Newbies Nest

[Kailey]

Newbies Nest

Good morning. I'm not really a Newbie, but since I can't seem to get this right, my plan is to live here in the Nest for a while.

I called in sick to work this morning...and I'm the boss. Mortifying, since I'm not sick, I'm hungover. I'm having more and more days like this. And the days I am at work I'm dealing with at least a low level hangover and really don't like interacting with anyone. I used to pride myself on my open door, but more and more lately I keep it shut to keep the world out.

It's so clear to me that everything that's important to me is in jeopardy. Job, family relationships, health. Maybe the scariest thing is that I'm losing myself. I am not happy with the person I've become. The one who cannot keep the promises she makes to herself. The one who is constantly in fear of being found out. The one who looks in the mirror and can't see herself anymore. I see a tired, pudgy caricature of the real me.

I am done with the waffling. I will not let the inevitable thoughts I will have tonight about drinking take me off course. I'm going to embrace a sober life and do whatever it takes to protect it.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Great posts overnight, as usual (the night shift is so wise!!)

Kailey, I could have written your post 4 years ago. There I was, a success in business, a community leader and organizer, every thing in order....except that my drinking was out of control. I looked into that mirror not even knowing the person who was looking back at me. The person everyone else saw as 'together' I knew was falling apart. I had all the signs, too, but it is amazing what you are willing to ignore when you are in the pit of addiction. I was shutting myself off from others (so I could drink). I was irritable and bitchy (concerned that I was going to get my fix). I was anxious (it's hard to keep all these balls in the air). I looked like hell (AL takes away any glow from your hair, skin, eyes). My marriage was failing (he caught me with my stash twice!!!) dam, how was I going to keep drinking with HIM catching me???) I was quickly running out of lives. We really have 2 choices: Give in to the beast and let him take you down completely, or fight it with everything you've got. I am so glad you are choosing to fight! It isn't an EASY battle, but it is totally do-able. As you can see right here in this nest each and every one of us have it within ourselves to do it. Sometimes you have to reach down deep, but that resolve is there. You CAN win this! One day at a time, like all of us Nesters do. We all started with Day 1. Grab on to us, Kailey, we can help you....stay engaged here...participate and get some skin in the game. Like Ava said yesterday, she was so involved here that it kept her honest!! Same with me, and NS and so many others. Accountability! I'm so glad you are back....if I can help you in any way I will do it. Let's get your life back today!! Great job on making this life changing decision! Hugs, Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

roxane;1669771 wrote: may i humbly suggest that one of the reasons this site may be crashing all the time is that these threads have to load every time and this one in particular is huge.

this site is old and not been upgraded so is clunky. having to upload 5000 or more posts takes up its ram or wotnot. its like lifting encyclopedia britannica onto the table to read the last few pages.

maybe a new thread and leave this one alone? see if it helps?

Rox, I'm no IT expert but I've noticed also that the large threads are the slowest to load and sometimes won't load, even when others will. I agree with you that it would be a good idea to create a Newbies Nest II, put a final post with a link to it in this thread and put a link back to this thread in the first post of the new one.

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Pav,
I don't get this..."The longer I'm sober, the worse my disease gets." Does that mean we realize how bad it really was, and how sick it really made us for so long?

Pepper,
Awesome on your 4-day AF weekend, and even more awesome that you enjoyed it while being in gratitude mode.

Kailey, I, too, could have written your post. I was always in the lead for sick days. It was a running joke. It wasn't funny to me, though. We all know and feel your pain. But the wonderful thing is, you don't have to continue that pain. "Losing self, family relationships, health..." it's time to beat the beast. One day at at time. We're here for you.:l

[minderaser]

Newbies Nest

Hey everyone, just checking in, ill have a proper read back tonight. Cherokeer, I am so happy you were successful with your kayaking. I posted a couple of days ago but I don't think it worked.
Kailey, I know exactly what you mean about calling in sick. I was doing the same thing, and I got demoted just recently with that as one of the factors. I can't say I'm sorry, its one of the main things that made me realise I need to sort myself and got me to log on here and be really comitted.
Have a few alcohol free days and see how you feel.

[Orimus]

Newbies Nest

MAE all, just wanted to check in. Feeling rather calm this morning. Have to remember to keep up with my personal thread so that people can call me on my shit as well as point out new thoughts and avenues of thought. Big part of being here after all in addition to the support is the feedback.

Juja - a) Of course I can only agree with what everybody has said about none of us being perfect. The only perfection we can achieve is to aim to grow a little bit every day, keep moving forward. With each AF day under your belt, just having to deal with your issues you are doing just that. b) You are not your mother. That is just fear talking trying to keep you from moving forward. Let it talk but don't listen. Just AL's older brother. c) Glad your seeing your doc about your thyroid and as Lav pointed out the depression and anxiety could definitely be from menopause. Did a number on GF's un-diagnosed ADHD a few years ago.

Sarah - I can understand as AL doesn't appear to be making my life a living hell either, I still function but knowing how much better I can function, knowing how much better my health could be without AL and I know you're saying you want to do it for your health. I had 'moderated' for years but in the end there was nothing moderate about my drinking. I didn't really get the grip AL had on me until I tried keeping my drinking just on the weekends. (there is nothing normal about a couple of glasses every night. Medically speaking if a woman has more than 5 oz of wine a night she is a heavy drinker and putting her health at risk.)

