Newbies Nest

[maji]

Newbies Nest

Hello,

I just introduced myself, and now coming over here to lend a hand and receive support.

I am really quite ambivalent about stopping, that sounds awful, as if I want to destroy myself and perhaps I do at some level. There is also a sort of metaphorical sense in this in that it is also true that the 'old' me has to die to allow the 'new' me to emerge, and somehow it feels that drinking wine has something to do with that.

Life has been immensely stressful for me for many years due to varying circumstances and I am hardly alone in feeling and being challenged. I seem to see into things and have always been the one that people rely upon.

I finally find myself with some degree of freedom and what do I do with that freedom? You guessed!

I am so far away from myself always taking on the problems and concerns of others, and actually I feel that may well have been an excuse to avoid myself, that I do not actually know what I want or how I want my life to be.

I spend far too much time alone and long felt that I was being judged, after all, I judge myself to an incredible degree and it is certainly not something I would do to anyone else, yet I assumed that others would judge me also.

I am likely to be somewhat verbose as I have been keeping all of this inside for far too long.

So here I am.

Thank you!

[little beagle]

Newbies Nest

Pav thanks for that post. Posative reinforcement works for me.
I personally am so proud of not drinking that it has tsken away those feelings of shame I felt for so long.
Rivergal 30 days. Yeah:wave:
Nosugar. Wow One year. That is inspiring. Thank you for all you do for us. I appreciate you so much.:yougo::yougo::wave:
Have a great day all.

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

Eloise;1616785 wrote: January 22

Eloise day 30

Saw that Eloise got 30 days a couple days ago and is out of regular internet communication, still:
CONGRATS Eloise on the big 30!!!

[Rivergal]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Lil Beagle! And welcome, Maji....drinking is a very isolating behavior for most of us here. It is nice to know that being social & connected has been shown to add up to 10 years to our lives! Glad I am connected here! Have a glorious & sober day, all!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Wow, big doings in the nest already this morning!
NoSugar celebrating ONE YEAR! :grannypants:
Eloise getting her her 30 day hat:goodtime:
Rivergal at 30 days as well! :goodtime:

We want speeches! How'd you do it? I tell you, this place saves lives!
Lav, I hope you are sitting pretty today, knowing how many peoples' lives you have effected in a positive way....you set the tone here, and it's a great place to be!
I'm so proud of all our nesters hitting milestones as well as just starting out,
Maji, welcome aboard! As you can see, it IS possible to regain control of your life by getting the thing out that is causing the problem! We are so glad you're here!

Well done, everyone...it's a big day!! XXOO, Byrdie

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Oh my - I wasn't entirely awake when I posted this morning - glad I checked back in

Eloise & Rivergal - CONGRATS on your 30 AF days! Very well done :wd:

NS - CONGRTS to you on your 1 year AF anniversary!
What a feeling of accomplishment, huh? Be happy, be proud & continue on your AF path. Thank you for reaching out to help so many others here. Awesome work!

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

Well done Rivergal!!!

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

MAE all,
I got a spam PM today about balcofan..had a hard time deleting it so not sure if it contains a virus too.
Off to doctors appointment. They called early this morning with a cancellation.
Congrats to NS, Eloise and Rivergal!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bastet]

Newbies Nest

Thanks for acknowledging my post Tree23. Doctors are always hard for me to be completely honest with. I am nervous about being judged and frequently am. I agree with Pavati that if more people accepted alcohol abuse as any other abuse it would be easier for everyone to come clean. I have heard about that book but I have not read it. My hair stylist, who I have seen every 6-8 weeks for the last 15 years has read it. It seems every time I see her we discuss our drinking and how we really SHOULD stop or cut down. I think there are a lot of people, especially women, who normally drink a bottle of wine a night and know that it is an issue but are either unwilling to see it as an issue or to do anything about it.
That being said the last couple of days have been hard for me. What I would give for a little bit of mind numbing! I think it happens around the 2 week mark so I know it is not unusual. I just need to redouble my efforts, listen to my hypnosis tape, read and write around here, look at my gratitude list ..... Somewhere I read that you don't really get the full body cleansing mind cleansing benefits until 30 days at least and I want to stick around and experience that.
Welcome Maji. Enjoy hanging out with the resident rock stars they are truly inspiring! Yay NoSugar!

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Thank you for the fine looking underwear and for starting that Congratulations thread for me, Byrdie :l! And thanks to all of you in the nest who were looking forward to this day with me and offered such kind support: I'mStrong, LB, Lav, DB, Bastet, friends on the LOAM thread, and all the people on Roll Call who are working together to get this done one day at a time. Those days really do add up more quickly than you'd expect.

