Newbies Nest

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning Everyone, and thanks for all the kind words welcoming me back.

It is so good to be settled back on "my twig".

I took it very easy this weekend and have taken the day off work today to work on some college preparation duties with my youngest dtr. I am feeling guilty about not going in to work, but my job is extremely stressful a.t.m. and it is a strong trigger for me, so I am giving myself one more day without it. Besides, I do have some very important things to help my dtr take care of and I still am not feeling very well.

Weary, here's my BEFORE "selfie":nutso:

I know I will get out of this slump eventually, but I have had absolutely no self control or ambition for months now. It is so good to hear so many of you doing so well.

Oh, one awesome thing that happened this morning is that my husband told me he wants to start "taking better care of himself" and he meant not drinking like he did last week. He is not an alcoholic, but does drink, probably daily. He drank more vodka than he should have last week and felt really bad afterwards. He asked for my help. He has NO IDEA how much or how often I drink, although he knows I am drunk A LOT (well, all the time, really, but he doesn't know it). I told him that I am very happy that we are all trying to get healthy. And I AM!

My plan for today is to help my dtr, try to keep a positive and grateful attitude, eat and drink (water) and get as much rest as possible.

Love you all!

[Wearywino]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1684803 wrote: Good morning! My emotions are all over the map... but getting a little easier.

Weary, there is an app called "Drinking Mirror". You download your photo in and tell it how much you drink. Then it ages you accordingly - 10 yrs., 20 yrs., 30 yrs. later. It's scary and motivating!

Thanks to everyone here!

kensho - I had a quick look at the app an chickened out! I look bad enough now as it is - I think the shock would drive me back to the bottle!! :H Maybe save that pleasure for a few weeks time!

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Hi Kensho.

Our emotions are usually all over the place at first. That is absolutely normal. And I shudder to think what I would look like with 10 more years of this drunkeness. Probably a corpse.

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

The problem is that I I felt like I was handling day to day much better while drinking than I am now. I'm not sure if it's biological or what, but the no drinking has thrown me for a loop this time... I am handling life WORSE than I was while drinking. I had a rhythm then. It was not healthy, but it wasn't all up in the air either - I knew what to expect from most days and just kept on keepin' on. I can't continue that pattern, but how long should I expect to feel totally up-ended? It's really uncomfortable. I have worked very hard to build this business, and have a lot riding on "having it together" for conversations with clients, head-hunters, etc. I'm finding myself really forgetful, and kind of "dingbat". Is this typical?

[Wearywino]

Newbies Nest

Kensho - I've been reading lots of sober blogs and one that is really inspiring is Unpickled - in her last blog she talks about being three years sober and says the following which might resonate with you:

You see, if we just quit drinking and make no other changes, we are stuck with all those old ways of interpreting, internalizing and acting out. This is sometimes called being a ?dry drunk?.

If we are going to go to all of the effort of getting and staying sober, we might as well muck through a bit more and change things so that we don?t just end up miserable from some other broken crutch (shopping, gambling, sex, food, and so on).

[RedJib]

Newbies Nest

Completely normal, I think. Our brains and nervous systems are doing a lot of work to 'recalibrate'. It's a bit frightening, all the same. I'm having the same "duh" moments and forgetting things, way more than when I was drinking. I have to be sharp and focused in my work too, and that' sure not the way I feel in early sobriety. Patience, patience, I guess!

[Wearywino]

Newbies Nest

Starfish1;1684804 wrote:

Weary, here's my BEFORE "selfie":nutso:

Ha ha - that could be me on a good hair day! :H

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

OK, thanks for putting up with my frequent posts. I went to anther family gathering last night and accepted a spritzer handed to me AT THE FREEKING DOOR. Drank half of it. I talked myself into thinking that this almost equated nothing. WRONG. I changed roll call to a zero, and I'm sorry for thinking "it was nothing". Couldn't get through the morning abusing the integrity of the roll call. I'm sorry.

I did the "test" - I wanted more - I am very clear now that alcohol and I don't mix, even in moderation. I am putting it out there that I understand completely now that I cannot drink. Not at all. Zero. There is no "abstain for 30 days - then drink"... there is none for me. Forever. Period.

I have never felt worse than I did this past week, and never more clear today how this bastard AL twists my thinking - IT'S F'ING AMAZING! So, intentions are set to stop completely - forever. Thank you all for helping me to get to this point, and for the support. I am not looking forward to this month ahead, but I believe you all that it gets easier after that.

Thank you and please accept my apology going forward.

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

Hello everyone,

Wagmore, byrdlady, Lavande, Sarah, pavati, available, wierywino, starfish, pepper now. Thanks so much for the wishes.

It meas a lot to me especially the support I have got. I started this journey with some of them together and its sad that they are left behind. I hope and wish they find will to get back their feet and start again.

Went out to enjoy barbeque here is Seoul. I am really enjoying the Korean food. I always that Korea, Taiwan, Chinese is all same. It turns out its not! It great. One thing they have in common is Korean wine. Which is strong AL bitter like vodka which is 18% Al taken neat along with food. He did offer it to me with all the justification: its nice and light. Drinking is always good when taken with groups. Korea has the highest per capita AL drinking but not high alcoholics as we dont believe in drinking alone. Yeah ! Cheers to that !! Lol ...I was sipping my coke.

