Newbies Nest

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

:bday7: Happy Birthday, DD and congratulations on 90 Days! We all love you and hope to hear from you whenever you feel like posting.

:welcome: See the Light. It's great to have you here with us!

I'm feeling a little blue these days, but enjoying reading everyone's posts. Keep up the great work everyone :l

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Welcome, STL -- I am catching up and read your intro, and my daily intake of AL was very similar to yours, it sounds. My DH told me recently that he used to hope that I'd get into a small accident and get a DWI, which blew me away, because we have a great relationship and he loves me. The knowledge that someone who loves me hoped I'd experience physical harm and legal trouble makes any lingering thoughts of "Maybe I wasn't that bad" seem as ridiculous as "Maybe I can breathe under water".

Try again - the supplements are not magic pills, but they do help. They helped me, along with anti-anxiety supplements like GABA and HTP5. Both should make you sleepy...you might try over-the-counter sleep meds, and make sure you go to bed early WITH your wife. If you're like me, I consumed the most after everyone went to bed and stayed downstairs by myself until I passed out.

Check in here often, too, especially when you get an urge. You'll do this!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Superwoman

Thank you for being so inspiring Cherokeer!

I have received 5 new client calls in the past two days. When it rains, it pours. I just got off the phone with a potential client, and am looking at my to-do-list right now - I'm behind! I keep thinking "If I just go back to drinking, I can keep up this schedule and get all this new work done. Just a few drinks at night...". It seems so easy - I was functioning before. Basically I'm at a crossroads: at that point where I can go back to the way things were, and make a lot of money and be drunk through my evenings and nights and "pull it off"... or I can figure out a way to deal with the overwhelm and move forward while being sober. Obviously, I know I have closed the door on the past, but I will need to invent a new way to deal with the future. And I don't know how. But that's what this new found "clarity" is for, right?

My superwoman complex that has led me to believe that I can (or should?) do and be everything. I've had it my whole life... "I'll do-it-by-myself..." (strange that is what my 4 yr. old says to me all the time). I have more than proven that I can succeed - maybe it's time to work smarter, not harder because being "everything" just left me so tired and fatigued that I had to use a poison to deal with it. I guess this is the point in my life that I need to learn to delegate and hire help.

I won't drink, but it sure is tempting me as a way to get through - the problem is that it just isn't any way to live. And I want to live - really live - and be here to see my kids live. SO here I go in uncharted waters to try and figure out the stuff that I could only identify and deal with once I took AL out of the equation. I guess this is what Byrdie calls the "through" part. ("The only way out is through").

I don't know if I would be "dealing" if it weren't for you all here - caring ears - for me to be accountable and bounce ideas around with. Thank you with all of my heart. :h

[See the Light]

Newbies Nest

Thx Peppersnow- Unfortunately you nailed it..that is what got me in trouble initially...2 youngs kids and a wife who typically went to bed long before me, so I used that idle time to get myself in trouble. I need to get back to a normal sleep schedule and one that is more natural. I may talk to my doc about the anxiety..I've never actually directly addressed the drinking with my doc either, but seeing my blood tests I suspect she knows..might be a next step if I am not sucessful this time...glad to hear you stopped before any accidents or trouble happended, that surely is not the way anyone should learn a lesson

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Kensho, your post reminded me of something Kuya wrote some time ago....I just went back thru the archives and dusted it off for you....maybe it will give you some perspective....it's a mighty good post!

01-06-2013, 11:40 PM
BE HUMAN, BE IMPERFECTAND GET SOBER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was not raised by my birth parents but my foster father drank more than we could afford. Alcoholic, no, heavy drinker, yes. He was always critical of my foster mother and I. We were never good enough and his disappointment in us was crushing. So I grew up to be a perfectionist, but I was never good enough for me. Constantly anxious that things weren't done well enough, that I would be found out as not good enough, a fraud.

