Newbies Nest

[Luckyflower]

Newbies Nest

Thank you so much Byrdie. I know exactly what I need to do and I know how to do it. I cannot change my relapse. I have no AL in my house and I will keep my guards tight. I know now that there is no such thing as out of the woods. I was fooling myself thinking I am there. I hate AL and how it makes me feel. I CHOOSE not to drink.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Luckyflower;1628644 wrote: I don?t know what happened. I was right on. Right on the right track. 120 days ? didn?t even think it was possible. I did it. No struggles just the first few weeks. Everything felt so good.

The Feb 6 post on this blog has a great description of how this happens and what is needed to prevent it :One Crafty Mother

[Trusting Believer]

Newbies Nest

Hi - I'm have been lurking again for a long time - I've come and gone and have decided to post again and start new - I am scared - I need support - and I don't know what to do to find that - I did not drink yesterday for the fist time in a very long time and I couldn't sleep and I was scared and anxious and more - I made it to the morning and through today - and I am going to make it through tonight God willing - I am praying for strength - I am so sick of it - thanks for reading - any help is welcome and so appreciated - xx TB

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters!

I hope everyone had a good day, I did
I got to spend a few hours catching up with old friends, had a great lunch, AL wasn't even mentioned!

Jane, I didn't have a CD player around either. I think I went on ebay & bought an inexpensive one just to use for Hypno CDs, glad I did too

Lucky, use any means available to help you change your thinking!
There are lots of freebies available online too:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/free-hypnosis/id438205784?mt=8

Hayhouse Radio & Chopra have stuff available too - check them all out

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest.
Byrdie, take care of yourself!!

Lav

[Luckyflower]

Newbies Nest

Thank you so much no sugar for that link. I read it and fully understood the fact that I must maintain and treat my quit on a daily basis. I got so used to being sober that yes I had neglected the treatment. I know what I need to do and I am ready to jump back into my REAL and sober life as I know them. I am not drinking again.
Thank you all for the support and good advice. Wishing everyone a great AF life

[Luckyflower]

Newbies Nest

Thank you so much no sugar for that link. I read it and fully understood the fact that I must maintain and treat my quit on a daily basis. I got so used to being sober that yes I had neglected the treatment. I know what I need to do and I am ready to jump back into my REAL and sober life as I know them. I am not drinking again.
Thank you all for the support and good advice. Wishing everyone a great AF life

[little beagle]

Newbies Nest

I am sorry Luckyflower. :l
Jane thanks for that post. I really needed it.
Sorry you feel bad Byrdie. Hope it passes off quickly.

[lead366]

Newbies Nest

Hey TB...For now?...just ingest as much water and herb tea as you can and stay away from sugar if you can. Perhaps you can check the supplements area here and get some to help to calm nerves, and really stave off craves. I used a bunch and they really helped calm me down. It was unreal actually. I would also take some epsom salt baths as they will draw toxins out of system like magic. Be good to yourself FOR SURE this first week. By day 7 you will feel alot better and you will want to write more.

For now?...Dont be scared..no need to..Your safe...you have found friends here and your withdrawals are only uncomfortable...thats all..uncomfortable.....No pain righttttt??????

You are on your way...its a good journey...DIVE IN AND ENJOY IT!

[gracieb]

Newbies Nest

Hi TB! Welcome! Hold on for these few days and if you can, try to rest and kind of baby yourself. Eat good foods and sleep. Things will start to clear up.

Good night everyone. End of day 8 for me.

