Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Morning, all:

Jenniech - Welcome back. I'll echo what NS said - you're not pathetic. You're addicted to alcohol. Think of someone you love and how you would speak to her if she were in your position. Would you say you're pathetic? I hope not. You'd say - well, you have a problem. What can WE do to solve it. The problem is drinking in spite of alcoholism - you can't fix alcoholism so let's take that off the table. What can you do not to drink today? Very happy you came back as you were around as I was deciding once and for all to quit (yes, a whole year before I finally did).

Sarah - Finding the "root" of the drinking is much easier when you are sober. There are a million reasons people drink, and not all of them become addicted. Yes, working from home or being retired can be a problem, but if you've set yourself up for success - taken all of the boozed out of the house - it is not insurmountable. I was talking to a good friend about drinking and I said - I think I felt like I needed to drink because I'm socially awkward and it made me feel more social and able to put myself out there. He said - isn't that why everyone drinks? I guess the difference is that I became addicted.

What keeps me from drinking through the urges is the memory of my last terrible hangover. I can actually walk where I went walking that day (to try to not die of an anxiety attack) and conjure the taste in my mouth as I was filled with dread and anxiety. I don't even need to put AL in a box after that - he runs away screaming. Not everyone has an experience like that to fall back on (I'm "lucky" like that!) but we all have a million reasons to drink. Find a million and one NOT to drink and you'll be on your way.

I've been up all night with a sick kid. SO grateful that I am sober and present to be up with him to give him comfort.

Happy sober Tuesday!
Pav

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Hi folks - a warm welcome to everyone who's new, and returning! Fin, like Pav, I also remember you and boat-building from my lurking days. What a cool hobby!

Today marks 5 month AF for me, with major life-changes in process and coming up. My 2 kids leave at the end of the week - 1 to return to college, and the youngest who's still in high school is leaving for 1 semester but returning in December, which will be the first time for me that I've not had a child at home. She was a major motivation for me to get sober.

Aside from the anxiety of being empty-nesters and worrying about her being away from home for the first time, I'm also reminding myself that I need to remain vigilant about remaining AF while my kids are both gone. Eventually they will both be gone permanently, and the fact is that kids or no kids, I NEVER want to return to that hell I was in whether or not I have people to parent. So at 5 months, I find I need to make a new plan to keep my original plan in place.

I didn't post this, but I quit my job about a month ago (it was very emotional load/high stress) to return to a former job with a different employer (much lower stress). It was a great opportunity and I knew it was a choice that would support my continued recovery and health. Also, with kids at home this summer, DH and I haven't had a lot of time alone, and we still have some stuff to work out, so I'll need to make time to focus on rebuilding our relationship as well, and nurturing what I nearly destroyed. I'm trying to consciously think about that and remember to act out small acts of kindness that I with-held from him in my years of AF fog.

And I'm away from home and traveling a lot, so have put a plan together to work out every day and continue eating healthy when on-the-road. There's also an AA group associated with my new employer that I MIGHT join...not sure I'm ready to go quite that public, but I've known one of the members for years and really like him. We'll see.

I was thinking about messages we receive and how susceptible we (alkies) seem to be to them. Sometimes it does seem like everyone in the world drinks except us who can't. During my in-between-jobs week, I had the NBC morning news on, and the Hoda/Kathie-Lee show began and I saw their glasses of wine. Like it's normal for people to drink in the morning. I couldn't help but wonder how many women at home were sipping their morning mimosas for breakfast along with them, feeling like it's okay or glamorous or funny. I never watch their show but 6 months ago I'd have been drinking in the morning with or without them if I didn't have to go to work. I sure wouldn't have needed the positive affirmation that it's completely normal.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is what real people do. Last night, my family and I went out to a 5-star restaurant in a really intimate setting in an old historic house as a special dinner before our kids leave. In our area of the dining room, there were 4 other tables with couples out for a romantic dinner, and of course the place had an exquisite wine list. When the waitress came over, she explained their wine list, then said, "Let me know if you plan on enjoying a glass of wine with us this evening, or if you would like me to take tho glasses away.", and for some reason the way she asked that question made it very easy and natural for me to say, "You can take my glass away, but he might have wine later" in reference to my husband (I think all wait staff should be trained to ask the question that way - wonder if she is recovering herself?)

Because of the intimate nature of the room, I was somewhat surprised when I heard 2 of the 4 other tables both decline wine and tell her to take their glasses, and 1/2 of the couple at the 3rd table decline. I assumed that they must also be recovering alkies, because who in the world would decline wine otherwise over a romantic dinner at such a spectacular restaurant? Except that maybe my addiction has been so dependent on focusing on affirming messages telling me that drinking is normal, that everyone drinks, that I never noticed before that it is normal for people - even those who drink - to decline al. Maybe "normal" drinkers don't always feel like drinking wine over a lovely dinner even when they have the chance. Or maybe spending $12 on one glass of wine seems stupid to them. For whatever reason, last night made me wonder if during the height of my addiction I was deliberately blocking out the non-drinkers, because apparently they are out there and sometimes even 1/2 of the people in the room!

Sorry for the length of the post. This is kind of stream-of-consciousness as I haven't posted in awhile. Anyway, I hope all continue to do well. I never in a million years thought I'd ever make it this far and this long - if I can do it, every one of you can as well.

Cheers to all of you and thank you for supporting me in this journey - you are an amazing group of people and I couldn't have done this without you! :thanks::l:h

[Rusty]

Newbies Nest

Hi Peppersnow,

You don't know me but I've been on this site for years and continuously sober since May 17, 2012. I wanted to weigh in on your comment:

Because of the intimate nature of the room, I was somewhat surprised when I heard 2 of the 4 other tables both decline wine and tell her to take their glasses, and 1/2 of the couple at the 3rd table decline. I assumed that they must also be recovering alkies, because who in the world would decline wine otherwise over a romantic dinner at such a spectacular restaurant?

I think you made a broad assumption that may not be accurate. Have you considered that they might be Mormons or devout Baptists who do not drink? Please do not assume that they are alcoholics. As I always say, "the word Assume makes an ASS out of U and Me." . People in recovery sometimes make snap decisions about people and their reasons for drinking/not drinking, when they are just observing, rather than knowing the facts....as in asking those couples why they weren't drinking. Obviously you wouldn't ask them, but I know it seems foreign to you to see people just not drink at 5-star restaurants. I travel all over the world and have been in my share of 5 star restaurants, from Tokyo to Chicago. Lost of people just don't drink. Just my two cents, and I mean it in the nicest way.:-)

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Rusty;1695238 wrote: Hi Peppersnow,

You don't know me but I've been on this site for years and continuously sober since May 17, 2012. I wanted to weigh in on your comment: I think you made a broad assumption that may not be accurate. Have you considered that they might be Mormons or devout Baptists who do not drink? Please do not assume that they are alcoholics. As I always say, "the word Assume makes an ASS out of U and Me." . People in recovery sometimes make snap decisions about people and their reasons for drinking/not drinking, when they are just observing, rather than knowing the facts....as in asking those couples why they weren't drinking. Obviously you wouldn't ask them, but I know it seems foreign to you to see people just not drink at 5-star restaurants. I travel all over the world and have been in my share of 5 star restaurants, from Tokyo to Chicago. Lost of people just don't drink. Just my two cents, and I mean it in the nicest way.:-)

Hi Rusty,

You completely misunderstood me -- and made my point again (which perhaps I didn't make very well in the first place) -- which is that up until recently, I DID assume that most people drink and drink normally, and that only the rare few choose not to drink, unless they are recovering alcoholics. The a-ha moment I had last night was that up to 1/2 of those around us may not drink, for whatever reasons, and that THAT is what is normal, versus the messages my addicted mind used to buy from the media (like the Hoda/Kathie-Lee show) telling me that drinking every day is completely normal.

My point was that many people likely don't drink for whatever reasons, but in the height of my addiction I blocked those people out of my consciousness, and am just now noticing them.

So we do agree, but I appreciate your post in case I confused others as well. Every day brings new realizations and gifts.

[Wearywino]

Newbies Nest

jenniech;1695178 wrote: I'm back, facing judgment, admitting defeat AGAIN
was up tossing and turning last night from 1am to 4:30am?..wine does that to me. I pass out and then all of that sugar goes POW and I am up for hours. I am pathetic, really.

Hello Jennie - this is absolutely the same for me. I drink enough to sink a battleship, fall into bed (or on the sofa) into a coma-like sleep for a couple of hours and then wake up at about 1am and simply can't get back to sleep for hours. I spend those two or three semi-sober hours hating myself, filled with self loathing and have even contemplated the possibility of suicide on occasions. I then spend the day feeling exhausted - yet it's surprising that when witching hour arrives those thoughts fall firmly to the back of my mind - madness!

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

I thought Pepper's point was that it is the Addicted voice that makes those assumptions - the rational brain knows full well that half the adults in the US and over half in the world, do not drink alcohol.

BTW, I think Hoda and Katie Lee should be ashamed at what they are doing. Another news person, Elizabeth Vargas, just returned to rehab. They know what they are tapping into and it is shameful.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

X-post Pepper. I loved your post. Thanks!

