Newbies Nest

[Londoner]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Available - your words always help.

That thought - that I need to give up forever - is finally ringing true. AL makes me end up placed I wouldn't be sober. It makes me feel guilt. I can't hold a decent conversation with anyone, as I feel defensive all of the time. It really is the catalyst for all that is bad in my life.

I am going to look into the process of what leads up to a relapse. What is the process that leads up to that first drink?

This is it. I need to hit that 90 day mark. These relapses are getting to me more and more on an emotional and energy level.

This is not living. You are an inspiration with you 7 month streak.

That 90 day mark is the goal. By that time, it appears that time has healed my memories and my body. I can live an honest life by that time.

90 single days. That's my way of looking at it.

[available]

Newbies Nest

One day at a time London is all we can do. I could not get my head around "forever", i could be the only one to successfully moderate and drink. Oh yep right. Us alcoholics cannot ever moderate, we are addicted, plain and simple. At the end of my drinking career i remember staggering into my sons room to ask for a can of bourbon (i hate bourbon) and even in my drunk state i can remember swaying and repeating myself and i was so ashamed and guilty that i could be like this in front of his friends that this was my life. Of course he has forgotten all about that episode but there are many he doesnt forget. so many conversations repeated 10 times by me until they told me to shutup. So much shame and guilt that i could not function, that i was isolating myself more and more so i could drink, losing everything i held dear so i could drink and it didnt make me happy but it did take me to where i did not have to face life. Now i face life every single day and believe me London when (not if) you get to 90+ days you will see the benefits and never ever want to go back. Sure its not easy, its hard, f**king hard, virtually impossible some days but those are the days that you come on here and post, those are the days you stay safe away from al, those are the days you talk to that inner voice that is enticing you to drink and tell it to f**k off. The voice is what you dont give into or you have lost and al has won. If you win against that voice you are winning London. Relapse is about giving in. To me giving up al has taken all my strength and determination and willpower that i have ever had to use. It has taken time, being on here and reading and posting, deciding will i go out and be around al or not. Am i strong enough to do that and deal with al being in my face. if I am unsure the answer will always be no. Changing my routine so that the bottle shops are closed when i went out. Its all about planning so that al doesnt win in the early days. I know you can do 90 days London, when you were on here daily before you found it hard but you also were determined and you can do it again and be proud and happy. To me now al is nothing, i hate al, i hate reading stories on here of what al does to people but i know it can be done as i have done it but i will always be vigilant in this fight. Hes an arsehole and he can come calling at any time.

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Last night I had another battle......this one was probably my closest call. There was no reason to my thinking except I really wanted wine.....I found myself trying to get rid of my daughters; asked them if they wanted to go to the cinema - wanted to escape to buy wine but didn't want them to know.
Finally accepting that it wasn't going to happen, I asked them to go to the shop to buy me crisps, ice-cream and cigs.
While they were gone the feeling that had overtaken me seemed to abate....calmer and more clear-thinking. In the midst of the madness I was telling myself I would pick one night a week and stick to it, only drink 3 glasses at a time, only drink when out of the house......but yet (if my daughters had went out) there I was, willing to give up all I had worked for to sneak in wine. There was no choice of night, no company, no going out.....so before I even had that first drink, every rule I made for myself before that first drink had been already broken......again, a big eye-opener that control is lost before I started!
I ate my goodies and smoked my cigs.....this morning I cannot believe what a close call it was!
And to anyone mid-craving........the relief and gratitude I feel today cannot be described!

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Londoner,
NS shares a good relapse thread. Maybe she can repost here?

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Birdie, I agree with you. I can't moderate but and that's why I don't want to read stories about successful moderation. I don't want my AL brain to say "see you can have a drink, they did, its okay". Some days I want to drink and when I do the most I read thorough MWO and remind myself why I stopped. It's like when your dieting and you read a story about a person losing weight eating chocolate and ice cream. Sounds enticing to someone who isn't eating something they previously over ate and it would be so easy to talk yourself into "I can do that too". That's why I do not read those stories, ever. My own form of preventative maintenance.

I'm within 3 days of my first 30 days. I am already comfortable coming home every night and never thinking about drinking. Social situations are still a work in progress. But I have only had about 4 of them to deal with and only 2 of the 4 were difficult. But I lived life for 38 out of my 45 years never drinking, its time to live life without AL. I wish I had never picked up that first damn glass.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Good on you Daisy for not drinking. When that thought/urge hits, it hits like a freight train going at full speed. Oh the modding thought, i like that! Which night were you going to pick? I always wanted the day ending in a Y, ha ha. So proud of you girl. Did you not want to post on here though or were you hell bent on hopefully getting that wine in? I used to say to my children that "i would kill for a wine" and they would always say "no you dont". that seemed to be enough for my thought process to change direction to thinking that they were right about that one. Can you tell your girls when you have these thoughts? I am sure your girls would have figured it out the next day and who wants to go to day 1 again.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters & Happy Hump day!

Hot, humid & overcast around these parts, oh well. I have lots of indoor projects to keep me out of trouble

Welcome back FF & Londoner! You both know what you need to do. Don't worry right now about analyzing everything, just stop drinking & focus on your sobriety & health. The rest will all become clear in the coming months.

Sarah, glad you found some help for your anxiety. Kicking AL out of your life will help tremendously, you'll see.

Daisy, don't allow those AL thoughts to linger in your head & torture you - it's all BS!
Recognize the thought for what it is & give it a swift kick. Distract yourself with something else. It worked for me so I know it will work for you

Greetings to everyone - have a great AF Wednesday all!