[Icanwithoutacan]

Newbies Nest

Whew .... Close one tonight as I went to a huge event - I am so glad to be sober and in bed. Two of my friends slurring and one crying made me happy to not have caved. It wasn't hard tonight just mire tempted than usual and lots if people telling me "your not an alcoholic"

[Icanwithoutacan]

Newbies Nest

Hi TB....the first few days are so hard.... You have to expect that you will suffer a little while physically and mentally but you will come out on the other side. Then slowly slowly you will feel a shift in your brain where you don't think about drinking and sober becomes wonderful and something you want to hold in a tight fist.... There will be temptation yes but IMO it is never the struggle that pulling yourself out of the pit on the first few days is.... Lots of distraction, food, water or whatever u like helps .... Good luck

[muldoon]

Newbies Nest

Icanwithoutacan;1629025 wrote: ...the first few days are so hard....

you aint kidding. this is hard, stressful night for me. im literally at the point it's all I can do to just maintain deep breathing right now.

[DreamThinkDo]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters!

I had some rain on my perch last night, and today is cool and overcast.

Anybody for coffee to get to day off to a good caffeine-rich start?



Ican, I'm glad to hear you managed to sail across another obstacle. I find that each time I'm in a social setting, my non-drinking self grows stronger.

Muldoon and Trusting, you will feel better - soon - and then you actually keep on feeling better. Can you take a hot bath or a shower to help you relax and take your mind off booze? Muldoon, if deep breathing is what it takes, then deep breaths! I slept a lot, stuffed my face, and pretty much treated myself like a sick baby. Your body needs time to readjust and heal - be kind to it.

Luckyflowe, I love what you said about you getting used to being sober - it really is true, but I also see the implied warning.

Lead, your mind shift post (my) last night had me going :yay: :yay: this morning.

Jane, the google coffee pics are a predetermined size. If you want to down load from Photobucket, specify for then long side to be 180 (the short side is automatically calculated - usually about 165). Does this help? If not - you know where to find me

Have a lovely AF Thursday all!

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Well, I was a bit disappointed today. The guy I 'thought' could help 'sponsor' me for lack of better word, pretty much blew me off. Not cause he's a bad guy or anything, but he had alot of job issues I guess. It's ok cause I have the Nest. I didn't get the L-Glut today, but should get it tomr. I'm not totally relying on it, as I'm still 'tapering' down, and have my plan ready. I'm not setting a true target date until I get the L-GLut.

I was hoping to see more Nesters as well, but it is what it is.

Get well Byrdie.

TB- Welcome- maybe we can help each other?

Thanks all!

[muldoon]

Newbies Nest

midnight just ticked over, so I guess I am on day 4 now after my last slip. I'm stressed as I write this, hoping that the act of writing will help me. sorry for the length in advance .. yes I already know it will be long.

Mostly doing ok since I figured out my blood sugar issues, been eating a ton of salad, taking berberine, ala, vitamin e, and inositol. huge positive benefit. I feel my brain working again. have some cravings, but overall I feel the baclofen doing its job like it was before. It still takes desire to stop, but it helps.

today I had the great idea of joining a gym, so I sought one out. toured the place, spoke with a guy and all was good. good lord, the women that walk around that place.. I don't know how he gets anything done.. anyway, we get towards the end and discuss rates. I tell him I do not want to do automated direct bank transfers and he says no problem. you can pay cash or check at the desk and keep your account up to date... but they need a card to setup the account. He says they will never use it as long as I keep my balance paid. ok, so I leave to go to walmart to get a prepaid visa card to open the account with. I have had a bad experience with direct ability for companies to just withdrawal funds and will never do it again, just general principle. so I get to walmart, and I have not been in a walmart in years.. only three lines are open, and all of them have 6 people with full carts in line. I have one thing in my hand. I'm waiting and another register opens, she is telling the woman in front of me "mam" over and over, I walk around her and go to the register to be told she was in front, still calling her to get her attention because she has the mental ability of a cow looking at a new gate. so I wait. she unloads her full cart with her crotch fruit running around her sniffling and yelling. then I get to the counter and she scans the card, "sale not allowed". she scans it again. same thing, over and over.. she is like a zombie. I feel like I am in a bad movie. She does not even acknowledge there is a problem and I just walk out the door. my patience for stupidity is very low at this point. so I go back to the gym and flag the guy down, all is good. I am going to open the account with my regular debit but pay cash. he starts setting up the account and then leaves saying his manager will help me. manager comes over all smiles and smooth talking and tells me I cannot open the account with cash, they cannot accept cash at the gym. I say the guy who has worked here for 2 years says you can.. he fumbles.. and says only by check after direct withdrawal is setup. he goes on about how there is never any problems and they care about the customer and I should trust him because he takes care of problems. after a divorce in the past few months, and a death in the family and seeing how my sister is treating me over the shittiest of assets, something I never saw coming, my trust-o-meter is fucking busted to hell. I laugh at him and walk out. My patience for liars is even lower than my patience for stupid people.

