Newbies Nest

[halo]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1576794 wrote: but I've seen 1000's of people come and go from this site and that's what I have noticed.

Byrdie, what percentage of MWO users do you believe come and go, then come back and leave and then come back again (repeat)? I guess that would be a good indication that moderation doesn't work..

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

jenniech;1577048 wrote: i keep screwing up.
byrdlady: I am so sorry that I let you down
You too No Sugar
crap
I am so good at everything I do ..... except this.

Jennie.....You haven't let me down one bit....do you know why? Because I AM you!

Do you know WHY you are good at everything else? It's because you have worked at it and practiced and THAT's why and how you get good at something. Do I wish that I had gotten it right the first time? Sure I do, but that didn't happen....but with practice, I finally DID do it, and you will too. Anything you get good at takes work and this is no exception. I believe in you.....I KNOW you will do it. Much love and admiration, Byrdie

[Myluck]

Newbies Nest

Hi all nesters! I poured all open bottles today from my bar and it feels great to have AF house. Well not quite - I will give my unopened wine from my wine rack to my friend tomorrow. I am feeling great
AF since 10/20/2013

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

Jenni
You let no one down but maybe yourself (?) It is for yourself that you want to get sober. I understand the guilt you feel to come back and post that you drank, but the bottom line is we are here for each other. The beast doesn't care about you and only wants to be fed its booze. My suggestion is to keep close by here, maybe AA so that you have friendship committed to not drinking. Maybe you already do these things??
Best to you
Sam

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Halo, gosh what a great question! We have about 3000 visitors each and every day to the site, some join, some don't. Wow....let me think about this. These are rough guesses, Lav and K9 and NS, feel free to dispute. Of the people that come into the nest and get it right the first time, I'd say they are in the minority by far...I'd say 3-5% of people would fall into that category. I'd guess that maybe 40% post for a while and then drop to the wayside and we don't hear from them again. The remaining number 55% post and of those, I'd say half drop away but come back...many do this several times, like I did. The number of people on this site who have successfully moderated long term....I mean BY THE BOOK? ZERO. Repeat, ZERO. Sure there are some who have claimed it, but when you follow them, they are not, not by a long shot. This is something that I have actively followed, too, because I tried so hard to make it work. Saying that you have stayed in the guidelines and then adding all the exceptions does not count. "I moderated great all month, except 4 times." "I stayed within my 4 drink limit over the weekend except Friday night". You have to learn how to read 'Moderator-ese'. There at the end my wine glass was like a Viking goblet! It's a battle within ourselves to justify that we are moderating, when we clearly are not.... Remember, even on this site, moderation is advised with those high powered drugs that have LOTS of side effects. If there were a pill that I could take today that would allow me to drink normally, I wouldn't take it.....having a dam drink just isn't that important anymore. I just had enough of being led around life by drinking. You can't moderate addiction. I wish it were different, but alas. My BIGGEST regret is that I didn't get sober sooner. I wasted a LOT of my life. I don't remember half of the events between 2000-2010.....sad. Byrdie

[Pinecone]

Newbies Nest

Hi friends,

Byrdie, truer words were never spoken. I went out of my way to find the highest alcohol beers I could just so I could keep it to two but still get my buzz. I lied to myself and my family everyday and the shame built up inside me. And then on the weekends, I would "reward" myself for having such "good behavior" during the week. That's no way to live.

I think when we realize that we are slowly dying a process starts, like a seed growing up through the dirt. It might be hard at first, but everything that is worth anything in life comes with effort. We can shed our drinking life and become who we were meant to be.

Jenni, thinking of you and sending you some support!

[jenniech]

Newbies Nest

yes, I definitely let myself down.....
oh, I am so tired of it all.....I stopped and have sobered up enough to know what I am doing is SO STUPID. And I am not a stupid person!!
You guys are the best.....
I have had my camomile tea and now ready for bed.....will be full of regret tomorrow...this much I know is true....
It is within my grasp but I just can't seem to reach it....maybe tomorrow...

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Tomorrow, if you are considering drinking, post here first, ok? Tell us why you're making that choice. :h NS

[I'm Strong and in Control]

Newbies Nest

Lavande;1576652 wrote: I'm strong, I kindly suggest that you stop giving AL so much head space. I found it's much safer to dismiss any & all AL thoughts as soon as they entered my head. Closing the door soundly & firmly on AL has kept him out of my life for nearly 5 years now
Lav

Lav - my writing style/sense of humor often comes across as sarcastic, flippant and sometimes just mean. There is no intent of that here. My plan is to someday etire to a lovely, isolated home in the scenic countryside, garden, putter, etc. and be surrounded only by the people I choose to let into my life. Maybe there will be no alcohol and no one will drink. I'd have to drive an hour to get booze.

