Newbies Nest

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

So many great posts. I've been kind of down, and all of these posts came at the right time. I've been thinking of immediate family, as I can say all of them have some problem with alcohol to a different degree. My mother has already told me that I "push" my ideas on others to the point where I make them uncomfortable, and wow, if that's not a slap in the face for trying to be helpful. Right now, I feel alone and depressed, as both of my sisters are drinking (one where it's not a 'true' problem yet) my Dad is drinking (I think) and my mom is in denial of her drinking and ignores my dad's drinking even though he had pancreatitis a few years ago. I'm angry. Just angry. My sister that doesn't have the "al problem" asked me if she looked drunk on Father's Day when we had a picnic. Well, I lied. I said no, when her eyes looked heavy. She's so small, a twig, she doesn't eat, then she drinks. WTF.

Last night, we went to a really cool new restaurant in town. Everyone had a glass of wine in front of them at each table. It looked so harmless. Truly harmless. I got angry at that.

Lav, what you said, "we can't control what other people think. I'm going to add that we can't control what the do either. I can't control what any of them do. Not anyone in my family.

Sarah, yes, we need to find a way to move forward, leave the past and deal with the present. We get nowhere reliving all that shit. And like Pav, and NS said, we are not unique. We all have issues of childhood, maybe some similar or not, but it's not going to do any good letting our hearts continue to hurt.

Ava, you're right. Our moms had/have a past to deal with too. I look at my mom and realize what an insecure person she is and now I feel bad. I know how my grandmother was towards her, how it made her feel, and she did some of the same to me. I can see these things, feel these things, but I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. When I say I want to move forward, that's where I'm unsure. How does one do that?

Lost, liver disease is something I've seen in my family as well as my husband. Not pretty, so I'm glad you're tapering. And also glad you've set up an appt for July 2nd.

Wag and Cupcake, I like Beachbody workouts. I have two of Chalene's programs, and just ordered her new one PiYo. Wag, I think that's so cool that you're on a canoe team.

Nar, hi! So glad you're here with us on NN. You've got lots of time, girlie, and so many good tips, pointers for newbies.

Byrdie, one will hurt us. I'm so glad my DH reinforced that to me last night when I had a weak moment.

For the first time, I took antabuse. I had a shaky night last night, and I had gotten this prescription months ago. I haven't felt this weak in a while, and I'm not taking any chances. We are going away next week on vacation, and I don't wanna blow it. So I'm going to take this while I'm feeling a bit shaky. It's just a tool.

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

Hello All , It's a beautiful crisp cold Sunday morning here with the sun lifting above the fog that settled over the lakes overnight , Winter Solstice for us and such a nice way to start the day , with a clear head .I've had the weekend to myself which is usually a trigger to drink , esp when i'm down at the lake house , but instead sat down by the fire and had a good think about what was wrong , and think I've nailed it down to long time problems with acceptance , so i'll ponder that some more .
Have a great Sunday everyone . BND .
Day 8

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

I don't post a lot , but I read a lot and all of your struggles , pain , joy and success' inspire me . Wishing you All the best .BND

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

J-vo, I ate and drank AT problems to make them go away and all I became was a fat drunk. The answer to our problems are mot in the bottom of that bottle...many are caused by it. Family is just 'one of those things' you have to learn to accept. Hubs and I were talking on the way home today, nothing I can do will make my oldest brother have a relationship with me. Nothing I do can help my second brother's crazy situation (22 cats among many other bizarre behaviors). Nothing I can do will change my greedy sister. I have never seen 4 more different people born to the same 2 people. I cannot change my childhood. What I CAN do is be the best person I can be today. So I am going to dwell and spend my time on productive things that I can control instead of WASTING and fretting over things that I cannot control. People will do what they want to do. That is a simple statement, but how true it is. No matter what I think my brothers SHOULD do, they are going to do what they WANT to do. Its that whole Serenity Prayer thing. If you cant move past it right now, agree to push it out of your head for today, and address it later. Also, beware of the pity party. Know when to leave. They are fine to throw and attend, after all, we are swimming upstream, but then let it go and turn the ship around....be GRATEFUL that you are not in the midst of adidction anymore! I thank my lucky stars for my AF days!! Be thankful that you arent waking up with the GSR Brothers. They suck. Push that thinking out, it does NO good and is harmful for our recovery.

Believe me, I have had plenty of occasions where I have felt betrayed by life, but in the great scheme of things, I have been VERY fortunate. For that, I am grateful.

Hope you feel better soon!! Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

BND,
I have a wonderful post about acceptance...it's from KTAB, hope it resonates.

Letting go.

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

Take care,
Johnny

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Byrdy , great post and very true , I've been through that doubt and process so many times . Acceptance from and by other people is why I came to drink too much , but the bottom line is still acceptance of self , it's taken 53 years but I think I've finally got there . Thanks again . BND .

