Newbies Nest

[Luckyflower]

Newbies Nest

I don?t know what happened

I don?t know what happened. I was right on. Right on the right track. 120 days ? didn?t even think it was possible. I did it. No struggles just the first few weeks. Everything felt so good. All of a sudden out of nowhere, well maybe not out of nowhere, I did ?break up? with a friend, being single again on Valentines? contributed to the feeling Regardless, I just walked into the liquor store and bought 2 bottles of small Jack (200 ml), came home, finished them and remembering WANTING MORE although I was already f**ckd up.

Then regretted it all through the next day. I was lying on the couch on Friday the whole f**cking day. Only times I got my ass off the couch was to poop, pee or order a pizza delivery. Then repeatedly promised myself it was a one time fluke and will not happen again. Also decided to not loose count of 120 and see this as a onetime thing. No way did I want to start Day 1 all over again.

So Friday sucked but I had a hair appointment for Saturday. Lying on the couch I was very firm with NO MORE AL 4 me. I woke up happy. Still not fully me since I knew the AL was still in my stream but happy enough to know this was a onetime thing and I can forgive myself and go on with my life. I went to the hair dresser, then continued with the regular grocery shopping stuff. Had no thoughts of AL. None. Whatsoever.
2 stops before my actual bus stop. I get off the bus and naturally enough walk into the liquor store again. I must confess, it may sound unreal but I had no plans of doing so. In fact, I strongly believe my former day promises were true and honest. I had no cravings. I just walked into the store and bought
?my usual?. Sorry if this may sound un planned but it really was. I just did it.
So. I am now at home thinking I am in full control, thinking I got this. I just cut myself some slack. I Know how to control the substance. I?m good. Not great just good. Hey there?s always tomorrow. Right?

[lead366]

Newbies Nest

Yes---Always tomorrow---120 days is a big deal......and deep down you dont want to do this. Trust your deep down and jump back on Luckyflower...just jump back on...its only a wee stumble.

No time for feeling failure...just right the ship...all is ok.

Counting on you

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Lucky:

I'm sorry for what you're going through! It is always a jolt for me when someone with a (relatively) long time sober suddenly relapses. I have to believe that it won't happen to me or I would just go ahead and drink now and get it over with. Therefore, I have read and continue to read a lot about relapse. It is very interesting to me how the physical relapse (the actual drinking) is preceded by an emotional relapse. Someone posted this on the relapse thread and J-vo reposted it in her journal - it is worth a read for those of us who are feeling comfortable and aren't in the immediacy of a very recent quit. I hope it helps!

This is from "Relapse in Retrospect Thread" and it would be a good idea to keep these things in check .

Change in Attitude - For some reason you decide that participating in your recovery program is just not as important as it was. You may begin to return to what some call "stinking thinking" or unhealthy or addictive thinking. Basically, you are not working your program as you did previously. You feel something is wrong, but can't identify exactly what it is.

Elevated Stress - An increase in stress in your life can be due to a major change in circumstances or just little things building up. Returning to the "real world" after a stint in residential treatment can present many stressful situations. The danger is if you begin over-reacting to those situations. Be careful if you begin to have mood swings and exaggerated positive or negative feelings.

Reactivation of Denial - This is not denial that you have a drug or alcohol problem, it's denial that the stress is getting to you. You try to convince yourself that everything is OK, but it's not. You may be scared or worried, but you dismiss those feelings and you stop sharing those feelings with others. This is dangerous because this denial is very similar to denial of drug addiction or abuse.

Recurrence of Postacute Withdrawal Symptoms - Anxiety, depression, sleeplessness and memory loss can continue long after you quit drinking or doing drugs. Known as postacute withdrawal symptoms these symptoms can return during times of stress. They are dangerous because you may be tempted to self-medicate them with alcohol or drugs.

Behavior Change - You may begin to change the daily routine that you developed in early sobriety that helped you replace your compulsive behaviors with healthy alternatives. You might begin to practice avoidance or become defensive in situations that call for an honest evaluation of your behavior. You could begin using poor judgment and causing yourself problems due to impulsive behavior without thinking things through.