Lav

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

I was so convinced I didn't want to come here or tell my girls - it was gonna happen no matter what! That is the scary thing for me.....I am so stubborn! And to be caught up in the moment and lose the sense even to come here.....why tell everyone when I just want to drink? Because to come here would mean I didn't and all that logic was down the toilet.....
There was a something holding me back....I did remember that I felt this way before and was glad the next day, so holding back for one more day .......my girl's faces....
It scared me just how much control can be lost so quickly.....freight train is a good way of putting it!

[available]

Newbies Nest

Daisy please please please if you have those thoughts come on here and post, you have such a great lot of days up. God i am stubborn also, share the same birthday as hitler and am an aries. no hope for me but i was also stubborn enough to tell al to pee off so turn your stubborness towards al and dont give in to him. Seeing the look of my eldest daughter if i drank would break my heart, it broke my heart the looks she used to give me when i drank and i could never face that look in her eyes again by picking up one drink. Ever!

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Ava - I will make that a must for next time ......and there will be a next time; that is what I know....I can go days, weeks and BAM! I don't have to be down or have a bad day, just comes out of the blue!
I am sensible, know what I want, enjoy being AF and yet look what can happen......glad I didn't.....but, as for each time, growing........

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Daisy,

Please don't set yourself up to fail. You're writing like this is a force outside of yourself that you can't control. You can! It is alwaysyour choice to drink or not drink. It might be tougher to do the right thing some times compared to others but you have the power.

If you don't trust yourself to come here and get help when the beast part of your brain is seizing control, maybe you need to have someone nearby to help you. I'm not sure how old your daughters are but unless they are quite young, perhaps one of them could handle the responsibility. Or do you have a neighbor who you could trust who would come over and help you through it?

Please be especially vigilant right now - it seems that once we start hearing that voice, even if we manage to ignore it one day, it gets louder and louder.

Don't give up all you've gained!

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

No, I don't intend to NoSugar - better to say today what happened than not at all.....the relief I feel today should be extra ammunition to give myself the kick to go to MWO mid-madness.....
My daughters are all young adults - them just being around was the final decision made.

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Sarah42 - glad your doc was able to help, and I hope you feel better soon

Daisy - excellent job resisting through such a strong temptation. One of my friends is also trying to go AF, and she has made a rule for herself that she must contact either me or her husband (he's supportive) before she drinks. The thinking is that: a) the added knowledge that she won't be able to "sneak" drinks privately will dissuade her, b) the added time it'll take to reach one of us will allow time for the urge to pass, and c) one of us will have a chance to help talk her thru the urge. Basically a threefold enhancement of her resistance. Maybe consider something like this or for sure come on here first.

FF and Londoner - I think most of us can relate to feelings of shame or just wanting to lurk quietly after a slip. Please know that this is one place you can show up with 100% honesty. No judgement, just understanding, support, and perhaps some suggestions if you want them.

Regarding neurotransmitters being out of whack, that has been one of my biggest challenges for years and it truly sucks. More than a decade ago I was on opioid pain meds for about 4 years. When I finally got off of them, my neurotransmitter system was totally screwed up and seemed irreparable. Only recently have I made some progress. The things that have helped me the most and might be worth looking into:

- Exercise, especially intense stuff like intervals
- Healthy diet/nutrition, avoiding processed foods and sugar as much as possible
- Amino acid therapy (for starters check out Julia Ross's books: The Mood Cure and The Diet Cure)
- Low-Dose Naltrexone (LDN) therapy

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Samstone;1675502 wrote: hhmmmm
moderating is for people who can moderate. Moderating for people who like to drink abusively is a joke.

Totally, Sam ? Either we have a problem or we don?t. Moderation means normal drinking. It's like an occasional shoplifter saying they are not actually a shoplifter but are practicing "theft moderation". There?s no middle ground. There's no difference between announcing that I have decided to try moderation and announcing that I have decided to try to be normal. It's not my choice to be normal and never will be, because the normal train left the station years ago and isn't ever coming back. My choices are to be a drunk or be sober. Normal isn't on the damn table, period.

Diila ? good job with the ice tea and seltzer! A routine I've begun that's worked for me is using the $$ I used to spend on booze to buy really, really nice loose-leaf tea (Teavana store here) and after dinner and dishes, making a tea-ball of the most lovely stuff you can imagine and sipping that heavenly stuff all evening. It's become the same sort of reward that booze used to be for me after a long day.

Sarah ? I?m with Ava. My anxiety was caused by my alcoholism. I'm all for meds and still take them, but the meds won't work if you keep drinking. I kept drinking. My experience was that the side effects of the meds caused a whole new slew of problems, not the least of which was weight gain, which led to high blood-pressure, which led to high blood pressure meds, which led to more new horrible side effects including being border-line diabetic. These problems made everything worse and made me want to drink more and more and more. Which I did. I hope the meds do help you stop drinking - a few people have had that experience. Just be careful you don't medicate the symptoms without treating the disease, and the ONLY treatment is to stop drinking.

Daisy ? way to go! The cravings DO go away gradually, and even when they hit you like a truck if you can get through that 30 minutes or so you'll continue to be so proud of yourself, which you deserve to be! :goodjob:

Cheers to all!

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Frances -- I went to Roll Call and was momentarily confused by your 12 Days, which would have been the fastest relapse-slash-recovery I've ever seen on this site! Its been a few days since I was here, but I knew it hadn't been that long -- Although I knew there was NO CHANCE you would relapse on your Day 120, so I added the zero back onto your 12 for you, which somehow was dropped in earlier posts. Because you totally deserve that beautiful zero!!!

Anyway, congratulations for 120 days Frances!!! That's 4 months or 1/4 year with a brand new sober wonderful life! :goodjob: