Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Nesters:

The conversation about mystery bruises had me thinking about another thing I am grateful for in sobriety. I used to have to be tentative around my kids and DH as I was never sure if I had said something to them or not (or a hundred times or once). I had to sort of dance around some subjects and see if they said "remember, mom, we talked about it last night?" I wasn't stumbling around slurring, but the fog that drinking daily was in the way. NOW when I can't remember something I can ask and engage with confidence. If I forget something it is just my old age - and I never thought THAT would be a relief! :gramps:

And today I used my new skills in urge surfing to avoid buying a bag of Lindt chocolates in the store - so much learning here!

Day 3 and 4 are hard because you feel better and the guilt from the last drunk is subsiding. Keep the memories of that last hangover alive and use it for motivation. Here is some information about tapering - it seems you can do it fairly quickly (albeit PAINFULLY). Getting past that anxiety was very rough, but SO worth it!

OK - Time for the upside down nesters to go right side up and for me to go upside down. I'm on the west coast of the US, too, and I am usually posting just as they are waking up. Dreamy's coffee stays nice and hot, though.

xo
Pav

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

First, please excuse my language. But FUCK IT. I've done 'ok' 'tapering', but that's bullshit. Yes, it's probably better for me to continue tapering with my Crohn's, but boy have I prolonged that puppy until it's been done to death. I mean seriously??? Am I being honest with myself that it takes nearly 3 weeks to taper? Answr: HELL NO. I've read so many threads, created my plan twice...thinking what a 'good' little soldier I was being. BULLSHIT. The truth is...I can't go a day without AL...

My mind is saying "oh but you can...only 4 drinks today and then 3 tomr and then none". yeah RIGHT DEVIL...get the FUCK OUT OF HERE. I'm sick of this. I mean what's the point in drinking 4 beers and no wine? Waste of damn money is what it is...

So, tomr I am going to *try* my first AF day. I make no promises to myself or anyone else. My plan for tomr, and tomr alone is get a huge pizza, lots of rasberry tea and flavored hot chocolate, decaff coffee with flavored cream, yogurts, and hell I might bake something or clean the whole damn neighborhood.

I'm so sorry for my language and negativity but I'm so sick of this. Not only am I tired of lying to myself, I'm just plain tired of all the work that is involved in 'tapering". If my body seizes up or whatever the fuck it wants to do...then so beit.

I hope I still feel this way tomr after I wake so I can at least try my first day AF. I guess I'll let ya'll know how it goes if I'm not too disappointed.

-Sarah

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

Sarah, go ahead and let it all out! It's better to feel your emotions and get the feelings out. No worries on the language and negativity; we ALL have days like this. It sounds like you have a good plan for your AF day. Let your emotions guide you and be good and forgiving to yourself. I am here for you, as we all are. :l

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

Hi All, I also need to vent a bit. Feeling very stressed today. We found out yesterday evening that my MIL will need to have an operation on her spine... they want to implant four metal rods to give her more stability and strength to hopefully give her a somewhat "comfortable" life for as long as she lives. Apparently the tumor has weakened her spine so much that the radiation procedures will do nothing for her. I realize that the doctors are doing all that they can to give her a life for as long as possible, but she is so stressed and nervous about the procedure. I've never seen a strong person taken down emotionally as severely as this is taking her down. It breaks my heart. At least on the way home in the car I kept telling myself "don't drink AT the problem".

I'm making marshmallow popcorn for breakfast. I know, totally NOT healthy, but I'm still making my plan for sugar free/AL free March with my hubs, so I'm getting the pity party eating out of my system for now. I'm thankful that hubby is willing to go AL free for me, for an entire month. It amazes me how easy it is for him to give up drinking... he didn't even flinch when I suggested that he give up AL for a month to support me. I'm a lucky girl.

Much love and strength to you all today. No more mystery bruises! :l

[available]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters

Well will throw my 2cents worth in as i am up to 90 days tomorrow and pretty damn proud of that achievement.

Moderating and tapering are bullshit (tapering though if due to an extremely high alcohol intake is probably advisable though but what is a high al intake?). Why not stop? We are scared that is why. We fucking love al, we are addicted, i know i was totally hooked, al was my best friend, my companion, the one who most understood me. Total and utter bullshit. Al did me no favours and doesnt do anyone who is addicted to it any favours whatsoever. It will suck every single bit of life that we have out of us until we are a shell of what we should be.

I could never get my head around NEVER drinking again? Why cant i drink? I can moderate surely? I can have a few, a few is a hell of a lot less than what i did drink. Lets give it a shot and see how we go. Well pathetically so, i was back to drinking probably more than when i decided to moderate. Al is ADDICTIVE to us alcoholics and therefore i can NEVER have one drink. Would I like 1, of course i would, will i have 1, of course i wont. I will NEVER give al the chance to beat me, to own me again.

Was it hard to stop, it was what i can imagine any other addict going through. HELL, horrible, horrendous. how can i possibly cope with the real world, how can i not deserve a drink at the end of the day, how can i be sociable without a drink or 100, how can i function? Well now i function just damn fine.

Do i miss anything about al? Absolutely not. Do i miss al? Absolutely. And that is the difference!

When i first started i thought the mwo'ers with days up their sleeve did not know what i was going through, had no idea the withdrawals, what i felt, the anguish of not being able to drink, the mood swings, the anxiety levels, the boredom, that they were just saying stuff to make me feel better. Why say moderation is a "no go" zone. They are weak, that is what they are! Everyone on here with days up and that is any days are strong. You have to pull strength out of your entire being to not drink and some more but it is possible.

I have one plan with alcohol and that is not to drink it, not to contemplate drinking it and to be strong enough to say no. Everyday is different now and it is better yes but i am still in early recovery and i have a long way to go. I may falter, I dont want to, but i will give it every ounce of my being daily to not drink.

I could give myself every excuse to buy a bottle or wine or have a drink but that choice is not one that i will allow myself.

I apologise if i have offended anyone but honesty is what its about with giving up al and if we are honest with ourselves then anything is achievable.

Day 90 here i come!

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Thank you Mein and Available. Both of your comments helped me. As angry as I am I even thought "there's one more beer in the fridge"...thought I might drink it cause 'tomr is hopefully no more' (I guess to treat myself), but I think I decided to leave it there as a testament of what I'm trying to do. I'm going to throw a log on the fire, fix me a rasberry tea and get me a yogurt.

I KNOW this is going to be hard for me..and no promises, but I have to start somewhere other than tapering..cause that's not working...it's only prolonging. Please pray for me. I'll probably be spouting off quite a bit in the next 24 hours or so if I go AF. I JUST WANT TODAY AF!!! As Byrdie says...one day at a time!

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

and Available- congrats on your 90 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is wonderful!

[available]

Newbies Nest

I left 1/2 a bottle of wine in the fridge for weeks and kept looking at it and imaging what it would do for me. absolutely bloody nothing, it was not enough and it was my daughters. Took her 3 weeks to take that bloody bottle but i did not drink it and now al can sit in the fridge for as long as it wants as i dont want to drink it.

There is no "hopefully" in giving up al or "think" in stopping drinking. Its either all or nothing and it is damn hard and its hard keeping sober but we never achieved anything in life that was easy! I never thought i could stop drinking and my 4 children never thought i could stop and to see the look in their eyes that their mum is sober and knowing that it has not been easy keeps me going every single day. If i feel like a wine i will text one of them and say "get me a bottle of wine" and they say "sure mum", fully knowing that they wont but i need to say it sometimes. I'd love to be normal but i am not in drinking. A normal person does not drink daily, an alcoholic does.

90 days in 4 hours and thank you Sarah.

[Marylou123]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters,

Even after 36 days, my sleep patterns stink! It's not even 4 AM here and I am up! Albeit, I went to bed fairly early, 9 PM, but I typically have been waking up very early and would love to sleep more. Brydie, Lav, and others, does that ever change? I'm seeing my doc today for a 30-day check-in - so happy I can go and say I have not had a drop of alchohol since my last visit! I will ask about Ambien but I'm a bit nervous about taking it as I've seen pros and cons about it on the boards. (I had a sleepwalking problem 20 years ago - a long time I know but I understand that could be a side effect.)

Ava - happy day 89! I'm amazed at how quickly the days are a accumulating. You go girl!

Pav - congrats to you too. Your last post hit home for me. I used to make great dinners (I still do, but sober now) but I wouldn't remember what I made without checking the fridge for leftovers the next morning. And if there weren't leftovers, I'd check the trash for clues. Ugh. I also got to the point where I pretty much wouldn't say anything about anything for fear of the dreaded "we talked about that yesterday, don't you remember?" The one possible exception was the time I told my MIL that I would pick her up at the airport when she was coming to visit. Of course I didn't remember the conversation until she called saying she had been waiting for an hour. Oops - she ended up taking a cab. Shitty I know, but I still smile at the thought.

So glad to see the MWO boards lighting up - welcome to all the newcomers. I agree with Brydie and Ava about tapering - to me it's like a land mine field. You might be able to walk through safely with your map/plan. But, if that doesn't work, it could all blow up and be a big mess. Please be careful my tapering friends - I certainly support all who desire to cut back (and those who stop completely). I've seen, and read here, too many stories about the slippery slope that tapering offers. Isn't that how we all started? A drink or two becomes three or four and, for me at least, turned into a bottle of wine every day (or more) to reach my desired state of stupor. Good grief, how could that have ever been a goal?

Well, maybe the newspaper is here by now - maybe I should start delivering papers since I'm up so early - ha!

Have a great, sober day/night all.

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Dear Nester,

I can't believe it was just 5 days back I gave Upal. It sounds like ages ago. This obviously can be taken in two ways. "hey u have been sober for enough long... So it's enough" or "hey u r sober for only thing short time! And it will always be like that! "

I don't want topics Al. I wanted kick it out of my system. Its may not be possible to kick it out of my brain but but make sure the beast stays in control.

Available congrats on 90 days u deserve an Ice tea!! You inspire us all.

I have left Al for good am now working on my mind to leave for right reasons.

Take care

Day 5 going good.

[crockettaa]

Newbies Nest

jane27;1631825 wrote: Hi Nestmates,

I got my eyebrows threaded today and it hurt so peeping much. I would say waxing is pleasant in comparison. I have a sore throat and am climbing into bed early (930 pm). Just wanted to wish everyone a peaceful night. Love & strength to all.

I plucked my eyebrows so horribly as a teenager, I never have to deal with them anymore really.

I guess we thought that was a good look back then!

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

I'm into nose hairs myself

Congrats Available!!

[crockettaa]

Newbies Nest

Oh and by the way. Day 1.

Had 2 light beers after my "near death" treadmill experience yesterday. Thank God I didn't pick up any wine because I was definitely prowling around looking for "extras". At least not hungover today.

Anyway didn't want to cheat & get mooned without really earning it.

Rahul & Available, please can you send me some of your willpower? Thanks.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

available;1631891 wrote:
There is no "hopefully" in giving up al or "think" in stopping drinking. Its either all or nothing and it is damn hard and its hard keeping sober but we never achieved anything in life that was easy! I never thought i could stop drinking and my 4 children never thought i could stop and to see the look in their eyes that their mum is sober and knowing that it has not been easy keeps me going every single day. If i feel like a wine i will text one of them and say "get me a bottle of wine" and they say "sure mum", fully knowing that they wont but i need to say it sometimes. I'd love to be normal but i am not in drinking. A normal person does not drink daily, an alcoholic does. .
crockettaa;1631920 wrote: Rahul & Available, please can you send me some of your willpower? Thanks.

Ava, I only clipped one of your posts but everything you wrote in the last few hours was so on target - your 90 days (~15 min from right now) have so been hard-earned. What you have done has been amazing and inspiring to witness. Sometimes it looks like people with success have great will-power but I really don't think that is it. Will-power will get you a day or two. Ava, and others who are doing this, has changed her brain - how she views AL and how she views herself. It takes planning, and effort, and vigilance. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable sometimes. You might have to give up some friends and activities temporarily - or even permanently. But just about anyone who has done it will tell you it is worth everything that it costs.

Congratulations on your 90 days, Ava, and on having the strength to begin day 1, Crockettaa. We can be celebrating your 90 days at the end of a May and you can have the best summer ever !

[Mein Sonnenschein]

Newbies Nest

I really love the posts in the Nest today. It has taken me over a year to realize that if you think about AL, dream about AL, drink alone, hide drinking, look forward to a "buzz"... then moderation will NOT work. I can't remember who said it earlier, but moderation actually makes me want to drink MORE. It's just the truth. But I understand it takes us each our own time to figure that out... like I said, it took me over a year LOL.