Newbies Nest

[paulywogg]

Newbies Nest

Beautiful post Luckyflower

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nesters!
Ava, good luck with your doggie....they are such special friends!!
Lucky Flower, I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you! Thank you for the kind words! If I can help anyone get out of this pit of doom, I will do it. I have no idea how I got there either! Hell, I don't even cuss! It really was like living a double life....no thanks. It became much MORE work to keep up the misery. Done and done! Please come back in 5 days to get your Bird Award! XO

Hope everyone has a good day, good luck at the dr's, Sarah!! Let us know!
Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Luckyflower;1675168 wrote: You see I was thinking about the ?lost? hours to drinking home alone. I have done (still do) a lot of soul searching. Trying to understand how a rational person like me let this poison take over and control me and it?s tough to come up with the right answer.

Great to hear from you, Luckyflower. You sound so good and strong in your new life. :goodjob:

This part of your post struck me because I have written similar words more than once around here.

I think the "answer" is that we didn't "let this poison take over". That suggests that we were in control. We weren't. Alcohol was. This is essentially the definition of an addictive substance.

It is true that we all made the choice to start consuming alcohol. I didn't make that choice until sometime well into my 30s so I regret that I didn't just maintain the naturally AF condition but my peers enjoyed wine and at some point I joined in on this apparently benign, relaxing, sophisticated, health-promoting activity .

I don't think we should blame ourselves for being seduced by something that, until you know otherwise, seems to be a good thing.

But, with enough exposure in the right person (probably all of us who are here), there is a point at which it no longer is a choice whether to drink and it is the rare person who realizes that line has been crossed before it is too late. Control has been lost.

Like you, I tend to be a very rational, linear, logical person (sorry, J-vo, but I've never been called giddy :H). I have plenty of will-power in other areas of my life and I'd like to believe I have strong morals. So I don't think my inability to simply quit drinking was due to a lack of will-power or a character defect. I was addicted.

I spent a great deal of time beating myself up for "letting this happen". Now I'm spending time letting that go. I hope you do, too (That Disney song goes through my head whenever I think about this - glad I like the song since it comes up pretty often ).

:h NS

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

NoSugar, I hope you weren't trying to keep your birfday a secret. Somehow it just slipped out.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:day6:

XXXOO, B

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

MAE Nesters,
I was reading a blog last night, and next to the blog was a list of other blogs. I randomly clicked on one and came across a bunch of reading material that this woman had in her library. One of the books, can't remember the title, was about a woman who would frequently get sloppy drunk along with co-workers and decided she wanted to quit drinking for a year. She wrote a book based on this, but then she decided to go back to moderating. This caught my eye (her going back to moderation) because it tells me that there's still this tiny little voice in me saying, "look, she did it...I'm gonna get that book, read it, and maybe I can be like her." Wow. This disease is wicked. Those kinds of thoughts are dangerous!!!!! The thought I had last night tells me I need to be on my game even more. As NS warned me, maybe that works for some people, but not me, and if you're here on this site, not you either! Addiction is evil and it can mess you up for life. Even people who claim to be moderating struggle. It's mentally draining! Thanks for listening...

Luckyflower, thanks for that lovely post and congratulations on your 95 days! I agree with everything you said. Really, I'll take boring "at times" over GSR, depression, anxiety and all the sucked the life out of me. We just have to keep remembering that this is/was an addiction and to stay away forever.

Happy Birthday NS!!!!!

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Lucky Flower I loved your post, I drank in the same sort of way at the end.... hours and hours of isolation drinking alone.

Sarah 42 Really glad you have an appointment with doctor, maybe he/she will be able to help with the anxiety issues, with meds or counselling?? or alternative approach maybe?
Hope you feel calmer soon, I know how horrid it is to be anxious.

Dila hang on in there you had a fairly long stretch recently so you know you can do it again.

NS Happy Birthday, how did you celebrate, what sugar free delights did you eat?

Thanks to everyone who has been thinking of me and has sent messages in the nest wishing me well in my recovery. Luckily I no longer crave alcohol at all , since the first of May I knew that was the end of all that horror. On 7th May I was diagnosed with cancer, being sober has been liberating, brought me much closer with several friends, also has helped me cope with cancer, if I was drinking now things would be very different. I would have spent a lot more time weeping and wailing and wouldn't have had the presence of mind to deal with this as constructively as I can .... eg big administrative hospital errors with appointments etc. Also investigating all sorts of headwear, bras, complimentary healing etc. Also being sober I am able to do the exercises I have been given to build up movement range in breast area.The next big challenge is chemotherapy, that for me will be tough but my consultant has said it is essential. When I am really well and through all of this I am going away on a lovely holiday!! xx

[Cupcake]

Newbies Nest

Hello everyone. Just reading the posts here and staying close to the nest. Even though I haven't posted every day I am thinking of you all and the positive vibes. I'm on day 8 (have to keep keep counting on my fingers, there must be an easier way!). Have been so much more productive already in this short time, and feeling calmer. Time for a relax and a bit of reading. Also listened to some Bubble Hour podcasts today which. I really like!