That isn't now. I walk to work. Every block has at least 2 sidewalk cafes serving alcohol. Luckily, they are closing for the season and will revert back to cozy, inviting bars that I pass daily. I can take a shortcut thru the park,now that the outdoor concert season is over and the wine bars are closed - the kiosks serving wine/beer opened for the autumn festivals and soon-to-open ice skating rinks. We probably stop for a drink at one or two of these places maybe at most, 3-4 times a year. I have good memories and no regrets. There is a dunkin donuts, at least 2 fast food restaurants, coffee/pasty shops, and a Walgreens or CVS selling liquor on every downtown block. I walk a mile to work. I also don't really frequent these, but the temptation is always there to eat things I normally wouldn't and to have a drink.

I have a fantastic, affordable grocery store. It has a wine bar - great wines for $5/glass and they encourage you to drink while you shop. There is a bar/restaurant in my condo building for the residents. They typically stay open until the last person goes home. I've never closed the place, but the owner has walked me home. I haven't been there in about a year and don't plan on going back. Our building hosts regular "meet your neighbors" wine parties.

We have fantastic restaurants. My husband entertains clients occasionally, we are social beings, we like people. Even with reservations, we're asked to sit in the bar until our table is ready. Of course there are cocktails or wine.

I've had an open bottle of my favorite white wine in the refrigerator, an open bottle of my "everyday" red on the counter and quite a backup supply in the cupboard. (I took the really good stuff from the wine club to off-site storage, because I really wanted to try some of the Spanish reds). It would be useless to "throw it all away" because if/when I want it, it is at my fingertips.

Alcohol (and junk food) are constantly in my face and they are going to be on my mind. THIS is the place where I can talk about it - with the people that have the same issues because alcohol is in their face too.

There is a place on this Board for the abstainers - those who know they can never drink again, and don't, and want support in that; there's also a place for the want-to-be abstainers - those who know they have a problem, try to abstain, and fall helplessly off the wagon. There doesn't seem to be a place for people who know they have a problem, abstain and consciously plan "controlled drinking" when they know they might not have the willpower, strength or desire to be AF? What's the difference between someone who fell off the wagon (and is guilty, remorseful and miserable the next day) and someone who planned to go to a wedding, have 2 drinks - and succeeds?

The person that goes out every single weekend and gets plastered and comes back here on Monday mornings in misery may benefit from responsibly planning a night out in advance - so they are safe, with a plan to be in control. They are going to drink anyway, why not be responsible instead of a victim of the urge - until such time when they are able to admit or commit to abstaining with conviction.

Been thinking about this all day obviously. I'm not drinking. I'm not drinking today or tomorrow or the next day. ODAT. I am still thinking about Thanksgiving where I know it is going to be difficult to me and I'm either failing to plan or planning or fail - but I am not going to be miserable the day after. or the week after.

I appreciate you, your strength, you confidence and advice - as well as all the senior members on the board. I look to you all. I learned the first year I came here that this isn't about moderation, but abstinence. Some people take years to close that gap, IF they close it. I'd rather put myself off the wagon temporarily than fall helplessly. Just my thoughts.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

I'mStrong, you may find good company over on the mods boards.
Drinking the way you describe is what we all dream of, yet none of us can achieve. Maybe you'll be the exception. Unfortunately, alcoholism isn't temporary. It can't be turned off and on. Best of luck to you. Byrdie

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1577095 wrote: .
You can't moderate addiction. Byrdie

Gosh Byrdie, that should be a T-Shirt! :thumbs:

Powerful words of wisdom once again !! :l

[Kradle123]

Newbies Nest

...And yes... I lurk here in the Nest...:sofa: I love this place. :h

[I'm Strong and in Control]

Newbies Nest

jenniech;1577048 wrote: crap

Jennich - you come back and that is a battle won! I know how hard it is to do that. We've all been where you are, and some of us will be there again, and again. Thank you for hanging in there. You are worth fighting for! Day 1. ODAT.

[Cat Belle]

Newbies Nest

Okay quick check in then I will go back and read. Thanks to everybody for you support!! And congrats to everybody else racking up days, and really for being here and trying. This is a hard deal...

I think Byrdlady asked if I could share any pointers/tips. It is hard for me to share feelings and right now it is all so fresh.

I can't post anything really long right now because I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with everything being sober entails. It's hard to reconcile my thoughts/feelings without rambling, or to try and put it to paper.

For me, I was just damn sick and tired of myself, the drinking, the anxiety which is 100 times worse when I am drinking. Funny paradox isn't it? We would like to think we drink to relax, but it causes the exact opposite. I am a much happier, RELAXED person NOT DRINKING. I have been sick of myself for a long time, and now that is changing.

I will try to share the journey as I can if it will help. I think long time abstainers can attest to the rapid pace of self discovery that begins to happen. I can SEE the world now. I can SEE the people around me now. I can love now. Believe it or not even loving someone is different sober.

Later

[I'm Strong and in Control]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1577095 wrote: ZERO. Repeat, ZERO.

I have to agree with you here, Byrdlady. I remember arguing with you (the first time I came to this site), that Roberta Jewell wrote the book for Moderators and designed the program that way!!! Then, I started hanging out at the Moderation pages ALOT and could not find anyone that was successfully moderating or moderating long term. Maybe I should set a goal to be AF until I'm 75 and then I can drink all I want. I have that fantasy, too. At least my dentures would get a good soak in alcohol.