Newbies Nest

[whitemarshmom]

Newbies Nest

i havent completely fallen off the wagon, like most other Moms, i have been swamped with back to school stuff, dinner planning , homework organizing , laundry doing.. been drinking only a 4 pack a night, its ALOT less than i have in the past, i do feel more clarity, but i am also feeling alot more sadness particularly at my situation with DH. He really brings out the crazy bitch in me! My little girl has a blister on her heel and was wearing new shoes again today, im out of band aids GASP! and i asked him if he had any, and he laughs this laugh he laughs, its really a sarcastic put down of a laugh, and i asked loudly, i asked for a bandaid, why are you laughing! His reply was i cant believe you dont have band aids around here, i cant believe y ou dont buy bandaids. What an ASSHOLE!! He gives me absolutely 0 Credit for ANYTHING i do.. only complains about the house a mess, blah blah blah, i wish he would drop dead! no wonder i drink! im so sad, mad, depressed right now and i dont want to feel ANY of it! ( weeping) i have to ask my dad for a small loan so i can buy my daugther some birthday presents for Thursday, I would never ask DH for a freaking thing, not even so much a band aid for my little girl, the kids heard everything, i had earlier explained to DH that my son has a Football game in the same vicinity that i have my nephews wedding to attend..this Saturday ( no kids allowed at wedding), and he was like im not sure what you are asking me, this was before the band aid thing... so i had to explain what it was that i thought he should maybe do. The the band aid thing came up, and he exclaims forget Saturday then to me! as if he was DOING ME A FAVOR! I said out loud, you arent hurting me.. just him and pointed to my son.. DH wants to get at me anyway he possibly can.. which will be 100X worse if i leave.. I dont even care if i go to the wedding, i would rather be with my kids .. although i get no time for me.. i work full time out of my house, kids are back in school, im super sad and lonely right now.. Thanks for lending an ear. Im not trying to stop today...Theres just no way out.
HUGs

[Daisy38]

Newbies Nest

Hi all,

Had a great day at work and getting my hat today has made me even happier lol thanks Brydlady

Going to head out for a walk with my dogs before I settle down to finish Allan Carrs book, I downloaded it after reading some of the reviews on MWO. I'm a huge fan, although I went against his advice and gave up AL before I read the book for me it is having the desired effect, changing my mindset and how I view AL I m starting to realise I'm not losing out on anything by being living AL free indeed Im gaining so much more - a new lease of life where I enjoy friends for their company as opposed to drinking buddies, enjoying a party for the atmosphere rather than the bar, no more black outs and hang overs, enjoying everything that is wonderful about life through a mind that hasn't had its senses dulled by AL.

Have a great evening my hat and I are signing off for a little bit

[Daevid]

Newbies Nest

After all the stress, the rumination about liver and pancreatic cancer, the twinges. I had my ultrasound scan today. She said all was well just that my liver measured 19cm and it should have been 14.7cm. So, with a little care and zero alcohol forever, it should return to normal.

Spleen, kidneys, pancras, bile duct, gallbladder and portal vein NAD. No cancer, no cirrhosis. We were very pleased. More blood tests to see if the Gamma GT levels have dropped. They oughta at 38 days totally abstinent. I can now save for my Nepal, Buthan and Tibet tour next year and sod pre-paying for my funeral. Just not ready for the cosmic event horizon! Namaste Birds Nesters

[Daevid]

Newbies Nest

After all the stress, the rumination about liver and pancreatic cancer, the twinges. I had my ultrasound scan today. She said all was well just that my liver measured 19cm and it should have been 14.7cm. So, with a little care and zero alcohol forever, it should return to normal.

Spleen, kidneys, pancras, bile duct, gallbladder and portal vein NAD. No cancer, no cirrhosis. We were very pleased. More blood tests to see if the Gamma GT levels have dropped. They oughta at 38 days totally abstinent. I can now save for my Nepal, Buthan and Tibet tour next year and sod pre-paying for my funeral. Just not ready for the cosmic event horizon! Namaste Birds Nesters

[Daevid]

Newbies Nest

After all the stress, the rumination about liver and pancreatic cancer, the twinges. I had my ultrasound scan today. She said all was well just that my liver measured 19cm and it should have been 14.7cm. So, with a little care and zero alcohol forever, it should return to normal.

Spleen, kidneys, pancras, bile duct, gallbladder and portal vein NAD. No cancer, no cirrhosis. We were very pleased. More blood tests to see if the Gamma GT levels have dropped. They oughta at 38 days totally abstinent. I can now save for my Nepal, Buthan and Tibet tour next year and sod pre-paying for my funeral. Just not ready for the cosmic event horizon! Namaste Birds Nesters

[LavenderBlue]

Newbies Nest

Hi there, all!

