Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

blackflag;1699765 wrote:
I'm a musician (well a drummer haha) so I don't think I could cope without music, but I must admit I've been avoiding a lot of my favourite albums this last week because of the link they have with drinking in my mind.

Hi, All:

I liked this BFlag - first your drummer joke, and then that idea of association. Certain songs can trigger feelings in me instantly - some of them associated with drinking. We're getting near to a full band here, I believe.

Tonight I went to a baseball game - BIG trigger for me. I long for a cold beer for about the first 5 or 10 minutes, and then I settle in, appreciate the fact that I sit in my seat the whole time and see the whole game instead of standing in line for beer or the bathroom. Yes, I'll never be thin or have a million dollars either.

Kensho - try to think of all of the GREAT things you're getting by not drinking instead of feeling deprived for not "being able" to drink. Maybe during the highly triggering time of cocktail hour you could go read your son a story or play a game with him. Pour yourself something good, eat something, and then rejoin the adults when that time is over. Even go for a walk or a swim, or read through Rahul's posts to see the joys of traveling sober. If you can shift your thinking from feeling sad to feeling grateful, you will lower your risk of relapsing. I know that when people would say that to me in the early days I just got mad - but I still did what they said to do, and lo and behold they were right. Part of being willing to follow in the footsteps of successful sober people.

OK - I'm off to bed. We have a three day weekend here in the US, so I still have two more days off. Whoot!

Good night,
Pav

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1699667 wrote: Late check-in! Great posts overnight! Remember that every post matters....if you are thinking it, odds are, someone else is, too. Knowing we aren't alone is very comforting.

Last night, hubs and I went out to dinner....a New Orleans type place, jumping and happy. Hubs ordered a beer, and I ordered water. We were sitting there and he asked me if I wished I could have a wine....I said, of course it would be nice...but I wish I could have a million dollars and be thin, too, and that ain't happening. I told him there was a time when I longed to have one with him and be normal about it, but it doesn't bother me now. It is a good feeling to be able to say that, it took me a LONG time to get to this point. I say all that to say this, I built up this immunity one day at a time. Get thru this day AF no matter what! When you get up tomorrow you will be so glad you did! Have a great day, eva-body!!! xo, B

Edit to add: Great job, Kensho! Brain fog is perfectly normal but in your second 30 days you will notice all that lifting and you will find you are at the TOP of your game! THAT'S a good feeling! I am so happy that you resisted the peer pressIure, this isn't a popularity contest for sure, we are in the fight of our lives and it's every girl for herself! WELL DONE!!!!

I don't know about anyone else, but Byrdie..I swear you speak to me directly and even in my dreams. I think God put u on this Earth to be an Angel to all of us, and I don't mean that lightly.

I am in total awe of you and your accomplishments.

I know my comments sound corny or whatever, but I'm saying it anyway.

Love,

Sarah

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Lots of good posts tonight! lav,pav, NS, ava, etc. (not gonna name them all), but just wonderful the last 2 days. Thanks to you all who are putting up with me and offering such great advice/posts.

love,

Sarah

[Leighann111]

Newbies Nest

Kensho, I hear what you mean about feeling left out. It seems everybody else is having fun but me, then I wait until the next morning and I'm glad I'm left out of the hangovers and guilt lol.
I'm still doing well, the thought of tasting wine makes me want to heave now which is a good thing, the other half is on day 5 and to quote him.......'5 days off the booze and I'm buzzing, cherry coke is my new best friend'

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning Nesters,

Looks like yesterday's great weather has moved on, today we're stick in clouds & massive humidity, oh well. I have lots of projects indoors to keep me out of trouble

It's great to see folks waiting out the thoughts & cravings, thinking it all the way through. Honestly, distraction was & still is my best tool. When you keep yourself & your mind really occupied AL disappears into the background & eventually disappears!

Wishing everyone a great AF Sunday!

Lav

[Pinecone]

Newbies Nest

Good morning friends.

Some great and thought provoking posts lately.

Last night, we grilled food outside and it was wonderful. Of course, when I was drinking, this was an excuse to have a huge drunkfest. I avoided cooking out for a long time after quitting because I knew that it would have those associations for me. I'm glad I avoided it. I can do that now with fresh associations; watching my four year old eat corn on the cob (much cuter than me bleary-eyed drunk).