So I get home, and calm myself down. I'm ok, rattled but ok. I decide to do something nice for myself and go get a massage. something I almost never do. once or twice a year when my back is hurt. So I go and head to a place that opened up recently and ask for deep tissue. They are booked but the guy gives me a card and says come back later or better yet call and then come back. I kinda discount the idea but ok. I get back and do some stuff with my son once he is out of school. When he gets picked up by his mom, I decide what the hell, I got nothing planned, I'll call that massage place. make a reservation for 7 (in 30 minutes) and all is good. I pull up on time, walk in and get told they have no one available. I explain to the girl I called and made a reservation. She says wait a minute.. I sit down and that stress is rising again. The guy comes back and says they are going refund a customer his money and ask him to leave so I can go first. That they are taking care of me. That's kinda cool. So I go back and explain to the girl that I have some nerve problems and want her to focus on my neck and spine to look for knots or adhesion s to work out. massage is going fine, then after about 30 minutes she starts talking to me, what do I do? technology.. where do I work, from home. am I married, no, oh really? have a girlfriend, I say lots, and then she wont stop talking. complimenting me and such. towards the end she tells me to come with her to the "table shower", where I enter this room with a plasticy table and a shower. she soaps me down and washes me with hot water, kinda nice. she removes my cover so I am completely naked and of course I have a boner. no sex happened if that's where you think this is going, it's not. But it was kinda nice and kinda awkward at the same time. after I'm done being washed she tells me to stand up nude and towels me off and leads me back to where I was. I get dressed and she comes back in with a bottle of water. She opens a piece of chocolate and puts it in my mouth. she leads me out the the lobby by my arm smiling and keeping eye contact. she tells me when I come back we will use the vip room because now I am a vip. In the lobby she gives me a business card for vip only and writes her name on the back and tells me to come back and see her, maybe in the next hour. I smirk and say not tonight and walk out the door. wow, that was unexpected. I guess it is one of "those" types of massage places. Had I walked in there just a week ago I know how that would have ended up.

So I get back home, mostly relaxed from the massage but to be honest a bit sexually frustrated. I look at my phone and see two missed texts from my I guess you would call her my girlfriend. At least she would be pissed if she heard me say otherwise. I text her back and offer up some leftover bbq and make a vague open ended hint at sex. she says she is right around the corner and will be here soon. By around the corner she is at a bar. She tells me she goes to this bar because it is close to my house and she "wants to be close" to me so she can see me later. The last time this happened two weeks ago or so she told me she was coming, and I waited for her. 1.5 hours later she was still there. So tonight, I waited 30 minutes, no Jen, nothing. My anxiety is rising. I am sitting here waiting like a puppy for her and getting kinda nervous and pissy about it. This is a recurring theme for me, and something I wrote about last week. It is a bigtime trigger for me. So at 45 minutes I just text her back to enjoy her beer and I'll catch up with her later, that I'm headed out for some fresh air.

