Newbies Nest

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

Lost, I can't wait to congratulate you for Day 1.

Rahul, maybe you just got up on the wrong side of the bed. No big deal. It will pass.

Lavande, my only change in plan is to come here when I want to drink. I have to keep things simple, as my life feels so out of control right now. I have little energy to put into anything except to get through my days. That's another reason I was going to abandon ship.

Dila, thank you for your support. You understand.:h

Nighters all.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Dil, im sorry about your loss. It breaks my heart when i hear of young people dying so pointlessly but to them it obviously isnt pointless. I always realise how lucky I am with my children as as parents we are never supposed to bury a child. Hugs Dil.

Lost believe in what you are doing and keep it up. One more day woo hoo and off you go the roll call to post your af days (if you want that is). I have always been a bit cynical about tapering, probably as i know i cant possibly do it so to see what you have achieved is great and without any major withdrawals. Be proud girl and dont give into al's tantrums to get you to drink. Think of him as a toddler demanding something and you giving all the determination you possess to say no and winning.

[Fat fella]

Newbies Nest

Checking in briefly on day 4. Will post more tonight when home, but just want to say to my pal Dila, Lost, Londoner and Juja, lets all get through this weekend and still be here on Monday. We can all do this if we are strong. We are all here for each other, even if it takes a few hours to read a post and get chance to reply. Friday night is my worst night, so I grabbed my gym stuff before I ran out of the door this morning, and will spend the two hours after work in there rather than at home drinking.

Hope everyone has a great AF Friday!

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Ava, you sure have a way with words. [/U]I think its hard to accept that we are irritable and cranky instead of having a glass of wine and shutting the feelings out.[/U] Jeez, I thought I was so easy going!

Oh my Gosh, I said those very words out loud. I truly would shut completely down. Through down glasses until I didn't care. WTH! How did I get to the point where I didn't even feel I could be in a bad mood.

Dila, sorry to hear about your friend. My father-in-law killed himself in our garage. My mother in-in law died of cancer and 2 years later he took his life. It's devastating for those left behind. My brother-in-law was only 12 at the time and I was 7 months pregnant with our first child.

Wag, good plan, we have a big 4th of July party of where the main event is drinking. I am going (SIGH) but I am not drinking. I'll be watching everyone acting like a bunch of dumb asses. Thank God I am retired. It will be 50 questions-why, why, why aren't you drinking. I am already getting them. I'm starting to get pissed. I don't drink anymore. I don't owe anyone a detailed explanation nor do I need your approval not to drink. F#@$%! OFF! Sorry your drinking buddy is retired, sorry you still abuse alcohol, sorry I make uncomfortable because in the back of your mind you know you might have a problem too. Wow, where did that come from?? LOL Guess I am getting a little annoyed with my old social group.

Why can't we kayak without alcohol? Why can't we do anything without alcohol? People that drink are so annoying. Who knew?

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Lostwell done on the tapering, that is great, I bet you are now looking forward to being AF. I tapered successfully a couple of times in the past when I was afraid of withdrawals but I found it very difficult to do.
Dila That is so sad about your friend's son. How is she coping?
Fat Fella I know you will get sober and stay sober, we started off as quads on Dec 28th, you, me, Winterwalk and Hypernova (none of us managed it then!!) However I am sure we will all do it. This time round has been so different for me, my first AF day was 1st May and I knew that this was it...... my time to be sober forever. I don't crave it at all now as I can see how limiting and damaging it was for me. I had the obsession for so many years it is lovely to be free of it.
Feeling really fed up at the moment......... in quite a lot of pain, endless hospital appointments (I did three in one day yesterday at two different hospitals) really miss the mobility, no driving or carrying shopping... but also it hurts a bit to lie down or stand up straight, these things do bug me. Also I have to change my own dressings now which is difficult as I don't like to look, it is not pretty after a mastectomy and failed reconstruction. Had a lot of pain the other day and GP sent me to A and E, spent a few hours there, various tests. Chemotherapy starts soon, absolutely dreading this, I know it is life saving but I do not want to lose my hair or have that feeling of utter exhaustion. After that I have to have Radiotherapy and then after that take a pill every day for five years. Some of the side effects of the pill can be quite a strain on the body, it can thin your bones so osteoporosis is a risk. All I do at the moment is going from one medical appointment to another, feel very depressed and out of control of my life. I am still waiting for councelling. The last few days I have felt really very low. I feel sad as I feel I have lost my real self, this does not feel like a phase either, it feels like forever as I know the pill I will have to take has several severe side effects that could well affect the rest of my life. Haven't been well enough to do anything or go out for ages..... sick of it.

On a more upbeat note I am utterly thrilled to be out of hospital.
xxxxx

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

DD, here's a hug for you :l
I know things seem really hard right now but they won't always be. Please do your best to be as kind to yourself as possible. I love to delve into some guided meditations when I am feeling helpless or a bit lost, they really help center me. Try some of the online Chopra meditations - I love David Ji's voice - very soothing

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Friday!
No matter how tough it seems now we are all working toward a better future & we're doing it together

Lav

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

DD, and another hug:l. Since I can't speak to what you're going through, I won't say anything except be good to yourself, and know we love you. It may be one foot in front of the other for awhile, but you can do it. I have been there with depression, and came to understand that phrase in its literal sense. If I made it through, you can too.:h

Okay, so its FF, Lost, Dila, Londoner and me for the weekend. I'm nervous. All we have to do is get through the weekend.

My husband wants me to go on a day trip with him on Sunday. I don't want to go, I'm uncomfortable when with him, but I'd feel guilty hurting his feelings by saying no. If I do go, I'll drink at dinner out of nervousness and avoidance. I suppose there are 3 things here which need addressing: 1. I'm not responsible for his feelings. 2. Protect my quit. 3. Do what makes me happy.

After reading Cherokeer's :l post, I am reminded of how many people have been touched by suicide. The brain and heart can only take so much before they must be silenced, and the devastation left behind is forever. Lose-lose.

Check in later....

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Juja, I am confused on your relationship with your hubs/or soon to be, EX?
Are you trying to save the marriage or leave it? Part of this journey we are on is taking control back of our lives. Is this a GUILT TRIP? Is he 'guilting' you into going on Sunday? If you don't want to go and feel it will jeopardize your quit, don't go! I have a post I saved about 9 behaviors strong people have...let me go see if I can find that. Maybe you have noticed in some of the longer term AF'ers, they seem to HAVE A VOICE now...whereas before they were led around by the ____s. This is not a coincidence! We must be strong in our convictions to say NO! If a situation puts my quit in harms way it is not negotiable! Just say NO. Our quits must be priority one. Yes, above ALL else because without that quit, everything else crumbles. Nothing is more important than my quit. Nothing.

Hope everyone has a great Friday....it's just another day in the week, not a free pass to Boozeville. You are not alone! All of us will be right here! Celebrating our Independence from ALCOHOL!!! XO, Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

13 Things Mentally Strong People Avoid

Well, I was close, it wasn't 9 things, it was 13! (my lucky number!)

Mentally Strong People: The 13 Things They Avoid


We can define mental strength by identifying the things mentally strong individuals don?t do. Over the weekend, I was impressed by this list compiled by Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, that she shared in LifeHack. It impressed me enough I?d also like to share her list here along with my thoughts on how each of these items is particularly applicable to entrepreneurs.

1. Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves. You don?t see mentally strong people feeling sorry for their circumstances or dwelling on the way they?ve been mistreated. They have learned to take responsibility for their actions and outcomes, and they have an inherent understanding of the fact that frequently life is not fair. They are able to emerge from trying circumstances with self-awareness and gratitude for the lessons learned. When a situation turns out badly, they respond with phrases such as ?Oh, well.? Or perhaps simply, ?Next!?

2. Give Away Their Power. Mentally strong people avoid giving others the power to make them feel inferior or bad. They understand they are in control of their actions and emotions. They know their strength is in their ability to manage the way they respond.

3. Shy Away from Change. Mentally strong people embrace change and they welcome challenge. Their biggest ?fear,? if they have one, is not of the unknown, but of becoming complacent and stagnant. An environment of change and even uncertainty can energize a mentally strong person and bring out their best.

4. Waste Energy on Things They Can?t Control. Mentally strong people don?t complain (much) about bad traffic, lost luggage, or especially about other people, as they recognize that all of these factors are generally beyond their control. In a bad situation, they recognize that the one thing they can always control is their own response and attitude, and they use these attributes well.

5. Worry About Pleasing Others. Know any people pleasers? Or, conversely, people who go out of their way to dis-please others as a way of reinforcing an image of strength? Neither position is a good one. A mentally strong person strives to be kind and fair and to please others where appropriate, but is unafraid to speak up. They are able to withstand the possibility that someone will get upset and will navigate the situation, wherever possible, with grace.

It takes much practice to hone mental strength
It takes much practice to hone mental strength

6. Fear Taking Calculated Risks. A mentally strong person is willing to take calculated risks. This is a different thing entirely than jumping headlong into foolish risks. But with mental strength, an individual can weigh the risks and benefits thoroughly, and will fully assess the potential downsides and even the worst-case scenarios before they take action.

7. Dwell on the Past. There is strength in acknowledging the past and especially in acknowledging the things learned from past experiences?but a mentally strong person is able to avoid miring their mental energy in past disappointments or in fantasies of the ?glory days? gone by. They invest the majority of their energy in creating an optimal present and future.

8. Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over. We all know the definition of insanity, right? It?s when we take the same actions again and again while hoping for a different and better outcome than we?ve gotten before. A mentally strong person accepts full responsibility for past behavior and is willing to learn from mistakes. Research shows that the ability to be self-reflective in an accurate and productive way is one of the greatest strengths of spectacularly successful executives and entrepreneurs.

9. Resent Other People?s Success. It takes strength of character to feel genuine joy and excitement for other people?s success. Mentally strong people have this ability. They don?t become jealous or resentful when others succeed (although they may take close notes on what the individual did well). They are willing to work hard for their own chances at success, without relying on shortcuts.

10. Give Up After Failure. Every failure is a chance to improve. Even the greatest entrepreneurs are willing to admit that their early efforts invariably brought many failures. Mentally strong people are willing to fail again and again, if necessary, as long as the learning experience from every ?failure? can bring them closer to their ultimate goals.

11. Fear Alone Time. Mentally strong people enjoy and even treasure the time they spend alone. They use their downtime to reflect, to plan, and to be productive. Most importantly, they don?t depend on others to shore up their happiness and moods. They can be happy with others, and they can also be happy alone.

12. Feel the World Owes Them Anything. Particularly in the current economy, executives and employees at every level are gaining the realization that the world does not owe them a salary, a benefits package and a comfortable life, regardless of their preparation and schooling. Mentally strong people enter the world prepared to work and succeed on their merits, at every stage of the game.

13. Expect Immediate Results. Whether it?s a workout plan, a nutritional regimen, or starting a business, mentally strong people are ?in it for the long haul?. They know better than to expect immediate results. They apply their energy and time in measured doses and they celebrate each milestone and increment of success on the way. They have ?staying power.? And they understand that genuine changes take time. Do you have mental strength? Are there elements on this list you need more of? With thanks to Amy Morin, I would like to reinforce my own abilities further in each of these areas today. How about you?

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Fat fella;1676278 wrote: Friday night is my worst night, so I grabbed my gym stuff before I ran out of the door this morning, and will spend the two hours after work in there rather than at home drinking.

Yes FF - you all can do it this weekend and still be here Monday. I think it's smart to band together, and please know we're ALL here to support you and one another. Great plan for Friday evening - hopefully that will set the tone for your weekend.

Cherokeer;1676309 wrote: I'm starting to get pissed. I don't drink anymore. I don't owe anyone a detailed explanation nor do I need your approval not to drink. F#@$%! OFF! Sorry your drinking buddy is retired, sorry you still abuse alcohol, sorry I make uncomfortable because in the back of your mind you know you might have a problem too. Wow, where did that come from?? LOL Guess I am getting a little annoyed with my old social group.

Why can't we kayak without alcohol? Why can't we do anything without alcohol? People that drink are so annoying. Who knew?
Cherokeer - so sorry to hear about your FIL taking his own life. I think this type of loss is one of the most devastating experiences for those who are left behind to process, especially when a child loses a parent that way. :l

On a different note, I love your feisty attitude about the upcoming party and your old social group. Had to laugh out loud at your "Who knew?" comment at the end. :H Go get 'em!!!


Darkest Diamond;1676313 wrote:
Feeling really fed up at the moment......... in quite a lot of pain, endless hospital appointments (I did three in one day yesterday at two different hospitals) really miss the mobility, no driving or carrying shopping... but also it hurts a bit to lie down or stand up straight, these things do bug me.
...All I do at the moment is going from one medical appointment to another, feel very depressed and out of control of my life. I am still waiting for councelling. The last few days I have felt really very low. I feel sad as I feel I have lost my real self, this does not feel like a phase either, it feels like forever...

DD - I really empathize with your current situation. I know from personal experience how disorienting and exhausting it can be to have a major health concern and spend your days in hospitals, dr offices, caring for wounds, adapting your daily routine around limited abilities, etc. When I went thru my experience I felt as if the "me" I had known all my life was gone, dead almost - it was a grieving process. I wish you ongoing strength and courage during this very difficult time, and kudos to you for not drinking despite the stress and low feelings.