Social Breakdown - You may begin feeling uncomfortable around others and making excuses not to socialize. You stop hanging around sober friends or you withdraw from family members. You stop going to your support group meetings or you cut way back on the number of meetings you attend. You begin to isolate yourself.

Loss of Structure - You begin to completely abandon the daily routine or schedule that you developed in early sobriety. You may begin sleeping late, or ignoring personal hygiene or skipping meals. You stop making constructive plans and when the plans you do make don't work out, you overreact. You begin focusing on one small part of life to the exclusion of everything else.

Loss of Judgment - You begin to have trouble making decisions or you make unhealthy decisions. You may experience difficulty in managing your feelings and emotions. It may be hard to think clearly and you become confused easily. You may feel overwhelmed for no apparent reason or not being able to relax. You may become annoyed or angry easily.

Loss of Control - You make irrational choices and are unable to interrupt or alter those choices. You begin to actively cut off people who can help you. You begin to think that you can return to social drinking and recreational drug use and you can control it. You may begin to believe there is no hope. You lose confidence in your ability to manage your life.

Loss of Options - You begin to limit your options. You stop attending all meetings with counselors and your support groups and discontinue any pharmacotherapy treatments. You may feel loneliness, frustration, anger, resentment and tension. You might feel helpless and desperate. You come to believe that there are only three ways out: insanity, suicide, or self-medication with alcohol or drugs.

Relapse - You attempt controlled, "social" or short-term alcohol or drug use, but you are disappointed at the results and immediately experience shame and guilt. You quickly lose control and your alcohol and drug use spirals further out of control. This causes you increasing problems with relationships, jobs, money, mental and physical health. You need help getting sober again.

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Pav- your post is so great. Thank you. Lucky- don't feel so bad...just get it together! Tonight, myself, as I was in touch via PM with another alchie...I had to 'relive' what most likely caused me to drink in the first place. He is a new 'sponsor' and wanted to know what it was that got me consuming copious amts of alcohol. I told him. That was a hard email to write. This isn't just about 'stopping' the cycle of drinking...it's about 'healing' the mind. We have to get thru that, or we will never be successful.

That is the TRUTH. It doesn't matter how much of anything else you do. This I KNOW for certain. It's great to have other strategies for regular day-to-day coping, but unless the mind is 'healed'...it's going to be an uphill battle.

I'm not making excuses...just stating a FACT. We all started to drink for a reason, and I guarantee it wasn't just for 'fun'. That's teenage 'angst' and we get over that shit. What we don't get over is the stuff in our mind that caused us to start/continue drinking. I might be new here, but I'm not an idiot. I was faced with this myself tonight, and I realized..that's what's missing. MIND HEALING.

I suppose if you are strong enough you could surpress that in which drove you to drink in the first place. Great!

But, I feel if you don't address the problems that 'got you here' then that red magic carpet is going to be pulled from underneath you, esp during hard times like Lucky is experiencing.

So. I guess I'm saying...some of us need more help than just coping mechanisms of AL intake. Those 'mind' things shouldn't be judged or dealt with here. Just MO.

[mywayin]

Newbies Nest

Luckyflower;1628644 wrote: No way did I want to start Day 1 all over again.

Sorry about your "fall" Lucky but just get back up on the horse asap!

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[DreamThinkDo]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters

Hump Day, and a busubusybusy one here - take-away coffee all right?



Lucky, sorry about the relapse - but you sound as if you're ready to get back on that horse and ride the devil out of him, right?

Sarah, lots to think about in your post - thanks.

Pav, you should become the site archivist!

Mein - thinking of you and your extended family. Stay strong and come here to vent whenever you need a break.

OK Nesters, have to rush, but have a lovely AF Wednesday.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Looking forward to meeting a few old friends for lunch today None of us drink, it's always just a fun & relaxing time.

