Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters

The weather folks have promised us a nice day so I am going to take complete advantage & spend lots of time outside!

DD, please know that we are behind you 100% & will keep you in thoughts & prayers.
A good friend of mine went through the same procedure (double mastectomies) a few years ago & she did very well - she was amazing & you will be too :l

Wishing everyone a great AF Sunday!

Lav

[Dila]

Newbies Nest

NS - Thanks for kicking Sarah's butt but it could have been directed to me. You are so right.

Sarah - let's make today Day 1 for both of us and let's do this together. As much as I am hurting right now, drinking is not helping. We will be right behind ME.

DD - my neighbor went through the same surgery last year. She was so positive throughout the whole chemo phase and when it was time for surgery she would joke when we spoke that she was looking to have a new set that sits where they should. Best of luck. I know you will do great.

FF - Are you still out there? Hope you are still doing well. Miss you!

Day - 1

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Morning everyone, It's wonderful not waking up hung over.

Birdie & Pepper, My house used to be a doctor's office back in the 30's and 40's. Needless to say many people died here. I had an experience at 18 in the basement. I took off running never been done there since. Oh, and my father-in-law committed suicide in the garage. So there is a lot of energy here. It usually stays pretty quiet. If it doesn't I smudge the whole house with white mountain sage that quiets everything down. My husband who thought there was no such things is now a believer. LOL Actually he says "I don't believe in ghosts but I can't explain....." He believes.

DD, My best friend has a double mastectomy 2 years ago. I was there when she went into surgery and was there when she came out. She did really well. She did not have to have chemo and is cancer free and doing well. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Mind, how you figured out how to handle your party? It's early and the pressure will be on. I wish you strength if you have to go. Day 4

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Done with it, are you out there? How are you doing?

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

peppersnow;1666886 wrote: Juja - But the behavior of your ex isn't your responsibility to handle alone and you absolutely shouldn't try.

Pepper, you can't imagine how the highlighted part lifted me. You mean I don't have to fix everything???? The middle child who felt too much, and believed she needed to make everything right, and see that everyone was happy? There was a secondary gain, of course, in that I hoped I would be loved. Nope. You gave me permission to walk away, and to be vulnerable. Damn, you're good.:h I

DD, I, too, would like to know when your surgery is scheduled. Please don't keep us in the dark. We will send up all the prayers, pleas, and positive energy we can muster to keep you well.:l

Sarah, the fact that you took NS's advice so well shows you're a healthy person. What other positive traits do you have that you're not sharing?

Cherokeer, when I moved out of our house, I didn't take any of my wine glasses. None. Didn't stop me from using red Solo cups or juice glasses once I got here, but I'm done with that.

minderaser, can you bag the stag affair--be sick, have to work, anything until you get some days behind you? I'd find some reason. If you can't, one trick I learned here was to wear a bracelet, and twist that all evening to remind myself I don't drink. It helped.

Dila, glad you posted. You okay? Your post read like a "I'll satisfy these peeps without saying anything about me" post. Again, we're here. Don't suffer alone.:l

I'm missing someone, I know..... Hi Byrdie and Lav, 2 VIPs.

I received an email from my husband last night. It was very kind, and I was relieved. I had been anticipating our next communication to be a nasty one, as he normally gets vindictive when he's hurt. His therapy session on Friday must have been helpful. Progress perhaps.

As I go through my day, I will think about each of you. Last night I realized I needed to truly see each of you as friends, as part of my network, not just faceless people on the internet that I can walk away from. I did that in the past, therefore, I wasn't taking my quit, or my responsibilities as a human being, seriously. I am here.

Day 2, and feeling much better today--not so fragile.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Sarah,

I'm relieved you took what I wrote in the way I meant it. The fact that you've stayed here despite limited success so far makes me think that you truly do want to kick this beast out of your life so I guess, as Dila said, I kicked your butt. I'd rather give you a hand, though, so please let me know if there is any way I could help you.

