed with an AF life again. Brush yourself off, polish up your positive thinking and make that commitment again. You can do it (you did so well before) - it's a learning curve - you learned from your last slip (and I hate to say it, but I learned from your slip too - as I'm sure others here have). Come on girl - cheer up and jump back onto the wagon with us - we have a long ride ahead!! :l

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

Snapdragon;1497309 wrote: Hi Mein - when I have 'slipped' in the past, it is so easy to let yourself continue slipping - but remember you are on a downward slope and the further down you go the harder it will be to haul yourself back up. Did you ever read Alan Carr Easy Way to Stop Drinking? He describes a 'venus flytrap' type plant with the nectar right at the bottom. The fly gets a little more of a taste the deeper he ventures into the plant until he is completely trapped and dies. He parallels this with the alcohol trap.

From my own experience, you need to get ready and prepare yourself if you truly want to try and succeed with an AF life again. Brush yourself off, polish up your positive thinking and make that commitment again. You can do it (you did so well before) - it's a learning curve - you learned from your last slip (and I hate to say it, but I learned from your slip too - as I'm sure others here have). Come on girl - cheer up and jump back onto the wagon with us - we have a long ride ahead!! :l

Thank you Snapdragon. I'm sticking close to the Nest today. I had such a great attitude a few months ago. Not sure why I'm not stuck in this cycle of self loathing.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I actually downloaded that book to my iPad in January and forgot that I had it! I will start reading this on Sunday (long flight from Germany to the USA). Next week I have big things going on at work so I need to stay focused and sober. Thank you all for listening to me ramble on today.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nesters! It is a great day to be alive!

Mein. Remember the story of A Christmas Carol? Where Scrooge gets to see the past, present and future? I wish I could take you on the journey I had. I thought the day I got here was the worst day of my life, but alas, I had further to go. The year that followed nearly cost me everything I've worked 24+ years to earn. I lurked for a very long time before I ever posted. When I sat down here and googled 'problem drinking' I knew the time had come for me to end this awful nightmare. This place was a godsend. I had decided to throw everything I had into quitting....until I found the mods boards. There was something about trying to control this that I just KNEW I could do. I have faced adversity before, I could do it again. Besides....how could I possibly go the rest of my life without AL? Inconceivable!!! I tried MY BEST to moderate and found that the more I tried to control IT, the more IT was controlling me. When I finally allowed myself to drink, I drank out of panic, like someone clinging to a life preserver....certainly not someone who was just out enjoying a glass occasionally. I drank it without even tasting it. I drank it because I was addicted to AL. We all may take many paths to the same destination, but the journey ends in the same place. The only way to cure ourselves of this addiction is to cut off its food supply. This is a hard concept to grasp for an AL addict, but once you embrace it, and set your mind that this really is a life or death decision, your path will get easier. Instead of fighting it, understand it....in this case, knowledge is indeed power! I would say that by this point in your life you are a bit of an expert about what works and what doesn't...yes? It is a matter of setting a course and NOT veering off of it no matter what and no matter who. You CAN do this. You just have to learn that you don't HAVE to give in to a crave. Get to know your crave. (it's the knowledge is power thing). It will tell you 'just tonight, then we'll get back onboard tomorrow'. 'who cares about the nest, those people don't know me, and what do THEY care?' ' Just one won't hurt you, and it will make you feel SOOO much better'. Now this morning when you see this, you'll say...I KNOW! But why do I cave? It boils down to positive reinforcement! When the going gets tough and these voices appear and you give in, THEY become stronger. They become overwhelming and we feel there is no recourse but to cave in. BUT THERE IS. A craving lasts about 15 minutes. Grab a bag of M&M's or popcorn or whatever you LOVE, and eat it one small piece at a time. Concentrate on the wonderful flavors in your mouth. Feel the salty (or sweet) flavor areas you are experiencing. Be MINDFUL of every sense you are feeling while eating this bag of _____. And before you know it...the craving will have passed. What you've done is powerful. You have told yourself, that you are stronger than a crave. And so it goes. That first overwhelming one is the one you must defeat. You can do this. Set yourself up to succeed. Remove all the AL from your space and surround yourself with things you love. If I can do this, I know you can too. Please get back in the Tool Box and read. When you have the thoughts, PUSH THEM OUT and get online here and read. I'd bet my lunch money that at any given time there's a new post on the boards of someone posting they need a hand and are scared. Reach out to them, and offer them hope...put yourself in the service of others to prevent pity parties. There is ALWAYS someone else worse off than we are. True?

