Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Dear Little Beagle,

I can't presume to give you advice on what should happen in your marriage but I want you to know that I care and that the person you have shown yourself to be here deserves to be treated with the kindness, love, and respect you've consistently shown to others in your daily posts. I hope that whatever decisions the two of you make, you end up being treated like that by yourself and everyone around you.

:l NS

[little beagle]

Newbies Nest

Thank you. Not afraid to be alone. Afraid someone I love will destroy himself.
Going to bed. I have a really busy day tomorrow. Nite all.

[Alicat]

Newbies Nest

Hey all,about to leave the house to start my new job,feeling nervous Also still feeling pretty nauseaus,only day 2 though so hopefully that eases up soon..
Lavande-thanks for the welcome! And I am not sure what my plan is really yet,have only told one close friend and my boyfriend(over the phone,he's away on business) so far that I want to quit,both seemed pretty supportive.
Have a good day everyone,will let you know how the first day goes this evening!

[broken halo]

Newbies Nest

little beagle;1546652 wrote: Thank you. Not afraid to be alone. Afraid someone I love will destroy himself.
Going to bed. I have a really busy day tomorrow. Nite all.

LB, I hope things work out for you and your husband, you obviously love him very much. :l

A flying visit fellow nesters (pardon the pun!) Just wanted to say I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday. I'm off to work, I'll catch up this evening x

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Hot & humid here once again, awaiting showers. I think I'm ready for some nice Fall weather!

Wishing everyone a great AF Thursday

Lav

[MossRose]

Newbies Nest

Good morning and thanks for the kind words of support. I had a very nice evening with my son and girlfriend yesterday. Hoping there will be many, many more. I looked around the dinner table and got choked up. It was just so...normal! I can't believe how many years I took simple moments in life for granted. (If I even remembered them) Not anymore! Too much lost time to make up for.

LB, I completely understand what you are going through. My stbx-husband and I went through something very similar. I guess you have already figured out that we didn't make it through. In fact, my divorce will be final on Monday., It has been very traumatic. Almost twenty years down the drain. Too much to go into in the nest. But our story's ending doesn't need to be yours. We were just too weak to figure things out in time. Maybe if like you, I had joined MWO earlier, it would have helped. Hard to say as he was also a very heavy drinker and together we were a train wreck. Hope all works out for you. It can, and does, happen. But it takes both people working together. Wishing you the very best. xoxo

[Snapdragon]

Newbies Nest

Morning all - Day 3 for me and feeling great

Lizann - that is just so immensely tragic. My daughter's friend committed suicide when she was just 16 and the thought that such a young and innocent human being could feel that level of despair still hurts to think about now.

Moss Rose - fantastic news about your son. Here's to keeping up building bridges!!

Alicat - Good luck in your new job - hope all goes well.

Little Beagle - that is such a difficult situation and one I can't give advice on really - apart from the fact that me being on the otherside of the fence (ie: me drinking whilst my husband wasnt) it took the threat of losing him - not weak threats, but the day he said to me that he had decided enough was enough and he wanted to put the house on the market and go our separate ways. I know Byrdie has also mentioned that it was her husband deciding that it was finally over and he had enough that made her re-evaluate the situation and decided her marriage was more important than drink.

For the drinker it is too easy to just carry on drinking - as I've found myself recently, the more you drink the more depressed you get and you start to think you don't even care anymore. Maybe if you give your husband an ultimatum - perhaps suggest that either he or you move out for a few weeks to think about what you both want from life. Maybe that would be enough to shock him into making the change? And of course if he does decide to make the change - you have all the tools and support now to help him.

No Sugar - thank you for being there for me and your encouragement - I hope to get back to waffling really soon :H

Lav and Brydie - you both rock - thank you for being the solid foundation of the nest here. I love you both :l

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

I think I forgot to say welcome back Snap!
Glad you have returned to the nest, the best place to be as far as I'm concerned

LB, is there any possibility that your husband is also dealing with chronic depression? I ask because that's the case with my husband. He just became unfit to live with & knew it so he left without warning three years ago. He walked in here June 30 on our 40th wedding anniversary in tears. At this point it's probably smarter for us to live apart. I refuse to fall back down into his pit of depression, it damn near killed me. I want to enjoy life, he never really did. I have pushed him into seeing doctors & even a psychiatrist over the years but he doesn't stick with the plan. You just can't make someone else want to get better. You can show them by example though which is what I have been doing

Hi MossRose, I'm sorry your marriage didn't weather the storm. But how wonderful that you are enjoying quality time with your son! I really love spending time with my adult kids!

[sanchez]

Newbies Nest

Good morning to the nest!

Lizann - such a tragic story and one we hear too often with youngsters. Why they feel this is the only way out is so sad. Sorry for your daughter's loss.

MR - Great to hear your relationship with your son is back on track. You need each other.

