Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

There are a lot of control freaks here Iclem. The stress of that, and the need to escape it, could be part of what brought us to this point. You can be in control though; you get to choose not to drink .

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Here it is, Iclem....the stages of grief as it relates to losing AL.

I posted something yesterday on another thread about the person feeling 'flat' around this same time.
If you think about it....we are really in grief over losing such a major relationship in our lives. AL was becoming the #1 relationship we were having....to the exclusion of our spouses, and family and our jobs!! It will not quit until it takes everything...as you know. So divorcing it is tough. The first stage of grief is anger. That's prolly when you came here....feeling like "I've just HAD it!" "I can't live like this" "I'll be damned if I'll be led around by a bottle". This is followed by denial. "maybe I'm not so bad after all!" "There are people on this site far worse than I am and THEY are doing fine". "If I can stop for a few days or even a month, that proves right there I don't have a problem!!" . The next stage of grief is bargaining. "Maybe if I just drink on weekends that will do the trick, that way I can be sober all thru the week for my job and such, and unwind on the weekends!" "I think I've got a handle on this now, I'm more aware of the problem....I WILL MODERATE." " If I just limit myself to a couple drinks at a time, and not every night, it'll be a win-win!" This stage is followed by Depression. This usually hits right around where you are now...30-45 days. it's a period of "now what?" Is this all there is? I've proven I can do this, now what is the point? The euphoria of being amazed THAT we can do it is now replaced with a 'so what' attitude. We don't know what to do with ourselves. This is where an awful lot of growth happens. I think our emotional selves catches up to our chronological selves. When we start abusing AL I think our emotional growth stops. We learn a new set of coping skills (escape from our problems instead of facing them). Depression takes some time to get thru, but once you are on the other side, it's like stepping out of a world of black and white into a world of COLOR!! The final stage of grief is ACCEPTANCE. While it sounds like you are throwing in the towel, this is actually the very best place to be. The voices in your head accept that you can't drink like a normal person ever again. That ship has sailed. Once you cross that line into addiction there is no rewiring that. NoSugar explained it's like riding a bike...your mind will take you exactly back to that bad place and worse. Once you accept that you are an ALK, and you take responsibility for it, the space in your head will be a much simpler and more peaceful place to live. Take the CHOICE of drinking off the table for good, and you will find peace. There is no going back for us. I've been on this site now for almost 4 years, I have NEVER SEEN A CASE WHERE IT WORKED! Never! And I've looked! I want it to work!! But here's the good news! Once you get some good distance between you and AL (and 40 days is great, but it takes months, really) you will see that you don't need AL at all, and you'll wonder why you were so obsessed with it at all. You will not having that longing to go back. I sure don't. This takes time. So please give Time, time. Please try to get it out of your head that you will be able to go back. This is the hardest thing to give up (hope is a killer here). In your drinking career, have you EVER been able to control it? Doesn't it always just get worse? This is a progressive disease...and one drink keeps it going.
I didn't listen to anyone about this, and it wasn't until my husband of nearly 25 years packed his clothes and left that night. Don't let it get to that for you!
You know in your heart of hearts what must be done!! Don't go backwards, only forward!!! XXOO, B

[lclem]

Newbies Nest

Thank you Byrdie

The stages make a lot of sense when applied to giving up alcohol. Strangely, I will be married 25 years this year.

Admitting I am an alcoholic is a difficult thing to do. It feels like a scarlet letter. Like it is what will define me. I am probably projecting. I think that is how I always felt about others that admitted they were alcoholics. I am sure I did this because
it was so close to home for me. As if not admitting it made it not true. I think I think of alcoholics as weak, bad, people. In line with criminals, so how could I be one, and if I am one, then what does that mean about me as a person out in the world? I know I am rambling, but the truth of this is helping me see more clearly.

[HumbleRider]

Newbies Nest

Iclem, I know what you mean about admitting you are an alcoholic and that you feel as if it will define you. Here's how I deal with that. I admitted for the umpteenth time I had a drinking problem to myself and my husband. Note, I said 'had.' Like Byrdie said, we don't have that problem anymore because we don't drink. To everyone else, I simply say that I'm not a drinker (anymore), and if pressed, that I don't have a desire or taste for it. I did tell my 93 yr old mom that I was on antibiotics on Thanksgiving, but only because she can't hear a darn thing and I didn't want to get into a screaming match in front of everyone about it. . The point is, I define myself as a strong individual with no desire to consume alcohol. Makes me feel good!