NS

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

available;1666818 wrote:

Byrd, it is great to be at 6 months officially and without you and lav and Pav (i'm a poet) i know i would be still meandering along lost, alone and ashamed by pouring al down my throat and slowly killing myself. I seen Pav's massacre post just after i decided to be af (another half arsed attempt) and thought "hang on, i can do this journey with another" and we did and we have. Its funny but the competitive Linda came out (had not seen her for a decade or more) and i said to myself that this time i will not fail, if Pav can do it then so can i and thank god Pav's determination was as great as mine. Its never a chore to help newbies, i was one and giving up al was the hardest thing i think i have ever done and there is no repeat button to be pushed anymore, as at the end of the day i am done with drinking and it is so very worth it. I dont have any shame, guilt, anxiety, depression. I am content, which i never felt drinking. What pay? Do you get paid? I will settle for chocolate thanks or some nice fresh eggs from Lav.

Congrats, Ava, on your six months. This is such a great accomplishment. I love the competitive Linda. You've helped me so much on my AF journey, and any newbie in this nest will learn from you that they don't have to have shame, guilt, anxiety, and depression anymore. All that shit was lifted from me as well, and I never thought in a million years I would live my life without anxiety or depression. NEVER. But one day I woke up and it was gone. Sounds like BS, but it's not. So congrats to you Ava, and thank you for all you do for us in the nest. You're a gem.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Wow, a busy place, and it's all good!
Cherokeer....I am speechless. I don't want to sound like a nut-job, but I also believe in ghosts....seeing is believing. My grandmother's house was a who's who of haints. Doors opening and closing...hearing people running and laughing on the stairs and going in to see there was no one there. Things falling off shelves..... I wouldn't spend a night in that house for all the tea in China! I'm skeert!!! Hats off to you for being at the same address as these other goblins. :goodtime:

MindEraser.....this is strictly from an semi-objective point of view, but I'm in sales and when I have a customer who raises an objection, one technique to overcome it is to reduce it to the ridiculous. In the case of your stag party, let's take a look at it. You found, joined and are participating in a forum for AL abuse. You HAVE a problem with AL and if I might be so bold, if you are like the rest of us, you are an Alcoholic. Right now, you have a wonderful quit going. The emphasis at this party is drinking....the more, the better. So given the CHOICE, which you REALLY DO have, do you protect YOUR quit (and potentially, your life) or do you participate in a party where peer pressure will likely cause you cave? This is like Jane doing her 12 day Extreme Detox and going to an all you can eat buffet at the Cheesecake Factory! Why would you put yourself thru this torture? The two appear to be mutually exclusive. Not going IS an option. If getting sober is your #1 priority, missing this party will be secondary. I have seen countless nesters go to parties and various things over the years and we are NOT Mother Theresa, if pressured enough in a new quit, we will likely cave in. If all else fails, get a buddy to go with you that will keep you honest, is that possible? Or just pop in for 20 minutes. Losing your quit may not seem like such a big deal when you are there and the "Feckits" kick in, but just try getting it back! It's not as easy as it sounds. Many NEVER get it back. Keeping your quit momentum going is so important! Protect your delicate quit....whatever it takes! That's my 2 cents. Drunk fests come and go, but your quit may go and never come back!!

Hope everyone has a lovely Sunday (or Monday). Live it large!!! Every single day is precious!! XXOO, Byrdie

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters!

Maria, happy day 7!!!! What a wonderful accomplishment, and hope you enjoyed our pretty moons!

Petrel, you and I are both in new territory. I made it to the 40's, then 50's, and now am in early 60's. Can't see me going back and redoing any of those days ever again. Stay with me on this.

