Newbies Nest

[paulywogg]

Newbies Nest

Star,i understand exactly how you feel right now,i keep starting/stopping,breaking promises to myself,letting my family down,but we have to find that strength inside of us to quit and STAY quit! it is hard work but only we can do it,the past is the past,let's let it go and quit repeating the past focus on the now and future,you can do this:

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Thanks, Pauly. I really hate myself right now.

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Aww Star :l I don't like that you're hating yourself. I know it takes a while to learn to love yourself, but that's what keeps me sober. I deserve better...and so do YOU! We all do! I am hoping that in a couple of days you will feel better mentally. I know the "day after" is a horrible one. Did anything irreversible or permanently damaging happen last night? If it's the normal guilt and anxiety that comes from drinking, that will subside after a few alcohol-free days. Give it a chance at least :h

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

One of my dtrs saw my state and isn't speaking to me AGAIN. I really don't even remember what happened, but I remember falling and not being able to get up. I don't even know how much I drank, but I didn't eat anything yesterday and I think that had something to do with it too. The dtr that saw me has always been the one to get the angriest over my drinking and has barely spoken to me at all for years. She had softened some over the past year, but I am sure this has set us back to square one. She is the one getting married in a few weeks. I hate that I hurt her. As far as I know, no one else was around to see what happened. My husband didn't mention it and he surely would have, if he knew.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Jane, I knew I shoulda let the others go first before I wrote my response!!:H
It always takes me longer to get somewhere mentally, I ruminate over things, so I noticed as I was going along that others were 'getting there' before I was. Sometimes a girl just has to fake it til she makes it! Thank you for the kind words. Your friendship means the world to me!

Star, I am so sympathetic to where you are. This thing is a b*tch. I do know that you ARE capable of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting down to business. Have you taken the measures needed for success? Is the house 'Star Proof?' Are you ready to start your new life and put all these horrible thoughts and feelings in the rear view mirror? We are right beside you....remember these words: All you gotta do, is get thru THIS day. I know you can do it. Shall we? xxxoo, Byrdie

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Thanks, Byrdie :l
I honestly do not ever want to touch another drop of alcohol in my life. I HATE it and I hate what it has done to my family. There is no al in my house and I will not stop on the way home to get any. I just ate some lunch and feel a little better. I am sticking close to the nest. I dread the treatment I will be receiving from my dtr (and hubs if she tells him about it), but there is nothing I can do about it. I've been through it a lot and I feel I deserve it. They just don't understand that I wouldn't hurt them for anything. It's the disease. Guess it doesn't matter, it hurts them anyway. Thanks so much for all the support you have given me over the years. I love you!

And Jane :l I will be happy to hold hands with you, but just a warning, my hands are pretty shaky today!

Love you all!

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters, today I was longing for a drink ... In evening I don't know why maybe I was feeling bored but ate and there goes the temptation. A solid reminder that the beast is still there inside me.
It's now 40 days since I have been AL free. My previous record was 44 days ... Don't just intend to break it but keep it that ways ...

[New Dreams]

Newbies Nest

NoSugar;1644880 wrote: Hi, ND

Until you're really, really secure in your AFhood, keeping AL out of the house is such a good thing to do. Congratulations on pouring the rest down. Didn't the smell just turn your stomach? I had to pour out the rest of someone else's bottle of wine the other morning and the feelings that rushed back when I smelled that smell were almost overwhelming. It was such a good reminder of where I never want to be again.

Do you know what happened last evening and what you need to adjust in your plan to avoid it happening again? If you need help refining your plan, put it out here - I'm sure you'll get plenty of suggestions to choose from .

This can be your last day 1. Margaret has a really great quote in her tagline --something like "A year from now you'll really be wishing you had started today".

To get this done, we've got to be long-range thinkers. The quick, easy, tried-and-true fix for everything can no longer be an option.

:h NS

Not sure why ...I just had an overwhelming desire and gave in to it ....haven't had any in the house since March 1st when we quit...I actually got in the car yesterday and drove to the liquor store. Usually I have been able to wait it out...yesterday I caved. This morning I knew I didn't want anymore & dumped the rest down the drain.

[Bastet]

Newbies Nest

Hey Starfish, your post reminds me so much of my situation. Last thanksgiving I decided to have a few before I went to my youngest daughters (23) apartment. We were being joined by eldest d (29) and her husband. Well guess I didn't hide it too well and I got the talk a few days later. How much I had hurt them over years, how embarrassing I am, how much they don't like me when I drink and the clincher of all they refused to spend Christmas with me unless I DID something. It was a horrible afternoon sitting there listening to them with tears running down my face. So I found MWO, I attended some smart recovery meetings and I let the girls know I was really trying. They sent me a bouquet on day 7 thanking me and saying how proud of me they were. We all had a great Christmas together, in fact they said it was the best one in recent memory. My youngest has always been the hardest on me I think because my drinking got worse when she was the last one home. She just texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to an exercise class and lunch with her on Sunday.
I think our children get scared when they see mom out of control. Even if they are all grown up they need to know that if everything falls apart for them we will be there to help out. At times it feels like a lot of pressure to me because I never had that myself, my dad left when I was 8 and my mom died when I was 22, but I wish I had. I bet that if your dd sees that you are really and truly trying she will be proud of you and you will be able to mend your relationship with her. I know you can do this because our families are the most important thing there is.

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Thanks, Bastet. This particular dtr just stopped talking to me at about the age of 16. She was so sick of my drinking. She is 24 now and has held the grudge for years. Even though, I had a three year period of sobriety during that time and some other periods of months at a time. She just won't let it go! I know she is extra stressed right now because of the upcoming wedding. I expect the worse from her. Sad to say, but its just the way she has been all these years. I know I have let her down again. I wish they could understand its an illness and not intentional, but no one really understands unless you are one of us. Thanks for sharing your story. I dread this evening! Nothing I can do but get through it though. SOBER!

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello nesters,

Can't sleep. Thinking a bit too much ... About life. Its strange that in those drinking days the last thing I used to do was instrospect and see what am I doing where I am what is life.

Recently in Dubai met and old friend who is doing well and from him came to know about a classmate who lost her husband. The husband waz in coma for 4 years and was apparently a celebrity. I did googled and saw her pictures. Seeing her pictures with tears it makes me wonder how badly life has treater her. He has been caring for her husband for 4 years and he died. I remember we used to give presentations in our class. Who would have imagined that she a brilliant student, married to a celebrity will face such a tragedy in life. It is so sad.

Thinking back of these college days, I used to love a girl and while things didn't work out for us she got married and moved to NYC, two years got divored and just recently got remarried. How hard has life been to her.

Then I see so many people who has been so succesful in their lifes but r they happy ?

Then here am I ... A recovering alcoholic. Whose daily thoughts just few days back were ... How and where I would be drinking. Followed by guilt, hangover. Last several years just flew ... Just like that. I see my kids, I have missed their upbringing. I have missed and wasted my youth on alcohol rather being close to my wife. Still what ever regreats it cannot match the pain and suffering of this classmate who lost her husband.

Seeing her I should feel so lucky. Grateful. But then I have been so utterly irresponsible and still am ... It makes me wonder what life has it for me ... Who will my kids see me after couple of years. Will my marriage blossom from the current sorry state it is. Will I be able to give up all my bad habits including AL and bring about a long term permant change. Will I look back after couple of years this time when I was fighting to stay sober ?

I remember I used to think and introspect a lot but then last several years with AL it was as if I stopped thinking. I became obsessed with work and alcohol. No time for life no time to think. Now here I am with so much time and a brain which is awake and looking around, observing things, dwelling in past , present and future.

Can I always be grateful for gift of life being sover, grateful to be here writing to all you folks. Will I permanent ly embrace a sober life and always thank forever being here ... Only time will tell

For only God knows what is in store for me just like he had such a tragedy in store for this fried who lost her husband at a young age of late 30s.

I am also seeing now a days a documentary on cold war. Being. History buff I have seen several maybe all documentaries on world war 2. This is the one where I am seeing the one which is After war war 2. Such much happened even after world war 2. Countless lives were lost in so many struggles in Korea, vietnam etc. Its hard to imagine mighty Europe was struggling for a daily meal.

Without AL life seems boring. Notmuch to look forward to, but when I see struggle of others in past or present or of any scale (war or plight of my friend), it still does not make me Fully grateful for what I have.

Maybe I am too tired, too sober and too sleepy. Thanks God in this state I long for satisfaction and mental peace and NOT a drink ... Atleast I am grateful for that that ...

[Icanwithoutacan]

Newbies Nest

Hi I just want to clear up that I was RE-POSTING a post by Not Happy Hour Happy Life which she wrote to Tayahi.... I don't want to take credit for her beautiful words. I thought it was an eloquent post... Check it out, but I didn't write it.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Bastet, i stopped drinking for my children also and we are closer now than ever before. Like yours i am there rock and the rock was being worn away by al. Today my children could not be prouder of me, nor i of them for sticking by me and supporting me. They dont really understand how hard it was but i have never waivered being af due to them.

