Newbies Nest

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

Part of my plan is to not check the roll call. Why make myself feel bad? That works best for me.

Orimus, I know you're right, but I've always been so frightened to say what I think and feel in an emotional situation--fear of rejection. I can't find my voice, or the right words. I physically shake when there's discord. I'm working on that.

I'm planning on staying firmly planted here, and hope you'll do the same. I'll be watching for you.

Ginger, I'll be thinking about you. I agree with Orimus--nature is sacred. Smell the damp earth and breezes for me, if you would.

I do wish we could hear from Darkest Diamond.

Everyone needing to relax, check out calm.com. Sorry I didn't post it as a link, but it's easy to remember.

I'm going to a high school graduation party today. It shouldn't be any problem for me, even though the mother of the graduate, one of my best friends, is an alcoholic. She'll be drinking, but most attendees won't. Her husband is a diehard AA'er, after wrecking the car with their 3 year old son with him. He spent 3 months in jail because of the wreck, lost his license, pays extremely high car insurance, etc., and paid the price. He went to AA when he was released from jail, and hasn't drunk since. This has been 15 years. I'm proud of him.

Our weather has broken, and we get a 2 day reprieve from rain and heat. The heat comes next week.:upset:

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

jane27;1671261 wrote: Turn, Lav, Juja, NS, Byrd, Orimus, Daisy (all of you that offered up support on the bulimia issue) first- thanks for listening & caring. This is not at all something new for me. It goes back 3 decades (started around 13). Nothing terribly unique about it. In its simplest form, its the combat between wanting to be very thin and the struggle with the discipline it involves to be very thin. Historically, its a bigger problem when I'm at a low weight. I've been through counseling and attended 12 step meetings. I know all the health risks. It got old after a while. I've eaten everything I could possibly want, in as great a qty I want, and its not all that its cracked up to be. Gross amounts of the tastiest food in the world will diminish the special-ness of it. So in terms of getting my food on, I've been there, and I'm over it. I don't even need to starve to maintain my current "thin" weight. Currently, the lure of bulimia reminds me of AL addiction because its a means of escape- and the feeling of getting away with something. To have more than I should, and not have to pay the consequences. It's very much a psychological merry go round in the same way drinking was, and the way in which it feels wrong- is exactly the same way that it feels wrong to use alcohol as coping / social lubricant to help manage the boring, mundane, tedious, uncomfortable, awkward, stressful (the list gets longer and longer until one day there's no point in even noticing using to drink or not to drink categories).

Its not about the food now. Its the ejector seat. If I go on a binge its like PING, it shoots me right out of life the same way that AL did. I could talk eating disorder and bulimia factoid's until the cows come home. Only a trace piece of it has to do with body image. The problem is the ejector seat. In terms of bulimia counseling, I could write a book. Right here is the best resource for me- MWO, friends I have made in recovery, the Bubble Room. I am a student in all of this, and I need to keep on studying, to keep asking questions, and to do my part to exist in this community in a way that I can live with myself. That means being honest, playing fair, earning my keep, and give others a hand when I can.

From a type A perspective, that all sounds a bit fluffy. (What's my plan, Stan?) I don't have a plan for today. I'm feeling a little sick, and a little sad. I lost someone that was dear to me. She was 81 and died following complications from arterial surgery. Years of smoking took a toll on her circulation system, and were she not to have the surgery she was facing leg amputation. Hadn't spoken with her in 2 years. She is my ex's Mom. He and I have remained close friends over the years. The night before last she, then he popped into my head out of nowhere as I was cooking dinner. I sent him a text suggesting dinner Thursday (tonight). He replied that he was at his mothers bedside in ICU where shed been for 10 days. The hospital she was in is 5 minutes from my house, and my husband is an administrator there. It was 8pm and I went right over to see her. My hubs was at the hospital as well- he had a board meeting. He and my ex met for the first time right there in her room, and I was so moved and proud of both of them. They were kind to one another, supportive, they made an effort.

Post Op, she had improved in the 10 days- had gone from a ventilator to cpac machine with oxygen. I held her hand, and she opened her eyes a little. She was involuntarily twitching quite a bit. She seemed very uncomfortable. Her kidneys had stopped working during the surgery and if she had survived, she would have been on dialysis 3 times a week. The next day she took a turn for the worse and her liver stopped working. They moved her to the hospice unit and she passed away shortly after.