A book I found helpful during my "loss of self" process was, "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be," by Lama Surya Das. It is written from a Buddhist perspective but is accessible for people of any faith.

Juja;1676342 wrote: 1. I'm not responsible for his feelings. 2. Protect my quit. 3. Do what makes me happy.

Juja - If possible, I think the above should be your mantra for the weekend. My heart goes out to you as I can tell you don't want to hurt your husband but you also need to make sure not to hurt yourself. As you said to DD, be good to yourself and know we love you. :h

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

So, I had something throw me for a bit of a loop last night. Out of the blue, I heard from an exbf who I broke up with last year. The main reason I broke up with him is that he is a person with borderline personality disorder, and my life with him was an emotional roller coaster. I started drinking more and more during our time together as a feeble effort to cope with the uncertainty and unpredictability in that relationship.

I am NOT tempted to drink now. I am trying to decide whether to reply to him or not. I am torn... I still care about him as a person and I know he doesn't choose to do the things he does. BPD is a major disorder that is extremely challenging for the person and for those around him/her, especially loved ones.

I feel callous and heartless to completely dismiss him or ignore his message, but I am also a bit wary of resuming contact. When we broke up I cut off all contact in an effort to protect myself and my emotional stability.

Any thoughts, especially from anyone who is familiar with BPD?

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Wags,
Part of the beauty of this site is getting opinions about stuff from a detached 3rd party...but that works 2 ways, too, we don't know the whole story, either.

See #'s 2, 4, 5 and 8 above. Don't give away your power. You separated from this person for a reason, and more than likely that reason hasn't gone away. Don't waste time on things you can't control...I imagine this was the maddening aspect of the relationship, WHY THE HECK is he doing ____? Don't yield to the Disease to Please. We are in major warfare here...we are fighting to stay sober and this person is an air assault. and finally, #8, don't make the same mistakes over and over. If this is a toxic person to you, stay the heck away. Time is a real gift here. Try not to be sucked in by anyone else's drama. You have a full plate at the moment and who needs that??

This is my 2 cents from the 'for what it's worth' pile. I wish I could draw a red circle with a slash in it...stay away from anything that jeopardizes YOU and your quit!
Hugs, Byrdie

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Cherokeer;1676309 wrote:
Wag, good plan, we have a big 4th of July party of where the main event is drinking. I am going (SIGH) but I am not drinking. I'll be watching everyone acting like a bunch of dumb asses. Thank God I am retired. It will be 50 questions-why, why, why aren't you drinking. I am already getting them. I'm starting to get pissed. I don't drink anymore. I don't owe anyone a detailed explanation nor do I need your approval not to drink. F#@$%! OFF! Sorry your drinking buddy is retired, sorry you still abuse alcohol, sorry I make uncomfortable because in the back of your mind you know you might have a problem too. Wow, where did that come from?? LOL Guess I am getting a little annoyed with my old social group.

Why can't we kayak without alcohol? Why can't we do anything without alcohol? People that drink are so annoying. Who knew?

Hi Cherokeer,
Do you have to go to this party? Sounds to me like you don't want to be there because there will be lots of drinking. Is there any way you can change your plan since you don't want to drink and need to protect your quit. Remember, you are priority...not a party. I can hear the frustration in your post and I would be frustrated at the thought of that same situation. Maybe it's time for a change? You don't owe anyone anything, and if being there will create discomfort, then think about changing your plans as you're worth it.

I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow morning. A beautiful resort! This will be my first true vacation booze-free. I'm excited as I'll have energy to do the things I never had the energy before to do. I've been thinking of Rahul's posts and how he enjoyed every minute. I'll also be very observant, not just of others, but of myself and how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling uncomfortable with a boozy situation, then I'll leave. I'm protecting this quit like never before. On Sunday, I'll get to day 90 while I'm there.

DD, :l I I'll continue to pray for you.

Byrd, thanks for that list! That's toolbox worthy for sure.

FF, great idea to grab your gym clothes this morning. Little changes like this mean big success.

Have a great AF friday all.

[Londoner]

Newbies Nest

Just checking in - a dry weekend up ahead

That's weekend number 1 dealt with.

Willing to sacrifice my party lifestyle to dedicate myself to becoming the best person, family member and business owner that I can be.

And that ain't gonna happen with booze or drugs in my blood stream

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

DD, you are certainly bound to have 'pissed off with it all' days......I suppose it is that old 'one day at a time' thing again....
Hopefully you will feel better when you see the healing......just know we are all here for you......