Lav put up with me for a solid year trying and failing, I would have slapped me if I were her. But we all understand! You don't have to fall any more or wake up with the G/S/R Brothers (guilt/shame/remorse). Don't be ME! Repeating the same thing over and over and over! That's why I stay here! The sooner you can pick yourself up and be on your AF way the better! Drinking anything anymore repeats the cycle of misery!! So don't fall for it any more! Dick Head (Addiction Head) is out to get you! Just exercise those NO, HELL NO muscles and you will be richly rewarded!

We believe in you!! Believe in yourself! We'll be right here by your side! XXOO, Byrdie

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie, thank you soooo much for the post and the story. And for putting up with me! I know it the cycle of trying to quit must sound so ridiculous to the outside person but i know you all here understand. And I know what I need to do. I should be motivated enough by wanting to rid myself of depression that I would not drink so I can concentrate on that. Idiot me knows that drinking just makes it worse but I still did it. Anyhoo... Thank you so much for putting up with me.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Mein...I WAS you...and I AM you! No thanks needed, I totally understand, this is a BIT@#!

Like Star's byline reads...I'm one drink away from Day 1 (or something like that). Hugs....B

[Oneredshoe]

Newbies Nest

kuya;1497128 wrote: Feel the force Oney, feel the force.......

Oh my gosh Kuya you crack me up :H

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Mein Sonnenschein;1497294 wrote: Have to come clean. I chose to drink again last night. .

Dear MS,

You might not feel it right now but you have made progress ! -- you're taking responsibility and not looking at this as something that happened to you. Once we acknowledge that this is in our control, we can do what it takes to get the outcome we want.

Perhaps you are not quite to the point of deciding that you truly want to live the rest of your life without alcohol as a part of it. That is a hard place for an addict to get to! It sure was for me -- how to live without it?? Almost unimaginable...

This is where the 'brain change' comes in --- like Kuya said last night, you have to reprogram the computer that is our brain. There are all sorts of ways to do that but the free and relatively easy one you have available here is to read and post on MWO.

Your brain really can be altered by taking those actions. Somewhere this morning I read a post (I'm sorry, I can't remember who wrote it ) about how s/he is having success this time around because of posting more. Maybe you could put yourself out there, MS - start your own thread and commit yourself to posting there everyday and better yet, throughout the day. I, for one, will be eager to check on your progress every day as will all your other friends here. I love reading each day about Free at Last's challenges and success and her victories reinforce my commitment to no longer living an addicted, diminished life.

When you are about to choose to drink, go to that thread and type why you are making that choice. Give us (READ: YOURSELF!) the reasons for doing this. You may just change your mind.

If you want, you could tell us more about yourself and what is bothering you. It seems like someone here has experienced just about everything that could happen to a person -- maybe just the right person would read it and tell you just what you need to hear.

You have made it for 20 days, MS, and when you are ready I know you can do that and more. Please don't waste any more of your precious life.

Love, NS :h

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Just saw the Toolbox - it is the fabulous OneRedShoe that has had great success because of posting more! And her posts helped me enormously. One weekend early in this whole business I was just beside myself with guilt and an inability to forgive myself. The Nest was practically empty but SHE WAS HERE and we posted and talked and joked and for me IT MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

I will always love and appreciate you, ORS! xx NS :h

[Cocoflo]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning All,

Lost Soul & K9, I can relate - the drunken texts, emails, messages, facebook posts, forgotten conversations, stashes of bottles, trying to figure out the night before, ugh!!! Truly by the grace of god I never had a DUI or even worse, hurt anybody.

Jenniech, it is nice to able to pick the kids up after soccer, baseball, not send my husband while I drink and make dinner. Joy in the small things & motivation to continue. Plus I love the back seat convos of 8 & 11 year old boys during carpool home. Hilarious.