She and her husband were married forever and raised 6 kids together. They have 13 grandchildren & one is like a niece to me. I loved holidays at her house because there was lots of drinking, plenty of smoking, great food, and if you did something embarrassing it didn't matter, because hardly more than 5 minutes would pass before someone did something worse. She had a great sense of humor. When I insisted on helping do the dishes and used a brillo pad on her silver gravy boat, she made a huge funny skit about it (getting the point across that I was damaging the silver and making me laugh at the same time). The house was old fashioned and huge. In the kitchen they had an ice chest, and one year shortly after arriving for Thanksgiving I broke my wine glass in it while trying to use it as a scoop. PARTIES OVER someone yelled. JANE BROKE A GLASS IN THE WINE CHEST! I could tell this wasn't the fist time they had seen this happen. She could have cared less. They emptied the stupid ice drawer, everyone aged 2 - 80 got by without ice, and she went out of her way to make me forget I did it. She loved garage sales and on any given day in her breakfast room, on the table there'd be piles of freshly washed baby/kids clothes, stacked in bundles tied with rope and a tag indicating the size. Always something for someone to take home. She took great pride in her tupper ware collection, and it was grouped by grade. She always gave me leftovers in the good stuff, and I always brought it back washed for her. She liked that a lot. She loved soft sheets and knew how to make a comfortable bed like nobody (bottom sheet, top sheet & huge fluffy goose down duve). The beds were always turned down so when you got in the bottom sheet was cool.

When my ex and I were dating he drove me over to his parents house one day without mentioning where we were going. Right as we got out he warned me, "My mother is going to hate you, but don't worry about it. She hates everyone. Whatever you do, do not use the paper towels. Wipe your hands on your pants, wipe your hands ANYWHERE. But no paper towels, got it?" "Got it" I said. (was bad about wasting paper towels back then. Have improved, but still bad). By the way he'd described her I don't know what I was expecting, but it defintley wasn't her. She had silvery straight hair tied back with a barrette, a blueberry buckle on the table, and she did eye me a little like a German shepherd sizing someone up. To both of our surprises I passed, and she took a shine to me from then on.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the Brady Bunch and daydream about being in a family like that. I actually got the opportunity. Nothing was perfect, everyone had their issues, there were fights over the years, people didn't speak, but on most holidays people put their shit to one side. There was food, laughter and love. She used to call me her 7th. I will miss her, and I am grateful for everything I learned from her, and the love that she gave me.

Changing subjects, because this seems like an opportune time, I've noticed more than a few times after a long post (not just mine) that people make light hearted comments using the term gazette. "Wow, that was quite a gazette!" Sometimes folks will even use the term directly to a poster known for making long posts, "Looking forward to a gazette!" I may fall on the more sensitive side, but I find it hurtful and insulting. I would prefer hearing no comment at all than reference to the post being equal to a newspaper. I hate to sound like I have a bumble bee up my ass, but on this subject I;m getting one.

Wishing everyone peace & strength.
thoughts and prayers to ya Jane...

love, sarah

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters,

Bydie, I probably will never order lo mein again!:H What a trip! Glad you made it safely.

Juju, hope you have a better day today. Enjoy the grad party today. The story of your friend's husband -- that's what we need to hear. How we can inadvertently hurt others. How an addiction to alcohol or other drugs can put us in dangerous situations, situations we wouldn't be in if we weren't drunk. We think about hurting ourselves, but there's a whole other side to how alcohol can cause damage--to our loved ones.

I'd say, if roll call makes you feel bad, don't use it. That's just a tool for some people and not all.

Have a great day!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Morning, all!

Just a couple quick thoughts....
As we all know getting sober is a mindset. As such, when it is written that relapse is part of that, what do you think happens next? Yep. Relapse. This nest has taken many shapes over the years, due to some pressure from other really vocal posters from other parts of MWO, we felt it necessary to simply push for those first 30 days and after that, either you decided to moderate or continue AF. If my memory serves, I think Mollyka and I are the only ones who came out of that era AF. In the past couple years, in no small part, due to Kuya and NoSugar, we just simply advocate Abstinence. Its the only thing that really works. Relapse does NOT have to be part of that. If we EXPECT relapse, we will get relapse, IMHO. Sure, relapse happens, but it does NOT have to happen to YOU! However, if it occurs, you will not find a more compassionate and patient group of people than we are. I have been there! I honestly know that shame very well. But the shame was only PERCEIVED by me. No one was shaming me.
I am active over on the roll call because in this journey, we dont get get real life prizes for being sober....in fact, we get just the opposite..." Why aren't YOU drinking?" Is it mandatory to participate over there? Certainly not. In my observations over the years I find that those people with some "skin" in the game seem to fare better than those that don't. This is a generalization, sure there are exceptions. I contend that you cant manage what you cant measure. If fear of reporting to the roll call keeps someone sober for one more day, it has done its job. I have found that folks who don't take his/ her count seriously don't take their quit seriously. Mind you, all of these things are my opinion only. If you look over on the roll call you will see numbers all over the board, from 1 day to 650. Each person is fiercely proud of his number, like I am of mine. We are a team, cheering each other to fight one more day. It really is a beautiful thing to see. The shame that might be in a person's mind in falling is purely between his own ears ....believe me we ALL understand the call of AL. We feel empathy and perhaps sadness, but we do not shame anyone. I love the roll call, biu if it isnt your thing, thats ok too. Whatever keeps you from drinking is the right answer!!! And one size doesn't fit all.

Hope everyone has an easy day!!! Xxo, t

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, all:

Heading to a memorial service for a family friend I've known my whole life. Feeling anxious and blah. I won't drink but just to make sure, I'm posting here for support. Already feel better typing this.

I won't drink no matter what.

Pav

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Pavati;1671917 wrote: Hi, all:

Heading to a memorial service for a family friend I've known my whole life. Feeling anxious and blah. I won't drink but just to make sure, I'm posting here for support. Already feel better typing this.

I won't drink no matter what.

Pav

Pav,

So sorry about your loss of a dear family friend. Anxiety, sadness, grief - all such normal human feelings, especially after such a loss, but never easy that's for sure. Glad you came here to post so we can support you, and that you aren't letting this trigger you to drink.

Stay strong, and be sure to check in later.

:l

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Pav,
:l

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Sorry about your friend Pav - you will be grand - already one step ahead by posting, which means you are thinking and preparing - see you later....

[Orimus]

Newbies Nest

So sorry Pav ...

[frances]

Newbies Nest

Pav, I know it is so difficult to lose someone you love - glad you posted - wishing you strength!

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

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[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

Well back to day 2 for me , beginning to wonder if this will ever stick . if the anxiety and feeling like crap could be put in a bottle I bet we wouldn't open it again . But time is a great one for smoothing over the memories . BND

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

BND, it will......just keep going even if you don't want to, or feel like it, because you WILL get good days that are so good it makes it all worthwhile.....you will feel alive again....hear yourself laugh and not remember the last time you felt this good.
I know exactly what you mean about bottling that shit feeling just to help you along.....I found the first week and a half ok because I was so relieved not to feel crap, then it changed and I had to dig deeper, concentrate on the good feelings.....
I know it is easier said but I have only got this far by trusting the words of people here who swear it gets better and they would never go back.....so If I don't feel it, I will fake it until I do....
Statistics show that those who keep trying will eventually make it......now that is good news....look where you are.....day 3 here you come!

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Daisy . Its been in fits and starts , 2 runs of over 30 days for a total of nearly 100 af so far this year , just need to keep perservering . That's my problem after 2 weeks it's back on top of the world and feeling invincible , but i'm certainly not . perhaps I should get an empty wine bottle and fill it with water , labelled "invicable ' to put on the shelf above my home desk . BND

"

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Pav, very sorry for your loss.

BND, whatever visuals work for you I say do it, why not??
I finally found success when I had had enough of the anxiety & feeling like crap. I wanted to feel like a human again & the only way I could do that was just quit!!!

Greetings to everyone & sending wishes for a safe night in the nest for all.

Lav