I got more done last night than I expected - which is the opposite of when I was drinking and always got less than I expected. It's funny because I was really taking my time; very much one small piece of the mess at a time - but I woke up this morning thinking "WOW, ok, room looks much better!"

I'm also chatting with an old friend of mine who is through the roof that I'm starting to do so much better. She was around during the bad relationship when my drinking first seriously went out of control, and she's been worried about how I've not been letting myself heal emotionally and mentally from it. (she didn't phrase it like that, knowing I wouldn't listen, but still) She's also the same friend of mine who went AF a few years back, so she gets what's going on with that, too.

Kensho - So glad you made it through the late night work; you had some great points about what drinking would really mean if you had done it. I still catch myself trying not to breathe on people sometimes and then remembering that's one more thing I don't have to worry about - thanks for the reminder!

blackflag - I know what you mean about suddenly being motivated to actually do things. The folks in the Nest told me to remember to take it easy - and they were right 'cause I've had some days I was just exhausted. But it's so nice having that bit of drive and motivation again!

Leigh and Ava, too - yeah, definitely hitting the cleaning part here. I have some gorgeous figurines and such that are just covered in dust - or that I boxed up during a room shuffle and never got back out again. It makes me sad that I have beautiful things in my house that I just haven't cared about for years, but it feels so good to pull things back out and be able to appreciate them again. All of my rooms look like spare rooms right now except the bathroom, kitchen, and living room - how sad! But I know I can get them looking great again. When all this started, we had been working on selling the house; it's insane how my spaces went from "we can show the house" to "dear goodness, I look like I moved in last week."

I was actually more often paranoid about what I said when I was drinking all the time - but I am nervous now that I know I'm more willing to disagree. I have to get used to the fact that people can and do disagree on many topics, and that's ok. I don't have to always try to play diplomat (which is double tough while you're drunk, let me tell ya).

Byrd - Thank you to you and everyone else who reminds us newbies that emotions all over and fatigue are *normal*. I've been reminding myself of that and it's really helped me not panic. Just because I'm tired one day doesn't mean the next day will be the same, and just because I was in a great mood one day doesn't mean I need to panic if I'm mopey and sad the next. I've also noticed that riding through my emotions helps as much as for the cravings.

I was randomly super upset that a friend hadn't responded to my message last night. "they must hate me and I'm such a pest and they probably think I'm this annoying puppy dog of a friend." So then I had a craving, of course. But I kept telling myself that everyone said it's part of the process...I ate something and then distracted myself and in an hour or so I realized...I didn't feel like it was an earth shattering big deal anymore. By the time I went to bed, I wasn't even really worried about it. And I was glad I didn't drink over a temporary splat of being over emotional. And of course the friend responded by this morning, anyway.

Daisy - I also downloaded Allen Carrs book after I'd already quit, just to see a different perspective on quitting and staying quit. Most of what he said made sense to me once I got used to his style of writing. (I'm awful but I "hear" him in my head in the voice of a sideshow salesman; it's just something about the way he writes, not actively distrusting his views!) The only thing I really disagreed on were some of his opinions about withdrawal...but I plan to stay with this quit so I won't have to worry if I need a medical detox! I plan to use some of his thinking when I feel ready to quit smoking, as well. I did well last time I quit, but I think some of his perspective would help.

Daevid - That is AWESOME news, and very encouraging for me! Even quit, I still worry about what I might have done to myself. (And yes, I know the smart thing would be to go in - just as soon as I can figure out health insurance, or if I have symptoms that worry me, I will, I promise) I know that quitting and staying quit is the best thing I can do for my body regardless, but that gives me a good chunk of hope as a reminder that quitting really does make a difference.

WMM - I don't want to give advice that makes anything worse, but I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Listen to the old timers when they weigh in, if you can? They've helped me so much just by knowing more than I do about how this all works. I'm 100% positive that my drinking made my horrid situation with my ex worse than it needed to be; I felt so scared and helpless and overwhelmed all the time and while some of that was him and the situation I can honestly say that everytime I drank the feelings got even worse and I had even less idea what to do to fix it. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, though; just I know how awful I felt in my own situation. Sending good thoughts and hoping you stay close!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

whitemarshmom;1699052 wrote: i havent completely fallen off the wagon, like most other Moms, i have been swamped with back to school stuff, dinner planning , homework organizing , laundry doing.. been drinking only a 4 pack a night, its ALOT less than i have in the past, i do feel more clarity, but i am also feeling alot more sadness particularly at my situation with DH. He really brings out the crazy bitch in me! My little girl has a blister on her heel and was wearing new shoes again today, im out of band aids GASP! and i asked him if he had any, and he laughs this laugh he laughs, its really a sarcastic put down of a laugh, and i asked loudly, i asked for a bandaid, why are you laughing! His reply was i cant believe you dont have band aids around here, i cant believe y ou dont buy bandaids. What an ASSHOLE!! He gives me absolutely 0 Credit for ANYTHING i do.. only complains about the house a mess, blah blah blah, i wish he would drop dead! no wonder i drink! im so sad, mad, depressed right now and i dont want to feel ANY of it! ( weeping) i have to ask my dad for a small loan so i can buy my daugther some birthday presents for Thursday, I would never ask DH for a freaking thing, not even so much a band aid for my little girl, the kids heard everything, i had earlier explained to DH that my son has a Football game in the same vicinity that i have my nephews wedding to attend..this Saturday ( no kids allowed at wedding), and he was like im not sure what you are asking me, this was before the band aid thing... so i had to explain what it was that i thought he should maybe do. The the band aid thing came up, and he exclaims forget Saturday then to me! as if he was DOING ME A FAVOR! I said out loud, you arent hurting me.. just him and pointed to my son.. DH wants to get at me anyway he possibly can.. which will be 100X worse if i leave.. I dont even care if i go to the wedding, i would rather be with my kids .. although i get no time for me.. i work full time out of my house, kids are back in school, im super sad and lonely right now.. Thanks for lending an ear. Im not trying to stop today...Theres just no way out.
HUGs

There are about 1000 things in this post that raise red flags....
First things first....there IS a way out, and that is to GET SOBER and STAY SOBER. As you've probably heard me say many times, my quit is the foundation upon which everything else is built. Before you put up that wall and say 'BUT HOW CAN I STOP WHEN HE'S SUCH AS ASSHOLE?'....before you give me ALL the reasons why you can justify drinking, I want you to look at the bolded areas above....you are drinking every day/ night, have screaming arguments with your husband in front of the children. AND it appears that you are using the children to 'get back' at your husband in front of them. My parents used to do this....it was awful. My brother and sister and I used to cower in the bedroom crying and praying they would stop fighting and yelling. This produces really ANXIOUS children, and I know that from bitter experience. I AM ONE OF THEM.

THERE IS SOMETHING you can do.. GET SOBER. If you look at the post above you will see that in your mind, you think that ONLY drinking a 4 pack is great progress. Maybe it is.....but remember you've been trying to quit since 2008 at least....for alcoholics like us, ONE drink is too many. Getting sober will help you think more clearly, be more patient and figure out a strategy to get out of that marriage, if that's what you want. Your current path looks as tho that break up may happen anyway, but you have 3 children you may lose in the process. I was eventually given an ultimatum....AL or my husband. In your case, it appears you are heading for 2 choices as well....AL or your children. I am so happy I chose my husband....I hope you will make the right choice. GET SOME HELP in person if you need to, please don't let this go on another month. Please get some help!

[blackflag]

Newbies Nest

Evening,
Had a pretty nice day hanging out with my mum and sisters who I've kind of been avoiding (I know that sounds bad) but just because I felt a state (and I was a state) and didn't really want them to worry about what was going on.
The only bad thing was we went for food and my sister's young son asked me why I was cold.
The room was hotter than the sun, but my hands were shaking, obviously from the detox or whatever.
Other than that it was nice, and we went to the park and fed the ducks.
Home safe now with a pizza and some soft drinks to settle for the night.
Hope everyone is doing ok.

[Rivergal]

Newbies Nest

Thank you all for making me smile. Just wanted to share that!
WMM- I hope you are okay. When I returned from Iraq, I was very angry at everyone, resentful for spending 6 months trying to put innocent victims of War back together, and when I retuned home I was sad, depressed, and angry, and very disconnected from my husband and children. The War and insane carnage I witnessed make me realize just how precious life is and how I didn't want to waste another minute. I also realized I was living in a marriage that had grown stale- we had drifted apart and , if we were honest, had stayed together for our children and truly didn't like each other anymore. Our professions didn't t allow for quality time together and we used that as a convenient excuse. We both loved our children, but not each other. I finally had the courage to get a divorce- it was a nightmare separation, but I remained kind, despite his actions, and I remained sober ( no AL was allowed at our site in Iraq ) I attended AA meetings upon returning, and without the help of my AA friends probably would have had a nervous breakdown...they all provided the support I needed. My point is- you cannot be the capable woman and mother that you are if you are drinking- the problems do not go away- and even drinking a 4 pack does not allow your biochemical brain to heal, and continues to prevent your body from absorbing vital nutrients. It is so easy for all of us to spiral downward, and each time we fall further, harder, and much more quickly. Your environment has to change- could it possibly start with you?
You are in my constant thoughts, as well as everyone in this nest. Our struggles are relentless, but we are fighters....our trusted old-timers promise the fight WILL become easier....thanks Byrdie, Ava, NS etc....