Lucky, sounds to me like you were a victim of habitual behavior. Most of us should be able to understand that. I know I do. We can & must change our automatic coping mechanisms if we indeed want to remain AF. I used the MWO Hypno CDs daily for more than a year to help me make that change - I highly recommend them. We have to convince ourselves that AL will never help us, only harm us. Please look into some sort of hypnotherapy, it really works

Wishing everyone a great AF Hump day!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nesters...
LuckyFlower, I am so sorry to hear of your fall. Pour all that stuff out and get back up sooner than later. Nothing is improved by waiting another day, you just get deeper into it. Don't let AL rob you of one more day! Stay close!

But not too close, I have a rotten cold. I feel like thit. (As Jane and DTD would say!). I have a hacking cough and got NO sleep. Sorry to complain, I am a very grumpy sick person. I could go down my list of aches but I won't. Ok, a short list, throat hurts, everything aches, 99* temp (should be higher as lousy as I feel) and headache. Other than that I'm fine. Oh, and my hair hurts. xo, Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Luckyflower;1628644 wrote:
So. I am now at home thinking I am in full control, thinking I got this. I just cut myself some slack. I Know how to control the substance. I?m good. Not great just good. Hey there?s always tomorrow. Right?

Hi, Lucky

I can't tell from this what your plan is now and what you mean by knowing you can control alcohol. I can control it only by not drinking it; after that, it is in charge.

To have made it to 120 days (congratualtions!), you must have had a pretty good plan in place. What was different on the day you decided to drink?

Anyway, it is good to see you again. All the best, NS

[Luckyflower]

Newbies Nest

Thank you all for the support and comforting words. All I feel right now is shame. I?ve gotten so used and comfortable with being AF that it took me for a loop. My life was on the right track. My nights were un believable. Sheer happiness.
Now I?m home not sure what to do with myself. Not thinking clearly. Saying I?m in full control was sarcastic. I am never in control when Al is in the picture.

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

Luckyflower;1628794 wrote: ........ I am never in control when Al is in the picture.

Never a truer statement made for many of us

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

MAE all,
Off to run errands...sun is out and it is a balmy 45 degrees....;-))
Lucky you know that u can do this...stay strong and get your plan out and implement NOW!
New doggie is making progress...he is just scared and I cant blame him. he will be fine in a month or so I just know it...
Later.

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

Of on another short excursion with my son - I'm looking forward to hanging out with just him for a couple of days.

Jane - I think that's right (based on lots of reading). Even though it may seem tedious or unnecessary at times, it seems to be good practice to focus on sobriety every day. That doesn't mean an obsession, but a community of sober people to remind you - one day at a time.

I agree, it is quiet around here. Hope everyone is ok.

I'll be able to check in maybe a little over the next couple of days. Happy Sober Hump Day!

[lead366]

Newbies Nest

Something just happened to me.....weird...Anywayssssssssss.......lol

As I was going about my morning routine, getting ready for the day a lighbulb went off in my head...."Hey!....I am completely sober with zero hangover"!.....WTF!...Go FIGURE!

I?.....get to enjoy my day completely free of guilt, shame, foggy brain, dehydration.

Yup----Its a mindshift.... Why am I worrying?....Im sober and clean.....No way I will drink today...Cuz tomorrow I can wake up sober and free again. What a good deal!

And when I wake tomorrow?.....I shall begin another dastardly journey towards another big step toward great health...Stay tuned my friends......I shall announce! lol........

Have a glorious day.....lets change our thinking...this is worth it! All I have to do?....is say no!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Hey Lead, That happened to me on my Day 13! Something just clicked and I knew this was something I could continue doing!! I am so glad it has happened for you...I kept falling just before that, what a shame, if I had held out for one more day I'd have been out of the woods! Keep up the great work!

Lucky, my heart goes out to you. All I can say is stay engaged with us here (The MotherShip) and you will get back on track. What you did before will work again.
I understand the guilt/shame/remorse associated with starting over, it's a bitch. I'd have a full year longer down below if I'd gotten my act together, but it is what it is! Glad you are back here with us. Byrdie