[Wearywino]

Newbies Nest

Pepper - you are so right about how we alkies 'want' to believe that everyone loves alcohol as much as we do, but are just better at controlling it. For years, every social event or meal out has revolved around how much I could drink - and I was oblivious to the fact that those around me were happily sipping a fruit juice or soda.

It isn't only in restaurants that I notice how many people aren't drinking now, but those around me too. Hubby and I went to the theatre with friends the other day (taking the train). We all had a drink with our meal and then ordered drinks at the theatre for the interval. Both I and the other female ordered large wines, whilst both men ordered fruit juice. We were stunned and said 'but you aren't driving' and they both said that they didn't fancy any more alcohol tonight.

Also, my children (who are in their mid-20s) often go to the pub with a group of friends and comment that no-one drank alcohol because they all had work the next day! and on the odd occasion that my daughter has had two or three friends round one bottle of wine had not only served all of them all night, but there is still some left in the bottle!

I remember being a normal drinker once. I remember going to bed every night with a cup of tea and a book before going to sleep. It's very hard to remember when the tipping point began.

[K9Lover]

Newbies Nest

Welcome back Jennie and Coco! Good to see you both again...dust yourself off and start over, we are here for you!

Nice to meet you Weary! We are glad to have you here!

Pepper - Last weekend I took my daughter to a concert and I was paying attention to who was or was not drinking. For starters the beers were $15 EACH! I am too cheap for that! LOL But the lady next to me had 2 drinks and was joking with her daughter that she'd rather get alcohol than listen to the band. It just seemed so sad to me. She was there with her teenage daughter (like I was) for her Birthday, and she kept talking about going to get a drink. I think when we stop drinking we notice things like that more. I don't assume anyone has a problem or doesn't....I just observe it more now.

How are you today Fin??

[whitemarshmom]

Newbies Nest

cursed, cursed AL! Just went out to dollar store for a few household items since I'm basically broke til Friday. I went in the other direction of my 2 favorite wine stores. Ran back to the safety of my desk/home office and sipping on chilled coffee from this morning.. I'm on day 2, and I'm NOT giving in...Putting the little man back in his box isnt such a crazy idea after all!:l

[Orimus]

Newbies Nest

Still been stuck on this loop of 3 or 4 days and then ... crash. Still faking it which is probably the reason for the loop as can't quite let go of yesterday's lifestyle. Course today is one of those day ones I hate the most. Sick day.

Putting together lunch and started thinking of cigars which then leads to thoughts of whiskey. Guess I'll skip the cigar.

[whitemarshmom]

Newbies Nest

sick day O? Hope you feel better..... Whiskey and Cigars definitely won't help.. I'm on day 2 and the cravings are starting to creep up, and its only 2pm here.. My/our bodies think they are being deprived, but we know what the best thing to do for them is...Hang in there!

[See the Light]

Newbies Nest

Great job wmm- The temptations are everywhere, I know..but staying away from them has been so much better for me than ever giving in to them..onward and upward

Welcome back Orimus- you can do this, stick with it. Whiskey (well bourbon specifically) was the final hair of the dog for me. I used to carry mini bottles of Woodford Reserve everywhere I went as a crutch until I could get back to home for bigger bottles stashed around my house. I sadly did the same thing with various other whiskeys, rums, vodkas and tequilas before that. I fill my pockets now with vitamins, l-glut and other supplements?when I crave a drink now, I get something else (water tea, soda, etc.), right away to fill the need?then go eat something and remove myself /distract my thoughts from it..because I finally know it I don?t want it to kill me, so it?s not going to win. I?m over 3 weeks now, and if I can do it, anyone can? (even if I ever slip, I know I will get right back up and try again).. hang in there all and stay strong

[artsymom]

Newbies Nest

Good for you, WMM!!! Congrats on avoiding the tempting stores! Stay away from them and we'll both celebrate a week in no time.

[Pinecone]

Newbies Nest

Hi Friends,

Peppersnow, congratulations on your 5 months. I really enjoyed reading your post. Life is so much better in so many varied ways without drinking. I used to think that drinking made me "check out" of reality briefly. The real calm I was seeking was only found after quitting. Nice post.

Fin and Jenniech, welcome home!
Welcome Artsymom!

Orimus, a great concept I read here is "nothing changes if nothing changes". Are the images of alcohol and tobacco as fine luxuries keeping you stuck in the loop? 30 AF days might be a good tonic to show you how your body and mind feel. Sending you support.

Have a great AF day!