Star, dont beat yourself up. I felt like you, hated myself, ashamed, sick in mind and body and you know what? the only person that can change those feelings is YOU. I decided to change, thinking i could not do it, i had not done it before but you know what I took it one day at a time. I refused to give into that voice of al telling me i deserved a drink, i needed a drink. I related that voice to a toddler wanting a lolly or chocolate. I never gave into my toddlers demands so i was not giving into al's demands either. Yes its hard, farking hard but its possible to do and i never want a day one again. Prove to yourself you can do this, the benefits are worth the pain at the beginning. I am on 100+ days now and in thailand enjoying a totally af holiday, my first af holiday ever. Did i think it was possible no, am i doing it, yes. Do i feel proud, yes. I did not feel any of those things 4 months ago, i was lost, alone, sad, angry, sick in myself. Post on here like a lunatic, i was lunatic linda for weeks. Keep mwo open 24/7. tell it as it is, how you feel, how angry you are, how sad you are, how good you are. Al is like losing your best friend but at the end of the day he is your worst enemy. You can do this, be positive and it will all fall into place. Big hugs.

So enjoying this holiday. Off to phuket today, sun is shining, wallet is getting emptier but thats ok. nearly time to lay by the pool, drink mocktails and perv!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Rahulthesweet;1645090 wrote: Hello nesters,

Can't sleep. Thinking a bit too much ... About life. Its strange that in those drinking days the last thing I used to do was instrospect and see what am I doing where I am what is life.

Recently in Dubai met and old friend who is doing well and from him came to know about a classmate who lost her husband. The husband waz in coma for 4 years and was apparently a celebrity. I did googled and saw her pictures. Seeing her pictures with tears it makes me wonder how badly life has treater her. He has been caring for her husband for 4 years and he died. I remember we used to give presentations in our class. Who would have imagined that she a brilliant student, married to a celebrity will face such a tragedy in life. It is so sad.

Thinking back of these college days, I used to love a girl and while things didn't work out for us she got married and moved to NYC, two years got divored and just recently got remarried. How hard has life been to her.

Then I see so many people who has been so succesful in their lifes but r they happy ?

Then here am I ... A recovering alcoholic. Whose daily thoughts just few days back were ... How and where I would be drinking. Followed by guilt, hangover. Last several years just flew ... Just like that. I see my kids, I have missed their upbringing. I have missed and wasted my youth on alcohol rather being close to my wife. Still what ever regreats it cannot match the pain and suffering of this classmate who lost her husband.

Seeing her I should feel so lucky. Grateful. But then I have been so utterly irresponsible and still am ... It makes me wonder what life has it for me ... Who will my kids see me after couple of years. Will my marriage blossom from the current sorry state it is. Will I be able to give up all my bad habits including AL and bring about a long term permant change. Will I look back after couple of years this time when I was fighting to stay sober ?

I remember I used to think and introspect a lot but then last several years with AL it was as if I stopped thinking. I became obsessed with work and alcohol. No time for life no time to think. Now here I am with so much time and a brain which is awake and looking around, observing things, dwelling in past , present and future.

Can I always be grateful for gift of life being sover, grateful to be here writing to all you folks. Will I permanent ly embrace a sober life and always thank forever being here ... Only time will tell

For only God knows what is in store for me just like he had such a tragedy in store for this fried who lost her husband at a young age of late 30s.

I am also seeing now a days a documentary on cold war. Being. History buff I have seen several maybe all documentaries on world war 2. This is the one where I am seeing the one which is After war war 2. Such much happened even after world war 2. Countless lives were lost in so many struggles in Korea, vietnam etc. Its hard to imagine mighty Europe was struggling for a daily meal.

Without AL life seems boring. Notmuch to look forward to, but when I see struggle of others in past or present or of any scale (war or plight of my friend), it still does not make me Fully grateful for what I have.

Maybe I am too tired, too sober and too sleepy. Thanks God in this state I long for satisfaction and mental peace and NOT a drink ... Atleast I am grateful for that that ...

Rahul, it almost sounds like you have Surviver's Guilt! It is true, compared to so many people, our problems are minor. I think its like Lav says we have to be grateful for our gift of life. We must protect it and our quits with all we've got! There's just not another minute to waste on AL! I hope you are able to work thru all these thoughts. It is a whole new world to us now, working thru these thoughts instead of numbing over them. After you do, there will be a sense of peace for having done it. We all have issues to negotiate our way thru, we are growing up! Hugs dear man!

Ican, that post from HappyHour belongs in the Tool Box! It has stuck with me since you posted it. What a wonderfully written piece! Thanks for finding that and sharing it with us. Do you know the person who wrote it?

Star, thinking of you and wishing you strength tonight! Hang tight!!
Hugs all, Byrdie

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I see it's been a busy day in the nest

Welcome back Star!
Don't waste any more time self- loathing. Put all of your energy into getting yourself back on plan. Your daughter & family will notice, eventually. Until they do just keep moving forward

jane, I knew I had to do something about myself when my first grandson was born. I couldn't bear the thought of not being able to participate fully in his life. That was it for me
All of the previous warnings, situations & just plain bad times just didn't make a big enough of an impression on me - the new baby boy did!

Ava, send us a picture when you can!!!

I've just had a really nice two day visit with my daughter & granddaughter. I am one grateful granny, believe me :H

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav