Newbies Nest

[Fleur23]

Newbies Nest

Oh Gosh... Juja... I thought I had posted something and didn't remember for a second..when I saw your avatar!! LOL.... I loved this one when I chose it quite a while ago, and I hadn't seen anyone else with it when I joined... so if you don't mind sharing??? We will confuse people.. it will keep them alert anyhow LOL.... Hi to everyone...

[Ginger999]

Newbies Nest

Made it through a grad party and a birthday party today AF. I had a plan and stuck to it. I told hubs it was harder than I thought especially when chided to take some shots but I held fast. I kept thinking about what I'd have to post when I got home, if I was to slip. Glad I didn't. Night all....

[Petrelhead]

Newbies Nest

MAE everyone.

Ava and Lav, thanks for the well wishes. I ran my 10 km run this morning. I strained a muscle in my calf, but finished. A little slower than I thought, but it was okay. 4 weeks to marathon day.

I've been thinking a lot lately about being AF and moderating. I don't want to drink on a regular basis, like weekly or anything. But I am struggling with the complete AF, never drink again mindset. I'm sure many have had these thoughts before, so I'm happy to listen to any advice and opinions.

So the other night, Friday night, I had a few beers, after work, before dinner. It's like I wanted to break the shackles. Thinking back to my birthday weekend a few weeks back, I felt some resentment about not drinking. This is more of a stubbornness on my part, that " I want my freedom back" rather than "craving a drink".

My thoughts are to remain AF nearly all of the time, pretty much what I have been doing. But if I would like a drink on a given occasion, then have one.

I've probably got this completely wrong. I won't be offended if anyone disagrees with me. I read a lot of threads on the moderation forum yesterday. It wasn't the reassurance I was hoping for.

Thanks for listening.

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Pavati;1669126 wrote: Here's the information from the toolbox that Orimus referenced...

thank you!!!!!!!!

[minderaser]

Newbies Nest

Petrel, whatever works for you I guess. I know that when I try to moderate, my drinking just goes back to how it was, so I can't drink at all. Well done on your 10k
Day 12, on the way into work, and I'm not in the mood. At least I'm not hungover though, I suppose.

[Petrelhead]

Newbies Nest

minderaser;1669397 wrote: Petrel, whatever works for you I guess. I know that when I try to moderate, my drinking just goes back to how it was, so I can't drink at all. Well done on your 10k
Day 12, on the way into work, and I'm not in the mood. At least I'm not hungover though, I suppose.

Thanks mind eraser. I'm not even convinced myself. I've read a lot of threads on the forum over this weekend, and I'm playing with fire, I guess. Certainly simpler to not drink.

[minderaser]

Newbies Nest

I do get what you mean about the finality of it though. I'm just trying not to think about it, getting some time behind me, and Hoping the acceptance comes later

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning,
Lovely and sunny here! It's so good to read of so many social/sporting activities that are AF. Petrel Head well done on your 10km run, that is wonderful. Cheerokeer the kayaking trip sounds great, even if the socialising feels a bit awkward without the alcohol you will feel so pleased with yourself when you get home sober and sane!! Wagmore, I think it is fab that you went to the picnic, we are roughly the same amount of time AF, I am looking forward to lots of socialising AF. Ava please keep us all informed about your man!! Isn't it lovely that he does not drink? I want my next boyfriend to be a non drinker or someone who does not attach a lot of importance to drinking. I think in a few years from now the whole drinking culture will have died down a lot and it will be frowned upon in the same way that smoking is now, think there will be less adverts etc too.

Maria, interesting to read about your success in AA. I previously went and had success too, more than three years sober, that was about 15 years ago!! I went last week and have decided to go one or maybe two times a week. I have changed from how I was all that time ago. I loved AA then and accepted it in a way that now I don't. For me now it will be a small part of my life, certain fundamental concepts of it I now no longer go along with..... I don't think alcoholism is a disease, I don't want a sponsor, I don't want to do the steps, I do gain from face to face contact. Luckily here in London there are many different kinds of AA meetings to choose from so I can choose the ones I like.

I feel really fed up at the moment, extremely tired most of the time, not my normal self. I feel like a body and not a soul. During the last month I have had so many tests and small surgery and have the much bigger surgery still ahead of me. Even now bathing/showering is very difficult after my main surgery this will be harder. I am normally a very active person, now just washing exhausts me as it is so awkward. Fearful about imminent surgery even though I have met both the surgeons and talked through both parts of the operation, I like both of these people and trust them but am still nervous as it is such a long operation and I worry about recovery. Also worried about chemotherapy, at this stage they don't know if I will need this, soon I will be told, I know there are great wigs etc but I hate the thought of being bald along with everything else. I am being treated in a hospital that I consider to be one of the best in London, that thought is a bit reassuring.

I know that the "One day at a time philosophy" is the best approach for this but it is quite hard to carry this ahead and not worry about the future. One of the things that is bugging me at the moment is that I can't relax, whether I read, walk, chat to friends, spend time with family, watch TV whatever I do I feel like I have cancer hanging over me. My surgery is on 11th June so I will have a few days when I am not on here.

This is the lowest I have felt so far, one encouraging thought is that these days most people recover from breast cancer. Also when I am better I am going to go on holiday and treat myself in all sorts of ways, new clothes, decorate my home etc etc

Feel quite alone despite lots of contact from friends, deep down I know these feelings will pass but they feel gripping at the moment. Also feel rather numb to the beauty of the world.

To end on something more upbeat, I really believe pets can be very healing. Yesterday at one point I sat in the sun stroking my neighbour's cat and for that moment I felt at peace.

xxxx

[available]

Newbies Nest

DD with all you are going through it must be hard. I suppose you dont want to worry everyone with your thoughts and feelings but i am sure they will be more than happy to help you. It is lovely that you feel you can come on here and talk to us. I will be thinking of you on the 11th June and remember be kind to yourself and in time you will feel that all of this stress and worry was a distant memory for you. I have 2 dogs and a cat and they are the best. I will never be without an animal in my life, they give and give and never ever expect anything in return except for love. Not like my children! I even feel bad for them for what they endured when i was drinking, funny how everyone suffers with al. Now they are so happy that they get so much attention and time, time i used to spend with al. If i had of met this man 6 months ago and found out he did not drink i dont think i would have got to a second date as all i would be thinking about is how i could hide my drinking from him, how i could just get home and drink. Now its how good he makes a cup of tea. Oh dear!

Petrel, well what can i say! I think with our conversations i cant add anymore. I am worried about your being depressed which is what al does to you. I used to feel so totally deprived that i could never drink again. Of course i always can drink but i choose not to, i have everything to lose if i drink and what is there to enjoy about al at the end of the day. I am proud i dont drink, the days of me enjoying al are a distant memory and distant as in 5+ years. Only you can make the decision to drink, moderate or whatever you want to call it and of course i will support your choice. I have read the modding threads and it seems such a battle just planning, not overdoing, drinking Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Drinking on a Saturday, not drinking more than 5 drinks. God it is exhausting, thus why my choice is made easier.

Mind when you accept that you have a drinking problem (i call myself an alcoholic) and that you can never drink again the battle is won. There is still sometimes a slight thought of "i can surely have one" but when i think back to where i was when i came to MWO there is no decision to make as i know it would not take long to get to the hell i was in 190 days ago.

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Received the book by "Alan Carr' today from a friend as a gift, and I am totally grateful. Perfect timing too as I have no TV right now (thanks to the roofing job) so gonna delve in!

Petrel- I feel the same way. But, I gotta figure me out first before I make any decision. It's just the way it is. I've said this before, but I will say it again..

I think it is important to understand the reasons 'why' you drink and continue to drink -in order to help with your recovery. That's me though.

You can talk all day long about seratonin, neurotransmitters, habits. and Scooby Doo, The fact is we are drinking for a reason..whether medically induced, psychological or otherwise and UNTIL we figure THAT part of our life out..we will continue to drink. (IMO)

IF we don't figure that part out..yes we can still not drink by shear forcibility (is that a word?). ..which I think we should do, BUT.. if we don't conquer what the fear or anguish or otherwise that caused us to drink in the first place, then I think we set us up for failure.

I'm certain I won't get good remarks on this(if any) but that is the way I feel and have felt from t the beginning.

Sorry to Jane who thinks I'm a drama queen or whatever, but this is the way I think. If you're 'tired of it' than so beit. I didn't come here to get approval for my thoughts or actions.....I came here to help myself get better!


In any event, I must say again, I am here to help myself. Regardless of how I choose or plan or direct my personal life...I am here. I'm here and not leaving. Like me or lump me....

NO I haven't done it ....and for those who are tired of me coming on here almost daily to try to get inspiration or are tired of me saying something that upset me that day...then I say to you...wtf is this forum for?

I'm sorry so many are frustrated with me...I am TOO! I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to stop/control drinking.

All I can do is try right now...and I'm at least doing that.

Sarah

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Pavati, Available, Wag, No Sugar, and Mind,

I am happy to report I enjoyed my very first AF kayak trip. I had a great time. I didn't get dumped in the drink once and it was an 8 hour trip. I didn't even really want to drink. I've got pretty mad skills when I kayak. Amazing what you can do when you stay sober.

I told a few of my cousins I stopped drinking and they were like WHY??!$!. I said I drink too much. They said we all do. I said I don't know when to stop. They said who does. I said I black out and can't remember and make an ass out of myself. They said no way your hilarious. I said I don't drink anymore. Needless to say I keep getting offered AL all the way down the river and I just said no thanks.

I loved being able to kayak for 8 hours, get out load up everything, be able to drive, and be able to unload everything. And instead of being drunk off my ass and useless. I woke up this morning to a load of sore muscles and no injuries I don't member getting. This probably seems silly to be so happy about not drinking on one kayak trip but this is my first encounter AF where there is always lots of AL. And I had great fun. So I can say at I am at just Day 11 but I navigated a huge hurdle. Hooray!!

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Ops, I forgot Birdie. Sorry Birdie. I'm typing faster than my brain. LOL

[roxane]

Newbies Nest

Amazing achievement cherokeer!

When we put our minds to it, it shows what can be done.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Oh Chero way to go girl and so proud of you, that is fantastic and i can tell by your post how super excited and proud of yourself you are and so you should be. Funny how when we say we dont drink anymore it gets thrown at us. Damn i am happy for you. No looking back now for you girl and i had a chuckle when you said you remembered every sore muscle and where you got it. So many bruises never remembered by me. You totally kick arse Chero.

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Roxanne. It's getting easier telling people that I don't drink. I'm really liking being in control of myself and behaving with dignity. I'm really ready to get my life back, living and remembering it.