Newbies Nest

[New Dreams]

Newbies Nest

Lavande;1640179 wrote: Good morning Nesters

Just to be clear -
Nest belts were installed here years ago to keep newbies from falling out & hurting themselves. Eventually the butt Velcro came along as an extra layer of protection. Sometimes it's a bumpy ride

Lav

Thanks for the clarification Lav...figured it was something like that! :H

[frances]

Newbies Nest

Good morning all! Nice spring day in store here and for a couple more days until another threat of snow on Tuesday :upset:

So far I've been continuing to read a lot - someone posted a link to a blog called 'unpickled' that I've been reading and really enjoying and relating to. It's made me wonder about that author and whether she ever had previous failed attempts at moderation. I have on multiple occasions, and yet here I am, still not finding myself able or ready to say THIS IS IT. NEVER AGAIN. I am happy to be AF - I don't understand why that is so hard for me. I haven't ruled it out, but I just can't say it yet. I'm worried that this means I will go back to my old ways again at some point. When does someone finally come to the conclusion that they will not, and can not, drink again?

[available]

Newbies Nest

Frances i think we just have to surrender to realising we cant drink anymore. It took me a few attempts to realise that i can never drink again. I am an alcoholic. Alcoholics cant pick up that drink. I would love to be a normal drinker, i have tried many times to be a normal drinker but end up hiding al, lying, blacking out. That is not normal drinking, that is an alcoholic. I can wish all i like to drink but i know it can never be so therefore i dont drink. So to me, surrendering to the realisation is what i had to do, i cannot drink and i will not drink. Its hard, its a battle but i choose to win. Al took so much from me and i will not let it take anything else in my life.

[TJAF]

Newbies Nest

available;1640195 wrote: Frances i think we just have to surrender to realising we cant drink anymore. It took me a few attempts to realise that i can never drink again. I am an alcoholic. Alcoholics cant pick up that drink. I would love to be a normal drinker, i have tried many times to be a normal drinker but end up hiding al, lying, blacking out. That is not normal drinking, that is an alcoholic. I can wish all i like to drink but i know it can never be so therefore i dont drink. So to me, surrendering to the realisation is what i had to do, i cannot drink and i will not drink. Its hard, its a battle but i choose to win. Al took so much from me and i will not let it take anything else in my life.

As unwelcome as the message may be to some I too believe that I just cant drink again. Like Available over a 35 year drinking history I believed that I could moderate and tried and tried and tried. Again like Available the pattern was the same. One drink lead to another and after the black outs, the constant hiding and the lying I figured out that I'd give abstinence a try.

Over the course of that time the damage from all that booze slowly accumulated. Its almost unperceptible at first but by the time I quit you could see it in my body type and blood work. The most visceral of these symptoms was my liver function test. When I quit those numbers were lousy. I excused the results away as genetic. I told myself that maybe alcohol had a little to do with it but my weight was the biggest factor. 7 months later and AF and my weight hasn't changed but for the first time in nearly 30 years my liver function is normal.

So all I can say to the young folks here is beware. Life blows by fast enough, letting 20 years go by in a drunken blur isn't anyway to live. Moderation and alcoholism are against the laws of physics. It just doesn't work.

[summering]

Newbies Nest

It's the weekend again and I have my plan in place .

I also use to juice , gonna start again .

Also I really enjoy tea , so I'm gonna start buying different blends and steeping my own tea . Instead of going to pick out a bottle of AL ...I'll pick out a different tea on the weekend .

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

So this is just a wondering aloud process:

This has me to wondering and realizing, it seems inconceivable that I would ever be a "normal" drinker, and having never been one I can't put my head around what is normal. So now I see that what is normal for one is not normal for the other. My illogical logic sees that my consumption was normal for me but not normal for someone else. So I'm not abnormal in my drinking for myself, my drinking is to get drunk. For me that's normal. BUT what it is: IT IS UNHEALTHY WAY OF LIVING, physically and spiritually.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nesters!
Frances, this topic of 'Can we, as MWO'ers, ever moderate' has been raging on for as long as I've been here, 4+ years. After all, the site was FOUNDED on that principle, right? Well, time reveals a lot of things. Remember, even on this site, moderation is allegedly done thru the use of those high powered drugs (along with all of their major side effects). So fascinating this topic, that I have followed it thru these years, and kept up with folks trying the moderation route. It's almost been a scientific experiment for me. I actually tried it myself. Not being satisfied with that, I followed others. I do not see, nor have I ever seen one actual case of SUCCESSFUL LONG TERM MODERATION according TO THE STANDARDS of 14 units per week for a man, and 7 units for a woman. Never. Not one. Ever. However, if you get this idea in your head and start reading around, you think, DAM, others are doing it, why can't I? I am really missing out and getting the short end of the stick. Follow these people. Look back at their history. I followed one for a long while before she just faded away, but she began every post with..."I'm really happy with my moderation plan this week" "I was planning to go AF all week, but I drank Mon, Tues and Wed. I'm not going to beat myself up". I didn't over do it, altho each night I had 3 drinks and a shot" Now if you look at that sentence in English, it says, 'I am not following the guidelines of moderation at all.' 'I cannot control what I drink, when I start I almost always have more than I plan' (which is none). You must learn to actually read the words and NOT read what your ALKIE brain wants to hear. You can take this to the bank, if I could successfully moderate (7 units per week) long term (2 years or more), I'd be shouting it off the rooftops. I would not go quietly moderating into the sunset to lead a carefree life, I'd be writing a book or making a movie (with Robert Redford) about it. So not only do I say moderating is not possible for us, but I go one step further to say, even with the drugs it isn't possible. Please don't take my word, do your own research, ALL of the info you need is right here....7 years' worth. People who are successfully moderating don't just disappear for weeks and months at a time for no reason...it's like the rest of us, when we are doing well, we post, when we aren't...we don't.