[lclem]

Newbies Nest

thanx for understanding Humble

I think I have made it to the stage of depression many times! I just want to get to acceptance and move on with my life. Interesting about getting to 30-40 days and thinking "now what". I can truly relate to that! I think I end up missing that false sense of excitement alcohol provides. I convince myself that I wasn't soo bad, and I was a lot more fun. I need to remember the shame I feel now for embarrassing my husband and children. I also need to remember the large bruises I have that I have no idea how I got.

For me I would like to speed up the clock. I know it is one day at a time, but I know I can go Af for a week or two No Problem. I've done it a thousand times so to speak. That is when the hard part will begin for me. Can I go a month, a year. I hope so, I have a lot to lose.

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

lclem:

I posted on a different thread that getting myself in this situation made me feel powerless and like an idiot. Some wise people stepped in. LifeChange pointed out that actually we have the power over alcohol as long as we don't drink it. Once we drink it, we have chosen to give the power to AL - not a wise choice for us. When I said I felt like an idiot on a different thread, NoSugar wrote these words that meant a lot to me:

Hey, Pavati.

Once your head is clear enough to be able to look back and see what was going on, it is hard not to feel like an idiot. I was stuck at the place you describe for a good long while and it is easy to go back there if I don't work not to. I try to do that work because there is nothing to be gained from berating myself and making myself feel so weak and unworthy.

Many of the people on MWO are high-achievers who have otherwise have a great deal of self-discipline and control. So, getting addicted to a drug feels like a major failure. It is very confusing and all the tools that have worked for years in so many aspects of our lives are worthless.

The main thing that has helped me is getting to know so many intelligent, interesting, funny, kind, moral, and caring people here who also have experienced this. I think all of you are wonderful - and certainly NOT total failures. This has helped me see myself in the same way.

Learning about the biochemistry and psychology of addiction also has helped. There are some underlying things that can set the stage for this and once initiated, there are strong forces at work that can easily allow it to spin out of control. These are just facts that don't reflect the moral strength or value of the person.

I'll always wish this hadn't developed or that I had recognized it as a problem sooner. Or at least looked for help sooner. Those regrets don't overwhelm me anymore, though, and in some ways, I'm a better person for having had this experience - certainly more patient and less judgmental.

I'm also grateful for my new friends - some of whom know me and I know better than most people in my real life who have only been allowed to see the "good" me. To be valued by others who know the worst, darkest secrets is amazing, liberating, and very reassuring.


Lastly, I have come to understand the one day at a time theory. Don't think about a month or a year. Think about today. Just don't drink today and you'll be fine.

Hope everyone has a great night with their families - can't believe it is tomorrow for you already, Available. I'll be back...

[Rivergal]

Newbies Nest

I am so glad I am here.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Hey Rivergal! Welcome to the Nest! We're glad you're here, too! We are good listeners and we can help! When you feel like, tell us what brings you by. Not that we can fix it all, but sometimes just the act of writing it somewhere and getting it out of your head can help. Settle in and get cozy!! Byrdie

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

MAE all,
All is well here and we are getting ready to head out to church..early service with all the kids but we were asked to usher so of course I couldnt say no...but it is OK we can get back early to have a nice dinner together.
Welcome to the new folks....great place to learn and vent and whatever you need to survive...
AF is the best gift you can give yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HumbleRider]

Newbies Nest

Welcome Rivergal! This is a great place to be if you want to be sober. Keep checking in, we care.

[lclem]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Pavati and all
I am going to give the "only worry about today" plan a shot.

[little beagle]

Newbies Nest

Humblerider I like the strong individual idea. Me too.
welcome River.

[lclem]

Newbies Nest

Well now my entire family is here for Christmas. My mother has stage four lung cancer after having never smoked. My sister had thyroid cancer and will be leaving her 4 year old and 9 month old here while she returns home to get the radioactive iodine treatment. Her children will stay with me for the week, as it is dangerous to be around her. But I WILL NOT DRINK

[Pinecone]

Newbies Nest

Merry Christmas, friends.

Rivergal, you found the right place!

IClem, a lot of what you posted rings very true for me. I also found the similarities to be astonishing.

Have a happy, safe, relaxing and AF Christmas Eve!

[allankay]

Newbies Nest

Merry Christmas everyone,

I hope everyone is doing well.

Here is something to melt your heart and restore your faith in the goodness of people

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzvFHHtKUSg

Have been watching videos from Hope for Paws foundation for the last couple of days and I honestly do not remember being this touched in my entire life. Please contribute to this great cause. I have and it is the best purchase I have ever made.

Hope For Paws - Animal Rescue

AK