Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Good Morning!
Today is Day 1299 for me. I treasure each and every one of my AF days.
1300 days ago, I was broken and in the pit of despair. I was afraid of what a future without AL would look like. I'm here to tell you, a future without AL looks DAM GOOD! Life has improved exponentially since I quit being a slave to AL. Has it been easy? No. Have there been days that I just wanted to say F-it and get drunk? Yes. Were there times when I felt sorry for myself because I was the ONLY person at a party NOT drinking? You bet. I stayed the course. WHY? Because I refused to give up everything for a substance in a bottle. I fought for MY LIFE back, and I got it. It's sort of like being a Military Veteran....someone who fights for the love of country....only we are fighting for the love of life itself. There have been days I wanted to give up, believe me, but I kept going....I had a non-negotiable agreement with myself, and if I can't be honest with myself, then I don't have much of a foundation to work from. Yes, it's hard sometimes, but so is standing in line at the DMV and fighting traffic and going to work when you are sick, you do it because you have obligations and you have to. Take the choice of drinking OFF the table. It's just NOT an option for me.

For someone who was a chronic relapser like I was, I can tell you that caving in was NEVER worth it. NEVER. I always regretted it. The self loathing and disgust I had for myself was unbearable, so guess what I did to drown that out....yep, drink MORE. It is a cycle....just don't give in, no matter what. AL is quicksand for us, one drink is going to pull us in.

I just noticed a new thread from the modders called the The Joys of Moderating. To me, that is an oxymoron....for us, there is NO JOY in drinking, it is a FIX.....nothing more than a junkie getting a fix. I don't see much JOY over there either....I see depression, regret, despair, and a whole lot of denial. Don't get sucked in my the allure of AL, it is a trap! The last 1299 days have been a rebirth for me, and I'm still learning. One day at a time....one step at a time. Byride

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Congratulations, Byrdie!

Thank you for sticking around the nest after all those many days. Your continued presence and commitment to the goal of freeing ourselves from the shackles of alcohol gives a continuity and authority to this thread that would be lacking if everyone who posted here was in the early stages of quitting. It is important to see a shining example of continuing success like you.

Day 13 was magic for you so day 1300 could be INCREDIBLE!! Enjoy it .

[paulywogg]

Newbies Nest

Thanks for that post Byrdie,no there is no JOY,it's a pit of shit and moderating seems like alot of work! congrats on your 1299 days

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi,

Way to go, Byrdie. With all you do for us around here it is an honor to take a moment and congratulate you on 1299. You are a sober superstar!

Pav

[allankay]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1691769 wrote: Good Morning!
Today is Day 1299 for me. I treasure each and every one of my AF days.
1300 days ago, I was broken and in the pit of despair. I was afraid of what a future without AL would look like. I'm here to tell you, a future without AL looks DAM GOOD! Life has improved exponentially since I quit being a slave to AL. Has it been easy? No. Have there been days that I just wanted to say F-it and get drunk? Yes. Were there times when I felt sorry for myself because I was the ONLY person at a party NOT drinking? You bet. I stayed the course. WHY? Because I refused to give up everything for a substance in a bottle. I fought for MY LIFE back, and I got it. It's sort of like being a Military Veteran....someone who fights for the love of country....only we are fighting for the love of life itself. There have been days I wanted to give up, believe me, but I kept going....I had a non-negotiable agreement with myself, and if I can't be honest with myself, then I don't have much of a foundation to work from. Yes, it's hard sometimes, but so is standing in line at the DMV and fighting traffic and going to work when you are sick, you do it because you have obligations and you have to. Take the choice of drinking OFF the table. It's just NOT an option for me.

For someone who was a chronic relapser like I was, I can tell you that caving in was NEVER worth it. NEVER. I always regretted it. The self loathing and disgust I had for myself was unbearable, so guess what I did to drown that out....yep, drink MORE. It is a cycle....just don't give in, no matter what. AL is quicksand for us, one drink is going to pull us in.

I just noticed a new thread from the modders called the The Joys of Moderating. To me, that is an oxymoron....for us, there is NO JOY in drinking, it is a FIX.....nothing more than a junkie getting a fix. I don't see much JOY over there either....I see depression, regret, despair, and a whole lot of denial. Don't get sucked in my the allure of AL, it is a trap! The last 1299 days have been a rebirth for me, and I'm still learning. One day at a time....one step at a time. Byride

Byride, congratulations 1,300 is huge, even though after a year you kind of lose track.