I knew I would never be able to drink again when I found myself in a hotel room with 2 1/2 liter bottles of wine, one white and one red. I thought, WHO WOULD KNOW? But then reality slapped me a good one. This amount wouldn't be enough to do the job. That's when I knew in my heart in my heart of hearts I had to let it go. I finally had to let that fantasy go and accept that I can not drink again. I ran across a great post from KTAB, I have kept it and referred to it many times. It's called Letting go.

Letting Go....

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

Take care,
Johnny

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

MAE all,
Off to the gym shortly. Of course I haven't lost 20 pounds yet....what a let down..;-))
summer I love tea and have a cabinet with lots to choose from. Found a store that sells all kinds of tea and bought myself an infuser so I can use loose leaf tea of all kinds. It is kind of fun and a different Friday night adventure instead of wine.
Byrdie that is a good post and I too know I cant moderate or I wouldn't have had to come here in the first place. I tried and tried to be a normal drinker but I am NOT...so why torture myself with those thoughts. I am what I am....

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Morning! Still here and strong but kicking ass and taking names. Craving, you're on that list, but Anxiety, you're at the top. Thanks for all the support last night. Waiting for a client but will text more later. Gonna have to put some time into a weekend plan. Hugs.

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Kensho - YES it does get easier, just give it time. Remember you didn't get to this point overnight, so obviously it's not just going to go away immediately. You will soon realize how much hard work drinking was! When I think back to all the planning, scheming, hiding, lying, covering up, recovering and then doing damage control the next day....whew...it tires me out. It's so much nicer to just go to bed at night and wake up knowing I didn't do anything (too) stupid the night before! And even if I did, I remember doing it! I knew it was time to quit when drinking became harder than not drinking.

Hang in there everyone and take the advice of the pro's: Byrdie, Lav, NS and many others who not only talk the talk, they walk the walk! They are living proof that it CAN be done, and happily!

Velcro, superglue, staple or duct tape your butts into the Nest!

Remember that a craving never lasts as long as a hangover, and you'll never wake up in the morning wishing you'd drank the night before.

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

Byrdy , Your post was one of the best I've ever read . Thankyou . I'm on day 7 here and its Saturday morning , I'm helping a friend move his yacht to a new berth this afternoon , it'll be a lovely sunny afternoon and I know the cold beers will come out when we're done and sitting back enjoying the surroundings . I'd already prepared my excuses , but I know when the time came , i'd be thinking jeesh " One won't hurt will it ?" BND .

[roxane]

Newbies Nest

One won't be enough though will it?

Sorry to hear what you're going through Jane :l

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

bran new day;1640287 wrote: i'd be thinking jeesh " One won't hurt will it ?" BND .

The short answer to this question is: YES.

One will definitely hurt, and the 10 that follow will hurt even more. Remember everything Byrdie said. If moderation worked for people like us, this website wouldn't exist. The people I know that moderate don't even know they are moderating. They just don't drink too much and they don't give it a second thought.

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Well, so much for the long post I drafted and lost. Don't feel like re-creating it. It was too long anyway. Jist is that now that I know to expect the anxiety, I'm taking off early today, and making a genral priority, to exericse. Had some normal client interaction today which was nice. I learned that I lived to see the morning even when it got tough. So bring it on - I'm here for the long haul. I do have a Friday night and weekeng plan, which involves telling hubby and kids that this MAMA doesn't drink grown up drinks, so our typical margarita Fridays will have to be fine tuned. I have things to focus on, and plan to stay very busy. This is my first weekend, and first conversation with husband, so the weekend promises to hold many fun little adventures! Thanks to the nest, the nesters and to very strong seat belts. I prefer them to velcro - but I might be needing both Hugs.

ADD: Brilliant comments by Roxanne and K9 about moderators not knowing they are moderating. I would never leave a drop in the glass and one is not even a consideration. Can't remember the last time I had "just one". Just one bender, maybe, but not just one drink.

[frances]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Byrdie, that really helped. Acceptance. That's it. I totally see that. Now...to get there!

Good luck Kensho this weekend!