Newbies Nest

[DaftJunk]

Newbies Nest

Just Another Newbie

Hi All!

I had earlier and mistakenly started a new thread and several of the members recommended I post in the nest. So here is the link to my original post and their comments:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...bie-89699.html

And I will pick up the posting from here:

Thanks all.

How I drink: usually a couple gin and tonics before dinner (Bombay Saphire--I love that stuff)--which is usually as I make dinner. On occasion I may have stopped and had a beer or 2 with a coworker after work--but that is relatively rare. I enjoy cooking and usually come home from the office mix a cocktail and then make dinner for the fam. But it is never just one cocktail and my pours are strong. I guess this is where most of the damage is done because truthfully I will have the game or the news on or something while I cook and somehow my glass always stays full, so by the time dinner is served I am pretty well lit. Since my wife is usually off with kids or helping them with homework before dinner, I am pretty well free to drink without her really knowing/seeing how much. I know I have come to rely on this ritual as my method of de-stressing--doing something I enjoy (cooking) while drinking (which I also really enjoy). Then it's dinner with a bottle of wine--my wife will usually have a glass and on a rare occasion 2. She is a normal drinker. Most times I finish off the rest of the bottle while cleaning up. Then it's off to bed. That was typical for an awful long time.

When my wife started thinking that maybe there was a problem here--which I do not disagree with--I agreed to clean out the liquor cabinet and sticking just to the wine. Which I have mostly done. But about a month or so ago I started doing something that really bothered me and really confirmed in my mind that there was something really off here. Since I was not having my gin and tonics while I cooked anymore I started having a large glass of Arnold Palmer--half ice tea, half lemonade. Then somehow it struck me that if I poured a couple splashes of vodka in there no one would really be the wiser. So bought a bottle put it in the garage and started doing that. I have since stopped because I realized that was something alcoholics do. Ha!

I have quit on 2 different occasions for 30 days. I should not say quit--I had no intention of quitting drinking, I just wanted to show--mostly to myself--that I still had some kind of level of control. I am not so sure anymore about that.

So here I am. Still in fairly good shape, but beginning to see the road ahead and not really digging the trip. In some ways I am pissed off. I mean I had this great relationship with booze for 20 years--it calmed me , helped me be more "normal." Those that know me will tell you I have one speed and that is about 300 mph--and the booze helped me ratchet down a gear or two in the evenings and shut the mind off. And it worked! But now I feel like the booze is not fulfilling it's part of the bargain. Now I just feel tired, angry and irritable--and I guess that is really while I want to do this. I am a naturally positive, outgoing personality, and somehow the booze seems to be transforming me into an angry frustrated asshole. Not fun for the wife, kids and coworkers.

Anyway, clearly because of age or brain chemistry or whatever, the booze ain't helping anymore. Can't wait for the supps and Cd's to get here.

I am still curious about the Topamax. As I said in my earlier post I really don't want to get the family Dr. involved in this. And, of course, I can order the Topamax from some online pharmacy. So my questions are:

1. There is a link on the site to "River Pharmacy." Has anyone used them with good success? Or used another one they would recommend?
2. Maybe I should give it a go without the meds? Any thoughts/input there?
3. Maybe #1 is a really bad idea?? Again any thoughts/input would be appreciated.

Thanks!

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

Welcome daft....your post was great and the sentiments shared by many of us..
I didn't take any supplements...I drank lots and lots of water with lemon or herbal tea....did use the calms forte to help sleep but I think a benedryl would have been just as good.
You sound determined and that is a great start...make a plan for what to do instead of drinking while cooking...read, read, read and post often..we love to hear how everyone is doing.
Hang in there this can be done!!!

[gracieb]

Newbies Nest

Hi everyone, I haven't been around for the past couple days. Mainly because my boys were watching back to back episodes of "Finding Bigfoot" on my computer whenever I felt like I could get a chance to post. But here I am, still sober, and 15 days are completed. Though the last three days were definitely the toughest! And my sugar monster is coming out in a big way. I'm trying to not worry about it too much. I hope things start to balance out as I gain more traction......I could end up a blimp! Yikes!

Welcome DaftJunk... Is that a spin off of Daft Punk? :P My son loves that band.

I hope everyone is staying warm in those cold spots! Here in Oregon it just rains on... :P

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Welcome, Dear Daft.