Completely agree about moderation. Even when I was drinking I could say no and not drink on a Friday night. But I could never have one. If I had one I would have 6...

I don't feel left out when I don't drink. There are never times when I say to myself, F**K lets get drunk. Any problem can be managed better sober, any party is better and more fun sober, holidays are better, relationships are better. Not a single thing that I can think of that gets better by drinking.

The only scenario I can think of that getting drunk would be a solution is; if there was a catastrophic event happening and we only had 12 hours to live. But that would be done purely not to spend the last 12 hours in complete state of fear and panic.

Anyway, being sober is the best present anyone can give themselves.

AK

[available]

Newbies Nest

Pepper that is at my sons 21st, a pic of my son and daughter and of course Ava. i looked happy but i was feeling pretty deprived that i could not drink, the good thing is i didnt and we all have to have "first" situations where we have to handle the non drinking aspect. I survived and had fun!

Byrd, well what can i say but those 1299 days you have been sober have helped so many people especially me. You give and give and give and just for some fun you give some more. I admire you, i aspire to be you and i love you buckets. You are the cement that holds some of us together in this journey to soberdom and i am hanging on to your cement with my life. Thank you for all your help to me on this journey.

[Daevid]

Newbies Nest

You guys are an inspiration to us all. Proof that it can be done and that we can all do the same.

Thank you.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words,
Pauly, you nailed it, it IS a pit of shit!!! B

[Guitarista]

Newbies Nest

Yo Nesters,

Good on ya Byrdy. I love ya! :h

Day 13 here for me, and day 1300 coming up for you. :goodjob:

Wishing everyone a safe, sober, and magical one.

G bloke.

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

WOW, lots to catch up on this weekend!

GO BYRDIE, GO BYRDIE, GO BYRDIE!! 1300 tomorrow. You live it, teach it and give it. Thank you and congratulations!

PEPPER... loved the Craig Ferguson bit, especially the part that "You have to be responsible for your actions. Sick or well, YOU have to be responsible for getting well."

ICAN... So good to know your hubby was so supportive after 6 mos. Gives me hope. BTW, have you spent much time in the toolbox? I have found so many helpful things there...

SOFT FOCUS... thank you for being in my corner. Meant a lot to me to read that on my way up to camp.

PIE... I am dreaming of the 30! It IS a really nice round number. Congrats!!

PAVATI... One of the biggest things I notice not drinking is my patience and presence with kids. I have not been as kind and nurturing to my kids as they deserve and I am loving the new way we relate - I can see it in their faces!!

RAHUL... NO SUGAR posted this great 5 page excerpt from "Get Sober Stay Sober" on the science behind alcoholism and neurotransmitters awhile back and I read it this weekend. It put a a lot of pieces together for me. I can't seem to send it because it's too long. Perhaps someone has a link to it?

WMM... I understand. Get back on the horse.

My weekend was full and I am tired. Hubby states that he is supportive, yet both days offered me a drink. Finally stuff hit the fan at dinner last night with his parents, when he offered me a taste AGAIN and I said to quit doing that. I originally told his mom I was not drinking until my bday, and so she started on what I should drink when that day comes... I snapped and said "Why doesn't everyone let me make my own decisions about what I drink and don't drink...". Silence fell. I wish I wasn't so snappy, but it's hard enough to stop without it being thrown in my face and I'd had enough - and now they know.

Some things I noticed...
- I am so much of a better mom without AL, and I will never regret being there for my kids now.
- I communicate MORE and better with hubs. I never realized how much I had distanced myself from others because I was worried they would "catch on", and because I was always thinking about when the next drink would come and what it would be. WOW, it really consumed so much of my time. I feel hubs and me getting closer - I love how we are sharing moments and discussions because I am HERE, and not there. I really don't want to go "there" again. We are laughing more.
- I have MORE fun without AL. I watched everyone else get tired and slow, and I was noticing the scenery and window shopping in the mountain town we visited, and talking - REALLY TALKING - to my kids.
- words came easier to me, and I found myself opening up about my real feelings, beliefs and convictions. I almost feel smarter, or maybe it's wiser. I cracked jokes - yes SERIOUS Kensho cracked jokes. I have been really guarded and I am learning that I like who I am and it is fun to be me - without any substances.

Sorry it's so long.The more I say no for myself, and to other people, the easier it is to do it and I am really believing, visualizing and enjoying my life without AL. I know it's only day 5, but something has changed for me... I believe. I wrote down 3 links and one book title that were posted the past two days, thanks for sharing these everyone. I love learning more. Happy Sunday and thank you with all my heart for listening! :h

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

RAHUL: Tried to send as a private message but it was too long. Sorry for its length, but it is very interesting info, POSTED BY NO SUGAR awhile back, and re-posted I think...
I can remove if its too long, just let me know.
-
Understanding Alcohol Addiction

Excerpted in part from Get Sober Stay Sober



In order to recover from alcoholism it is crucial to understand the process of alcohol addiction. For successful sobriety, you need to know what you're dealing with and how to address it effectively. When you get to the root of the problem, then you have the knowledge you need to end your addictions for good.

Science tells us that alcoholism it is not a psychological disorder, a spiritual illness, weak will or character defects. Although alcohol addiction affects all areas of your life and is experienced physically in many parts of the body, addiction begins in the brain. Alcoholism is a brain disorder.

The reward pathway, also known as the mesolimbic pathway or the pleasure pathway, resides in the center of the brain and is what drives our feelings of motivation, reward and behavior. Its primary job is to make us feel good or “reward” us when we engage in behavior that is necessary for survival, such as eating, drinking water, being nurtured and procreating.

It’s also responsible for making sure that we repeat these behaviors over and over to ensure survival of the species. It achieves this goal by giving us feelings of pleasure when we engage in these behaviors. In other words, it reinforces behavior by giving us pleasurable rewards.

This pleasure is given by releasing neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers in the brain that make communication between nerve cells possible. The critical neurotransmitter involved in the reward pathway is dopamine. However, there are two other crucial brain pathways that make use of dopamine—the nigrostriatal pathway and the tuberoinfundibular pathway. It is these two pathways together with the reward pathway that make up the dopamine pathway. Therefore, any drug that impacts the reward pathway also impacts these other dopamine pathways as well.

All drugs, and remember alcohol is a drug, stimulate the dopamine pathway -- reward pathway. Some drugs work by stimulating the release of excess dopamine, while others block receptor sites; however, the end result is that the brain is flooded with high levels of dopamine. They also impact the serotonin pathway and other crucial neurotransmitters like GABA, glutamate, acetylcholine and endorphins, but we’ll be focusing mostly on dopamine.

GABA is our main inhibitory neurotransmitter. It works as a natural tranquilizer, stops us from being impulsive and prevents over stimulation and also plays a major role in alcohol addiction. Glutamate is important because it’s needed for most of the neurotransmission that takes place. People with imbalanced levels of GABA have problems with impulse control, anxiety, nervousness, restlessness and irritability to name only a few, while glutamate is associated with obsessive tendencies.

Serotonin plays a major role in mood, sleep, appetite, pain and regulating body temperature. It also contributes to good feelings of well-being and produces intense euphoria when overstimulated. People with anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression often have a problem in their serotonin and dopamine pathways. Both dopamine and serotonin are sometimes referred to as our “happy hormones.” Without them we feel empty and depressed, flat and lifeless.

Endorphins are the bodies built in natural pain reliever. They regulate emotional and physical pain and also influence mood, self-esteem, relaxation and feelings of well-being.
/>Dopamine gives us pleasurable feelings. It makes us feel good, confident, relaxed, and instills a heightened sense of overall well-being. It improves mood, alertness and libido. When it's overstimulated it produces intense euphoria.


Reward Pathway and Alcohol Addiction


Here's an example of how the reward pathway works: You're hungry and you see a big plate of spaghetti in front you. Your five senses gather information about what you see and send a signal to your brain. Your area of the brain that controls memory tells you that if you eat this plate of spaghetti, it will make you feel good, so it tells you to pick up the fork and eat it.

When you eat it, your five senses tell the brain you're eating something good and that your stomach is getting full. At this point the brain releases the neurotransmitter dopamine from the reward pathway, which gives you a little surge of pleasure. This is your reward for eating the spaghetti.

