Newbies Nest

[Trying To Be Happy]

Newbies Nest

Still going strong...

6 days done and feeling good. I start a new teaching job tomorrow, and I am feeling much more calm than I normally would. I am prepared, but also just feel more calm because I feel more in control, I guess?

Thanks everyone for your replies, kind words and advice. It is very much appreciated. I was very surprised to see the volume of replies, and very touched :l

Just a few quick replies to points raised in relation to my post, arranged around theme:

Abstinence versus moderation:

A few people understandably commented on this - I deliberately haven't prescribed what my plan will be after a month. I know it is meant to be day by day but it also helps to tell myself it is just a month. It doesn't mean it won't be more - just gives me time to put off the decision in the here and now. I don't have a party planned for the first of August. The first thing I need to do is retrain my habituated brain that AL is the response at 5pm or to stress or celebration (yes, we are great at inventing reasons aren't we?).

Pavati and others - I agree that AL controls us, and Justin Vale's book really hammered that home for me - the notion that there aren't really normal drinkers. All drinkers exert some kind of control over how far they are going to go and while some have considerably more success with that than others, it still is on a moderate drinker's mind (can I still drive, will I be okay for work tomorrow, etc.). Allan Carr's book, which I am currently reading (great suggestions everyone, thanks!) also talks about it more as a spectrum. I think this would be more useful for those of us that for many years agonised over whether we had a problem, and took all those quizzes, asked ourselves all those questions. There's no magic place or volume where it is a problem - it is a problem for you if it is a problem for you. You just have to be willing and able to critically examine yourself and your relationship with alcohol to work that out.

My partner's drinking:

My partner and I are both drinkers - he is my height but skinnier than me and can drink less (but as I can drink a lot, that is not saying much!). He smokes heavily (I never have). For him they go hand in hand. For years, we have tried to cut down together. We did have that month free together in 2005 after having a big drunken argument that turned physical - neither of us was seriously hurt but it scared us enough to take a month off drinking. The physical fighting has not happened again, and we are both much better with our anger. The problem with stopping drinking is while we have had the odd night or two sober together, we tend to make a deal, shake on it, then one of us will slip and suggest a wine, and the other (not always but most of the time) will agree (if it's okay for him/her it's okay for me - let's start again tomorrow) and there we go again. What is worse for him is that it goes with smoking. I keep telling him not to be so hard on himself but he keeps trying to quit both at once, then when he cracks on smoking, he cracks on alcohol (I do not envy anyone who smokes). In other words, we enable each other. I have thought for some time if I could just do this myself, it might help encourage him. He is already saying he is inspired and ready to make a change, and just told me he is going to try not to drink tomorrow. In the meantime, I am doing my best not to nag him.

Cherokeer - your husband situation is not unfamiliar - I'm sure to many here. I am currently doing my best to contain my frustration and gently remind my partner "remember you are drinking and I'm not, so I don't find that funny/that is irritating", which he seems to respond to - perhaps he has not been as drunk this week as your husband was the other night night. I am actively trying not to make a big deal about his drinking because I am hoping if I give it time and set an example he will get here himself. There will be a limit to my patience though!

Resources:

J-vo - you make excellent suggestions. I have been doing this but will keep doing so. You're right, they help a lot.

Volunteering:

Ginger and Wagmore - volunteering is meant to be great as an antidote for depression. I am meeting someone at my local mission to set this up soon.

LIS: I smelled my partner's wine tonight (cheap, not a favourite but I'm not that discerning on a budget) and was not tempted - all it did was remind me of when I was a teenager and wondered what all the grownups saw in the stuff. Well done on your weekend!

To My Health - so good to hear from you, and glad you are here too. Interesting we have such similar ways of putting things! And yes, off to the Roll Call, for those who suggested it!

I know I haven't named everyone, but have read all your messages and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honesty. That is why I am here.

:thanks: again!

Will post soon. TTBH xoxo

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Quick check in....
Lots going on here! Will be back this afternoon after I put some thoughts together....Hope everyone has an easy day! xo, Byrdie

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Lifechange-I stayed up all night trying to make sure he was okay. I don't know what all he drank and I was worried. I actually just woke up.

Lost in space- No drunk wants to be drunk alone. God, I didn't realize how freaking loud drunk people were. Annoying!!

Sam- Holding to my quit was not an issue. I wasn't tempted I was discusted and pissed off. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be home. It's an annual family event I am obligated to go to. Well I was, I told my husband this morning the last one I am going to.

BrandnewDay- Just get back on the horse. We still love ya

Wag- My anger almost had me throwing elbow and knee strikes at people. No one forces me to do something I don't want to do. And I don't drink. Hell, I really truly would no sooner put a freaking cup of rat poison to my lips than I would AL. I will not go to that party again. I'm stubborn as hell and when I make my mind up about something you'd be better off trying to move a mountain than me. I'm slow to anger but when I do it's like trying to put a tornado back in a bottle.

TTBH- My husband this morning has the audacity to be angry at me. Even trying to justify his behavior with "well of all the times you go drunk and didn't listen to me" really Buddy?? That kind of manipulative behavior isn't going to excuse your behavior. What are you eight? You can't hold me responsible for my behavior because in the past you....... Nope, that is not going to work. You scared me, angered me and caused me to lose a whole nights sleep. You are presently responsible for THAT. You do not get historic justification for it. Own it and apologize like a gown up and then we can move forward. Pout like a baby and get treated like one. For I have raised my children. Men, some days.

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Cherokeer,
That had to be an awfully long and frustrating day for you. You should be so proud of yourself for not succumbing to all of that. You're a strong person and being in that situation, someone in early sobriety would just give in. I know I probably would have. I'm glad you've decided that you don't need to attend any functions where booze is the main focus of the day. Not only the main focus, but to be pressured into it. I would have left, but you were concerned for your DH. I think I still would have driven home. Nothing is worth losing your days over. And the way DH is acting today tells me he's just taking it out on you and angry and hungover. Hugs to you and do something nice for yourself today.

BND, glad you're back here safely in the nest.

LIS, hope your day goes well tomorrow. Glad you have a plan for that downtime.

LC, you're such a ball of positive energy! You're a recovery carrier for sure.

TTBH, that's a tough situation you're in. Stay strong and keep posting.

Have a great day all.

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

J-VO, It was not only frustrating but devastating sad. Like watching a movie from a day in your life for the first time. My paradigm shifted so suddenly I got dizzy. For just a moment it was like everyone was moving in slow motion. I felt sad for those standing around me talking too loud, laughing too loud, thinking everything they are saying is hilarious, and most of all for thinking they are having a good time. Knowing in the morning they will be waking up feeling like hell, feeling the remorse and regret, wondering what they did, some remembering some not, the shame of not knowing. And if you look real hard you can see the dying souls in some of their eyes. Truly heart breaking. All I can say is Thank You God for opening m eyes before it was too late.

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Hear, hear, Cherokeer! I'm right there with you.
J-vo, :l
Good night, everyone. See you all tomorrow...

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Cherokeer,
Wow, what a night you had. In the final months of my drinking days (and downward spiral) my husband did something that I thought was 'out of bounds' at the time, but in retrospect, it was a nail in AL's coffin.....he took a video of me at a neighborhood party while I was stinking drunk. MY LORD, I was MAD at him. He told me how obnoxious and loud I was, but I blew it off and told him he was exaggerating....then he showed me that video. What an eye opener, I didn't even remember him taking it and I sure didn't remember getting 'that bad'. I cringed another time I watched a video, and it was the ones from this site called 'Rain in My Heart'. That one hit home, too....unfortunately, I recognized a lot of MY behavior in those people. Next time your hubs gets stinking drunk, get him on video. It really opened my eyes! I didn't like it one bit, but I was beginning to see the writing on the wall by that time. Everywhere I turned, someone seemed to be mentioning it...I was getting backed into a corner and eventually had to face the problem. I denied it as long as I could. For those of us who think our S.O. don't know how much we drink, well they may not know exactly how much, but there is NO hiding the fact that we've had too much. We are not as good at hiding it as we think. I thought I was a master....NOT!

Sarah, at the end of my drinking career, I used to justify drinking by telling myself it calms my tremors....Get thee to a neurologist! It will help your cause tremendously if you can honestly tell the doctor you aren't drinking. I know what you are saying....I'm not drinking THAT much to make any difference!!! Oh contraire... remember we are alcoholics and ONE is too many for us. You are taking heavy duty anti anxiety meds....there is a school of thought that believes that taking AD's makes Alcoholism worse...and I believe it. It takes MORE AL to get your buzz, and when you do it really wipes you out....the word ZOMBIE comes to mind. That's what I felt like. I wasn't interested in dying, but I sure wasn't interested in living either. I just was. I tell you, getting AL out of your life will go a long way to improving everything else. Anxiety? GONE. AD's? GONE. 3 BP meds? GONE. Like me, you are trying everything else but the very thing that is the cause...AL. Clinging to AL thinking that it helps anything is just misplaced....it doesn't help anything and makes all situations worse. I wish I had NOT gone down the long road I took to get sober. There is an easier way to do it than I did. (torture). Quit TODAY. Do whatever it takes to get thru this day without AL. You will NOT be sorry....Byrdie

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello All,

Came to Thailand for some work. I remember I was here on my last vacation with fa!ily and beers. This time no family no vacation and no beers. Sober work.

Good night !!

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

We have a saying in healthcare. When a person says they only drink or take "X" amounts of a substance we always times it by 3. I can't tell you how may times I've had to deal with an alcoholic going batshit crazy because they have tried to go "cold turkey" from their 2 beers a day (ie. cases with a 5th of vodka).

Birdie is absolutely right. You may think that you acting perfectly normal or that you have created a perfectly plausible story but unless its truly is their first day chances are they have heard better stories already. Mixing anti anxiety meds and alcohol meds is a recipe for death. Please Please do not do that again. I know how ugly addiction is. I know the shame, the degradation, the wanting to hide, the fear of being found out, the overwhelming fear of facing the day without the AL. But that's all it is fear. It's an emotion. If you are so physically addicted you fear seizures or worse please go to your nearest emergency room. They can you medication to slowly allow your body to adjust to the lack of AL. Like Birdie said, you won't ever be sorry. Much love and strength to you Sarah

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

I'm not sure why auto correct kept erasing words. Sorry this looks like a two year old typed it .

[Lostinspace]

Newbies Nest

Good MAE everyone! (And thanks Juja and lifechange for clueing me in as to what that means)

Welcome back bran new day. Glad you didn't fall/stay away from us for too long. And you're getting in far more AF time than drunk time, so that's good progress. Starting your own thread probably would be helpful for you, both to help sort out your thinking process and triggers before a slip, as well as to track your progress over time. It's pretty easy - just go to the "Just Starting Out?" forum (or whatever other forum you want to start a thead in. Then, in the upper left hand corner of the screen (right above where it says "Threads in Forum"), click on the "New Thread" icon, give it a title and type away.

TTBH - Good to see you still going strong at 6 days. That's a difficult situation, having a partner who drinks. I can't speak from experience, as I'm married to a very occasional, moderate drinker (who is anything but an enabler), but I hope you two can start to grow together in this area instead of pulling each other back down. The fact that he has expressed a desire to stop and is inspired by what you're doing may very well mean that he'll shortly follow in your footsteps. But yes, patience will be needed. It most likely won't happen immediately. We all get to that point of being ready to stop at different points. Hang in there! And keep posting here when you're frustrated with him or if you're thinking of joining him.

Cherokeer - I love your attitude - that you simply don't drink anymore and no one can pressure you to do otherwise. I'm sorry you had to deal with all that anger, worry and lack of sleep, though. I hope you've gotten at least some rest by now and are feeling better.

I'm finally home from the wedding down south. I think I'm prepared for tomorrow. I have my plan in place and, yes Wags, I will try visualizing myself succeeding. Hope you all have a great night!

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Glad to see so many folks checking in on this holiday weekend
Looks like most were quite successful too - nice!

BND, let's Velcro your butt in the nest this time - OK?

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

The Bubble Hour this week was called "In recover, we find freedom" - perfectly timed for Independence Day here in the US. The things they talked about really resonated with the discussion you've been having here today. One freedom the guest (a man this time) mentioned he was grateful for was the freedom from mental and physical health worries. One host talks about her belief that maybe she had borderline personality disorder, and another talks about constantly checking her eyes to see if she had maybe caused some permanent damage to her body. The guest talks about poking his liver feeling like he might find something awful, and also about drinking to relieve his anxiety. All the while, what they all had was alcoholism. Life doesn't suddenly become a bed of roses when we quit, but WOW are there so many benefits. Not worrying about crazy health issues is just one of them. I recommend the whole show.

BND - Here's the three ply velcro - settle yourself in and hang on to all of us.

TTBH - glad you're back! My husband drinks, but I had a LLLOOONNNG talk with him about my alcoholism and the fact that I can't drink again. I think he finally got it when I said, "if you see me with a drink, you will see me having a relapse." As they say around here, focus on your own quit and get yourself well before you try to help him.

I am for some reason exhausted today. I did some painting, but nothing crazy. I guess I'll just go to sleep.

Happy Sober Sunday!
Pav

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

The Bubble Hour this week was called "In recover, we find freedom" - perfectly timed for Independence Day here in the US. The things they talked about really resonated with the discussion you've been having here today. One freedom the guest (a man this time) mentioned he was grateful for was the freedom from mental and physical health worries. One host talks about her belief that maybe she had borderline personality disorder, and another talks about constantly checking her eyes to see if she had maybe caused some permanent damage to her body. The guest talks about poking his liver feeling like he might find something awful, and also about drinking to relieve his anxiety. All the while, what they all had was alcoholism. Life doesn't suddenly become a bed of roses when we quit, but WOW are there so many benefits. Not worrying about crazy health issues is just one of them. I recommend the whole show.

BND - Here's the three ply velcro - settle yourself in and hang on to all of us.

TTBH - glad you're back! My husband drinks, but I had a LLLOOONNNG talk with him about my alcoholism and the fact that I can't drink again. I think he finally got it when I said, "if you see me with a drink, you will see me having a relapse." As they say around here, focus on your own quit and get yourself well before you try to help him.

I am for some reason exhausted today. I did some painting, but nothing crazy. I guess I'll just go to sleep.

Happy Sober Sunday!
Pav

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Good MAE, Nesters!
It looks like the weekend went pretty smoothly around here.
There was some great advice for, Sarah, from people who know what they're talking about. I hope you will take it seriously and feel supported here. I don't know anything about the meds, but I'm sending you strength via internet!

TTBH, 7 days today!!!!:rays: Very well done. Your focus on yourself first, to set an example sounds like a very positive step. Trying to get others to change their behaviours is such hard work and in the early days of AFdem, the energy is better spent on taking care of ourselves-- also, like you said, it can be very counter-productive to quit with someone who isn't 100%++ sure that they want to do it.

hi Rahul!, you have been such an inspiration to me-- I remember clearly your struggles in the beginning. I was further along at the time and I remember thinking, "damn, I wish something would click for Rahul". You were on a huge roller coaster-- and look at you now. So happy for you! Are you eating some great food in Thailand??

LIS, I look forward to hearing from you this afternoon! I know your plan will work splendidly!

I'm off to read some more MWO then I have a busy day of work, helping at the school and dinner with a friend. So see you all later....A wonderful, Hangover free Monday for all! That reminds me, I had the most awful al dreams last night. The hiding and sneaking and feeling like shit. It was very nice to wake up to reality..