I honestly was not mad at her. She understands what I am doing and maybe 1/20th of the reasons why, but I do not expect her to change because of it. I simply was not going to sit around and allow my mood to shit the bed because of it. So I headed out to go find geocaches, a recently renewed hobby of mine. 15 minutes later she texts me that she is at my house. I ignore it for a few minutes and find 5 mote texts. She is entering freak out mode. I text her it's all good, I'll catch up with her later. she calls, I ignore. she texts, I ignore. I make my way to the next cache, then another. she goes from calling me every 5 minutes to every minute to every 10 seconds. My anxiety is rising with every call or text. I am telling her to just go home and I'll see her tomorrow. She's saying she will wait at my house and for me to come home. I am not going to change my plans now. I am not going to rearrange my evening because she is upset. I needed that outside time to unwind, and the more bullshit she kept giving me the more anxiety and stress I felt. geocaching is very relaxing to me; and I realized tonight that I approach it similar to how i drink. One after another, I zero in, locate, sign log and move on. One dopamine hit after another, it helps fill that amygdallic need I have. after what seemed like forever .. 3 hours since the first messages of the night .. I finally reach my breaking point. She is calling every 10 seconds, one right after the next. geocaching with my phone is impossible because my phone keeps ringing. I answer, are you fucking kidding me? Just go home and I'll call you tomorrow. Nope. She isn't going anywhere. I end up yelling at her on the phone, something I never do, I mean I never yell, good god, I'm blocking you on my phone. and I did, I have never blocked a caller in my life until tonight. She still can text me apparently, and so she did. I decide there is no salvaging the evening and any relaxation I was getting is shot to hell, so I make my way towards my house. Actually, something I thought was funny happened then, as I was driving a song came on my pandora station called "cant tell if I drink" by jason boland, the opening line and chorus is "cant tell if I drink because she bitches or she bitches because I drink" .. I laughed out lud at that because since I was not drinking, I had an answer to that ago old question. Anyway, I drive by the street but not the house and yup her car is in the street. I keep going and find a parking lot. I start to text her that she is causing me a lot of stress and I do not really need it and I just want her to go home.. before I finish texting, I get a call from a number I do not recognize (because my phone was stolen and my new phone doesn't have all the numbers in it). I answer and it is my mothers ex-boyfriend. He has been calling me for months and I have ignored him. They broke up 3 years ago when she kicked him out. He has schizophrenia and has been out of the picture a long time, until she died. suddenly he wants back in the kids life. I found out he was trying to connect with my daughter on facebook back in December and put a stop to it. since then he has been trying to contact me directly to get it sorted. I have been dodging him. I tell him that, and other things and finally get off the phone with him after 15 minutes. I'm emotionally exhausted. I text her one last time that I have asked her to leave several times and I will ask one more time, I follow up with I will call the police and have them ask her to leave if needed. I just cannot deal with more bullshit today. I go home. sure enough, she is there.

I meet her in the driveway, and I am kinda short and quiet. I'm not mad or yelling, in fact I am giving her no emotions from me. I just tell her that I have had a stressful day and do not want more stress right now because it is not helping me. she blows up. she says this means we are done. I do not know if she expected me to cave, but I damn sure didn't. I said ok and started walking inside. She told me to wait, she wanted her green card back. She was born in London and had been storing it in my gun safe lately. So I walk in and get it for her, she is standing in the doorway when I give it to her. She's saying she always loved me and that I am killing her. drama drama.. I'm sick of it by this point and just have no fucks to give anymore. I shut the door and go sit down.

There is half a bottle of bourbon in the shelf. I have ice in the freezer. I do not know why I left it there, I have not had strong cravings the last few days so I wasn't worried about it. I make my way to mywayout forums and post a note to the nest, then just focus on breathing until I regain some composure. For some reason, making tomorrows roll call say "4" is the most important thing on my mind. I cared before, but never that much. I do not know what is different. Then I write, and write, and write, and I wrote a damn novel tonight. I do not know why it helps me, but it does. It's been a while since I got home and I have re-visited today's events. I am much calmer. 100% sober. what a day, hard fought, and won.