I was living a miserable, anxious existence, highly successful to the outside world, but depressingly stressful. Then life compounded my stress with an extremely violent boyfriend and I drank to numb the fear and my 'perfect' world fell around my ears so I drank some more. And he left me with a child to raise so I drank some more because I was so furious that THIS should happen to ME who had been so PERFECT! So I sulked and drank, and sulked and drank and 23 years slipped away and I realised that I was going to die sulking and drinking and the world would just move on. I would be remembered, not as perfect and successful, but as a sad old drunk......and then a miracle happened........

I REALISED THAT NO ONE WAS GOING TO RESCUE ME, SO I GREW THE FUCK UP!

Last year I stopped for the first time, for 9 weeks and it was easy, easy despite the fact I had been brainwashed into thinking it was hard. I wasn't prepared for 'forever' cos I didn't think I could stop. This time it was harder to start cos I KNEW it was forever, and 4 months in I will say it gets easier by the day.

Even in my sobriety I have learnt to drop the perfectionist. I was told exercise helped, but I was tired for months so I sat on my butt, ate and waited. Last week I got my energy back.... I have shed 5kg with no effort. I looked at the chaos booze had caused and let most of it be. I just cared for me, the house and the garden could and did wait. I take lots of supplements....some days I forgot.....oh well, I took them the next day.I know that eating well and healthily is important, but some nights I wanted a curry, and I had a curry.

In other words I protected my quit by NOT being perfect. Perfection had not made me happy before I drank or when I drank so I wasn't going to try and be perfect in recovery.

It has taken 23 years to surface and strangely I can thank that violent damaged man for forcing me to see myself as merely human, imperfect but good enough. I am now an authentic human 'being' NOT a human 'doing'.

I do my work well, but sometimes not as well as I might. My home is clean enough to be comfortable and welcoming ( there are some dust bunnies....they can wait a day or two). Really should pluck my eyebrows......later ( if I have nothing more interesting to do).
I feel like a swim.....yep gonna go for a swim soon with my daughter, turn on some music and have a laugh. Should sit and pay some bills.......naw, going for a swim

Today I am perfectly imperfect....... I have achieved the first line of my signature.

I AM HAPPY
__________________
GET HAPPY OR DIE TRYING AF SEPT 1ST 2012

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie, how do you stash this stuff in all the right places so you can pull it out at just the right time? Amazing. Thank you. It is about perfection, and also about re-inventing new ways of coping and lessening stress. We all have our reasons for wanting to numb with alcohol. When we stop drinking, we get to face those things - and we have the opportunity to deal with them - as life was intended (drinking is such a cop out!). Kuya reminds us that being gentle with ourselves makes this process easier. Thanks :h

[See the Light]

Newbies Nest

Yes, that is a great post...F- Bombs and all. It's an illustration of what happens as we move from being a child to an adult and decide we have to win every battle, accomplish every goal. I think I spend too much time nagging my 10 year son to clean up this, and to do a better job at that. He does it with prodding, but other wise is not all that concerned and would rather do things that make him happy . I don't think he is lazy, but now I see he's just much more laid back then me. Always happy with a smile on his face, even after I nag or yell him. He inspires me and I want a little more of that back in my life. I don't advocate being lazy, but I think if a lot of us were more laid back (probably many here have already figured that out), maybe that stressful source of AL wouldn't be as prominent.

[Cherokeer]

Newbies Nest

Thanks everyone, I feel like a million bucks. Now onto day 90.

[Daevid]

Newbies Nest

Thank you everyone, especially those on Newbies Nest and Newbies Roll Call. You are helping me enormously through these early days. One day at a time.

[available]

Newbies Nest

DD happy 90th and happy birthday. What an accomplishment to celebrate both huge milestones in one day. Byrd nailed it with what she said about our bodies being the carrier of our souls. You will get there DD and like with drinking we can only do one day at a time. I do hope you have a beautiful birthday as you deserve it.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

See the Light;1687706 wrote: Yes, that is a great post...F- Bombs and all. It's an illustration of what happens as we move from being a child to an adult and decide we have to win every battle, accomplish every goal. I think I spend too much time nagging my 10 year son to clean up this, and to do a better job at that. He does it with prodding, but other wise is not all that concerned and would rather do things that make him happy . I don't think he is lazy, but now I see he's just much more laid back then me. Always happy with a smile on his face, even after I nag or yell him. He inspires me and I want a little more of that back in my life. I don't advocate being lazy, but I think if a lot of us were more laid back (probably many here have already figured that out), maybe that stressful source of AL wouldn't be as prominent.

Amen to this! You will see that a goodly number of us suffer from the disease to please and perfectionism. As I was able to sort my way out of the pit, I have learned many skills and one of them is to try and be present in the moment. If I'm going to eat a cookie, I sit there and by golly, I ENJOY it! As an alkie, I was always thinking about the NEXT thing. My perspective has changed drastically since becoming sober....all for the better! I appreciate life and my surroundings more. Maybe we are trying to compensate for the drinking by trying to do it all? Sort of a chicken and egg thing (with apologies to Lav's beloved Stella). Drinking to mask it and masking it by drinking?? Who knows, all I know is it gets better the longer you are sober!
Byrdie

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

On that same note Byrdie, I've been trying to feel good the things I DO accomplish in a day (not what I don't), including items like sitting with my 4 yr old this morning looking out the window, taking a shower, enjoying some ice cream, breathing.... Its not just work done that makes a day good or rewarding (but it does pay the bills).

Gosh Darn do I want that stupid wine. F-off AL voice. I'm busy living better. Here's the dialog...

What will happen if I drink wine tonight?
Just one glass with dinner:

It will taste good. I will feel immediately bad that I ruined my streak. I will immediately like the fuzzy feeling and need one more drink to feel the real deal. I will be pleasantly buzzed, and then keep sneaking to the cupboard to get another swallow – until ? of the bottle is gone. I will be too tired to keep up with the work tonight and will fall asleep reading HP to my son at 8:30, and not ask him any questions about it. I will snap at my children and husband. I will wake up at 3am, feeling yucky. I will wake up again at 7:00, and peel my eyes open. I will be really pissed at myself because I didn’t get up to exercise like I promised myself and I have been really enjoying feeling fitter. I will snap at my children and husband again. I will not be prepared for my day of meetings and will bullshit my way through most of them and come home feeling like I sucked the day up. Then I will want that last glass of wine, but it won’t be enough, so I will go down to the liquor cabinet and sneak 2-3 more shots of whatever – repeat. But just one with dinner, right?

Pros for drinking tonight:
- Feel remorseful buzz for 2 hours
Cons:
- Feel remorseful – not respecting self
- Feel dishonest when sneak more
- Miss enjoyable evening time with son and husband – feel bad when I snap at them
- Feel unprepared for my meetings
- Miss exercise and that confidence boost
- Feel tired and yucky all day
- Repeat the shitty first few days AF – delay the relief of being long term AF

Basically, that voice is selling me a very bad deal. Shut up voice.

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Aw DD, nearly missed this......so proud of you on your hard-earned 90 days! And a belated Happy Birthday! Always know we wish you well and do what you need to do......lots of hugs.......shout out if you need a friend.....

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, it sure was a busy day around here & that's great

DD, once again Happy Birthday to you & Congrats on your 90 AF days!!!! You are showing amazing strength & growth
Chero, Congrats on your 60 AF days - great job!!!

Hello & welcome STL!
I was suffering from crippling anxiety when I first joined this forum back in early 2009. Everything is better now, not perfect but definitely better. Use the great tools in the Tool box - they really help!

Greetings to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, it sure was a busy day around here & that's great

DD, once again Happy Birthday to you & Congrats on your 90 AF days!!!! You are showing amazing strength & growth
Chero, Congrats on your 60 AF days - great job!!!

Hello & welcome STL!
I was suffering from crippling anxiety when I first joined this forum back in early 2009. Everything is better now, not perfect but definitely better. Use the great tools in the Tool box - they really help!

Greetings to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav