Newbies Nest

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Kensho, we 'are' people like you.....keep going .....don't lose hope.
Seethe light, well done on 8 days.....now you know what you are capable of.......the money I was drinking sickened me too...

[guapo]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1689951 wrote: I wish it weren't the case but I'm going to be honest and say that I drank 3.5 last night. The very fact that I measure it in .5's is almost humorous to me, or very sad. I got all mad because I recognized a lot in myself when reading about ADD and dopamine... and that bastard AL voice snuck in and took advantage of me feeling sorry for myself - once again, I felt broken somehow and thought I deserved a "fix".... cuz my brain is "missing dopamine". I do wonder how this resolves over time when there is no alcohol ... longstanding depression?


I don't know how you veterans have the patience for people like me here. It must be so frustrating to read. I know I am frustrated doing it. And I always feel like apologizing because I've taken so much support and then just pissed all over it. Sorry to you and to myself.

Dear Kensho, what are you beating yourself up about? You're focusing on the negative, the positive is that you're fixing your problem, and doing a very good job.

The focus here is about total abstinence as I can see, but fixing my drinking problem consisted of drinking only slight amounts, on special occasions.

To me that's a win, if I really didn't want to drink, I would be abstinent, and that would be a win also

Being able to visit here and discuss these issues, is super helpful to get drinking under control, and not make it an issue anymore.

As I said, I drink a little bit, and never ever get drunk, and I figure that's just fine. From that point of view, I'll never fail, because it is not drinking to excess like I did.

Over time, the whole alcohol issue has become less and less important, and just more in the background, and that's the way it should be.

Hang in there !!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Thanks all for the encouraging thoughts. I'm going to stop brooding and go for a run and give myself some love. :h

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

SeeTheLight, believe it or not there ARE prizes for going AF!! Here 's yours!
:moon:
GREAT JOB on your 8 days! I am so happy to hear your streak is still going! Sometimes it does seem as if the AL Gods are conniving against us (your room being next to the bar). But you will find the rewards to be worth it. Gosh, even as a cheap drunk I have saved nearly $13k since quitting!!! Can you imagine? What is scary is that my poor liver was processing all of that! Keep up the great work!!

Kensho,
If I had gotten this right on my first try, I imagine I would be less sympathetic to folks getting back into the ring and getting knocked down. I did it for 10 days shy of a year. It was insane, I was sick of myself! But it finally stuck! I remember one time I had 12 big days, it was 8 at night and I had that day in the WIN column... my hubs went downstairs for something and I sprang up and filled a coffee mug with wine and gulped it down. I am still mad at myself for doing that!!! (lesson learned, don't have wine in the house). You won't find more understanding people that right here. But I can tell you from bitter experience, the more you fall the harder it gets, so my advice is to get quit and stay quit! Easier said than done, I know, but get your plan in place so that you come here first! That's what I did, if no one was here, I went back on this thread and read and distracted myself until rational thinking returned. I can promise you that you will find MindPeace, but it takes time. We didn't get into this mess overnight and it takes some time and effort to get out. Many times I am the only non drinker in a situation but it does not bother me anymore. It's MY liver! I am thrilled to have a life now that does not revolve around AL!

Hey Quapo, if I'm not mistaken I think I have seen you on the meds threads and the mods boards. Most of us here in the newbie's nest are not taking those medications, our goal is to be AF. If you have found moderation thru the medication (Naltrexine?) we are thrilled for you....your input might be better placed on the other boards. We are trying to teach folks how to break this awful addiction here. Thanks for being sensitive to our efforts.

Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

[See the Light]

Newbies Nest

Thanks again Byrdie- Next goal is Lucky # 13

I agree on the moderation thing too. I think its great that some people can do that and be free. Many people here cannot though. Many of my quitting attempts started off as moderation and were sooner or later back to the old levels. There were too many reasons to find special occasions. This time I am shooting for 0% all the time to leave it all behind.

[Rahulthesweet]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1689521 wrote:

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
."[/I]

Kenso,

Your post captured my though process ! I have been thinking a lot A LOT !

It is so strange. When I was drinking the life was all about finding another drink. Now being sober for so long now and staying and loving life the way it is now I see myself as being reborn. I see my last 10 years as flash where I was not living ... It's hard to describe but here are few moments as I go thru my daily life :

I see my kids. My daughter who has grown so fast it was just not so long I remember then being so small and cute and I was busy drinking ... Or working my ass out. Travelling like crazy ...

I wake in morning with a complete different state of mind. Something which I have never seen before. Past few years waking up was about guilt, shame, hangover etc. last 100 days or so were about super joy, feeling proud, feeling fresh from not drinking ! Now walking up I feel ....

Now what ? What's next ? Work ... Why am I am working ?

Sitting in office doing work I stop and feel it's become routine, I remember myself has always doing new things, life has been tooooo much running around for work, week ends away in far of places. The over all focus has been to travel, work work and drink.

Have been still going out every days in evening to a local restaurant to eat ... A habit which I developed when I stopped drinking. Stuffing myself with food really helped. But now I feel am I addicted to food ... Or was I always addicted ? I recall eating junk food for as long as I remember even long befor I started drinking ...

Retreats ! I am in mid 30s ... I see and imagine myself 10 years on and if my life would have been going the way it was going earlier few things would have being certain of these : health problems, trouble in marriage, big addiction problems : anxiety attracts etc. , depression, maybe certain early death ! Now I feel so much relaxed and grateful but I question how I could have let myself into such a pit ... Y I could not see the beautiful face of my kids and life ... I was just lifting living to fulfil my addiction and desires.

Having being lost in depth of AL for so long I am now in a new life a new world.it was euphoric but now reality hits me ... And I am not depressed or sad simply wondering and analysing my current state of things in my life ! Work, career, family, kids, marriage ... And wonder where is it heading. Keep questioning things which I do which I never used to earlier ... Why am I doing ? For what ? For example travelling was something I look forward to. Of all the reasons the big reason was excitement of drinking, new beer in new place. Now being awakes from that nightmare I still have to travel and don't enjoy it. And y should I .." I am staying away from family... For what ? Why work ? Why am I doing what I am doing ...

Today was passing my an electronic mall. Saw much of laptops and desktops. No one wats to buy these they are old school. Tables have taken them over....pretty soon I will be be old school. From my kids perspective I am already old school ...

When I listen to music ... I can't relate to it ... Listening to 80's 90's music which is now is hardcore retro ...how time flew ... They were the coolest thing to listen to ... They still are cool for me ...

I wonder when I will be on my deathbed what regret I will have ... No matter what ever it may be ... But I want to be grateful for one thing ! Being Sober and being that way ...

Take care will be going to Switzerland this month ... Same place where I was last year during my first early days of sobriety then I fell and relapsed ...

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

STL - Congrats on 8 days, especially clocking some of them on vacation in a room right next to the bar - fantastic!!! Soon you'll have double digits and then your lucky 13 will be just around the corner. Regarding the money you're saving, I do something similar and put a few dollars in a jar every day AF. I then use those funds for special treats or rewards. I just bought my own paddle to use with my outrigger canoe team. Even after spending that money, I'm still WAY ahead of where I would have been buying AL every day. If it helps motivate you, do it!

Kensho - Can you get the AL out of your house so it isn't there when that voice invades your head? If not, can you put something in between you and the AL so that you first are prompted to check in here or otherwise distract yourself? Regarding the exhaustion, I think it does gradually decrease, but I agree with NS - it's probably better that you ARE thinking about it so much right now.

In addition, I think Daisy hit the nail on the head when she said that we are people like you - we've been down similar paths and had similar stumbles. Our patience with each other and our patience with ourselves come from a place of empathy and understanding. We're also here to be honest with ourselves and each other, and you're doing a great job of that.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Rahul, what a lovely post and i can so relate to what you say. What now? I do know that my life is 200% better without al. I wake every morning without a hangover, i face the days trials with the knowledge that i am doing it sober and it feels so much better and easier. I feel now that "I am me". I am the person that i have always been looking for. there is still room for improvement but one day at a time is all we can do.

Guapo, what do people on a drinking site beat themselves up? well the answer is drinking and being an alcoholic and they are living a life they dont want anymore. Not rocket science i am afraid. Do you take medication to control the drinking situation? If so are you not replacing one drug for another? We would all like to be moderate drinkers on MWO, we have all tried it but what works for some does not work for others. The vast majority of people cannot moderate, like other addicts they cant just have one shot of a drug like heroin (thus why they take methadone so they dont use). the only way i found to get my drinking under control was to stop drinking completely and to use MWO as my AA.

Sure i could quite happily try and have one drink every now and then but since i am an alcoholic it is all or nothing. If i did not have a problem with al, i would not be on a drinking site.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

STL, Congrats on your moon
Keep going, you'll love the results.

Kensho, it's OK to think about AL but I suggest taking the importance off of it. Work on your gratitude list instead. It will actually grow day by AF day

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Happily sober this evening. Attended a small pot luck for dinner with the kids and the ladies were talking about drink recipes. Needless to say, not my favorite conversation. BUT, I did find myself acknowledging that I would have one or two of those and then come home to sneak a few shots more, and then repeat it the next night - I realized I am a different drinker than most. One of the ladies is gluten free because it doesn't agree with her - I could compare AL to that. I am starting to see myself not as "trying sobriety on for awhile", but as someone who uses alcohol in a damaging way, and who can't partake - AND THAT IS OK. It's just me. I accept it. And I'm starting to see that I am not broken, except when I drink.

AVA, love how you say you are more "you" - the you that you were always looking for. Nice thing to remember. I appreciate the wisdom from you and others. Hope the night is restful for everyone. I will come running when the devilish voice returns. Thank you for being here. :h

[guapo]

Newbies Nest

Okay, I will leave gracefully, I understand your comments.

[Alky]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1689998 wrote: Hey Quapo, if I'm not mistaken I think I have seen you on the meds threads and the mods boards. Most of us here in the newbie's nest are not taking those medications, our goal is to be AF. If you have found moderation thru the medication (Naltrexine?) we are thrilled for you....your input might be better placed on the other boards. We are trying to teach folks how to break this awful addiction here. Thanks for being sensitive to our efforts.

While I agree that Guapo's comments weren't wholly appropriate, please keep in mind that some of us on medication are using it as a means of achieving abstinence. I disapprove of, in equal measure, the hardcore AAer who thinks medication has no role in the recovery process just as much as the people in the medication forum who take hundreds of milligrams of medication a day, are still in active addiction and have no meaningful periods of sobriety. In either worldview, denial might as well be a river in Africa.

Also, Byrdie, you use the word moderation. It gets tossed around here on MWO so much that people forget what a true moderate drinker is. My wife is a moderate drinker. SHE IS A MODERATE DRINKER BECAUSE HER THOUGHTS ARE NOT CONSUMED BY ALCOHOL. During my past extended periods of abstinence, I might have been abstinent, BUT I COULD NOT BE CONSIDERED A MODERATE DRINKER BECAUSE ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW GOOD IT WOULD FEEL WHEN I COULD DRINK AGAIN. Sorry for the shouting, but this is a simple concept that seems to elude way too many people. If I were a betting man (never had a problem with gambling), I'd put money on it that many people who call themselves "moderate drinkers" here on MWO do not qualify as such on these grounds. I've seen this pattern just way too often, even in myself - the white-knuckling it until you can get your next drink on. But hey, since you didn't drink for a few days between your drinking (even though you thought about it constantly), congratulations! You're a moderator!

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

Kensho, Ja and everyone - I can't tell you the sweet relief I felt when I finally said to myself - THIS IS IT. There will be no more drinking. I was crossing lines I had drawn for myself many times over - never before X o'clock; only drinking 2 I mean 3 I mean 4 I mean 5, oh, screw it, I'll start again Monday; only beer and wine; only 2 measured shots (ok, except tonight because I deserve it); I'm sad; my elbow hurts; it is a day with a Y in it... Blah blah blah. As Alky writes, I was thinking about alcohol all the time. I finally wised up one weekend because I crossed a line and had the most terrible hangover in my life. Enough was enough.

Once I took alcohol off the table as it were, I was free to think about other things. I could eat at a restaurant without a bar; could go to a movie with my DH even though they don't serve beer; could leave for a party with out a pre shot on my way out; could drive anywhere any time of day. Of course in the first several weeks I thought about it a lot, but it wasn't with a longing - it was with a studious determination to find out everything I could about getting and staying sober. I read every link, watched every video, read every blog, listened to every podcast I could - what do I need to do to avoid having that awful feeling even one more time...

I have so much more to say on the subject. I can't begin to explain the lovely, wonderful, relaxing, satisfied and content feeling I have as a direct result of living life without alcohol. Even in the stressful, said and painful times, there is a softer edge to everything - an acceptance of life as it is without trying to swim upstream all the time.

Please don't give up on yourselves, everyone. We certainly won't. You are worth the effort - your kids and families are worth the effort.

Pavati

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

Kensho, Ja and everyone - I can't tell you the sweet relief I felt when I finally said to myself - THIS IS IT. There will be no more drinking. I was crossing lines I had drawn for myself many times over - never before X o'clock; only drinking 2 I mean 3 I mean 4 I mean 5, oh, screw it, I'll start again Monday; only beer and wine; only 2 measured shots (ok, except tonight because I deserve it); I'm sad; my elbow hurts; it is a day with a Y in it... Blah blah blah. As Alky writes, I was thinking about alcohol all the time. I finally wised up one weekend because I crossed a line and had the most terrible hangover in my life. Enough was enough.

Once I took alcohol off the table as it were, I was free to think about other things. I could eat at a restaurant without a bar; could go to a movie with my DH even though they don't serve beer; could leave for a party with out a pre shot on my way out; could drive anywhere any time of day. Of course in the first several weeks I thought about it a lot, but it wasn't with a longing - it was with a studious determination to find out everything I could about getting and staying sober. I read every link, watched every video, read every blog, listened to every podcast I could - what do I need to do to avoid having that awful feeling even one more time...

I have so much more to say on the subject. I can't begin to explain the lovely, wonderful, relaxing, satisfied and content feeling I have as a direct result of living life without alcohol. Even in the stressful, said and painful times, there is a softer edge to everything - an acceptance of life as it is without trying to swim upstream all the time.

Please don't give up on yourselves, everyone. We certainly won't. You are worth the effort - your kids and families are worth the effort.

Pavati

[patrice]

Newbies Nest

Lovely motivating post Pav ,thanks!
Pat