Dila, just as Av, Lav, and Pav say (I just wanted to put those names together, but you all probably did say what I'm gonna say at some point in time) stress and pain are here to stay, but dealing with those two realities is much easier without alcohol. We've got to feel them, but we can handle them so much better when we are physically and mentally stronger. But what's funny is that the stress and pain don't seem to hit us as hard as when we drink. So they're still there, but we are strong enough to deal with these two things. Hang in there Dila. Just don't drink. No matter what.

Cherokeer, I'm freaked out right now! OMG. Ok. Must change gears...about the wine glasses...how about just breaking one for the sake of symbolism and video it. You need those glasses like I do for when the family alkies visit.:H

Minderaser, enjoy your hungover day! How great!

Juja, I must have been absent the day they passed out the cleaning bug thing, but luckily my DH was in attendance as he just cleaned the upstairs and downstairs windows! You sound more at peace today.

Sarah, I hope you not only cut and paste that into our journal, but you start using it today!

Bran new day - Day 2:goodjob:

DD, my mom also had a mastectomy but no chemo. She's been cancer free for over 9 years. Prayers are continuing for you.

Have a great day all.

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

MAE, All:

Juja - I'm a middle child pleaser, too, and I cared very much about what other people thought of me, wanting them to like/love me (even if I didn't really like them). It has been such an amazing freedom to let that go - I think some part has to do with the age I am (late 40s) and a large part has been quitting drinking. I understood the guilt/shame/remorse affected me that day, and I understood that being drunk/hungover kept me from engaging in certain activities, but I never understood what the pall of alcohol did to my psyche and well being over all. I feel like I am "finding myself" (yes, I was born in the '60s in California) for the first time in a long time.

Minderaser - I agree with Byrdie - avoid it if you can. Get the flu or something. If you really feel like you can't, I suggest the following 1)eat a ton before you go. Steak, milkshake, whatever, but go full to the gills. 2) Put the MWO link on your bookmarks on your phone. If you find yourself tempted, head straight to another room (one MWO leader texted for support from a bathroom stall) and ask for help. 3)Make sure you have a way to leave early - drive your own car, bring money for a cab, whatever you need. If it is a crazy stag party as you say, once the others are in their cups, they won't even notice if you sneak away. Just say "I'm heading to the bathroom" and keep right on going out the front door.

I took a hike and listened to a Bubble Hour (podcast) yesterday on acceptance. Two things hit home for me (well, a lot did, but I won't go into it all - take a listen!). First, they talk about the difference between knowing you have a problem with alcohol (even knowing you're an alcoholic) and accepting that you are an alcoholic. The first part was easy for me - yes, I am an alcoholic (that is still hard for me to put in writing, though). Yes, I have a problem with alcohol. But even 6 months in, I am working on accepting this. Mostly i feel ok with it, mostly I can accept this, but every so often I get into a "why me" state. "Why is this my life? Why did this happen? I SHOULD have done things differently before it got too bad." That is the controller in me, and that is the opposite of acceptance. I continue to work on this. I am an alcoholic. That is a fact. No amount of hand wringing, or wishing I wasn't will make that fact change. Accept the fact and move on. Live my life with that knowledge and plan accordingly, but don't let it drag me around.

The other thing that resonated with me is the idea of accepting what I have to do to stay sober. I do have to work to stay sober, I do have to connect with others who are staying sober (thank goodness for MWO - I think I'd still be stumbling around if my only choice were an in-person meeting), I do have to take care of myself. The other part of this is accepting that _______ and staying sober is a possible combination. For Juja, it is difficulties with her ex. For DD it is breast cancer. Mine seems simple, but for now it is a big vacation and being sober ARE a possible combination. A nasty boss and staying sober - possible. Depression and sobriety, check. A wedding and being sober? Yep. People work through all sorts of things sober that we alcoholics can use as excuses. Accepting that hardship (or celebration) are possible without booze goes a long way to helping us stay healed.

That's my Sunday morning soapbox. And now back to the original programming...

