Newbies Nest

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Juja - Glad you're staying, please keep posting.

Sarah - Strength to you as well.

On my end, I've been struggling for the past 10-12 hours, but am hanging in there. Got blind-sighted by a powerful trigger last night, and it really threw me for a loop. Now I'm trying to regain my equilibrium and sense of strength. I won't drink - too much to lose by doing so, and nothing to gain but numbness (which is an illusion) - but the temptation was very strong last night and still lingers a bit today. I am going to try to keep myself as busy as possible today and surf this urge. I will also deal with the underlying issues that made my vulnerable, but want to ride out the urge first.

Take care everyone :h

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters & Happy July 4th!

Big storm knocked out power last evening around 6pm, still not back yet.
Hate to think of food spoiling in two fridges & freezers here. Can't really afford to keep the generator running 24 hrs a day

Great to see you back Rooni, Juja & everyone!
Let't stay strong & together on this AF mission this weekend.

Lav

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Juju, I understand where you are you at. Back in January/February I really didn't want to "quit" I wanted to "control" drinking. We drank doing everything. I didn't want to give up drinking with our friends going out, kayaking, family get togethers, etc. I couldn't imagine going the rest of my life without drinking. It was just ridiculous to think a person could go their whole life without drinking. All I needed was a little moderation and I would be fine.

Fast forward 3 months and I am on my knees crying out to God to help me not want to drink. It took a few more humiliations, a few more waking up feeling like the 3 kinds of hell, a few more heaping doses of shame to break through my alcohol soaked brain and reach the real me and realize the horror of what I had become. When I had realized the person that alcohol had turned me into the shame nearly turned me inside out. I was raw, broken, and bleeding and scared to death that alcohol had more power over me than I had over myself.

Juju, looking back how could I have ever thought that drinking was fun. How could I have ever thought that a glass of wine would help me relax or cope. How could I have kept picking a bottle of poison that was ruining my life, my health, my soul? I'm so sad that I have missed out on the beauty of the last 5 years of my life. I'm so sad that I have scars on my soul from things I have done while intoxicated out of my mind. I have to live the rest of my life with that. But you know what? I won't be adding one more thing to it. I am and will forever more be in control of me. I look at AL now like its the same as drinking antifreeze. Poison is poison. But you can't see it until you see it. I didn't know it until I knew it.

Juju, I wish you all the blessings. Love, and strength in your journey. Please stay and fight the good fight.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Darkest Diamond;1678710 wrote: I have never really done this properly, I have sat quietly breathing deeply, but I don't really know what to do. How do you do it? Has anyone got any books/techniques that they can recommend for a beginner?DD, there are many free apps available that you can download. I bet you can find one that suits you and then most of them can be upgraded if you want more options.

wagmore;1678839 wrote: On my end, I've been struggling for the past 10-12 hours, but am hanging in there. Got blind-sighted by a powerful trigger last night, and it really threw me for a loop. Now I'm trying to regain my equilibrium and sense of strength. I won't drink - too much to lose by doing so, and nothing to gain but numbness (which is an illusion) - but the temptation was very strong last night and still lingers a bit today. I am going to try to keep myself as busy as possible today and surf this urge. I will also deal with the underlying issues that made my vulnerable, but want to ride out the urge first.Hey, Wags. It might not feel like it right now but that experience is making you stronger that you were yesterday when you were feeling like your typical upbeat AF-life-is-Awesome self. It's kind of like with exercise. After you tear down the muscle and then rebuild it with rest, it is stronger than it was before. You made it through a crisis and now you need to be kind to yourself -- those thoughts don't disappear like magic so keep an eye on where your head is (especially on this big drinking day in the US) -- do things that make you feel good. Your quit will be strengthened and even more ready for the next challenge you encounter.
Juja;1678637 wrote:

I see the light. I'm going to stay, and continue posting....
I understand, but not all us were given an ultimatum, so maybe our quits aren't exactly like yours. I know what you're going to say--quitting is quitting, but I don't know that it's so cut and dry. We all have different baggage that goes along with our AL consumption, and maybe, just maybe, we have to find ways to drop the baggage before we can stop the drinking. This is something I've thought about for some time, and want to put out there. Perhaps quitting is like going through therapy in that we have to internalize certain things before they become real, and then we can act upon them. I don't know, but that feels right to me.

I'm so glad you are going to stick around and keep trying Juja.

Many of us did not get an ultimatum from anyone other than ourselves. A person has to want this for him or herself more than almost anything else to get it done. An ultimatum might help bring a person to that point.

From what I've observed around here and from reading elsewhere as well as from my own experience, much of the baggage we are carrying are the many bottles of booze we think we need available to us at all times. You'll shed a lot of the weight you're carrying simply by stopping the drinking. For people with physical or emotional problems, many of those also will seem to magically disappear because they are the result of drinking. Ethanol is a poison - there is no reason to think there wouldn't be systemic consequences to poisoning ourselves everyday.

I'm not saying that stopping the drinking takes care of all our problems but it does take care of many and leaves you with a more manageable amount of baggage to deal with.
I'd say I arrived on MWO with a trunk of junk and now my "issues" are in a carry-on. I still have stuff to deal with but I'm not overwhelmed by it, I can put it away for awhile when I need a break from 'working on myself'. It's kind of like Wags said above I will also deal with the underlying issues that made my vulnerable, but want to ride out the urge first.

Get past the drinking and you'll be stronger and more able to deal with the underlying issues in a more calm and thoughtful way.

:h NS

[Lostinspace]

Newbies Nest

Juja - I'm so happy to hear you decided to stay. And yes, it's progress, not perfection, as they say. If your drinking habits have gotten better over time, that's reason enough to celebrate and keep on going until you reach that final quit.

Thanks lifechange. Yes, it's no fun for my poor husband to be sick on this trip. But as for me, I had an even nicer evening than I thought. I called my cousin (the one who's about to get married) when we first got to the hotel and she offered to come pick me up to spend the night with her and her family (no AL involved) because she wanted to see me. So I got to spend time with my cousin and avoided temptation at the same time - a double win!

Sarah - Glad you're seeing a doctor about the essential tremors. I hope he/she can find some answers for you. And I doubt you "failed" your son. It sounds like you're being too hard on yourself. You instilled him with good values and he turned out to be a wonderful boy. And it sounds like he really loves you. I never did have children myself, so I can't understand the emotional turmoil you've gone through over the years, but I hope you can learn to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

Wags - great job in resisting the urge. I know for me that the whole idea that "cravings rarely last longer than 30 minutes" is often untrue. Those cravings can sometimes feel like they last for-freaking-ever! But it will pass eventually. Just keep on surfing that urge and deal with the trigger when you're feeling stronger.

Lav - Hope you get your power back soon.

Day 3 for me and feeling pretty strong today so far. Happy Independence Day to all those in the US, and happy Independence from AL Day to everyone!

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

NoSugar;1678863 wrote: Hey, Wags. It might not feel like it right now but that experience is making you stronger that you were yesterday when you were feeling like your typical upbeat AF-life-is-Awesome self. It's kind of like with exercise. After you tear down the muscle and then rebuild it with rest, it is stronger than it was before. You made it through a crisis and now you need to be kind to yourself -- those thoughts don't disappear like magic so keep an eye on where your head is (especially on this big drinking day in the US) -- do things that make you feel good. Your quit will be strengthened and even more ready for the next challenge you encounter.

NS - You're absolutely right, and the muscle strengthening analogy is excellent. I am grateful for the experience I had last night, as it exposed some weaknesses or blind spots I need to address. It helped me better understand my triggers and why I have started drinking again after periods of abstinence in the past.

I know if this same thing had happened a few months ago, I would have had several drinks even if I'd had the same 63 days AF that I have now. The differences are:

1) I made AL non-negotiable in my head, so when the thought crossed mind repeatedly, my primary response was, "Well, I don't drink, so crap - I'm going to have to deal with these feelings differently."

2) MWO - I was able to come on here and post honestly about my feelings and temptations. Just doing so made me stay more accountable, compared with drinking secretly in the past.

As a result of #s 1 and 2, I'm now on Day 64 instead of Day 1 (or worse, still drinking).


Lostinspace;1678866 wrote:
Wags - great job in resisting the urge. I know for me that the whole idea that "cravings rarely last longer than 30 minutes" is often untrue. Those cravings can sometimes feel like they last for-freaking-ever! But it will pass eventually. Just keep on surfing that urge and deal with the trigger when you're feeling stronger.

Happy Independence Day to all those in the US, and happy Independence from AL Day to everyone!

LIS - Sorry your husband is sick, but so glad you had a nice AF evening with your cousin. That's icing on the cake, isn't it.