Last night while I was escaping the frigid temperatures we are having here by going to the dry sauna at the gym, I thought about the last time I tried to escape the stresses of life by drinking - one year before. I remember that night, but not very well, and in a way it doesn't feel like that was me. Or that that was me in the years leading up to that night. I had become someone I could barely recognize - sneaky, asocial, full of lies, guilt, and shame, apathetic, disengaged, sad, and lonely.

The changes over the last year have been greater than I would have thought possible. I think that is because before I got it back, I didn't fully understand how much I had lost - how much my personality had been altered and I had become that unrecognizable person. I didn't realize then that my life had in many ways become no more than an existence. While we're in the clutch of an addiction, it seems impossible for us to objectively evaluate the situation we're in. The drive to feed the addiction trumps everything.

I very rarely consumed alcohol until my mid-thirties and became a non-drinker in my mid-fifties. What happened during those intervening 20 years was so gradual as to be imperceptible for a very long time. For many years it did not seem that I or my life had changed very much. We just don't notice progressive incremental changes. When I finally became aware that I had a problem, it was too late to simply stop drinking, or so it seemed.

I say "or so it seemed" because really, that is all a person has to do: Simply Stop Drinking.

January 23, 2013 was pretty much like all the days before had been for what seems like years. I was doing my job, meeting my responsibilities --- functioning. We sometimes use that term like it is a good thing: 'a high-functioning alcoholic'. Machines function. People are supposed to live.

And now I'm living again - doing, planning, feeling, dreaming, remembering. Life isn't perfect and sometimes it is downright painful but I'm once again fully participating in it. I could not have done this alone and I know this is true because I tried. Hard. I was a secret drinker and I've been a quiet recover-er, except here where I've revealed more of myself and learned more about the inner lives of others than I ever have before. It has been uncomfortable sometimes but more than worth the shame, embarrassment, and awkwardness I've experienced -- all of which I've spent my life avoiding. Those burdens were lessened by the sharing, the unconditional love, support, and acceptance offered, and finally not feeling so alone.

I am grateful to whoever truly invented the internet :H and to the people who established and maintain MWO. I fear that I would have had to experience a "rock bottom" before I would have sought help in person. MWO spared me that. I especially want to thank FallenAngel, Byrdie, and Kuya for assuming I could do this when I was full of doubt and helping me figure out how. Thank you, also, to the people who began this with or after me and have trusted me to share their struggles. You help me stay strong. The words that I write in posts and private messages solidify the commitment I have made. I once again trust myself to mean what I say and to live up to those words. That is worth everything.

I went to the grocery store yesterday and as I checked out, noticed that the woman behind me was buying a tomato, deodorant, paper towels, and two bottles of wine. My head snapped up to look at her and I recognized the empty eyes and expressionless face - her studied lack of interest in her purchases. I doubt that she really needed to come out into the zero degree day for deodorant, paper towels, and one tomato. I wish there had been some way for me to tell her that she didn't need the wine, either. Even if I had, she probably would not have believed me. I wouldn't have if someone had been so brash as to confront me.

I hope someone reading this, someone who has joined or is reading a stop-drinking website can believe it and makes the simple choice not to drink. There is always another option. It isn't easy, but if you make the commitment and use everything that is available here, it is possible.

All the best to all of you. Thank you, :h NS

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Where are you Gambler?

I miss your posts, please come back!

[maji]

Newbies Nest

Dear NoSugar,

I have been that woman, although I would never buy a single tomato; just as I would never buy a single bottle of wine!

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

NS, wonderful post. Thank you for the inspiration. :l

[Fat fella]

Newbies Nest

No time to post properly at present, but just want to say to DD, you'll always be one of us quads. You may be having a trickier time of it at the moment and I really hope things improve, but we are always here for you. Will try and post some more supportive stuff later but please hang in there.

[narilly]

Newbies Nest

Eloise, Rivergal, congratulations!

I live pretty close to a liquor store. 2 minute walk (I timed it). Very convenient at 10:50 at night. I could just make it there before it closed. I wondered if they ever knew I was half cut every time I went in there that late. I am sure they did. People actually wait outside the building before they open at 10 in the morning. I feel sorry for them but I get that.

Anyway, the lady buying the tomato made me think of that. The people waiting out there have that look. I don't want to have that look. I am so glad not to be drinking. I have drank 2 times in the past 83 days or so. I figure that means I have 80 days. I hope to make 80 more. I have tried moderation so many times. As you can see I joined MWO in 2006 and tried to moderate. I bought all the supps and I could never really moderate. It was rare, if ever.
I tried to have a plan, drink low alcohol beer, water in between, change drinks, only drink after 6, only one drink during supper etc. Nothing helped.

So Now I quit. I am AF and I love it. One day at a time. This site helps me. All of you help me here. Help me to stay sober.
Thank you.

Hope everyone has a great day.