As for doing it for your health if your like me it's not just for your health, it's not just so AL doesn't end up ending you or at least landing you in the hospital in the long run. You have to look and ask why do you want your health, what does it mean to you. What is the real reason that drives you to want to get up every day? We can say we're doing it for our health but at the end of the day that's just so much fluff concealing a void.

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

You are all so wonderful. Thank you for supporting me and not telling me to take a hike. I'll keep working and working until I get it right.

Orimus, good point about me not being my mother. It is fear that's keeping me from being honest with my husband. I'm afraid of being honest, crushing him, and having my fears of abandonment kick in. I have to get through this, and I will. It's not easy for anyone. And, I do feel I grow a little each day, so I feel good about that. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward, and one step back, but ever onward.

I was able to see my doc today, and felt much better afterwards. He says if my blood work comes back normal, it's depression. I guess I knew that. My blood pressure was through the roof, but I can get that in check. It's my marriage that's causing the stress.

Kailey, I was never in your AL shoes, but my heart breaks for you nonetheless. Your life wants you back. Stick around the Nest, with me, won't you? We both want to beat this, and everyone will help. I've gotten nothing but love and support here, even when I was scared that I was going to get kicked out for being a failure, but too young to fly. They fluff our downy feathers, and keep steering us in the right
direction.

Love to all. May we all have a good day.

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

P.S. I'm post-menopausal, so that's not part of my anxiety and depression. I don't feel like a geezer, but I guess I am. :H

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Hi,

I know that Pav has mentioned this podcast before in the nest but in case any of you missed it, this is a really clear explanation about addiction and its effects on our brains, why repeated day ones for many people are part of the process, why people should try not to get discouraged but why they also should not treat relapses lightly, etc. It is informative and ultimately, very encouraging: The Bubble Hour: Special Guest, Dr. John Kelly: Changing the Stigma of Addiction Through Science. According to the speaker, the majority of people who try to quit ultimately will . Several MWOers have listened to this and found it valuable. I've listened a few times and learned something new each time. Anyway, hope you have a listen!

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

NoSugar - thanks for the reminder about the podcast, I will have to check this out. Also, belated CONGRATS on 500+ days!!! That's awesome and inspiring :banana:

Juja - I hope you get some helpful answers from the doc after your blood work comes back. I've only experienced anxiety once or twice, and it was very frightening. I doubt people here would ever tell you to take a hike - it seems like anxiety in the middle of the night is one of the many things this group is here to help people through.

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Kailey;1669876 wrote: Good morning. I'm not really a Newbie, but since I can't seem to get this right, my plan is to live here in the Nest for a while.

I called in sick to work this morning...and I'm the boss. Mortifying, since I'm not sick, I'm hungover. I'm having more and more days like this. And the days I am at work I'm dealing with at least a low level hangover and really don't like interacting with anyone. I used to pride myself on my open door, but more and more lately I keep it shut to keep the world out.

It's so clear to me that everything that's important to me is in jeopardy. Job, family relationships, health. Maybe the scariest thing is that I'm losing myself. I am not happy with the person I've become. The one who cannot keep the promises she makes to herself. The one who is constantly in fear of being found out. The one who looks in the mirror and can't see herself anymore. I see a tired, pudgy caricature of the real me.

I am done with the waffling. I will not let the inevitable thoughts I will have tonight about drinking take me off course. I'm going to embrace a sober life and do whatever it takes to protect it.

Hi Kailey,

About 2 months ago I was in a spot very similar to yours. The main difference was that I'm self-employed, so instead of "calling in sick" I was cancelling clients. I was jeopardizing absolutely everything. Like you, I lived in constant fear of being "found out" and/or losing everything important to me, everything I had worked so hard to build in the first place (business, relationships, everything).

I'm glad you came back here so we can help support you through this journey. The nest is definitely a great place to get your quit going strong. As you've seen and already know, people here really do understand. If you find yourself waffling this evening, as you predicted, come here instead and write out what you're thinking, what you're feeling.

:l

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters,

Days went well did a bit of swimming instead of drinking in evenings here in Bombay. Evenings here were always me drinking but today swam, saw a movie in hotel, enjoyed and ice cream ...

Its so good to be sober ...

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Thanks to all for the support on here. Today I found out that I will have to have chemotherapy as well as a mastectomy (not all at once!!) I am devastated by this news, broke down and cried, literally wept in a way that I have not done so far. Also swore (at the situation, not at anyone!) ...... I feel that the cancer is sweeping me up... but there is still hope that it will not take hold in major organs and bones. Also I have got closer to my friends, family and neighbours since this diagnosis. The other miraculous thing was that when I heard this news I did not think of alcohol, in the past my default setting with any bad news was to either drink or to want to drink... but for over a month now I have been utterly free of all that and for that I am truly grateful! xxx

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

DD, sorry about the news but everything is going to be OK. Your reaction was perfectly normal.
Wonderful your friends & family are close by now. And we are all here thinking of you as well :l

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

roxane;1669771 wrote: may i humbly suggest that one of the reasons this site may be crashing all the time is that these threads have to load every time and this one in particular is huge.

this site is old and not been upgraded so is clunky. having to upload 5000 or more posts takes up its ram or wotnot. its like lifting encyclopedia britannica onto the table to read the last few pages.

maybe a new thread and leave this one alone? see if it helps?

What a good idea, if a new Newbies Nest could be started then it would be easier to use!