Newbies Nest

[lead366]

Newbies Nest

jane27;1637788 wrote: If I don't go I don't drink. That's a sure thing.
Its unfortunate, but its a well known story by another name called 'You reap what you sow."

Thanks also, Gracie, xo

Well then?...DONT GO!....In this very delicate early time...I think its most important that you only think about YOU and your sobriety....once you get a good chunk of time in...your lens will change as to how you see everything....you will be much stronger emotionally. Build up some steam first. My two cents only.

[DreamThinkDo]

Newbies Nest

The power of the collective wisdom in the Nest - glad you have some clarity, Jane thweetheart! Just keep that lost year in mind whenever Al comes knocking.

I feel so blessed today - flowers, my very own mug and Byrdie's flying underpants. Thanks Nesters - this is better than Christmas and a birthday rolled into one!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Jane, I couldn't get in for a couple hours, too, so I don't think you broke it!

Some time ago, Kuya had a great post about how we all try to be SuperGirl. We try to be all things to all people, and the truth is, we shouldn't have to own all that. We can do what we can do and no more. Priority one is Jane and your Quit! Right now you are securing YOUR oxygen mask before assisting others. Once all that is worked out, then other things can be tackled.

Tell him your cape is at the cleaners!!! :H

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Jane, I did a search and found the post, dated 1/6/13 by Kuya:

BE HUMAN, BE IMPERFECTAND GET SOBER


I was not raised by my birth parents but my foster father drank more than we could afford. Alcoholic, no, heavy drinker, yes. He was always critical of my foster mother and I. We were never good enough and his disappointment in us was crushing. So I grew up to be a perfectionist, but I was never good enough for me. Constantly anxious that things weren't done well enough, that I would be found out as not good enough, a fraud.

I was living a miserable, anxious existence, highly successful to the outside world, but depressingly stressful. Then life compounded my stress with an extremely violent boyfriend and I drank to numb the fear and my 'perfect' world fell around my ears so I drank some more. And he left me with a child to raise so I drank some more because I was so furious that THIS should happen to ME who had been so PERFECT! So I sulked and drank, and sulked and drank and 23 years slipped away and I realised that I was going to die sulking and drinking and the world would just move on. I would be remembered, not as perfect and successful, but as a sad old drunk......and then a miracle happened........

I REALISED THAT NO ONE WAS GOING TO RESCUE ME, SO I GREW THE FUCK UP!

Last year I stopped for the first time, for 9 weeks and it was easy, easy despite the fact I had been brainwashed into thinking it was hard. I wasn't prepared for 'forever' cos I didn't think I could stop. This time it was harder to start cos I KNEW it was forever, and 4 months in I will say it gets easier by the day.

Even in my sobriety I have learnt to drop the perfectionist. I was told exercise helped, but I was tired for months so I sat on my butt, ate and waited. Last week I got my energy back.... I have shed 5kg with no effort. I looked at the chaos booze had caused and let most of it be. I just cared for me, the house and the garden could and did wait. I take lots of supplements....some days I forgot.....oh well, I took them the next day.I know that eating well and healthily is important, but some nights I wanted a curry, and I had a curry.

In other words I protected my quit by NOT being perfect. Perfection had not made me happy before I drank or when I drank so I wasn't going to try and be perfect in recovery.

It has taken 23 years to surface and strangely I can thank that violent damaged man for forcing me to see myself as merely human, imperfect but good enough. I am now an authentic human 'being' NOT a human 'doing'.

I do my work well, but sometimes not as well as I might. My home is clean enough to be comfortable and welcoming ( there are some dust bunnies....they can wait a day or two). Really should pluck my eyebrows......later ( if I have nothing more interesting to do).
I feel like a swim.....yep gonna go for a swim soon with my daughter, turn on some music and have a laugh. Should sit and pay some bills.......naw, going for a swim

Today I am perfectly imperfect....... I have achieved the first line of my signature.

I AM HAPPY

__________________
GET HAPPY OR DIE TRYING AF SEPT 1ST 2012

[Petrelhead]

Newbies Nest

Wow, that was a busy and intense session Jane . We'll done. A lesson for everyone.
And I slept through the entire thing.:goodjob:

Start of day 20 here. The AF life is a routine one day to the next at the moment. I'm becoming more focused on preparing dinner each night, and making sure my kids like my cooking. I'm definitely at high risk of becoming boring, and I'm loving it. I'm not as worried about others expectations of me, as I am about me. A happy me comes first. And that includes happy kids, a happy work life and lots more dreams than I had when I drank.