[available]

Newbies Nest

Jvo we cant change our parents, they did and try to do the best they can. I swore when i had children i would not bring them up the way my parents did and i think i succeeded, they dont seem as "screwed up" as i am/was. Did you mother say what she did as a protective barrier as what you said struck a cord with her and she was put on the defensive. Remember what we were like if someone said to us "you drink too much". I used to think "no i dont, how dare you say that" and i was going to stick to that story as if my life depended on it. In my heart i knew they were right but i was so not admitting i had a problem with al. My brother had a problem with al, he died from al. I remember when i told my mother i gave up drinking at the airport in the duty free shop her response was "i wish it was smoking and i am going to drink". Well how great did that make me feel, it made me feel as if i wanted to buy a bloody bottle of scotch and drink it BUT i was not going to drink AT my mother. Instead i walked away and probably hyperventilated by taking so many deep breaths and what she said hurt but there was no way i was drinking AT anyone anymore. I was done. Since April she has not asked about if i am drinking or not, i am sure she cares but i think she is scared that i will fail and it will all turn to crap again. It wont as i wont let al into my life, i dont want to be what i was when i drank. I dont want to be a bitter woman, ashamed, defensive, guilty and alone. Sure some people dont like the sober me that does not hide behind al anymore but that is there problem not mine.

BND congrats on day 8 and what a lovely day it is in Melbourne. The only thing is for how long? I do also think acceptance is a major point with giving up al. It was so hard to accept that i could never drink again, it felt like a death sentence but once i realised that i was and am an alcoholic it became easier to deal with. Giving up is a rollercoaster ride but the end result is a wonderful bonus.

3J i totally agree that some dont like the new me without al but i certainly do. Before i used to accept what people said to not "rock the boat", now i realise that i do have an opinion and its just as important as theirs. Life sure does get better without al.

Well im off to do the washing on this glorious Sunday in Aus and sober. I remember so many times putting the washing on and leaning down and my head would just throb and pound. More Paracetamol, more coffee and bed until i felt well enough to drive to the shops to get more al and start again. So much lost but now so much gained.

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Posted by Byrdie,

I cannot change my childhood. What I CAN do is be the best person I can be today. So I am going to dwell and spend my time on productive things that I can control instead of WASTING and fretting over things that I cannot control. People will do what they want to do. That is a simple statement, but how true it is. No matter what I think my brothers SHOULD do, they are going to do what they WANT to do. Its that whole Serenity Prayer thing. If you cant move past it right now, agree to push it out of your head for today, and address it later.

This is what I needed to hear. What to do and how to do it. No, I cannot change anything. How can one change circumstances from 40 years ago? Just as we need to accept our alcoholism, we need to accept life's past and current circumstances. We have the power of only ourselves. That's it. I can feel my attitude shifting right now. If it continues to bother me later, then I'll need to deal with it later. But for now, I need to care about what I'm doing, and that's it. Thank you.:l

Ava, you're so right, too. Our parents did and do the best they can. I know what an addictive beast Al is, and I'm sorry to see my Dad has struggled with it most of his life, my younger sis is struggling with it like I did. It hurts to see. My mom and other sis have a more controlled addiction, though, but we all know how that goes. I've seen changes in Mom over the years and her tiredness that she complains about, especially recently, only points to one thing as she's been to the doctor's and they can find nothing. I won't say, "quit for 30 and see how you'll feel" as she'll get extremely defensive, and like you said, I would have felt the same way. So all I can do is pray. Pray that they can live the lifestyle that makes them happy.:h

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

It wasn't exactly a nice first day of Summer but anyway - it's here

j-vo, I have/had three brothers. One passed away last summer, one hasn't talked to me for years because I called him out on his horrendous drinking problem & the other has turned into a pompous ass know it all & I don't want to talk to him. Parents are long gone & I only have one remaining aunt who is now fairly senile. My point is - families change (for whatever reason), we can't control that either. I'm just trying to keep the good memories & letting go of the rest. Why should I bang my head on the wall because others don't behave the way I want them to behave.
Taking the Antabuse was a good step, you are thinking it all the way thru. Enjoy your vacation & be proud of yourself!

Byrdie, glad you are home safely. Sorry to hear about your nephew - hope he gets some relief soon.

ava, if some people don't like the fact that I don't drink anymore - oh well :H
That's their problem, not mine!

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Sadness and grief

Hi all,

I'm facing my first major emotional challenge since giving up AL. I just got word that my uncle passed away, and I can't stop crying. He was my mom's older brother, and our families almost grew up together - at least until I was in my mid-teens. My mom passed away a few years ago and I'm still processing that grief (didn't process it very well at the time). My uncle's passing makes me sad in and of itself, but is also triggering my grief for my mom.

After my mom passed away, the connection between my family and a lot of my extended family disintegrated. My mom was the first to pass on, even before her mother (my grandmother). I think people didn't know what to say or do, so they did nothing. It has really hurt. Even now, the news about my uncle only went out to some of the family members - one of my aunts noticed I hadn't been copied on the email and she forwarded it to me.

I am hurt and angry. I am sad and grieving. I am feeling so many things that are hard.

It's ok, I know it's part of life and I am determined to face life on its own terms, not numb myself.

I won't drink. I won't. But I could use some support.

[available]

Newbies Nest

hey wag im so sorry to hear about your uncle and sad to say we cant pick who our family are. Keep those happy memories of your uncle and treasure them. You can only work through your grief slowly and maybe now it is time to grieve your mum fully. You are just as important as your other family, dont forget that, dont let them ignore you, you dont deserve that. My father has not spoken to me for 20+ years but that has never stopped me from attending a family funeral. He is the lesser person and a total hypocrite to boot, telling me i should not have been at my brothers funeral, it was about the only time he had been there for my brother. Life goes on Wag and i know you wont drink AT anyone.

I hope this is the start of you healing even if it is not in circumstances we wish for. You do what you feel is right, not what others demand of you. I dont know really what to say but i am sending you extra huge hugs and i know you will be okay. you are a strong, wonderful person who deserves all life has to offer Wag, never forget that. xxxx

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Wag I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you sound strong in your commitment to be AF through this. And the emotions you are going through are going to help you heal. As alcoholics, we've used AL to mask or dull feelings. Some might view AL as "numbing" the pain, but AL actually robs us of our perfectly human need to deeply feel the loss and go through the healthy process of all the steps associated with grieving. Keep reminding yourself that your deep emotions over the loss of your uncle are normal for a sober person! If this is the first time you've felt grief over a personal loss without using AL, the feelings are going to be much more intense -- and you could very well experience renewed grief over past losses when you did use AL to get through those losses. Hang in there. And again, I'm very sorry for your loss. :l

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Pavati;1674371 wrote: Morning Nest. It feels so great to wake up after a great, anxiety-free sleep, and have a cup of coffee that isn't competing with a giant headache and a great deal of remorse.

I post this here from time to time - I think it is helpful for all of us, but your post made me think of it, Sarah.

"We felt different... Only after surrender are we able to overcome the alienation of addiction."
Basic Text, p. 22

"But you don't understand!" we spluttered, trying to cover up. "I'm different! I've really got it rough!" We used these lines over and over in our active addiction, either trying to escape the consequences of our actions or avoid following the rules that applied to everyone else. We may have cried them at our first meeting. Perhaps we've even caught ourselves whining them recently.

So many of us feel different or unique. As addicts, we can use almost anything to alienate ourselves. But there's no excuse for missing out on recovery, nothing that can make us ineligible for the program- not a life-threatening illness, not poverty, not anything. There are thousands of addicts who have found recovery despite the real hardships they've faced. Through working the program, their spiritual awareness has grown, in spite of-or perhaps in response to those hardships.

Our individual circumstances and differences are irrelevant when it comes to recovery. By letting go of our uniqueness and surrendering to this simple way of life, we're bound to find that we feel a part of something. And feeling a part of something gives us the strength to walk through life, hardships and all.

Just for Today: I will let go of my uniqueness and embrace the principles of recovery I have in common with so many others. My hardships do not exclude me from recovery; rather, they draw me into it.


Happy Sober Saturday,
Pav

LOVE this Pav! Thank you!!

Love, Sarah

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, all:

Sorry J-Vo about your struggles and glad you TTFP (where IS that K9??). I agree with what everyone said here - we don't choose our families, and we can't control others. That second point saved my marriage to a very wonderful person - I was trying to make him be what I thought he SHOULD be (there's that word), and it turns out he didn't want to be something different than himself. My acceptance of that (and subsequent laying off of the nitpicking) has meant that we don't have strained interactions all of the time. On the contrary, my acceptance that I can't change my sister, a frustrating and selfish person, meant that I sort of lost that relationship. I couldn't change her, I am not going to drive myself crazy trying to get along with her just because we are related, and so we have a different relationship. I have several non-blood friends who are a lot closer to me than she is - and I have finally accepted that as being O.K.

Wags - so sorry for your loss. Death can be a strange thing - we don't talk about it a lot, and they ways in which individual people grieve can be at cross purposes sometimes. My husband's best friend died, and he had a permanent rift with his then girlfriend because she wanted him to grieve in the way she was, and that wasn't what he needed to do. My point is, accept the sadness but maybe try to forget feeling slighted. We are here for YOU whatever you need.

This made me think of something else. When I first started posting on MWO I would feel slighted sometimes. I poured my heart into posts that no one commented on, and I sometimes felt left out of ongoing jokes. I realized, however, that we're all doing this at our own pace, and sometimes posts have resonance with some people, and sometimes people are busy and the post just gets lost. Sometimes I'm in on a joke, and sometimes I miss it. I thought of this earlier today because of something I read here (for the life of me I can't remember what), and wanted to make that comment to the Newbies. If you don't get what support you need the first time, come back and ask. No one is trying to snub anyone else (well, I guess there have been some kerfluffles, but in general, we're all here to get and give support).

Pardon my Saturday night ramblings.

Sleep tight, all. Get ready for the Super Sunday Shoutouts tomorrow - loud and proud.

Pav

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good Sunday morning Nesters,

Very sorry for your loss Wag. Sending you strength to grieve for your uncle & your Mom as well :l AL only interferes with the process but you seem to understand that already.

Pav, I think our different time zones & general busyness have a lot to do with our ability to respond to all of the wonderful posts. I know I read something every single day that means a lot to me

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF second day of summer!

Lav