Ava - I am super competitive, too, and that's part of the reason it has been so wonderful to be on this journey together. I know June 1 was your day for quitting the smokes - did that happen? If so, how are you doing? If you need to come here and bitch to/at us, feel free (well, I speak for myself).

All you new newbies - hang on tight. This journey is so worth it.

xo
Pav

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Byrd and Cherokeer -- I believe as well, because we had a ghost for about a year. A man's voice regularly whispering the names of my kids and husband to them when they were alone in our upstairs rooms...(my DH didn't "believe" either, but he's the one who heard the voices the most and couldn't explain it).....when both kids and both cats were sleeping with us in our king-sized bed, doors and cupboards throughout the rest of our house would routinely open and slam in the middle of the night in the dead of winter.....stuff falling off the shelves all the time for no reason. This will sound bizarre to many, I'm sure, but a Methodist minister actually told us how to get rid of it, and it worked. Even if it was all in our heads, at least it stopped!

j-vo;1667057 wrote:
Dila, just as Av, Lav, and Pav say (I just wanted to put those names together, but you all probably did say what I'm gonna say at some point in time) stress and pain are here to stay, but dealing with those two realities is much easier without alcohol. We've got to feel them, but we can handle them so much better when we are physically and mentally stronger. But what's funny is that the stress and pain don't seem to hit us as hard as when we drink. So they're still there, but we are strong enough to deal with these two things. Hang in there Dila. Just don't drink. No matter what.

Awesome post, j-vo! That's the rub, for me -- I spent all these years "dealing" with stress/pain by drinking to get me through and literally thought I was self-medicating. AL got me through, is what I told myself. But I'm going through extreme turmoil at work right now, and doing it sober has been 1000 times easier than doing it when I was drinking. I never would have believed that. But if this were happening to me 3 months ago, I would have been very drunk and obsessing all weekend, stayed up until 2:00 a.m. writing nasty-grams, wake up totally hung over around 9:30 with racing heart and headache, have no memory of telling people off, eventually remember that I told people off and feel like shit... thereby having created even more stress for myself! Sound familiar to anyone? To deal with the new stress, I guarantee you that by now I would have downed 3 glasses of o.j. with vodka and be well on my way to chase the hangover and "medicate" my way though the new problems and its not even noon. Then the whole cycle would repeat itself and I'd go into work hungover tomorrow morning.

In contrast, I've had a fabulous weekend with friends and family, got tons done, worked out early this morning, and am in an awesome good mood. Yes, the work turmoil is still there and bothering me very much, and I did spend an hour yesterday writing an email vent but it was sober, rational and professional, and once I was finished, I went on to enjoy the rest of my day -- I never knew that was possible!

AL shuts off our ability to compartmentalize stress, pain and anger. The problems that we can actually handle rather well when sober (that was a shocker to me) overwhelm everything in our lives when we are drinking, or at least when we're drinking like I drank. That would have been hard for me to believe once, but what j-vo said is so dead on: We CAN handle out problems so much better when we're physically and mentally healthy and totally sober!

Happy Sunday to all, and sending energy to all for a good week!

[Dila]

Newbies Nest

Juja,
Not avoiding just not sure what I'm feeling. On my job search my husband encouraged me to apply for positions out of state. I asked him if he was willing to move and he said no. He told me to go and he would come visit from time to time. Then he told me if this investment he has pays off, he is leaving.

So after almost 25 years what was I, only the person to pay the bills. It hurt so much. He is far from perfect but so am I. I thought we had a good marriage. I just feel like I have a knife in my heart.

I have to make some decisions I don't want to make. I had it hard for so long with just my daughter and myself before I married my husband. I know I am not that young inexperienced person anymore, but I also don't know if I have the strength to start over.

I feel used.