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters,

Day 20 ended ... Sober and safe ...I went out for dinner with suppliers who came from Germany all exited and expecting we will have drinking session with good beers in evening before they take their late night flight To Germany drunk and after having fun.

Well I proudly disappointed them as I didn't drink ... Nor did feel like drinking.... But I made sure they have enough and they "enjoyed". Great part was I was not missing beer, nor was I feeling miserable. But did see how miserable they all became after several rounds of beers ...

AS i look back past 20 days I have been to 13 nights out for dinner where I would normally drink heavily and rest 7 days I would have drank alone. And here I was sole sober in a company of 7 all drinking beers. Normally I would have avoided this for being having the danger of being tempted and falling to the trap again but they were important suppliers so could not escape. But then I have been drinking alone for so long that how can I escape from myself !! What surprised me They didn't ask me once "hey should have a drink" .. Or any those lectures ... They Simply stared my diet coke glass and probably must have been feeling , " how can he control " .. I however felt opposite ... Pity ... Pity for them ....

As I now look back to the dinner Was I feeling left out no, but I do realise I was a dangerous place. But such is my life I cannot avoid situations. Especially the situations when bunch of people set on a table for 2 hours drinking ... Sitting and talking ... Drinking.

Please understand I am not trying to portray - I am so strong or have "solved" my AL issue. Nor am I trying to glorify myself. But simply suggesting how my attempt to change my view about AL and genuinely reasoning with myself that AL is not good is helping me. Maybe I am jumping the gun and playing with fire. But then that life, which I am relearning to live.

Regarding my morning post :

Jane I don't want to go back 10 years. I just wonder with regret how much time I have wasted on AL in past 10 years. Rough calculation 4 hours a day I have spent 1.6 years (about 600 days) out of last 10 years drinking !!! In 1.6 years of time I could have done so many things ... My marriage could have been much better, could have made good friends, or could have done some social work, worked out!

Luvinspoonful : why is it harder to make real friends as we grow older. Is it that people stop caring and sharing or simply immune ? But then someone like I never have close friends, when ever I got close to some one somehow they left me or situations become such that distances grew ... It has happened to more on more than 8 to 10 occasions in my life with cousins, friends and girl friends. Now same seems to be happening with my wife.

Lead as I relearn to live my life one thing do worries me. Before I started drinking about 10 years back I was quite depressed with life for about an year due to various reasons. But then in next few years got over my depression. Now with these mood swings and facing life with out AL there is a part of me which worries was it AL which kept my head in palace ..., a very scary thought which I don't want to believe. But I do recall I was quite depressed in during my teens had serious self esteem issues. These mood swings scares me and remind me of the same person I was about 10 to 15 years back. And that scares me.

dreamy what a wonderful post ! Such honesty you should be really proud. You also inspire me . I so can relate with the shivers of never drinking again. I remember when I first stopped for few feel I never accepted that. Now a days on my second attempt it has winked in. I too aim at following your footsteps to long term sobriety. I sincerely believe only giving up 100% is the only way to go. There is no shortcuts or vacations fro sobriety.