Like Dot says, your story sounds very familiar and you have definitely come to the right place for help since you are ready to get sober.

About the topamax, I did try it a few years ago and it did help a little bit. I got a prescription from an MD first and then I did order some over the internet, but can't remember from whom I ordered.

There is another Thread called "Topamax, Campral, Naltrexone, etc...." and there are folks who post on that thread that would be happy to help you.

As far as it being a good or bad idea to use it, I don't think "one size fits all" around here. We all have to do what helps us best. We are fighting a bloody war and we need all the tools and support we can get. Great to have you with us.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Daft, welcome aboard!
Wow, I could have WRITTEN your post!
I drank too much for a long time, but I thought I had it under the radar...(THOUGHT, being the operative word there). When hubs called me out on it, I told him I would stop drinking vodka (I thought you couldn't smell it...THOUGHT being the operative word THERE, too!) So I quit drinking Vodka on Jan 31, 2010 and switched to wine, since I'd never had a problem with that. Unfortunately, Alcohol is Alcohol. Of course, then my regular glasses became VIKING GOBLETS! After a year of trying to moderate with wine I realized I'd never drank harder! I was hiding it...starting earlier and earlier during the week, on weekends I started at 10:30 in the morning! That's as long as I could wait to start! It was quite a rabbit hole I was in....clearly I had a one way ticket to a very bad place.

ALK'ism is progressive. If I had stopped when I just had a few big WARNING signs, I could have saved myself and those I love an awful lot of pain. But I didn't think I was THAT BAD. Until I GOT THAT BAD. If you find that you have signs of AL abuse (and you told us you do) then you will serve yourself well to just quit. I know you have prolly hit the delete button by now, but quitting has a lot of positives! #1, once you cross the line into addiction, you cannot control AL anymore...it controls you. When we start making RULES about when we can drink? Then you are in the team photo. When you break the rules you make, pull up a chair, you are one of us. BUT, the news is not bad at all, recognizing and turning it around is the best gift you will EVER give yourself! I didn't see HOW on Earth I could face life without AL! I'm in the business community, I live at the BEACH, Alcohol is EVERYWHERE and EVERYBODY drinks it! But you know what? I found a way. For us, one drink is too many and 1000 aren't enough. I was never happy with the drink I had in my hand, I was worried about the next one. How can you possibly do this? One day at a time. Please take a trip thru the Tool Box (link below) for helpful tips and tricks to help you. I'd give it a try without the meds first...I didn't take any because I didn't want the charges to appear on my credit card. Please don't let the FEAR of doing this keep you from doing it. It isn't nearly as HARD as I had built it up to be in my mind. I found the person I thought AL brought out is still down there...I am MUCH more relaxed now than I ever was while I was drinking...AL is a depressant and is anxiety inducing!

We sound very similar! I hope you will jump in and give it a try! I'm saving about $10 a day, I have restored self esteem and self confidence and I am HAPPY! I've saved over $10K!! I feel normal! And normal is good! Be sure to check out the Newbie's Nest Roll Call for daily accountability! There is strength in numbers!! If you are ready to get this monkey off your back, we can help! Byrdie

[Bastet]

Newbies Nest

Hi Daft, Bombay Sapphire was my favorite too. I would just add a little sparkling water to dilute it a little. Anyway I am at 17 days and pretty sure that this needs to be it for me but I can't quite go there yet. I have promised to myself and a challenge online, Sick of thinking about Drinking, that I will go 100 days AF. At that time I will look at everything and figure out the next step. This is mostly just playing games with myself to get to 100 because I think at that point sober will be a way of life. Of course I don't want to get compliant but I just can't say never right now. So I currently look two days ahead and then give myself a treat. I use to treat myself with alcohol for a bad day, a good day, an accomplishment, a failure ect. So every other day I get something because I haven't drank. Maybe a magazine, a massage some ice cream or whatever and even if I would have gotten that thing anyway I tell myself it is because I'm not drinking. It really seems a lot scarier than it is.

My husband told me last night that one of his friends is coming to stay with us Sunday - Wednesday. Last time he was here he bought us a very expensive bottle of wine which my husband refused to open because he was worried about me drinking too much. So guess what I did to spite him, stayed in the kitchen and drank Gin. By the time dinner was over I caught a few glances between my husband and this guy that said, "man I feel sorry for you, your wife is such a drunk!" Anyway I hurried off to bed and stayed there until he left the next morning. Frankly I am surprised he wants to stay with us. Possibly he has forgotten about it. And it goes without saying I won't be drinking but I just cringe at the memory

My husband and I are also going out for dinner Saturday for the first time since I quit. I plan to order sparkling water with lime he will just have to stick with wines by the glass instead of a bottle.

I am wishing everyone a good AF Wednesday.

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Hello Lovely Nesters,
Jane, that was a very thoughtful, inspiring post and along with many I've read here the past couple of days, I've gained the courage to post again myself.
I'm so sad to admit that I decided to drink last week. I'd mentioned a while ago that I'd had thoughts of "moderating", which I believe began when I was away for 5 weeks in December/Jan. The seed was planted and because I had decided to do my vacation without a computer and MWO, I wasn't active here. I had support but it wasn't the same as being with people who really know what it's like and who know me on the recovery path and who I can tell everything to. Then I came back home to real life and unresolved problems, which hit me in the side of the head, plus the worst jet-lag I've ever had and the seed began to grow. I sort of knew what was happening and sort of tried to get a grip, but I wasn't ardent enough in finding a solution. I didn't face the truth straight on. I didn't go back to read my old posts. Instead I made myself sick as a dog, ashamed, sad because I couldn't celebrate with Dottie, SCARED that I could fall back into THAT shithole of an existence, sad again because I was so fucking happy without the hold of alcohol. I thought of sweeping the couple of days under the carpet and ignoring what I'd done, carrying on as usual-- because I really couldn't imagine starting over at day 1. But I realised that the only chance I have at this is to be 100% HONEST with myself-- which is the biggest life lesson I'm learning through giving up al.
NS so sweetly reminded me that I still have all those days I didn't drink under my belt. All I know is that when I was here each and every day posting in the Nest and being accountable in the Rollcall it worked. I didn't drink and I learned so, so much about how to stay sober. And I made good friends.:l So, I won't make that mistake again.
Tomorrow I will sign into the Rollcall on Day 5.
Thank you all for being here, Life

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

jane27;1620195 wrote:
I believe I was drinking to excess because there were things I didn?t like doing- people I couldn?t deal with being around- things I signed up for that I couldn?t handle- obligations I had that I felt uncomfortable with. My life felt like a size 10 foot trying to squeeze into a size 8 shoe, and this was the major root cause behind my drinking. When I began the process of looking at these things and breaking them down into small pieces things started to evolve in a more positive direction.

This is what I am discovering too! I hated drinking, but I must have hated dealing with life's ordinary circumstances worse. Anything to spice it up or hide from it.

I am still struggling. Yesterday and today have been full of challenges, but I really am trying to analyze situations before checking out of them. I ask myself Why. Why am I anxious or angry or sad or bored? What can I do, think, eat or drink (nonalcoholic) to get myself in a better frame of mind. This is allowing me not to feel so "boxed in". I used to automatically and immediately go to my bottle. Now, I stop and think about alternatives and about negative consequences of using the bottle and I am coming up with some healthier ways to deal with the stress of it all.

Breaking it into small pieces is a great description, Jane. Deal with what you can at the time, analyze any problems that arise as you are trying to deal and adjust your attitude if temptation occurs by distracting yourself with something more enjoyable and positive. This will work. Then, you can go back to tackling the challenging situation, and with a clear head.

And, being the true starfish that I am, I must tell you that I LOVE seashells and any opportunity to look at them or spend time with them.

:h Star

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Oh, LC :l
Cross post there. So glad you are getting back in the saddle so quickly. You are making the right choice by posting and holding yourself accountable. In fact, I find it's the only way. We all love and admire you so much and are so glad you are back. And 5 days is AWESOME, girl. Congratulations!

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

So glad to see you again LC...5 days is great!! You know how to do this so climb back on and join in...I missed you!!

[HP and TJ]

Newbies Nest

Evening nesters.

HP and TJ flying by.

Been a busy but rewarding Day 24. (Days are scarily adding up fast now!)

Exhausted and in need of bed. Back in tomorrow to read and post support.

Keep up the good work all of you.