[minderaser]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1667056 wrote:
MindEraser.....this is strictly from an semi-objective point of view, but I'm in sales and when I have a customer who raises an objection, one technique to overcome it is to reduce it to the ridiculous. In the case of your stag party, let's take a look at it. You found, joined and are participating in a forum for AL abuse. You HAVE a problem with AL and if I might be so bold, if you are like the rest of us, you are an Alcoholic. Right now, you have a wonderful quit going. The emphasis at this party is drinking....the more, the better. So given the CHOICE, which you REALLY DO have, do you protect YOUR quit (and potentially, your life) or do you participate in a party where peer pressure will likely cause you cave? This is like Jane doing her 12 day Extreme Detox and going to an all you can eat buffet at the Cheesecake Factory! Why would you put yourself thru this torture? The two appear to be mutually exclusive. Not going IS an option. If getting sober is your #1 priority, missing this party will be secondary. I have seen countless nesters go to parties and various things over the years and we are NOT Mother Theresa, if pressured enough in a new quit, we will likely cave in. If all else fails, get a buddy to go with you that will keep you honest, is that possible? Or just pop in for 20 minutes. Losing your quit may not seem like such a big deal when you are there and the "Feckits" kick in, but just try getting it back! It's not as easy as it sounds. Many NEVER get it back. Keeping your quit momentum going is so important! Protect your delicate quit....whatever it takes! That's my 2 cents. Drunk fests come and go, but your quit may go and never come back!!

Thank you Byrdie - you are, of course, 100% right.
We're talking about a 4 day deal in a cabin here, so it's not even a pop in or out kind of thing. Could I take that sort of peer pressure for 4 days?
Doubt it.

I've been struggling for like a year since I last made a serious attempt to quit, and I don't want to be like that again. If anything, that year was worse than anything that preceded it.

Most likely I'll speak to the guy, explain the situation, and I'm sure he'll understand - he's a nice guy who I've lived with in the past, so he knows full well what my alcohol consumption is like. He's dealt with me in all sorts of messed up states. Hell, he'll probably be glad he doesn't need to scrape me up off the floor haha.

Had a lovely day today, took a long walk and a picnic up on the moorland near my house, a beautifully desolate place, and then saw family and cooked them dinner. Better than getting as many cans down me as possible and then passing out - as that's what I did last Sunday.

Day 5 nearly done

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Cherokeer;1666833 wrote:

As I was cooking breakfast this morning I looked into my curio cabinet at all my beautiful wine glasses and decided to get rid of them all. I threw all my decorative corks away. I realized I don't drink anymore.

Cherokeer,

It's fun learning to be accept that you don't drink. When ever in return back from an overseas trip it's like a tradition to buy AL from duty free. Ever since I have given up AL I must have gone 3 to 4 times overseas and this last trip it hit me ... Who am I buying this for ?

The salesman at the duty free shop asked me

"Sir can I help you ?"
"Ya I am looks for some good single malts"
"Take this one it's highly recommended, it has that smoky flavour 16 year old you know"
"But I don't drink" (now it came out as an impulse ... And it hit me ... I really don't drink !!' Wow)
"Oh then I highly recommend it " (he thought his job became easier ...)

I tell you ...during early days it was to even accept I have a driving problem. Saying to myself "I am an alcoholic" "I am not going to drink ever". Every time I used to say this to myself I felt I was lying ... Or as if the alcoholic in me was tell. ..."oh come on ... U are fine ... U just enjoy a drink..."

I remember I never had said to anyone in person "I am an alcoholic" and who should I say this too ? So I went to an AA meeting just to get it out ...after saying it aloud in front of people it was like telling the alcoholic me ... "You are going to die buddy ... Your days are over"

Now when I say "I don't drink " I feel sooo free ... I remember first time I said it I felt so honest with my self, because at that stage I knew I won't drink again. Or I don't ever intend to drink again. So what's the harm in telling the whole world that I don't drink.

BEST PART was when people start accepting that ...

Recovery is like a celebration for me ... I am ending it more everyday ....

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

M A E ,
Just a quick fly by before starting work , Day 3 , after a disturbed nights sleep ,Hope every one has a great Monday . BND