Steady - Happy 50th!

LB - Like Snap and Byrdie, my situation is too reversed. My husband gave me the ultimatem to stop or he was done. Like Snap says, maybe that's an option for you.

Alicat - Good luck on your first day on the new job! What a great way to start off your AF life.

Little story about last night. My husband and I plus a friend went out to dinner. This tiny Thai restaurant is one of my favorites and one I frequented often with my husband and with girlfriends on our ladies night out events. As my husband and friend were downing wine and saki, I drank tea and ice water. No temptations, no issues whatsoever as I again was the designated driver which is an honor. A waitress that always waited on us before stopped by our table and in her cute little Thai accent said - "You not drinking tonight?" and I said, "Nope - just tea and water for me." She said - "Oh when you always here before you the one that drink the most!"
I was dumbfounded, embarrassed and mortified.
She walked away from the table and my husband said under his breath - "A little bit of insight for you from a stranger".
WOW - what a way to end an evening. How many others have witnessed my over-drinking that are casual observers and/or strangers. Felt I had to share because it hurt and I cried over it. It is in the past though. NS, you said that to me in a recent post - so I'm reinforcing that phrase. It's in the past....

[MossRose]

Newbies Nest

Lav - Your story could be mine, with the exception that I am the one who left. And I didn't have 40 years invested. Wow - that must have been incredibly painful, even if it turned out to be a good thing.

I was certainly no angel, but my husband just didn't know how to be happy. His depression eventually took over our lives. I tried to help him, but when he hit mid-life, it became even worse. He treated me like dirt during those last years. He was always angry about everything. He didn't know what he wanted. In the end that included me. And like your husband, he is full of regret now. But I know in my heart that I can't go back. Even with the struggles of trying to stay sober, and the bouts of intense loneliness and regret, I still choose my new life. It's up to me now.

[little beagle]

Newbies Nest

Sanchez I love the saying here in mwo look at the past, don't stare. I have so many of those moments.
Thank you for all of the insight. I have much to think on today.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Morning, Nesters!
Today is my 26th wedding anniversary! So what a coincidence the subject of spouses has come up. Snap, you are 100% right about my situation....my hubs had HAD it with my drinking and continuous broken promises (and lies, ugg). Sure he had threatened to leave, but I honestly didn't think he would...he is semi retired and I am the wage earner, after all, plus I knew he really loved me, so I figured he was just blowing smoke. Until the night of Jan 19, 2011, when he packed his clothes and left. He returned the next morning and told me to get a lawyer and be thinking how to divide our assets. He was NOT kidding....I had pushed him to the absolute limits. He told me that he wasn't going to sit by and watch me kill myself with AL...he told me I needed help, but he wasn't willing to be that help anymore, he obviously wasn't doing the job very well. He suggested rehab, and as he left with a bigger pile of clothes, he said, 'it's not my problem anymoe, it's YOURS'. This was a huge wake up call. At the time I thought he was insensitive and inhumane....but he saved my life that day. I had to make a choice (and it was a hard one) between going down with the ship (AL) or being AF with him. That was my Day 1. If he hadn't done that, I'm not sure if I would have changed or not....I needed that slap of reality to wake up and see what addiction was really doing to me. I wasn't going to make that change on my own....I was too comfortable (or so I thought). AL makes us feel like we are safe with it and won't be safe without it. I'm certainly NOT a marriage counselor, but like Dr Phil says, "how is this working out for you?" In my case, not very well. I had to make a change. I've just checked my phone book, there are tons of 800 numbers to discuss this you might call. In making a change, like asking him to move out on a temporary basis, you might just save his life and wake him up out of this stupor. Drastic times call for drastic measures....I'm sure you'd hate to look back and say, if only I'd tried to ________ . Just my 2 cents.....it worked on me.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe day out there!!! At see you at the Nester's Bar after work, save me a spot! XO, Byrdie

[Pinecone]

Newbies Nest

Good morning friends,

LB, I'm sorry about your situation with your husband. You are such a supporter here and I really wish I had some advice for you but I don't. I was the one my wife was waiting for to pull my head out. I was just fortunate enough to hit a low that was low enough for me to take action. Some people don't seem to though.

MR, that is a heartwarming story about your son. Thanks for sharing. AF life is so rich and full.

Sanchez, that's embarrassing but it could have applied to all of us. It's a good reminder though!

Alicat, good luck at work, have fun and have your excuses ready!

BH good to see you!

Have a great AF day!

[MossRose]

Newbies Nest

Happy anniversary, Bydie!! Wishing you many more happy years together. And thanks for weighing in so LB didn't have to wake up to just my gloom and doom. I love a happy ending

[Snapdragon]

Newbies Nest

Happy Anniversary Brydie!! I bet your husband congratulates himself nowadays on being such a lucky man to have such a caring lovely wife!! Have a wonderful day both of you. :l