Thinking of you all. Have a great evening/day, wherever you are. Xxx

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Happy birthday nosugar ..

[Dila]

Newbies Nest

Juja;1675256 wrote: Good morning.

I need to have MWO attached to my hip. :upset: I wonder if there's an app for that?

DD>So very good to see you. Thank you for checking in. We've missed you, and were very concerned about you.

Sarah>I hope you're okay....

Dila>Good going on day 2. Afraid I didn't make it--too nervous. I have to wonder why I'm here....

Loving, wonderful words in the nest, as usual.

Juju, we have all had several Day 1. I know I had many in just the last few weeks. Keep trying and keep staying here. I am a stress drinker but I keep thinking about how good I feel when I do not drink. Thought about having a drink all the way home from work, one only one! But we all know how that goes. Will not do it.

Last night I got one of my new tall ice tea glasses and filled it with selzer water and a lemon. It worked. I have to think of ideas like that.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Start again. I did now I'm on Day 3. We can do this together.

:h

[Dila]

Newbies Nest

NS - Happy Birthday! Hope you had a nice day.

Lucky - Congrats on 95! That is a great accomplishment.

DD - Glad you are doing well.

Sarah - Stay strong. I have been so down and stressed lately but I just said no more, enough with the pity party. I want to be healthy, sober and in shape. I have made excuses too long, now I have to work at it. Hope all is ok and your doctor helps.

Cupcake - Day 8 - good job. First week is hard. I am right behind you.

J-vo, Jane, Lav, Byrdie, Ava & Wag, thanks for always being here and supporting all of us!

[Lostinspace]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters! I apologize that I haven't had much time to keep up with this thread the last couple days - things have been especially busy and stressful and I haven't had much time. Just wanted to give a quick update. I've actually stuck with my taper down plan the last two days after getting stuck at the same level for several days in a row. If I keep up with the plan from here on out, I'll be AF by Saturday I hope you're all doing well and will catch up on reading here when I get a chance.

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Cupcake,
Sounds like you're working a good plan. The Bubble Hour does have great guests and topics. That's a perfect thing to do and you can relax while you do that!

LIS, glad you're sticking to your taper. Sounds as though you're more confident in yourself at this point. You can do this!

DD, so great to see you post. I'm sure you're not feeling physically comfortable, but I think that beginning your sobriety journey a week prior to the diagnosis was a gift. You were able face this without struggling mentally, as you had to have the strength for the surgery and recovery. The sobriety was meant to be at that time. xxoo

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Happy Birthday NS.

Cupcake- I post everyday in roll call otherwise I would lose track. I am so busy. I am on day 26 and I am counting down to my first 30 days. WOO HOO!! Never thought I could go more than 3 or 4 days. I'm a happy girl.

J-VO- Excellent post. That is one thing I am afraid of. If I see moderation stories I click them off. I don't want to read anything that makes moderation provocative to me. I am too new to being AF and I sometimes don't feel as strong as I want to.

DD, good luck with your upcoming treatment. I wish you the best.

Please forgive me if I forgot someone. I try to speed read and post. Gosh this week is busy. Peace and strength to you nesters.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Cherokeer and J-Vo
Out if curiousity, I googled that article ( I have seen it before). I wanted to see if there was a follow up....to see if that author had actually been able to moderate since going back to drinking....I couldnt find anything, but I found plenty of articles regarding people who had finally quit and how thier lives had changed after a year. I can tell you, I have been here for 4+ Years, I have never seen ONE person return to drinking who didnt regret it. A LOT. I cant imagine going back.....why? WHY? There is nothing GOOD about it. I am 1000 times more relaxed now than I ever was after a drink. I am MORE social. I dont have night sweats any more. i have saved over $12,500. I don't have panic attacks. I remember what I tell people. i am realiable. My relationships are better. i have lost weight. I look forward to life and cherish it. I am LIVING not just existing. I believe in myself. My blood pressure is down and I am off 3 meds. I am not depressed. My hair is thicker and healthier. I dont have heartburn and acid reflux anymore. I sleep thru the night. I am happy. All of these things are the result of one thing: I stopped drinking for good. I would challenge anyone who is trying to moderate or in deniel of this problem to match my list. I am not willing to give up any of these things anymore....just for a lousy drink? NO thanks, I know when I'm beat, and AL just about took it all. AL wins every time. Dont be fooled by the moderating stories, there is always 'the rest of the story!' And it usually ends the same way. BADLY.

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Sorry to get you fired up Byrdie. I don't know if it was residual feelings of deprivation from this past weekend, and when I read that small bit, it just stirred up a few neurons and they started to dance. That's how I've fallen before. Hard. By believing bullshit like that. By letting myself follow anything that talks about how much better they are now that they're moderating. It's not good for me to even consider reading. It should be off limits in my library. It is off limits.

When people say they have their life back, the one they had before they drank, I almost cry at that thought. I was never happy with myself. I had a poor self-image, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression. Then alcoholism. Sometimes I think, "why do I have to have this one more thing when I've already had all that other shit? It's just not fair!" But I do. And I need to own it. I wanna know what it feels like to be comfortable in my own skin. I know it's not too late. And it's not too late for anyone here.