Newbies Nest

[Darkest Diamond]

Newbies Nest

Greetings Nesters,
Hope all are happy in the nest today, it is sunny here so I am going to try to get out soon and walk a bit.

My weekend was interesting. On Friday night I went out, before I left my flat I felt like I needed to lie down I was so tired. I'm so glad I went as it was a wonderful evening and on Saturday I had my first day for a month that was virtually pain free!

On the Saturday I achieved a lot, I did lots of work that I had agreed to do when I was signed off sick but had not been able to do because of the pain, weakness etc. That evening I went round to my family for a lovely meal.Yesterday I spent the whole day working from about 5.00am to 9.00pm as the deadline was the next day. I did it!! Completed my task, so now I have no work to do until I officially go back to work(with chemo etc that will not be for a few months.)

What was quite interesting was that when I was working for the first time since I stopped drinking I thought about alcohol.( I did not want it but I thought about it). I remembered all the times when I would work all through the weekend and drink afterwards or worse still drink simultaneously. I thought about all the times I would see it as a reward for completing work. This time my reward was a favourite tv programme and a meal!!

Hope everyone enjoys a sober day,
DD xx

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Well goodness. What a great post. Thank u Pepper!.

Actually, I hate taking these anx meds. But, I can't say they haven't helped some. However, I do plan to get off them asap.

I do understand everything you are saying- believe me. I feel like a fool.

To answer your question...yes. I do intend to tell the dr of my AL intake. I should have last visit, but I chickened out. Admitting to that is yet another failure on my part, and it's hard. However, I know I need too.

I will be the first person to say that I'm f**** up. While I think I have made a start in my addiction, i know it's minimal. And 'minimal' is an understatement.

Truth is, I have a beer and a glass of wine right beside me right now. Whether or not I drink those is iffy...I prolly won't cause it's so late. but it's there. Or, I might b/c feeling a bit depressed tonight. I've no idea...

Just telling the truth here, and thank u for comments!

Love,

Sarah





peppersnow;1682219 wrote: Rahul, I totally was in your shoes as well. I'd gained so much weight from drinking that my blood pressure was out of control. Beginning about 6 years ago, one new BP med after another was added to keep my BP under control. But HOORAY, because with the meds I could keep drinking! Then one day at about noon, after a heavy drinking night, I landed in the ER with tachycardia - I had been just sitting in my car driving when my heart-rate soared to about 200 bpm for no reason. They thought I was having a heart attack. That happened twice, so my doc added metoprolol, which artificially suppresses your heart rate and keeps it under control. The unfortunate side effect is that I became energy-sapped, due to my heart working inefficiently because of the metoprolol. Even when I tried to exercise, I couldn't get my heart-rate above 128. I couldn't go on hikes with my kids. House-cleaning was exhausting. So on came another 20 pounds or so. But hey, I could drink as much as wanted and not worry about a soaring heart-rate anymore, so that part was GRRRRRREAT! Another case of vodka, please!! Then came the wellbutrin and celexa for depression, and more weight gain, and even higher blood pressure. And then I finally didn't care anymore and just stopped trying at all and decided it would be okay if I just died.

And Sarah --- then I came here, where I noticed a post by you around the same time because you had recently joined as well. I thought you sounded better than me - more optimistic - and like you didn't drink as much as me - and that you actually cared about your life -- and I was jealous and thought for sure you had a better shot than me of quitting.

On June 26, I had a physical and I was 25 pounds lighter (still have about 30 to go), my BP was only 96/68 so she took me off the metoprolol and my heavy-duty BP meds (I still take a diuretic, but that's a minimalist BP med), and came off the Celexa completely. Like Rahul, every single health problem I had was because of ALCOHOL.



That's great that you got through a Day 1. But no time like NOW to try again. In your early posts that I remember from February, you insisted you would never EVER take any prescription meds and believed in healing yourself from the earth with herbals. Fast-forward 5 months and you're not only still drinking about as much as you were then, but you've added clonazepam (valium) to the mix ? as far from an herbal as you can get, and one of the most highly addictive benzos out there. I want to support you, but I feel like you're deflecting, because you didn't address mixing valium with AL, and the fact that you have a prescription for a drug that most of us would have killed for to help with early physical withdrawal when we stopped.

Listen to Birdie, Ava, Rahul, NS, Lav, everyone who wants to help you but will only believe you?re serious if you try to get through a 24 hour period now that you have the medical tools to do it without withdrawals!!! The planets are aligned perfectly RIGHT NOW for you to give it a shot ? quitting will only be harder when the valium is taken away and you?re dealing not only with AL withdrawal but valium withdrawal. One of the reasons doctors hesitate to prescribe alkies valium on an out-patient basis is because valium substantially heightens the intoxication effects of alcohol. For sneaky alkies (which if you are honest with yourself is what you are -- and what I was and we all are/were) It's a way of maximizing the high without drinking as much. So really, if you've cut back AL and have added valium, it's a zero-sum game. If AL is helping you with the ET's, and you don?t plan on quitting right now, then what the hell -- you might as well cut out the valium and just drink lots more. Because, again, if you're honest with your dr. about your drinking she/he is going to take away the valium and SHOULD.



I get that you want to wait and talk to your doctor. The problem is that your doctor can?t help you unless you?re honest about your alcohol consumption. Obviously you've been manipulating your doctor so far or you wouldn't have that prescription for "Mother's Little Helper" (remember that Rolling Stone's song?) So, if you don?t answer any other question, can you answer this: Do you plan to be forthright with your doctor and confess exactly how much you have been drinking on a daily basis, and that you have been mixing with valium? Are you going to hold yourself accountable for being brutally honest with your neurologist or other doctor the next time you see him/her, promise to volunteer the information if they don't ask for it, and make that commitment right now? If you're not going to try to quit now that you have the valium, can you promise to be 100% transparent with your doctor at your next visit?

That's really all I have to say, which I realize is lengthy and I apologize for that, but I'm one of those folks who tends to rant and be done with it forever. You've asked for advice, so that's my contribution -- I truly hope for the best for you, and that you start living out what those books you're reading and everyone on this site are advising you to do. Best wishes.

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Good Monday MAE, Nesters!

BND, Well done on 7 days!! Congrats! You are right back on track and sounding strong in your quit.. I'm very happy for you. Great that you were able to tell your partner about your desire to be completely AF. I think it's difficult for our partners, those who don't have a problem with al, to fully understand what we're dealing with. I am fortunate that after 3 years! of actively trying to become sober, my BF understands fully what I'm dealing with. I told him this last time, that for me, the thing that has made it so difficult to quit, is that I have to quit FOREVER (by taking it one day at a time). I can never have another drink--and in doing that, some things in our relationship, that we used to enjoy, have to change. I'm finally able to accept it--which is the first step. God is definitely willing!:lilflower:

:welcome: Back, Kensho and Soft Focus! It's really good to have you both back in the Nest. I have also recently returned and am so glad to be here.. It's so good to have the support of so many people trying to improve their lives by kicking AL'S ass. We all KNOW how to do it... theoretically, and some of us have had the experience of a relatively lengthy af period, and now it's a matter of making it an each and every day reality. There is so much wisdom here if we are open for it!!:l

Sad story, Byrdie, and unfortunately not at all uncommon. It's really a lesson to learn from. I am so grateful to be of sound mind right now. I am so grateful to have put myself in the position to be able to fight the fight.

:h to all Nesters!

[momofthree]

Newbies Nest

Good morning everyone! Missed checking in yesterday but it was a packed family day and I am happy to report that no alcohol was consumed, even by me! It's another beautiful day here and I've already got some laundry on the line and getting ready to make some bacon, eggs and fried potatos for the girls breakfast. We love to eat here. No plans on the radar today to drink, going to unpack some more boxes and maybe do something with the girls later on.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Had some wicked thunder storm blow thru here overnight but I'm still here

I have lots to do so I'm just going to wish everyone a happy & AF Monday

Lav

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Darkest Diamond;1682358 wrote:

What was quite interesting was that when I was working for the first time since I stopped drinking I thought about alcohol.( I did not want it but I thought about it). I remembered all the times when I would work all through the weekend and drink afterwards or worse still drink simultaneously. I thought about all the times I would see it as a reward for completing work. This time my reward was a favourite tv programme and a meal!!

DD, I'm so glad you're doing well and had a pain-free day! The whole issue of what triggers us is interesting, isn't it? Especially when you didn't realize those triggers were even there until you face them sober. Like you, DD, work was a huge trigger for me, especially work done after-hours. At my place of employment, AL was often part of office socializing (in the office) on a Friday afternoon. Even though I often secretly drank during working hours, if I stayed at the office after-hours to catch up, the bottle came out of hiding. It was like, " I deserve this and I'm proud to deserve it". Weekend work? Drink through it for sure - it was owed to me for being such a dedicated employee. Except that my personal life was fair game, too. DH would take the kids to the movies on a Saturday, I stayed home to clean = drink while cleaning. I skipped movies I wanted to see and missed time with them so I could drink alone. If I went along, I had a few bumps beforehand. Cooking? Drink. Watching TV? Drink. Anything happening inside my home became a trigger. Like you, I don't necessarily want AL the first time I do things I hadn't done sober in years, but I think about it. Which means the first few months, I thought about it a lot because there's hardly anything in my life I didn't do while drinking! I'd say it's down to about once/day now, usually when/if my DH has a drink (he has one about ever other night) and going out to restaurants, but every now and then I'll do some activity out-of-the-ordinary and it will sneak up on me.

Great to hear about your weekend and your recovery. Here's to many more pain-free AL free days ahead of you!

[allankay]

Newbies Nest

Lavande;1682301 wrote:

every newbie's plan should be BSE (bull shit elimination)!

That made me laugh Lav. But it is very true!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nesters!
Great to see everyone checking in....LC, such wise words...and Pepper!
Pie, you are rolling it out! So happy to see that you have CRUST!

Pepper, your post reminds me of the progressive nature of all this....I certainly didn't start out as an everyday drinker. I was a weekend binge-r for years...didn't think much of it, to be honest....everyone else was doing it, too. My weekends eventually started earlier....Fri/Sat/Sun. Then Thursday became fair game. Then Monday, to take the edge off the hellish start to the week, so that's how binge drinking progresses to daily drinking progresses to daily HEAVY drinking (tolerance goes up), then to earlier in the day drinking, to morning drinking. I wish to heaven I would have stopped when I was a stage 1 alkie, but that thinking of "I'm not THAT bad" kept me going strong....until I got THAT BAD. If you even think you have a problem with AL, you are right. This disease/condition only gets worse, not better, so do whatever it takes to STOP. You will find that you do not NEED AL at all....but you have to cut off its food supply. Completely cut it off. Just like a stray cat, if you feed it, you own it. Give yourself a chance AF.....you just may like it better! I know I do!

Hope everyone has an easy day. MindPeace, Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

allankay;1682386 wrote: That made me laugh Lav. But it is very true!

BS-Lax....take it daily to eliminate unwanted BS in your life! Works overnight! :H:H

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

Pepper and DD,
Same here!! I'm just in the beginning AF days again and I'm surprised at how often it enters my mind that I used to do this or that with AL. Almost everything. I waited 2 weeks to clean house, as that was when I "loved" to drink, and I didn't want to chance it! Also, cooking-- I always had at least an extra bottle of wine for myself-- and because I cook at work, I almost always drank there. Often I'd have a bottle of wine open at 9:30 am and someone would jokingly say, "Hey, startin' the day off right, eh?"--
Right now I'm facing one of my biggest challenges which is having the whole family at home during summer break. So far so good-- but I've got my plan in place and you all in my heart and mind!!
Glad you're feeling well, DD..

Lav, I also loved BSE!!!

ok off to help settle a fight..... sisters!!!!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Everyone! I told myself I wasn't going to be a posting maniac, but I do want to check in. It helps me so much to say what I am doing so others hear - makes it more real. I'm feeling good - have heaps of work after a week gone so trying to distract with that. Got my morning run in and trying to remember to drink LOTS of water! My biggest challenge is that I am not slow at work now (like before) and I will have times that I will need to work at night. HATE that so much... so my relief has been drinking. Need to find another way.

Have a wonderful day All, and know that you will feel SO proud of yourself when you make it even one day! Go for it! It is SO worth it!

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

DD - I'm so glad to hear your good news. You sound better than you have in weeks, and I hope that continues to give you strength.

Kensho - Post as much as you want/need to! Many of us have had periods where we posted like crazy to get over speed bumps or ride out temptations. That's part of what MWO is for!

Mom3 - Great job over the weekend!

Lav - Hope the chickens rode out the storm well too!

Byrdie - Love the BSE and BS-lax

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

So, in addition to MWO, I also participate in a very active fitness discussion and support board. One of my compadres there posted this quote recently, and I thought it fit well here in the NN too:

"If you really want to accomplish something, you'll find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse."

Perhaps a bit trite or clich?d, but this really rings true for me. I use it with my fitness regimen and other life goals all the time. When I was drinking, it was fairly easy to find an excuse (I always called it a reason, but it was an excuse). Even now, when I'm tempted, there is an excuse behind it. I have to stay strong to stick with my "way" in order to stay AF.

One thing worth noting: It doesn't say you'll find the way, but rather a way. What works for one may not work for another. Progress is not always forward. However, once you get past the BS or denial, it is fairly easy to separate the excuses from the ways.

Hope everyone has a great MAE.

[momofthree]

Newbies Nest

I thought I would be okay, but 4 days now and I'm getting the urge. The day has suddenly started dragging. Grrrrr....looking at the clock and a couple more hours till my husband can leave work. I really don't know why I want to really, I'm starting to feel good again and sleeping better and I definitely get more done around the house and that in turn makes me feel good about myself.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

momofthree;1682480 wrote: I thought I would be okay, but 4 days now and I'm getting the urge. The day has suddenly started dragging. Grrrrr....looking at the clock and a couple more hours till my husband can leave work. I really don't know why I want to really, I'm starting to feel good again and sleeping better and I definitely get more done around the house and that in turn makes me feel good about myself.

Hi, Momof3

That is the addicted part of your brain talking -- not the real you who wants to be the best woman she can be. This sounds harsh, but drinking actually does damage to our brains, making it harder than for a normal person to make the decisions that are truly in our best interest. To become sober, we have to be stronger than normal. You can do it.

You posted once about driving under the influence and how horrified you were. Think about that when that addicted voice starts talking to you. Then think about the good things that you've experienced over the last few days. We have to deliberately redirect our thoughts. This won't "just happen". It takes deliberate action.

You've taken the first great step of posting here! That is exactly what this site is for. If you're still feeling conflicted, perhaps share here the reasons your life will be better if you drink and worse if you don't . (Maybe the list would be a lot longer and use up more of your "craving time" if you did the opposite . There are so so many rewards that come from NOT drinking!).

You don't need a drink, Mom. You need not to drink and your husband and kids need for you not to drink, also.

Do anything you want right now, other than that.

You can make it and you'll be so proud and relieved that you did! NS