Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

OK. So I understand why I have not wanted to give this up entirely. I don't like feeling left out, and like there is something wrong with me. I just want to be normal - I want it to be like it was. I feel flat and bummed out. I feel like sobbing.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Pepper, your situation sounds similar to mine. I thought I was hiding it really well, but I wasnt fooling anyone but myself. He finally had enough. I am glad this has solidified your commitment. We have too much to lose!

Kensho, the voices trying to pull us back to the misty watercolor memories of the way we were are nothing more than Dick Head telling us lies. The only way to get rid of these feelings is to break the cycle of addition. The first week is the hardest, and it gets harder every single time. Dont look back, there is nothing back there for you. Try to eat something or go reading thru the Tool Box or watch The Rain in My Heart Documentaries. Tomorrow you will be so glad you stuck it out. Keep reading and posting! Here is something that helped me when I wanted to take the edge off, it's from the Tool Box:

Originally Posted by Sober Visitor

JUNKIE THINKING: One drink won't hurt.
RESPONSE: One drink will always hurt me, and it always will because I'm not a social drinker. One sip and I'll be drinking compulsively again.

JUNKIE THINKING: I only want one.
RESPONSE: I have never wanted only one. In fact, I want 5 or 10 or 15 every day. I want them all.

JUNKIE THINKING: I’ll just be a social drinker.
RESPONSE: I’m a chronic, compulsive drinker, and once I drink one I’ll quickly be thinking about the next one. Social drinkers can take it or leave it. That’s not me.

JUNKIE THINKING: I'm doing so well, one won't hurt me now.
RESPONSE: The only reason I'm doing so well is because I haven't taken the first one. Yet once I do, I won't be doing well anymore, I'll be drinking again.

JUNKIE THINKING: I'll just stop again.
RESPONSE: Sounds easy, but who am I trying to kid? Look how long it took me to stop this time? And once I start, how long will it take before I get sick enough to face withdrawal again? In fact, when I'm back in the grip of compulsion, what guarantee do I have that I'll ever be able to stop again?

JUNKIE THINKING: If I slip, I'll keep trying.
RESPONSE: If I think I can get away with one little "slip" now, I'll think I can get away with another little slip later on.

JUNKIE THINKING: I need one to get me through this withdrawal.
RESPONSE: Drinking will not get me through the discomfort of not drinking. It will only get me back to drinking. One sip stops the process of withdrawal and I'll have to go through it all over again.

JUNKIE THINKING: I miss drinking right now.
RESPONSE: Of course I miss something I've been doing every day for most of my life. But do I miss the pain of drinking right now? Do I miss the worry, the embarrassment? I'd rather be an ex-drinker with an occasional desire to drink, than a drinker with a constant desire to stop doing it.

JUNKIE THINKING: I really need to drink now. I'm so upset.
RESPONSE: Drinking is not going to fix anything. I'll still be upset; I'll just be an upset drunk. I never have to have a drink. Drinking alcohol is not a need, it's a want. Once the crisis is over, I'll be relieved and grateful I'm still not drinking.

JUNKIE THINKING: I don't care.
RESPONSE: WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT I THINK I DON'T CARE ABOUT? Can I truthfully say I don't care about my pain? I don't care about having a hangover in the morning? I don't care about what I'm doing to my liver, lungs, kidney, and heart? I don’t care about all the people I’ve hurt. No, I care about these things very much. That's why I stopped drinking in the first place.

JUNKIE THINKING: What difference does it make, anyway?
RESPONSE: It makes a difference in the way I live, the way my heart beats, the way I feel about myself. It makes a tremendous difference in every aspect of my physical and emotional health.
__________________

Byrdie

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Kensho....hang in there....I 'know' this is easier said than done. I am assuming you are amid drinkers right now (re your earlier post). But really think this through. Of course that first one or 2 drinks are tempting. After that, have you got the self-control to stop before you get drunk? Re-read your first post and the desperation that you felt......do you want to start over again and go through that first shit week? Because you will want to....
I guarantee you would not wake in the morning and think it was worth it.....
You feel left out....it takes time to change your thinking and develop a new life doing activities that alcohol does not allow for......when you progress and are really living and enjoying that sober life I would bet anything that quite a few drinkers will envy you....I know I did in my drunken days! Who is feeling left out then?
It takes time and most of all faith and trust that those further on in their sobriety know what they are talking about......
Hope you stay strong.....good on you for posting!

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

It was a fairly decent day in the weather department afterall
Got some outside work done too - yay!

peppersnow, please remember that your drinking days are over. It's all in the past, it's history now. We can't erase it & it's important that we don't dwell on it either. You are doing great, just keep moving forward

Kensho, if we could all suddenly become 'normal drinkers' we probably all would. That's just not going to happen. Don't feel deprived, feel gratitude that you are no longer willing to pour poison down your throat! Sit down & write out your gratitude list, keep updating it as you go along!!!

Wishing everyone a peaceful & safe night in the nest!

Lav

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

X-post Byrdie....had trouble sending.....
Pepper, think you are getting to the time for talking.....maybe good it took this long....you needed to prove to yourself first that you could do it and get to know yourself again. I have a funny feeling this good be the start of a beautiful new relationship!

[available]

Newbies Nest

Hi Byrd and sending you big hugs lovely, i hope things settle down for you for a bit now.

Pepper the lines of communication are open and even if by email it is an enormous start in building your relationship again. Its amazing how good we think we are at hiding our al but the only people we really hide anything from is ourselves. I know when my mother used to come and visit me that i realise now i felt resentment as i then had to plan my drinking very carefully. She could drink 2 or three at night but for me that set my al brain into wanting more and more so i had to buy more al for just ME when i was tired at 7.30pm. I could then go to my room and hide and drink. Mum used to tell the kids that she thought i drank too much but i am sure she had no idea just how much. Of course she was never game to say anything as i would go into denial mode. She always left early after an argument. How sad is that but happily to say i am off to visit her next weekend and she can have her two or three glasses and i will have my tea. There is no hiding anymore, no shame and guilt just a few bridges to mend in time. Giving up al does make it so worthwhile when we realise finally the pain and hurt we have caused others.

Kensho, believe it or not you are normal. Normal people do not shovel al down their throats at a rapid rate of knots daily. Normal people can be sociable and have one or two and not worry about their next drink and can go weeks and weeks without al. Normal people are not on an alky site. We are here as we cant control al in our lives. We may think we can but we cannot. We have all tried to moderate to be "normal" and 99.9% of us have failed and we come back here with our tail between our legs, feeling guilt and shame and depression and anxiety to try again. We finally realise that we cannot have that one drink as our al brain goes into overdrive for more and more. As time goes on you will feel normal. Ask people with days up if they feel normal and the answer will be yes. Its getting those days up that the hard work is needed. We have all been where you are and i know myself i sometimes thought the oldies just stopped drinking and that was it and just had no idea, but nope they did the hard yards, to get to where they are today. Some days are harder than others but for me everyday i wake up and say that i do not drink. Believe us when we say it does get easier and normal is just fine. I felt left out when i was too drunk to walk, talk, function. Now i am present at all times, every single day and i wont give that up for just one drink ever.

London so glad you stayed in and yes you are cranky with yourself and thats fine. As long as you did not drink you can be as pissed with yourself as you want but tomorrow will be another day you are sober and you will be happy about that.

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Ava, maybe I missed it but how did the interview go?

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

Peppersnow - Thanks for sharing everything. That took a lot of courage to tell everything to your husband, even through an email. I totally get how sometimes writing is easier than talking at least initially, and now it sounds like you are both ready for a conversation. It really is an eye-opener when people tell us our charade wasn't working, isn't it? So, the good news is that: a) you have been AF for 117 days and counting, and you both recognize that you're more yourself (in a good way), and b) he didn't leave you and is willing to communicate in some fashion. Hugs and continued strength to you.

Kensho - I sooooooo get the desire to not feel left out. I wrestled with this quite acutely just a few weeks ago, and it's one of my biggest on-going challenges. I think a lot about upcoming social events where I know there will be a lot of drinking, and I muse over what I'll say, how I'll explain not drinking, etc. I worry that they won't think I'm fun or that I don't know how to relax or something. Honestly, I'm sure I'm over-analyzing everything, but I can't seem to help it right now. One thing that has helped me a bit is reframing things in my mind and equating not drinking with some other things I don't do and don't have a problem standing firm about. For example, I've been a vegetarian for 30 years and have no problems or worries about explaining this. I just explain that it's my personal choice, not a judgment of anyone else, and off we go. I also don't smoke, and no amount of wanting to fit in or belong would make me change that. Perhaps there is some similar parallel you can grab onto for now that will help you stay AF but not feel left out?

Also, good for you on riding the bike! I hope it helped relieve some of your anxiety, even if only temporarily.

Hugs :l


London - Being angry or cranky is totally normal. Not comfortable or pleasant necessarily, but normal. Ride this out and you'll get over one of your tripping points of late. You are stronger and more centered than you might feel right now. Just trust in yourself, breathe, and hang in there.


Keep posting everyone - we're here for you.

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Kensh0- I felt exactly that way the first time 20 of us were going Kayaking and everyone was drinking but me. When a group of us went to the store for "drinks" I felt left out and felt like crying. For a whole a list of reasons. Making a major life change like stopping AL is a process. Your physical and physiological self will be going through many changes. It's going to be emotional and that is okay. Give yourself time to re-learn to live AF. You won't be sorry and one day soon you will be so very glad you did. AL, aka poison destroys us. It just takes a little distance to see things clearly. Hang in there, I promise it does get better quickly.

Pepper- Communicating is one of the best ways to begin to repair any kind of damage to a relationship. I wish you strength and support.

DD- Woo Hoo!!!! You go Girl!!!

Birdie- Sorry about your friend. I've lost a few myself. A couple I gave physical care to until the end. Reminds us that life is a precious gift to be lived to the fullest.

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Lavande;1684057 wrote:
Sarah, I really hope you get what you want from your Mom. But if you don't, what's going to happen? Are you going to make your sobriety dependent on your Mother's ability to show love & support?
We all want the important people in our lives to show love & support but sometimes we just have to accept that they don't or cannot for their own reasons. I have experienced this with my husband, my father & others. I found that we all have the strength to do the right thing for ourselves independently. Why continue to sit & wait for something that may or may not be coming.

Trust yourself & don't worry about what's coming or not coming from another person

No Ma'am Lav...my sobriety will not revolve around my mom. I just journeled it as I know the thoughts of it are a trigger. I draw support from hubby and here. I will do this.

Love,
Sarah

[available]

Newbies Nest

I will revolve around your mother or anyone unless you stop drinking AT people Sarah. I am extremely interested to know when your next af day is going to be?

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Thanks y'all. Made it. Just felt a bit lost. Not the way family gatherings have ever been (me not having a drink), and I know every one of them noticed. The fact that they didn't say anything, and that the feeling bothered me so much says something powerful to me... That it is an issue.

Thanks Byrdie for listing my every Dick Head thought... Timely. And glad to know others have been in same situation. It seemed easier to stop the first time... For 15 days in March. I guess it was more if a personal challenge for me then, not a serious consideration for a new lifestyle. How will this change my relationship with my husband? With my family? Why is it harder this time? Did I really have a big enough problem to quit completely?

Anyway... Wouldn't have made it tonight without you all. Was feeling very alone and I felt your support and kindness. Thanks. I am operating on faith on days like this that you veterans know what you are talking about. Hangin tough.

[Ginger999]

Newbies Nest

Good job Kensho! These little wins will multiple into days and days of sobriety. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for the good peeps on this site. There is so much support and wisdom here. Whenever I feel like slipping I come straight here and read, post, read. I had no idea how crappy I'd feel at first when I quit.OMG!! It was a struggle for sure but after a few weeks things started to turn around. The headaches stopped, the sugar cravings became manageable and for the first time in years I'm sleeping like a baby. It was the best decision I ever made. Stay close and win this fight!

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, all:

GREAT job, Kensho. I had those feelings a lot - not so much that I wanted to drink or get buzzed, but that I wanted to be "normal." As a matter of fact, I still do have those feelings - they are just much, much less severe and much, much less often. As my counselor said - well? And? My wishing to be a "normal" drinker (whatever that means) isn't going to change the truth that I'm not. May as well move on... (Ava- see, you could be a counselor!)

Pepper - a very moving story. I didn't email my husband, but we ended up together with no distractions for three hours and we had it all out. I still think he didn't get how much drinking I was doing or how much it changed me and our relationship. It is better now, but for sure there are things that we have to work out now that I'm sober that we could avoid better when I was avoiding a lot of hard things. That was brave of you, and I'm sure you'll have a great conversation because of it. His email can serve as fortification against a relapse - you don't want that to actually happen, right?

Londoner - Sorry about your anger. Exercise helps me work out negative feelings, somewhat, although the thing about feelings and NOT boozing is that we actually do have to work through them eventually. Hope you feel great on Sunday morning!

Byrdie - hugs to you.

Good night all. I ate too much tonight - so happy I didn't DRINK too much.

Pav

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, all:

GREAT job, Kensho. I had those feelings a lot - not so much that I wanted to drink or get buzzed, but that I wanted to be "normal." As a matter of fact, I still do have those feelings - they are just much, much less severe and much, much less often. As my counselor said - well? And? My wishing to be a "normal" drinker (whatever that means) isn't going to change the truth that I'm not. May as well move on... (Ava- see, you could be a counselor!)

Pepper - a very moving story. I didn't email my husband, but we ended up together with no distractions for three hours and we had it all out. I still think he didn't get how much drinking I was doing or how much it changed me and our relationship. It is better now, but for sure there are things that we have to work out now that I'm sober that we could avoid better when I was avoiding a lot of hard things. That was brave of you, and I'm sure you'll have a great conversation because of it. His email can serve as fortification against a relapse - you don't want that to actually happen, right?

Londoner - Sorry about your anger. Exercise helps me work out negative feelings, somewhat, although the thing about feelings and NOT boozing is that we actually do have to work through them eventually. Hope you feel great on Sunday morning!

Byrdie - hugs to you.

Good night all. I ate too much tonight - so happy I didn't DRINK too much.

Pav