Newbies Nest

[available]

Newbies Nest

ML 266 days, getting so close to that year mark. I must say i am so looking forward to that accomplishment. Glad to see you are doing so well and keeping strong. 50lbs, OMG, i think i have gained it by my sugar intake, that is a huge massive achievement also, you must look and feel a million dollars.

LC so glad i got a mention ha ha. Posting and posting is certainly helps with the cravings and urges in the first few weeks and months until life settles down and you are doing so well.

Mom, its hard to be pushed to remember our drunken days, i cant remember much in the end of it, but my children remind me of some of the embarrassing things i did drunk, at least your children wont be able to laugh at you at what you did. I do know that my adult children are now happy to have a functioning mother again and like you they are my whole world and i nearly lost that. Nearly 7 days, great work.

[Juja]

Newbies Nest

Hi, all,

I'm still reading, and absorbing. I stuck my tail between my legs, and bolted because I feel like a failure. Luckily, a dear MWOuter has stuck by me, and is working with me. I'm eternally grateful to her, and all of you. What I've learned here has helped me immeasurably.

Sarah>I'm glad to see you're still here. You have so many things going on that, like me, it's difficult to separate one from the other. I completely understand your world and how it swirls around you, and why it's hard to get a grip on any one thing. Also, can I assume that your parents expected perfection from you, and that you continue to expect that of yourself? If so, I understand that as well. Get to the bottom of the ETs, and go from there.

Congrats to all making great progress. And, DD, I'm so very glad you're having better days. Whew.

Have a great MAE.

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters; cheking in after a very busy long weekend. My mum was in America on holidays so I have been busy entertaining and feeding visitors that would normally go to her. Then my son and his girlfriend stayed from Friday to Monday. He lives 2 hours away and loves to get all the food treats he remembers when he was younger. A lot of cooking!
I loved spending time with them but have to say I was relieved to get sitting down last night. Exhausted!
Arranged a family get-together in the pub on Saturday night - music and craic was great. It was so good to get dressed up and meet up with people - something I avoided as I sat with my wine, home alone, watching tv until I passed out.....
Everything ticking along nicely here. Actually, being out in Saturday night was good; went home earlier than everyone else - enjoyed watching people being fun and silly, then when it got worse and they were talking shite and looking stupid, I was grateful that it wasn't me......
Have a bit of reading back to do.......

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Checking in. Doing fine. Still feel tired and sluggish, though I got up to do my cardio, and the air smells wonderful here after overnight rain. I can't wait to wake up and feel clear and clean as the air. I was there, and then I decided not to be... hmmmm - that is what I ponder. Have a great day Everyone.

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I love summer break, but with the whole fam damily at home, sometimes I feel like I will go through the roof! After having 2 girls talking my head off the whole day (yes I am thankful they talk to me!), plus the BF, I began to get a bit annoyed. I'm such a wuss. I'm not good at tuning people out-- I want to listen to the girls. Anyway, I just told everyone that I was feeling a bit annoyed and needed 15 minutes to myself and that no one should bug me-- it worked. I actually fell asleep for a power nap. I might have PMS...

Daisy!!! good to see you again. I was wondering where you were off to! I here you with visitors being nice, but then it's so nice to have the peace and quiet again!

JUJU!! Hi! very good to see you here. I'm often wondering how you are..:l

Kensho..:l Pondering is good, but don't let it get you down. You are on the right track now and that's what matters. Of course we have to learn from our mistakes.. but in due time. It has helped me so much these first 2 weeks to just stay as PRESENT in the moment as possible. To just focus on what I'm doing NOW-- and when my mind wanders, I gently pull it back to what's at hand. It has helped me to stay calm, not to beat myself up for my past mistakes, not to worry too much about the future.

xoxo to you all. Thank you for all for being here.

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Lifechange, wouldn't you love to sometimes make your house invisible so you can just be there and enjoy the peace?

[lifechange]

Newbies Nest

YES!!!!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Lifechange, I guess what I'm pondering is whether I can have a life with a little alcohol in it, or not. There, I said it. I am not yet to the "NEVER AGAIN" stage. I need to know if I can handle 1 drink a weekend or every two weeks. I was doing well with that, until I knowingly decided to drink with the group on vacation every night (and I knew I would have to come back here to un-do it). It seems that AL is a habit for me - kind of like sugar. As long as I am not doing it often, I don't really even want it much - and I would like to live with the the option of "every once in awhile". What is NOT an option for me is letting AL control my life. SO I am quitting for 30 days, and then will try the once a week or once every 2 weeks. If that doesn't work, then I will know, and I will give it up for good. I'm not interested in beating my head against the wall - I just don't feel like I've learned yet whether I can do it or not. I know I can control myself if I drink once every two weeks, and that I can't if I allow myself to drink every night. The question is whether it will work long term to have a little or if it is too much hassle/effort/challenge/stupidity to bother. I also want an answer to the question "Am I an alcoholic?" I have abused it for a very long time, but I never classified myself as that. I would say I have had a problem with it - but mostly with myself. Never altercations with others or with the law, never with my work - I can't and never wanted to drink more than 4 in a night, 5 if I have any earlier in the day (which is a problem - but most nights were 2.5-3.5 total). It has been more subtle things like energy level, being consumed by the thought of AL, worried that I am causing long term health problems, worried that it will get worse, worried that I hide it. Maybe I am in Stage 1 denial - I don't know. Anyway... I guess that is where I am right now. Thanks for listening.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Late check in for me! Good to see everyone! Juja, Kensho, MyLuck!

My friend is deteriorating faster than her doctors have ever seen. In the span of 6 weeks a speck the size of a garden pea has spread all over her body. She was admitted to Duke yesterday and being kept comfortable until she passes. I am leaving tomorrow morning to go up there. She's not even getting the 3 months they speculated. We are all stunned. It really makes you think just how precious life is.

Kensho, how will this time be different than last? If you go AF for 30 days and reintroduce AL in small amounts, I wonder what will make it work this time while it didn't last? More knowledge? More self-aware? In the time you have been on this site have you ever seen that work long term for anyone? Some have done it for maybe a few weeks, even some months, but LONG TERM as in the rest of their lives? No. NEVER. If long term only means a few months, then go for it...but if you truly want to be free of the pull of AL, I only know one way to do it. If 99 people walk off a cliff and die and it's my turn, I am going to pass. You can spend another 6 months chasing this dream, or you can accept it and move positively forward!! If you take your BS-Lax, and ask yourself the HARD questions, I bet you really DO know the answer. If you can go a couple weeks without AL and it doesn't bother you, then why the heck drink it at all!!!??? Now that I have some pretty good distance from AL, I am absolutely AMAZED at its power. I am flabbergasted the lengths that people will go to just to be able to drink...when we know it is leading us down a dangerous path! I was on the meds threads over the weekend and they are taking dangerous/risky and undocumented doses of stuff over there, all because they are trying to just have a few drinks of AL!! Only with distance can I see this...when I was in it, I was as blind as the next girl. You do NOT need AL to enjoy life....at all! If you think back to the happiest times of your life, I bet it's when you were a kid. You were carefree and not tied to anything, you were able to experience JOY, laughter and peace in your mind...you went to bed tired and slept because you were active all day. THOSE are true feelings. The buzz we get from AL is a lie. All it does for US, is create a problem. If you are able to keep your intake down to one every two weeks, then you will have done what I have never seen before! I contend the only people who can moderate are the ones that don't realize they are doing it. I know that no words of mine can convince you of anything....I was the same way. I just hope it doesn't take you as long to get to a peaceful place as it did me!! I am really envious of the folks who get it right the first time....they are the smart ones!! I just kept going back into the ring, getting the thit beat out of me, falling, getting back up, getting the thit beat out of me, falling, getting back up. I finally got the message! Your relationship with AL is as good today as it is ever going to be. Notice I say 'as good' because it can, and will, get worse with time. Don't believe me, just go back on this site, heck right here in this thread and follow people over 7 years! We will support you in all of your efforts!!!
I'm off to recruit someone for Prize Patrol, no one was knocking my door down to volunteer!! I will be scarce the rest of the week, but will find time to check in. Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Pie]

Newbies Nest

Hi Kensho, Glad you’re back and trying to find your way. I just wanted to respond to your question, “Am I an alcoholic?” In my personal view, there is no such thing as an alcoholic. It’s just a made up label to describe a person who actually has an addiction to alcohol. If I were addicted to heroin, I wouldn’t call myself a heroinic. Or if addicted to oxycontin, using the term oxycontinic wouldn’t occur to me. I have an alcohol addiction, and I will be cured once I stop using my drug of choice.

Not everyone will agree with me, and that’s quite okay. It’s just a belief I hold that’s part of finding my own way out. Something to ponder, perhaps.

Best,
Pie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Kensho,
I went back and pulled your first post. If there is any question about whether or not you are one of us, this should clear it up. There is only thing worse than being a recovering alcoholic....that's NOT being one. AL had such a grip on you that you wrote poetry about it and its affects on you. If our words can't convince you, maybe your own words will.


Good morning. My name is Kensho (not really). Kensho is is a Japanese Zen term. Ken means "seeing," shō means "nature, essence". Kenshō is an initial insight or awakening. It is to be followed by further training to deepen this insight, and learn to express it in daily life.

I am a mother of two young children and a business owner, officing from home. I grew up in a family that appreciated moderate drinking, and didn't frown on a little more than moderate. No abuse, no alcoholism. The "acceptance for" and "celebration of" alcohol gave me the green light to imbibe without fear or thought. From the age of 20 (now 38) I drank moderately. I drank because it helped with social and other anxiety, as well as depression.

8 years ago, when my son was born, life became too much. As a very independent person, I found myself with a very dependent little life. At the same time, I left the design firm I was at and started my own business. I found myself constantly overwhelmed with the responsibilities of a house, business and child... drinking more helped. In 2007, I wrote this during one of my ritual evening drinks:

I want to get fucked up
Float, sail through space;
Notes of liquid music
Sound the rhythm of escape

I want to feel the fuzz
The known numb, a tease
Pressure finds an outlet
And rhythm is release

Discord sounds appealing
With the filter of a sip
Red, thick wine
Fill my mouth and stain my lips

- Kensho 2007

7 years later, I am struggling with my habit. I consume 2-4 drinks per night, which is a recent increase. I still have considerable stress with my successful business, and have noticed no dramatic repercussions from my drinking. But they are there: I distance myself from my husband and children, I am not fit and healthy like I used to be, I am more irritable at night, and I haven't felt 100% upon waking in many years. Most of all, I am terrified of the health consequences I am setting myself up for. My liver hurts, and my hormones seem to be really out of whack (could also be due to the 2-am-ers I frequently pull).

I wrote this in 2011:

I drink and I think and appreciate
My friends of the pete and the starch
Such reliable and comforting allies
As I make my feet do this march.
I?m tired. I?m tired and I?m worn
I?m no match for the schedule I must
2am battles of will and of wake
My house is disorder and dust.
My heart aches for the smiles of my children
And to know what they love, why they laugh
And it hurts that I work when they need me
Through the tears and trials on their path.
I make pretty and foolish amendments
To the spaces of those I?ve just met
Yet its my home that needs more the loving
And my heart that is feeling regret.

(and I wrote this the same year...)

They feel second to tile and phone calls
They are privy to my yelling voice
They are directed in profitable tempo
As I make others my daily choice.
Dollars and stuff and pretty fake fluff
My words try to teach them well
But my actions say ?not now!? and ?hold on a moment?
As I drink and I draft and I sell.

I wake up in the morning, ashamed of myself. I pull through the first hour and carry on with my day - typically successful with my client meetings and work - often plenty of smiles and laughter. I never want a drink in the mornings, yet every day at 2-4 pm I start to think about, and think about, and think about what I can drink. I'm so tired of this fight. Most days I give in and just buy the damn wine. Some days I hold out until after dinner and sneak whatever liquor from our basement cabinet that won't be noticed. Then I become tired, irritable, and I don't read books to my children as well as I could. If I go back to working at 9:00, I drink because I hate the fact that I'm working. If I don't work, I drink more because I feel guilty that I'm not working, or as a "reward" that I can relax. Then I fall asleep often not attending to the huge laundry pile or dishes, and certainly not my husband for a cuddle or alone time (I have no libido).

Occasionally over the past few years, I've had a good fight inside me:

A DANGEROUS FLIRT
You call for me
Early in the day with a
Provocative promise
of guilty satisfaction.
But I am better than you
I am a fighter.
The center of my core
Greets you at my door
and pushes back against
your smooth intoxication.
I will beat you.
- Kensho 2012

Yet, here I am in 2014. Drinking every night, and sometimes as early as 2:00 in the afternoon.

I want to have a clear mind and feel a clean body. I want more than anything to be a "present" mother and wife and friend. I want to teach my children that alcohol is not a way to cope. I want to know that I am not willingly contributing to future health risks - I'm sure I've done some damage already. I want to be with myself and feel comfortable in my skin without the numb of a drink.

And I don't know how.
__________________
Kensho

Walking into new territory...

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie, so sad about your friend.....I hope whatever happens that she has peace and relief from pain.....will say a wee prayer for her.
And Kensho, a great talent you have......I would love to read more as you go through the steps of recovery....

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Jumping in early to wish everyone a safe night in the nest.
Still having these crazy T storms & never know when the power is going to disappear.

Byrdie, I am sorry about your friend, that's very sad but not unheard of really. I am sure they will take good care of her at Duke. Please take good care of yourself :l

Kensho, it's all up to you. You decide which path to take & make your plan!

Stay safe everyone!

Lav

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1682841 wrote: Late check in for me! Good to see everyone! Juja, Kensho, MyLuck!

My friend is deteriorating faster than her doctors have ever seen. In the span of 6 weeks a speck the size of a garden pea has spread all over her body. She was admitted to Duke yesterday and being kept comfortable until she passes. I am leaving tomorrow morning to go up there. She's not even getting the 3 months they speculated. We are all stunned. It really makes you think just how precious life is. Hugs to all, Byrdie

Byrdie, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I'm glad you will be able to go and be with her - I'm sure that will be very comforting for her. Having been through something similar, I think it will be very challenging for you emotionally, but will likely be something you'll never regret. Being with someone as they prepare to leave this life is a very humbling honor.

Hugs to you, your friend, and her family. :huggy

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Hugs Byrdie. I know there's truth in what you say and I'll think on it. So sorry about your friend. Take care.