Good night folks ... Or have a nice day where ever you are.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Jane just a quick post for you. Dont go and dont drink. I have not had any contact with my father for twenty years. i went through the what if he died,blah blah blah and now well if he dies he dies, he has not contributed to my life in anyway in that time. Sure i will be sad, sad that we did not have a good relationship but i cant keep blaming myself. I am damn sure he does not sit and think of me constantly and figure how to contact me, how to reach out as if he wanted to he would have. I have a step mother from hell also that broke this family up, she means nothing to me, if i met her anything she said would be of no importance. I would never be rude but she destroyed what was good and she deserves nothing from me. Why are you scared to meet your father that you 99% know that you would drink? Childhood issues with him? You are not a child anymore but sometimes it does not feel like it does it? You are a strong gorgeous woman who deserves to be treated with respect and acknowledged for your strength and determination in not drinking by him especially. If he can not support you in that decision then definitely do not go. Can you tell him you will meet only if he does not pressure you to drink and if he does not respect that then you will not meet him? I always think now if my father contacted me, would i let him into my life and the answer is no, i would not. i have quite happily done 20 years without him and can do 20 more without him in my life. My mother is enough hard work without another to cope with. Footnote: I am going on hols to thailand in 2 weeks with my mother (dragon lady) and i have not told her i am not drinking and i have thought long and hard over this. If i tell her beforehand she will put a negative in like "oh how long will this last, like you giving up smoking" and then all the thoughts will start of how i am a failure, i cant achieve anything, i cant please her or make her proud blah blah blah and then the thoughts will start in full swing. This time i am going to tell her when al is offered and see what her reaction is but she will not make me drink AT her. I would love her to be proud of me, i dont know if she will or not, i hope she is, she is my mother after all and i love her but she will not take away what i have achieved thus far ever! I have been through every scenario possible as i have been to thailand before and my head is in the right place. Mind you she could take 2.5seconds to get it in the wrong place but i have plans in place to go for a walk, go on here, headphones, earplugs, gym, shopping, reading, knitting. She cant believe i have started knitting again so god knows what she will think when i tell her i have not drank for 100+ days lol. You will be fine Jane, more than fine, as you are more than fine now but remember we are still in early recovery.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

This HAS been a great session on the couch this afternoon!

My mom is long gone, but I think it boils down to a control issue. THEY must be (or think they are) in control. My mother controlled the situation SOMEHOW, either by pitching a fit or showing disdain or whatever....everything was controlled by HER in some way. She wasn't happy until everyone else was miserable. (she was really good at it, too)

Ugg, what we all grew up with....(head shaking).

I no longer drink AT her, or anyone else. I don't drink. Period. B

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

Wow I see that I am in good company here....dysfunctional family and all..I didn't know until a few years ago that all my dads siblings died of alcohol/drug related things....and I am sure my mothers family had issues too...and so much more...but I will NOT drink AT them any longer..

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

Wow I see that I am in good company here....dysfunctional family and all..I didn't know until a few years ago that all my dads siblings died of alcohol/drug related things....and I am sure my mothers family had issues too...and so much more...but I will NOT drink AT them any longer..

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

In still here and day 14!
A lot of stress going on, and I'm going to see my mom tomorrow with my other brother. This is my brother that passed birthday week-end so we want to be together.
Life, what post are you referring to? Was I asking about a post? I don't remember that! (And I am two weeks sober! Did I have a sober black out? Lol
I hope everyone is doing well. Glad to be here and grateful for day 14. Antabuse taken and there's no going back to that life again.

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

In still here and day 14!
A lot of stress going on, and I'm going to see my mom tomorrow with my other brother. This is my brother that passed birthday week-end so we want to be together.
Life, what post are you referring to? Was I asking about a post? I don't remember that! (And I am two weeks sober! Did I have a sober black out? Lol
I hope everyone is doing well. Glad to be here and grateful for day 14. Antabuse taken and there's no going back to that life again.

[Nursie]

Newbies Nest

Darn these double posts! Sorry!

[Marylou123]

Newbies Nest

EAM All,

Wow...I was gone for about eight hours today and a lot happened in the nest. Jane -- thank you -- I bet a lot of us benefited greatly from the issue you shared and worked through on MWO today. I think you made an excellent decision.

Seems like a lot of us have family issues to deal with. This coming Thursday DH and I leave for Texas for my stepdaughters wedding. All the extended ILs I haven't seen since I quit drinking (and my DH and I separated and reunited!) will be there. But...being AF for >50 days now, and exercising most of those, I have lost 6 lbs and yesterday I had my hair colored -- dark red. (From 50+ years of blonde!) My MIL will think her son is cheating when she first sees me at the airport. Hee Hee.

Friday nights still pose a challenge for me so I'll concoct a nice mock-tail, tuck myself on the couch, and read a bit. (Currently reading The Invention of Wings.)

Have a great EAM all.

[lead366]

Newbies Nest

Nursie;1637951 wrote: Darn these double posts! Sorry!

OK sure--I'll be happy to do that for you..........."Double posts?..... I hereby darn thee!" lol