Snap, beautiful magnolia. Hoping it warms up soon and ours starts blooming, just small buds right now.

MS - keep going. You can do it.

JJ - what strength you have to face such difficulty & not turn to AL. Good for you!!

Happy, Peaceful Friday!!
cocoflo

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Because I so firmly believe that you need to post to succeed, I tried to think of a specific example and came up with this:

When I was new here I mentioned that although there was red wine in the house, I thought I could handle it now that I was on my way out (right... talk about na?ve).!

Lav, Birdie, and Kuya basically told me to get that sh*t out of the house! Chastened because I considered them (and still do!) to essentially be the voices of god on this matter, I did it. And that stuck with me as a critical part of this.

Shortly after, and way before I had many AF days myself, I read a post by Free that she had come to her hotel room to find a fabulous bottle of red wine. So, I just posted what had been posted to me: Dump it out.

Passing on the advice that had been offered to me was another step on the AF path. It made it real -- I think it changed my brain.

Then, Free took my advice! (I was so shocked! Why would anyone listen to me and especially an intelligent, educated, successful, world-traveling woman like her??).

I was humbled but it was another step, another brain-change, and when she thanked me for helping her -- another!

How could I possibly go backwards now after I had had the audacity to tell someone else what to do?

So, that is my theory on how it works. Please post!!

xx NS :h

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

:yougo::yougo:HAPPY FRIDAY NESTIES!!:yougo::yougo:

Snap - I hear ya on the weight issue...I'd have thought that giving up 14 beers per night would have had me in Victoria Secret Model shape...but alas....here I am 10 weeks into a HEAVY exercise and healthy eating routine and let's just say I'm not "quite" there yet! LOL Ah well....at least my liver isn't gasping for a break!

If my calculations are correct...our beloved G-Ster is at a whopping, amazing 7 days today!!! YAY!! Love you G-Man :h

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

NS - Thank you! In fact, thank you to everyone for the encouragement. You are right. I'm having a hard time with the "Never Ever Again" concept. I honestly did not have a problem with AL until I went through a very tragic death (love of my life). Then I started drinking to cope with the loneliness. That was 11 years ago. I would say that I did not become a "binge" drinker until I moved to Germany. That was 2 and 1/2 years ago. That is a long time to be consuming as much as I have. Sad. I can tell you why I drank last night. I hope this isn't TMI. I really, really missed my love that passed. I was 22 and he was 26. And the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. Every once in a while the sadness creeps in (even so I'm happily married to a wonderful man). How could it not? I'm sure many of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not trying to make an excuse, I'm just really trying to analyze the cause so I can really move on with the AL thing. What I've come up with is that I tried to replace the loneliness 11 years ago with AL. And when I moved to Germany I again tried to replace the loneliness with AL. And even so I'm not a needy person, I still FEAR that lonely feeling. It's take me a while to really admit this but it is what it is. I think that NS is completely right that I need to start an online journal here. I will definitely do that when I return home after next week. Unfortunately my schedule is so packed every day and evening while I'm in Florida, I will not be able to post much. But I will try. Sorry for unloading so much information. Just needed to get it out.

[Pinecone]

Newbies Nest

Hi Mein, I just wanted to send you a little support. Fear of "never again" was such a force holding me back from quitting for years. A while ago, I put one of my favorite quotes about fear in my signature, as a reminder to myself. I just want you to know that at some point, "never again" will be something you say as you experience a feeling of relief. "Never again?!?" becomes "Phew, never again..." Sorry I'm rambling but you get the picture. Nobody is going to give up on you!

Mr. G, very hearty congratulations on your 7 days!

Great to see you today, my friends!

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

MS, that is not too much information at all. It makes me feel like I know you better and why this is such a problem for you. Alcohol has been used to fill the empty places by many if not most of us here. But, it creates even more isolation in the process. What a catch-22!

I'm sorry you had such a devastating loss, and at such a young age! Something like that would have to affect you so much and always be part of who you are.

I hope your business trip goes well. Perhaps you'll have a little time to read, even if no time for posting. You know we'll be here for you when you get back and are ready to start your thread.

All the best, NS :h