HP.

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Thank you Star and Dottie:h
I'm feeling better already, like a giant weight has been lifted and I can get on with what I was trying so hard to do before.. STAYING SOBER. Realising again, that the greatest power I have over alcohol is not drinking.
Star, your last post was right on. Learning how to catch those feelings and ask "Why?". To pinpoint what is going on inside ourselves, what doesn't feel quite right, and to change either the situation or our way of dealing with it. That is what I'm going to pay more attention to.

[Roller Girl]

Newbies Nest

Jane, thanks for the support.

Bastet - I reckon I could have written your post. I have done that and similar so many times, got drunk either by intention or by accident, often with my husband's family & friends around, his sister even called me an alcoholic once to my face & I thought, as we had never got on well, she was just trying to think of something nasty to say as she was jealous of what a fabulous party girl I was compared to her boring life (ha! yeah! that would be it! this obviously in the days before socialising became less attractive for me, and drinking alone at home in the evening so much more appealing), I have argued with his friends both in person & online when drunk, said inappropriate things to his family, rarely lasted past 10pm on a night out or party in recent years & I also have been aware of that general air of pity and a sense of "Poor guy with the drunk wife" mixed with the uncomprehending "What does he see in her? / How can he stay with her?" which is sad, as I do love him so much, but that obviously doesn't come across to the people he cares about, who then resent me. It's a big mess. But hey this is my day 2 of trying to change things, and so just for today I won't have a drink (I think I should get this tattooed on my inner arm!). I wish you well, we can support each other. I think it's added motivation when not only is your own life not as great or as full as it could be without alcohol, but you are seriously affecting the people you love too. Hang in there sister I wish I was at 17 days xxx

Lifechange, I have also fallen off the wagon last year, after being proud of myself for a brief time of abstinence, and I remember the gut-wrenching "Why did I do that?" feeling, but it's so great you're back trying again so soon. It took me a long time to be brave enough to try again (and a lot more episodes of drunken bad behaviour, and remorse, and all the rest). Life can be uncomfortable and other people difficult and things unfair and upsetting and I think my (perhaps most of us here's) greatest challenge is to deal with it without alcohol. I find the distress tolerance techniques useful - the distraction, the acceptance and learning to (or forcing myself to) "sit with" anxiety, accept I am experiencing it right now, and know that it will pass. It is an uncomfortable feeling but it does pass without alcohol. There's a really good detailed explanation of this stuff I found on the Toolbox.

Anyway what a long post! Thanks for reading x

[Marylou123]

Newbies Nest

EAM Everyone,

Dream - I love Byrd's moons! :H

Jane - thank you so much. My spirits are much better today, despite the dreary weather here!

Roller Girl - welcome. I agree with the others, your husband sounds very supportive. My husband, whom I love very much, moved out a week ago today. He says it is a separation only - he needs time apart and I need to get the drinking under control. That was the kick in the ass I needed. But, I WILL NOT let my sobriety be predicated on what he does or doesn't do. This Sunday he will rent a truck and come move stuff. That will be hard. I will not drink. I will be here instead!

Sorry to go on, but you can keep doing the great work you've started. Today is day 8 and I feel better, stronger, healthier and saner than I have in ages.

Birdie - you are a fantastic inspiration. Star, K9, Lav, Pav, and all I am leaving out, Thank You!

[Bastet]

Newbies Nest

Hey Marylou, I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. You sound amazingly together for everything that is happening in your life. I have heard here many times that it is when we hit bottom that we realize we need to stop and fix things. Bottoming out can mean many things maybe a DUI to one person and maybe just knowing that alcohol is making things worse in your life for another. You mentioned your husband leaving is the kick in the ass you needed and maybe that's a good thing. After a terrible Thanksgiving my two daughters told me they refused to spend Christmas with me if I could not get my drinking under control. Well that was my bottom. It took me until 1-13 to actually become AF but they knew I was making headway in December and we actually had a great Christmas together. I hope it is not too hard the day your husband gets his stuff. Maybe you could be out of the house taking a long walk or even going to a wi-fi free cafe and logging on here. Never apologize for going on about anything. We are all here for each other and next week it will be someone else that needs an encouraging word. I am wishing you all the best and I am not so many days ahead of you so we can boost up each other.