Yep, yesterday's temptation to drink hit hard and fast, and it lasted much longer than 30 minutes. It's still lingering a bit, but doesn't have much of a foothold so I know I'll shake it off completely if I just hang tight.

Love your last comment - Happy Independence from AL Day to all, indeed!

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

NS - After a bit more thought, I'm realizing that what happened to me yesterday with feeling "left out" with my paddling team was really just a variation on what we discussed a day or two ago (what to do if an injury took paddling away from me for awhile). I think I'm putting too many of my eggs in one basket, and this was a good eye opener that I need to have more sources of the things I'm currently getting from paddling (the combo of physical activity, social connections, belonging to a team with common goals, etc). I will use today to explore more options so that when one source disappears, falls short, disappoints, or just doesn't fit for me, I won't feel such a strong reaction.

I have explored several other social outlets since I moved to my new city, but few have panned out in a positive way. I need to not give up though, as this is partly what drove me inward and into the bottle much of the last year.

Thanks for nudging me toward this insight, whether you knew you were doing it or not

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters,

Just found out I will be travelling to Thailand next week. There lose my plan of not travelling anywhere in July. Normally I would jump on this ideas as there will be lots of time to drink. But now it's sounds to boring.

All the folks in NC in US hope you all are doing well. Storm Arthur hit yesterday.

Take care. Good night

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

I'm really, really nervous, and depressed right now, so thought I'd come here and post. I don't feel like drinking at all, btw. That would only make things much, much worse.

I feel so sad about my marriage breaking up, and I feel like an absolute shit because I'm breaking my husband's heart. His pain is almost too much for me to bear. He had to take a tranquilizer this morning, and he's never done that in his life I'm beginning to think it would be easier to return home, and try to make it work through couple's therapy. We're going out tonight, so we'll see how that turns out. I told him we'd stay in the moment, as our therapist suggested, and try to enjoy one another's company.

This long weekend (I'm off Monday, too) looms ahead like a frightful ball and chain. I've been catching up with things around the apt today, which is good, as I'd let things go from being depressed, but I can only stay so busy. My sister will be here next weekend, which puts additional stress on me. I may be nervous about that. She's judgmental, and very, very particular. But, it's my house, and I can do as I please.

So, this weekend I can:
-go for long walks
-watch movies
-go shopping
-get groceries
-visit old friends
-read, if I can concentrate.

I'll make it, but I feel like such a coward right now.

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Juja - Glad you came here to post how you are feeling and your plan for getting through a long and difficult weekend. I hear you saying a bit about what your husband wants, but what do YOU want with regard to the marriage? Or is that part of the difficulty - that you aren't certain what you want? That can be a very challenging mental place. My heart goes out to you.

As for this weekend, your plan sounds pretty good - lots of distractions and things that will help the time pass and maybe keep your mind off bigger issues. I know you can't ignore the issues altogether, but getting a mental and emotional break might work wonders. Is there anything special you can schedule for tomorrow, Sun and/or Mon that will give you something to look forward to?

Stay strong and stick with your plan to be AF. It will probably be hard at times but you CAN do it.

:huggy

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

Wag> It sounds like you have it figured out--varied activities. And, yes, we'll have to sit with our uncomfortable feelings without AL. I need to practice that one, too. What is the saying--the only way out is through?

Cherokeer>For me, the baggage is bigger than AL. As I've said before, I've never been an all day, everyday drinker, so maybe I don't understand the extent of problem so many here have. AL has caused me problems, I won't deny that, so my drinking must end. I want to move forward in my life with a clear head.

LIS> You're always so positive. Thanks. Also, I'm glad you had a good visit with your cousin.

Lav>You must have been hit hard. Hope you get power soon.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Yep, power is back on now, yay!

Juja, sounds like you have more of an emotional/habitual connection to AL?
I think I did too but learned to let it go so I could finally figure out how to handle what was causing me to self-medicate with wine. I needed to find my inner strength once again & my self respect. Proud to say that I did & you can too

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Juja, I took a look back at your posts from back when you started in 2010. THAT Juja WAS drinking every day and DID have a drinking problem to the extent that many of us share.
I pulled this one from one of your early threads:

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help
Hello all,

I've been lurking for awhile, and have finally decided to take the plunge and post, so I've met my first goal. I need help.

You all know the story: night after night of drinking, vowing to quit, going AF a few days, and then getting tripped up: pressure from others, stress, a reward, anger, etc. I was AF for 3 1/2 months, but wasn't strong enough to say no to a pleasant host. Since then, it's getting drunk every night, shame, anxiety, and depression in the a.m., disappointment and anger on my husband's face, and hating myself everyday. I've put on 10 lbs since last summer because I haven't been taking care of myself. Who wants to eat when there's drinking to be done?

In May, I formulated a plan, but failed after 3 days.

I don't feel strong enough to go to AA, as I live in a very small, rural, community, and can't bear the stares, so you are my last hope.

I'm not particularly spiritual, so don't feel compelled to call on a higher being, even though I do, at times. Anyone there? I don't know.

My post seems dry, and without feeling, but I'm simply at a loss, and can't find the words to express the hopelessness I feel. Can I do it? I really don't know.

I don't even know if I've posted this correctly.

Sure could use some love and support....

End quote.

Juja, this is one of the hardest things to do on this journey....and that is to stop bullshitting yourself. once I was able to do that, I could see that MOST of my baggage was caused by Alcohol. I wanted to blame anything else for it, but it was AL. My situation may not be exactly the same as yours, but we came to this site about the same time with the same problems with AL. Denial of our problem is a huge obstacle to solving it. Why fix what you dont have? Going AF when you dont really have a problem is too extreme for your brain to comprehend, if you are in this mindset. Odds are, if you are a member of a site for AL abuse, you are are alcoholic...and for us, one drink is too many. We all have many more similarities than differences here. Getting AL out of your life once and for all will be the best step towards healing the rest of your issues. If we wait until everything else is fixed first, then we will be waiting forever. There is always a reason why we cant start today. If you are not happy with what you have tried, tried the one thing you haven't....AF for good. I think you will be amazed. All the best, Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Juja, I took a look back at your posts from back when you started in 2010. THAT Juja WAS drinking every day and DID have a drinking problem to the extent that many of us share.
I pulled this one from one of your early threads:

Scared, depressed, had enough, and help
Hello all,

I've been lurking for awhile, and have finally decided to take the plunge and post, so I've met my first goal. I need help.

You all know the story: night after night of drinking, vowing to quit, going AF a few days, and then getting tripped up: pressure from others, stress, a reward, anger, etc. I was AF for 3 1/2 months, but wasn't strong enough to say no to a pleasant host. Since then, it's getting drunk every night, shame, anxiety, and depression in the a.m., disappointment and anger on my husband's face, and hating myself everyday. I've put on 10 lbs since last summer because I haven't been taking care of myself. Who wants to eat when there's drinking to be done?

In May, I formulated a plan, but failed after 3 days.

I don't feel strong enough to go to AA, as I live in a very small, rural, community, and can't bear the stares, so you are my last hope.

I'm not particularly spiritual, so don't feel compelled to call on a higher being, even though I do, at times. Anyone there? I don't know.

My post seems dry, and without feeling, but I'm simply at a loss, and can't find the words to express the hopelessness I feel. Can I do it? I really don't know.

I don't even know if I've posted this correctly.

Sure could use some love and support....

End quote.

Juja, this is one of the hardest things to do on this journey....and that is to stop bullshitting yourself. once I was able to do that, I could see that MOST of my baggage was caused by Alcohol. I wanted to blame anything else for it, but it was AL. My situation may not be exactly the same as yours, but we came to this site about the same time with the same problems with AL. Denial of our problem is a huge obstacle to solving it. Why fix what you dont have? Going AF when you dont really have a problem is too extreme for your brain to comprehend, if you are in this mindset. Odds are, if you are a member of a site for AL abuse, you are are alcoholic...and for us, one drink is too many. We all have many more similarities than differences here. Getting AL out of your life once and for all will be the best step towards healing the rest of your issues. If we wait until everything else is fixed first, then we will be waiting forever. There is always a reason why we cant start today. If you are not happy with what you have tried, tried the one thing you haven't....AF for good. I think you will be amazed. All the best, Byrdie

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

Oh, Byrdie, you're the real deal. Thank you for taking the time to see me as I was, and am, sometimes. That was a heartfelt response, and I thank you for responding in such a loving way.

Those were such painful times. I was letting Mr Juja rule me, and that's how I did, or didn't, cope, as I didn't have the wherewithal to take up for myself. Today, I let his emotions bleed into my strength, and send me into a downward spiral. Same old same old. I have so much to learn, and AL doesn't make a damn bit of positive difference.

I'll get through this, and will find my strength to love me.

You're the best, Byrd. Always.

Love,
J