The reward pathway then connects with other areas of your brain that control memory and behavior and tells it to remember that eating spaghetti makes you feel good. This reinforces that you will repeat this behavior again, to receive the reward and feel the good feelings.

Here's what happens in the reward pathway when you ingest alcohol or drugs: They bypass the five senses and within seconds go directly to the brain’s reward pathway. Instead of just a little surge of pleasure, they stimulate the release of excessively high levels of neurotransmitters, which results in an immediate surge of extremely intense pleasure. The amount of dopamine released by drugs of abuse can be two to ten times higher than the amount released by natural means, such as food, and the effects usually last much longer, which is the primary factor in alcohol addiction.

This is what is commonly called the "high." The reward pathway connects with other parts of the brain and tells it to remember that drugs and alcohol create this incredibly good feeling and this is an extremely powerful reinforcement that you'll repeat again so you'll continue to have the pleasurable experience.

The impact of the excessively high levels of dopamine on the brain is so powerful that the brain must find a way to adapt to these powerful surges. One of the ways that it does so is by desensitizing itself or reducing the number of dopamine receptors at the synapse and reducing the amount of dopamine it releases. This results in what we call "tolerance." Once the feelings of pleasure have dissipated, it will now require more of the drug to achieve the same results. The more often you use the drug, the more sensitized your receptors become and the more drugs you require to get high. Alcohol addiction is developing.

With repeated use of a drug, the neurons, which are where the neurotransmitters like dopamine reside, in the brain become dependent upon the drug -— they can no longer function normally without it. The brain no longer produces or releases the essential neurotransmitters that allow us to feel pleasure on its own. When this happens, the user feels depressed and unable to experience pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable to them and they experience withdrawal symptoms when the drug is not in their system and, thus, they will use again in order to feel better. They now need and crave the drug of abuse to simply bring their dopamine levels back to normal.

Over time, as the brain is forced to continue to adapt to alcohol or drugs, the other areas of the brain outside the reward pathway become affected. The circuitry of the brain that is responsible for memory, learning and judgment becomes hardwired to perform addictive behavior almost innately. It disrupts crucial brain structures that are critical for controlling behavior, especially behaviors related specifically to alcohol or drugs. It erodes one’s ability to display self-control and make good decisions. Thus, the drug user is now a drug addict. In the case of alcoholism, alcohol addiction is now full blown.

The faster a substance reaches the brain’s reward pathway, the more addiction potential it holds. The quickest route to deliver a drug to the brain is through smoking it and, thus, why substances like crack cocaine and cigarettes are so highly addictive. The second fastest route is through injection, while the third quickest is snorting or sniffing and the least quick is ingestion.

This is why many people advance from one addiction to another. They start out with sugar, caffeine or cigarettes. As the brain adapts and needs more and more to get the same feeling, sugar no longer does the trick, so they move on to cigarettes, after a while cigarettes no longer provides the same relief, so they move on to alcohol. After a while alcohol no longer does the trick and they move on to cocaine and so on and so on.

Although we're talking about alcohol addiction on this page, the process of addiction I've described applies to any addiction regardless of the substance or activity. They flood the brain with neurotransmitters that makes us feel good. Over time this destroys the neurons, then the brain doesn't produce neurotransmitters adequately anymore, the brain needs more and more to function normally. Any substance or activity that stimulates the reward pathway has the potential to be addictive, particularly to brains that are already vulnerable.

This process is also true of serotonin, GABA and endorphins. Alcohol also stimulates a large surge in these neurotransmitters, which leads to depletion and dependence on alcohol to function adequately. Thus resulting in cravings to bring them back to normal and alleviate symptoms like anxiety, depression and irritability.

Additionally, alcohol and all psychotropic substances, mimic our natural neurotransmitters, meaning they can occupy the receptors, which tricks the brain into thinking it has too many and thus it quits producing them. This leaves the brain dependent upon the alcohol or other addictive substances to perform the duties of the impaired neurotransmitter.

It’s also important to note, that the fact that neurotransmitters and the reward pathway are at the root of alcohol addiction, and addiction in general, is not my opinion or a theory or concept that I created. It is what science has found to be true and even NIDA, the National Institute on Drug Abuse, is teaching this basic concept. I encourage you to visit the following sites and learn more about the science of alcohol addiction.

Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse

Drugs Alter the Brain's Reward Pathway

Addiction Science | National Institute on Drug Abuse

Drugs, Brains, and Behavior: The Science of Addiction | National Institute on Drug Abuse

The difference between NIDA and many of us in the natural health field is that they fail to understand that alcohol addiction can be addressed successfully with diet, nutrition and lifestyle changes, as I have outlined on the pages of this site.


4 Criteria for Alcohol Addiction


There are four important criteria that define an addiction.

1. Psychological – The addicted person uses the substance or activity compulsively regardless of the negative impact it has on their health or life.

2. Physiological – The substance or activity overstimulates neurotransmitters and the reward pathway in the brain. The intense euphoric feelings that are experienced cause the person to repeat the behavior over and over again to keep experiencing the feelings.

3. Tolerance – As the brain adapts to excess stimulation of neurotransmitters and the reward pathway, it needs more and more of the substance or activity to achieve the same results.

4. Dependence – Over time the addicted person’s brain, neurotransmitters and reward pathway can't function normally without the substance.

Why are Some People More Vulnerable to Alcohol Addiction than Others?


Although alcohol addiction begins in the brain, there are many factors that may contribute to setting this monster into action. It is all about neurotransmitters. People who are vulnerable to addiction typically already have some type of disruption or depletion in their neurotransmitters. Their neurotransmitters were depleted or not functioning properly, sometimes at birth, or at some point in their life a trigger sets them off balance.

Neurotransmitters may be damaged, depleted or altered by a large variety of factors, which include the following:

•childhood abuse
•sugar
•caffeine
•nicotine
•food allergies or food sensitivities
•environmental toxins
•heavy metal toxicity
•hypothyroidism
•chronic or excessive stress
•hypoglycemia
•candida overgrowth
•nutritional deficiencies
•a high carbohydrate diet
•genetics
•drugs and alcohol
•brain injury (like a concussion)


Some people are born with a genetic polymorphism in enzymes that are essential to synthesize dopamine and serotonin, thus they are simply not capable of making them. This can be corrected with the appropriate nutritional supplements.

In order to overcome alcohol addiction, each of these factors must be addressed. Some people may be born with nutritional deficiencies or a biochemical imbalance in the neurotransmitters and are an addict waiting to happen, while for others neurotransmitters may become depleted later through child abuse, a poor diet high in sugar or any of the factors mentioned above and addiction is then set into motion.

Addiction develops in a misguided attempt to balance out neurotransmitters. We turn to drugs and alcohol because they give us a boost in the neurotransmitters. Drugs and alcohol provide a temporary fix -- the make us feel better briefly -- but ultimately they damage the neurotransmitters even more and much more severely. The longer you continue to use drugs and alcohol, the more damage that is done. The more damage that is done, the more symptoms and misery that build and more relief is needed. Thus the vicious cycle is set into motion.

After extended alcohol or drug usage, the neurotransmitters have been damaged extensively and the brain no longer functions adequately. When you give up the drugs and alcohol, not only do the excessive levels of neurotransmitters disappear, but now you actually have less than you did before. The brain no longer releases enough of them to perform its job and remember the neurotransmitters have the job of making you feel good, regulating your mood states, pain and stress. Without adequate neurotransmitters you don't feel normal, pleasure or happy.

To stop this roller coaster ride, all behaviors that effect the neurotransmitters negatively must be eliminated. Excessive stimulation of the reward pathway in the brain must stop. The brain must become accustomed to normal levels again, so receptor sites can normalize. So that means you can't ingest or consume any substance that excessively stimulate neurotransmitters and the reward pathway.

It takes time for the neurotransmitters to adjust and balance out. If you continue to eat sugar and other refined foods, consume caffeine, smoke nicotine and be exposed to high levels of environmental toxins your neurotransmitters can never recover and normalize. These substances continue to provide excessive stimulation to neurotransmitters and the reward pathway and perpetuate the physiological process of alcohol addiction.

This is why traditional treatment with a 12-step program is so ineffective and so many people relapse and continue to experience cravings, because the root of alcohol addiction is not addressed. As long as these issues are unresolved, the neurotransmitters continue to be on a roller coaster ride. Cravings for alcohol or drugs will continue as long as the neurotransmitters are continually stimulated excessively and out of balance.

The goal in recovering from alcohol addiction, or any addiction for that matter, is to restore balance to the neurotransmitters. The most crucial step in recovering from any addiction is to stop stimulating the reward pathway in the brain with artificial sources that cause it to release excessive levels of neurotransmitters so that the brain can recover and restore natural order. As long as the reward pathway and other neurotransmitters are excessively stimulated, then cravings for drugs and alcohol will occur and relapse is pretty much imminent. When you stop artificially stimulating the reward pathway and allow your neurotransmitters to stabilize, cravings for alcohol and/or drugs simply disappear. When cravings disappear, then staying sober is no longer a struggle.

The second step is to replenish the neurotransmitters with proper diet, nutritional supplementation and healthy activities like exercise, mindfulness meditation, deep breathing exercise or other activities that stimulate neurotransmitters in a healthy and balanced manner.

If you'd like a more comprehensive understanding of this approach and how I used it to achieve 24 years of uninterrupted and craving-free sobriety, you can find step-by-step instructions for balancing your neurotransmitters and achieving life-long and craving-free sobriety, in my Clean and Sober for Life Jump-Start Program.

If that's too much for your pocketbook, you might want to take a look at my book, Get Sober Stay Sober: The Truth About Alcoholism.

Alternatively, if you need a more personal approach for alcohol addiction, you may want to talk with me one-on-one through my sobriety coaching service.

Here's a very important point to keep in mind. The longer you engage in alcohol addiction or your drug of choice, the more damage you do to the neurotransmitters. The harder your drug of choice, the more damage you will do to the neurotransmitters. So recovery for someone who has used softer drugs will have an easier road to recovery than someone who used hard drugs, someone who has drank or used for a shorter period of time will have an easier recovery path than someone who has been at it for decades. Additionally, someone who doesn't have child abuse or neglect in their past will have an easier time in recovery than someone who does, because their neurotransmitters have been damaged since they were a child. So the sooner you begin the recovery process the better off you are in the long run.

[HopingCarnations]

Newbies Nest

Hello again

I logged in and posted for a month or so last October. I don't know why I stopped, but I did, and got worse On Wednesday, I was found unconscious on the bathroom floor and taken to the ER by the ambulance. I live in a small town, so everybody heard about it, so then the rumors start flying. From someone seeing me stumbling around at the town beach, to shopping for groceries drunk off my mind that day, both untrue. I've been sober since Thursday. But the pain from guilt and embarrassment has thrown me in a zombie, depressed direction. How do I pick myself back up??

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

OYou

:wd::happy::yougo::applaud::jumpwow:
Huge Congrats Byrdie!!! YOU do so much for us all and I really appreciate ALL the support you have given me.
You are a wonderful supportive person and I am so happy for you!!!

[Dottie Belle]

Newbies Nest

Hoping you are not your actions. We all have done stupid things when drinking. Don't dwell on it...get back up and move forward.

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

HopingCarnations;1691935 wrote: I logged in and posted for a month or so last October. I don't know why I stopped, but I did, and got worse On Wednesday, I was found unconscious on the bathroom floor and taken to the ER by the ambulance. I live in a small town, so everybody heard about it, so then the rumors start flying. From someone seeing me stumbling around at the town beach, to shopping for groceries drunk off my mind that day, both untrue. I've been sober since Thursday. But the pain from guilt and embarrassment has thrown me in a zombie, depressed direction. How do I pick myself back up??

Hi Hoping,

First of all, welcome back! Congrats also on being AF since Thu - a great turnaround from what sounds like must have been a low on Wed.

You have already taken some steps toward picking yourself back up, one of which is returning to MWO and posting. As you probably know from your time here last Oct, this is a great place to get support, suggestions, etc.

Small towns and their rumor mills can be rough for sure. I'm so sorry to hear what you went through on Wed and the aftermath of false rumors. As Dottie said, you can't dwell on the past - it is what it is. We've all done things we regret while drinking. In fact, most people have done things they regret in life whether they were drinking or not. Seek out the people who really know and care about you. Post and read here. I'm sure there are people on here who also live in small towns and they may have additional advice specific to dealing with that aspect of things.

:l to you