[whitemarshmom]

Newbies Nest

Byrd, I know you read ALOT of posts and things can get confusing. I only have 2 children and I DO NOT not drink DAY and night, i drink at night only..( not much of a consolation but still) I am NOT using my children against him, i was making a point by him saying he wouldnt help Saturday with pick up from Football because i have a wedding to go to.. then he told me well forget Saturday!, i could and will easily skip the wedding to make sure my children are where they need to be.. the argument i posted happened this MORNING before school everyone sober, and not even a little bit hungover. He enrages me when I am minding my own business , enrages me when he speaks to me any time of day, because of the way he is and enrages me with his digs even more when i am drinking, he said once to me , that his mother killed his father by all her bitching and he is trying to do the same thing to me..! I'm not trying to be argumentative, i appreciate all the kind words and encouragement.. but i wanted to set a few things straight. I am in almost every sense of the word a single parent. I do everything for my 2 children.. sports, homework, meals , bath, bedtimes, shopping.. cooking, loving, he is here to do things when it is convenient for him, which isnt often. There have been plenty of times when i have done the dinner and bedtime things drunk and later passed out, but i am not an all day all night drinker...and i hope those days are over, and the past 2 weeks i have been successful. Im sorry, im not wanting to upset anyone....

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

My apologies, for the slip of 2 vs 3 children. And by drinking every day/night, I meant daily drinking, not around the clock, I'm sorry for the confusion. Byrdie

[whitemarshmom]

Newbies Nest

I am soo sooo afraid of leaving, but neither one of us can stand each other.. He will not leave, its up to me, I will have to uproot them from their home, where they have lived ALL their lives...get a townhouse rental somewhere nearby so they can go to the same school.. My name is not on this house, DH lived here before he met me.. I am afraid of not being able to make it on my own even though i am making 80k Plus a year currently... we have a new CEO and Layoffs are occuring monthly. I work out of my home in MD, as corporate office is just outside of Miami FL. I am afraid to leave, because what if i get sick with cancer... so many many fears stand between me and what i want....i have been very very good these past 2 weeks and my sons Football is helping immensely with that, practice, games, etc, I will not drink and drive with my kids. I am happy with what i have accomplished over the past 2 weeks. I took a pic of the kids yesterday morning before they got on the bus and msgd to DH as a act of kindness maybe, i was thinking , gee maybe this not drinking or drinking less, could make things better and then this morning happened.. He is toxic! , even the smallest act of kindness is rebuted and spit upon.. He doesnt and has not had a meal with us in i dont know how many years... he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and thats the way it has been since we had children. we used to have things in common, before kids but thats long since gone. scuba diving we did yearly... mostly drinking, boating, partying, and after we had kids, he continued on his merry way, and its been me and the kids for um, almost 10 years we have never been to movies together. why didnt i open my eyes soo soo long ago... We never "talked" it was a superflous relationship , we need to end it. but i am afraid to leave

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

WMM,
I am certainly not a counselor...but the first step in this whole thing will be your sobriety, do we agree on that? Why don't you give us 30 days sober...and then maybe you will be in a whole different place? Like anything else in life, it takes a PLAN. Then once you have a sober foundation....we can work on a PLAN for the other thing. You will be amazed at how much difference 30 days can make...just look in the tool box at the 30 day speeches! How does that sound? Do-able? B

[whitemarshmom]

Newbies Nest

Yes, Byrd, thank you for sticking with me and not giving up when i feel like i want to give up....tonight is too late though.. Its our night off of practice and I've had a 2 glasses already, I'll check back in the morning, if thats ok.....I'm not going to over do, as i only have a 4 pk handy. and not enough $$ to buy anymore :l Thank you from the bottom of my heart for not kicking me out of the nest

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Looky here, WWM, quitting AL is a bitch....No 2 ways about it.
August 29, 2014 will be a big day in your life!! Your LAST Day 1!!! Hugs to you, B