Tomorrow another day day after I fly to Taiwan.

Take care good night ....

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1684857 wrote: OK, thanks for putting up with my frequent posts. I went to anther family gathering last night and accepted a spritzer handed to me AT THE FREEKING DOOR. Drank half of it. I talked myself into thinking that this almost equated nothing. WRONG. I changed roll call to a zero, and I'm sorry for thinking "it was nothing". Couldn't get through the morning abusing the integrity of the roll call. I'm sorry.

I did the "test" - I wanted more - I am very clear now that alcohol and I don't mix, even in moderation. I am putting it out there that I understand completely now that I cannot drink. Not at all. Zero. There is no "abstain for 30 days - then drink"... there is none for me. Forever. Period.

I have never felt worse than I did this past week, and never more clear today how this bastard AL twists my thinking - IT'S F'ING AMAZING! So, intentions are set to stop completely - forever. Thank you all for helping me to get to this point, and for the support. I am not looking forward to this month ahead, but I believe you all that it gets easier after that.

Thank you and please accept my apology going forward.

Kensho - Personally, I would say "no apology needed" and I'm sure many others would agree. Thank you for sharing what happened - we can all learn from this and support you as well. Thanks also for your honesty and integrity, but of course it is most important to be honest with yourself, as you have been.

Your experience sounds like it was worth its weight in gold for the learning and realizations it brought you. This clarity will likely pay off in numerous ways as you move forward, so in some ways it was a huge gift. Your resolve is obviously strong, and I'm confident you will succeed.

Ok, Day One again, but so much wiser about your own situation and limitations.

:l to you

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Kensho, get yourself to Day 13 and your emotions will begin to even out. Mine were all over the place, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but once I hit D13, I KNEW I could do it.
I will try and find that great post from NS talking about what is physically happening after we quit, there is some real science behind it. XO, Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Wow, Kensho, you've had a heck of a day! I hope you're feeling a little more settled this evening.

Maybe having made the decision that you're done with drinking permanently will help you get through these tough early days -- you've decided your endpoint so you no longer have to feel the uncertainty that comes when you're not sure where you're going. That decision also makes it so you no longer have to have the internal debate about what/now much/whether to drink - you already know your answer: You don't drink.

There are all kinds of biochemical changes going on in you during the first few days and weeks of not drinking. Your body is shocked that it isn't getting its easily metabolized fuel, alcohol, and all the things that come with it. I felt awful for a couple weeks and really did very little. I felt and acted like a person with a horrible flu. I'm always amazed at those of you who proceed to pretty much live your normal lives at the beginning. To the extent possible, I'd try to be gentle with myself and not push to do too much (other than not drink).

Your post suggests that you were doing fine while you were drinking and it is worse now:

The problem is that I I felt like I was handling day to day much better while drinking than I am now. I'm not sure if it's biological or what, but the no drinking has thrown me for a loop this time... I am handling life WORSE than I was while drinking. I had a rhythm then. It was not healthy, but it wasn't all up in the air either - I knew what to expect from most days and just kept on keepin' on.

It is possible that you were handling things better but it is also possible that you just thought you were. Many people (including me) came here considering themselves high-functioning alcoholics because they managed their jobs and lives, hadn't been in jail, etc. But once our minds and bodies have had time to heal, it is clear that we really weren't doing as well as we thought - the alcohol helped shield us from our reality (which is why many of us drank in the first place!).

For a few days or a couple weeks, put your quit first, Kensho. Meet your absolute responsibilities to your job and your family but otherwise, I hope you can give yourself a break so you can have a chance to make it past the big changes going on inside of you.

All the best, NS

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Just reporting a really good, profitable day here. My dtr and I got some great work accomplished in preparation for college next month. We enjoyed the day and it was so much nicer and easier to deal with it all stone cold sober. Have a great evening everyone :l

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

Meh day here, but that happens, drinking or not. I feel blah and unmotivated to do what I SHOULD be doing.

I am going to a friend's house who I haven't seen in a long time. She is a drinking buddy for sure, and I have to admit a tad bit of anxiety about hanging out. I'm sure I'm not going to drink, but the thought of her house and the endless glasses of wine I've had there was enough to set my AL brain to work. I am posting here to process this thought (out of the blue!) and to keep myself honest lest I think I have this thing licked.

Way to go, Star. Sending a kid to college will be hard for me - I'm glad you had some good times together.

Kensho - sorry you drank but happy that you came right back with strengthened resolve.

Rahul - the sober traveler. I'm telling you - a book is in the making.

NS - I didn't feel awful but my head was foggy for a while - that was a surprise as I thought it would be more clear right away. I took good care of myself, too, and stayed close to home.

Tomorrow I am going on a three day trip with no access to wifi - I'll be back Thursday night but might not be able to post until Friday morning. Stay strong, Nest. I'll see you in a few...

Pav

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Glad you are enjoying your AF days Starfish!

Kensho, lesson learned, right? No need to repeat that experiment
Wishing you the best as you move forward!

Greetings to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for one & all!

Lav