Sitting on the deck with family, listening to music, cooking out, going out with friends. Those things are still there for us after we quit. We just need a little distance and perspective and that's ok. That's why I think it is good to avoid those situations that we very strongly associate with alcohol at first. Eventually we build new associations and life goes on. If we can't avoid them, then just realizing how temporary the cravings are might help. Urge surfing and understanding the witching hour concept helped me so much.

Leighann makes a great point. Sometimes we have that feeling that we would really...or that we are missing out. That feeling doesn't last though. Sitting here in the morning drinking my tea, I value this feeling so much more than I ever did drinking. It is real and pure and who I want to be. Drinking life is like that, overwhelming urges that are never satisfied and then huge dissapointment when we experience the pain of hangover and guilt/shame/regret.

Sarah, I know what you mean about Byrdie's posts. It is like getting hit by lightning.

Lav, I hope your foot is better soon!

Have a great AF Sunday!

[Londoner]

Newbies Nest

I'm a fuck up.

Going nowhere in my life.

Sat here drinking....really feeling rock bottom.

[allankay]

Newbies Nest

Hello everyone at MWO,

Tomorrow will be a 2 year anniversary of my quit and I wanted to write a post to share my experiences, challenges and lessons learned.

A short background story

Exactly two years ago was a Friday 31st of September 2012. I finished work and was looking forward to going out as most people do. I got dressed up and left my place at around 6-7pm. Most of the evening I don't remember not because I was drunk but because it wasn't specifically eventful. I had a bunch of drinks with friends. However, as always when everyone started to leave to go home around 11-12pm I wanted to carry on.

My biggest anxiety on a Friday night was to run out of alcohol and knowing that every hour brought me closer to closing time made me upset. So I said good bye to my friends and went of search of an after hours bars on my own. I remember finding a late night karaoke bar. I remember being extremely obnoxious. Trying to bribe the DJ to download my song as he didn't have it. I remember being upset about it and making a big scene. I remember trying to sing a song that I didn't know the lyrics of. I remember trying to speak to strangers and hit on their girls thinking I was something special. And leaving on my own and going home and feeling very sad.

May be alcohol was revealing some insecurities or creating a fiction person that didn't reflect my real personality. In reality I try to be mindful, helpful and the last thing that I like is making a scene. So every time I would wake up on a Saturday morning, not just hangover but also with incredible feeling of guilt. I can still remember that horrible weekly dose of guilt that I would get every Saturday. This would be followed by anxiety checking my phone if I called anyone the night before. I would often dial people that I knew at ungodly hour for no particular reason.

That Saturday the feeling of shame and guilt was so overwhelming that I decided to seek help and spent the entire weekend doing research trying to find a forum, or a group of people in a similar situation that I could share my feelings with and try to stop this soul poisonous cycle. I believe that I joined MWO in the next few day and can see that my first post happened on the 4th of September.

From the start I decided to try to quit both cigarettes and alcohol. One addiction was always reinforcing the other. Smoking triggered alcohol cravings and vice versa. The first few days seemed easy. However, I never had a problem abstaining for up to 3 days but I could never go a whole week without alcohol. How else would I relief the stress of every day life? right?

By the end of the week I was really struggling and I remember passing a bar and feeling my hands started to shake. I had a hard time focusing on any aspect of my life. But I did have plan set out to help me keep my goal. I decided that for the first 30 days I would not go out anywhere. I believe I binged heavily on sweets when I craved alcohol and of course I started posting regularly on MWO. This was probably the most effective tool that I had. Knowing that someone somewhere was going through the same emotions really made me feel stronger. Encouraging words from regulars helped a lot but at the time I remember I was trying to beat other new members at the AF days game. And my competitive spirit was of great help.

I established a 15 minute rule. I told myself if you crave alcohol, think it over for 15 minutes and then if you cant find a reason to stay quit then go a drink yourself silly. Luckily the benefits of being sober are immense and I never continued to purchase booze after 15 minutes of thinking about it.

The benefits of quitting:

1) Time! As drinking most of my spare time revolved around alcohol. I would be hangover on Saturday and Sunday mornings, wasting my precious weekends. On holidays I preferred to drink by the beach to going hiking, surfing, or doing any type of fun activity. I would come back from a holiday more tired than when I left.

Now I can plan my activities. I have evening free to pursue my business goals and hobbies. I feel rested after a weekend. I discovered the joys of waking up early and doing something productive.

2) Anxiety, guilt and shame are gone. This is almost as important to me as gaining time. I used to get terrible anxiety on Saturday morning just thinking about what I did the night before. Constantly having to apologize to my friends. Constantly feeling overwhelming guilt and not being able to speak to some people for weeks knowing or unknowing what I said or did.
Now I still make mistakes or say the wrong thing once in a while. But I am quick to apologize and usually I know what I say and why I say it. So there is no need to say "I am sorry". If I feel angry it is because someone upset me, not for a silly petty things that you care so much when you are drunk.

3) Money. It is incredible how much money you can save in just two years by quitting. Just alcohol and cigarettes used to consume no less than ?100 a week this was often higher because I live in an expensive city. But many people largely underestimate how much money they spend on alcohol and alcohol related activities. You need to account for late night taxies, ruined clothing, lost items, after hours junk food, and of course the high price of alcohol and cigarettes in after hours bars and clubs. So even at ?100 that's like ?10,400 that I save in two years. That is 10 exotic holidays, a BMW mini... And the best part I didn't have to sacrifice anything for it.

4) Healthier relationships. I didn't realise how toxic some of my relationships had been until I quit. People always cite loosing friends when quitting as a negative. However, what kind of friends do you lose as a result of trying to improve/save your life? Guess... (not very good ones).

5) Health. It is hard to explain in words the benefit of AF and SF lifestyle. But I will try to list as many as I can

- Lose weight

- Skin looks much better

- Sweat less

- Less pain (mainly less headaches and stomach aches)

- Endurance (I completed a marathon since giving up, there is no way I would have been able to achieve that before. In a thought of doing a 5K was equivalent to going to the moon)

- Sense of taste is better. Yes this one may sound strange but many people on MWO have reported this. Alcohol kills or numbs your taste receptors and if you are a smoker too then you gain even more of your sense back

- Sex. I don't remember having sex completely sober before I quit. It can be awkward sometimes but it is so worth it. Because you actually get to enjoy it, remember it and connect with the other person. Stamina is a million times improved. I would say that if you never had sex sober you never really had sex

- Emotional stability. My emotions are not all over the place any more. I know why I feel happy, I know why I feel sad and I usually know how to deal with my emotions. I spend more time in the state of being content.

- Safety. When you drink there is more chances of putting yourself in a harms way. Whether it is leaving the oven on, walking through a dangerous neighbourhood or just going out late at night, driving or being a passenger with a drunk driver, being more aware of your situations and being at lower risk of becoming a victim.

I am sure there are a million other example I can list here...


However, I think it is also important to discuss the down side of giving up the drink as well. There is only one but it does affect my life in many ways and sometimes cause arguments. It Has nothing to do with you per se but people hate and I repeat hate teetotallers!!!!

Out of 100 people 10 people will try to verbally or even physically put you down for your decision not to drink. 40/100 wont like it but will keep their mouth shut but you will sense their uneasiness around you at least at the beginning. It will be your job to show them that you are a great and fun person and they usually warm up to you eventually. the other 40/100 don't notice or don't care. and the final 10/100 admire your decision and will ask why and how you did it.

These people act of a fear of unknown and it is a primitive fear of the outsiders. But I had some crazy reactions from people over the last two years. Some people who were throwing a party would ask me to leave, after finding out that I don't drink. May be they didn't mean it but their expression surely was serious. People also seem to distrust teetotallers. This sounds irrational as teetotallers seem to be more responsible but I have noticed it in business settings as well. Most networking events involve alcohol. And I feel like I have to carefully select drinks that look like they have alcohol in them to fool every one. Most women don't like alcoholics but they equally cant stand when a guy Is not drinking on a date. I posted a thread about a year ago about a girl that got so freaked out about me not drinking that she assumed I had some sort of evil intentions. She kept asking why I don't drink, am I a criminal or a drug abuser and I had to leave that situation. It was absolutely insane. It was a girl that I had an amazing time with until she asked me what I was drinking.

So one of the best advices I can give is never bring up you sobriety as a topic for conversation. It never leads anywhere good. Your friends will accept it and after a few outings will not notice it anymore. However, new people in your life will give you the hardest time so be strong and have a fun come back ready!!!

People at the beginning of this journey are worried that they will have to live the rest of their lives feeling as if they gave up something. On the contrary I live every day grateful that I don't drink. I never think that if only I could drink like a normal person. Never!

It is your brain trying to trick you into drinking. Those thoughts will stop probably around day 100 but every one is different.

So trust the people who have gone through all of this when they say this is the best decision you have ever made and you will never regret it!

Good Luck

Allan

[blackflag]

Newbies Nest

Londoner;1699925 wrote: I'm a fuck up.

Going nowhere in my life.

Sat here drinking....really feeling rock bottom.

Hey londoner, I've not been here too long, but I know how you feel.
Me and you are about the same age and we've been drinking about the same amount of time.
It's time we both got ourselves out of this mess we're in.

Best bet is to stop drinking and make tomorrow day one. I've only had 7 days and I feel better than I have in a long time.

[Rivergal]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1699796 wrote: Trouble started at 4:30 at grocery store. MIL, DH and I walked through the superstore for groceries and passed the wine section. MIL asked me questions about pony wines... I touched one and then said out loud "I gotta get outta here." We finished shopping, but by the time we got home, the desire to participate in happy hour was strong. But the cocktail on the deck was sparkling water for me. I know it wasn't true, but I felt lame. I should have felt proud, but I have felt a bit down on myself here.

Skip to mid-dinner though and MIL could not balance well and had slurred speech. Hubs was buzzed a little and I could tell. Annoyed me.

So, first part of evening, I felt left out. Second half, I noticed all the shit AL does to you... The way it makes you stupid, disconnected, loud, uninhibited, and smell bad.

They will drink every night here. But I am not, and I told my 8 yr old son tonight that I stopped drinking grown up drinks because they made me drink more than i should, and so I could be healthier and live longer. His smile meant the world to me.

Loving it. You write & express your struggles so vividly. Kensho- the last line made my cry- very happy tears, indeed. Love to all.

[Rivergal]

Newbies Nest

Allan, great read....thank you!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Hey Nesters! It sounds like we're getting the band back together!!!
:band2:

Thank you for the kind works, Pinecone and Sarah....I appreciate that!

AllanKay, your observations and accounts of this 2 year journey are EPIC. Thank you for taking the time to share that with us....I wish you'd put that in the Tool Box, it is priceless information!
2 years? You are ON FIRE!!!!
nfire:

Cherokeer, 90 days? You are royalty around here!!! *Doink* Your crown!
:crowned:

Soft Focus, checking in with 50 days!!!!That's da Bomb!!!
:bomb:

Black Flag, around here, 7 days AF earns you a full moon!
:moon:
You've conquered every day the week can throw at you! The worst is BEHIND you!!! Keep up the streak!!

Londoner;1699925 wrote: I'm a fuck up.

Going nowhere in my life.

Sat here drinking....really feeling rock bottom.

Londoner,
I have heard from 1000's of nesters over the years, and one thing that so many have said is that they never really hit a rock bottom....never lost a job, never got a DUI or ruined a relationship. The next thing they usually say is "So how I can stop forever if it hasn't REALLY been so bad?" It is true that not EVERYONE hits that bottom, but if it happens (and it did for me, too) I think it ended up saving my life. When you are on the bottom, there's ONE way to go and that's up. As bad as the bottom is, it CAN be a blessing for an alkie. This is the time to get yourself out of the pit. It reminds me of a story about the donkey in the well:

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the... donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

We have heard your cries for help and we are here to help you. Get all the AL out of your space and vow to buy NO MORE. It's time for a new life.....let's get started! I KNOW you can do this! Take it one step (one chunk of 15 minutes) at a time. Take our hands and help yourself out.....hugs dear man, we are right beside you. xo, Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1699947 wrote:
I have heard from 1000's of nesters over the years, and one thing that so many have said is that they never really hit a rock bottom....never lost a job, never got a DUI or ruined a relationship. The next thing they usually say is "So how I can stop forever if it hasn't REALLY been so bad?" It is true that not EVERYONE hits that bottom, but if it happens (and it did for me, too) I think it ended up saving my life. When you are on the bottom, there's ONE way to go and that's up. As bad as the bottom is, it CAN be a blessing for an alkie. This is the time to get yourself out of the pit. It reminds me of a story about the donkey in the well:

Rock bottoms can be great springboards for positive change if, in the long run, meeting that bottom doesn't do irreparable harm - a ruined relationship, brain or liver damage that is permanent, even the death of you or someone else.

Byrdie's rock bottom was a bad one but she and her husband came out stronger than ever. That, in my opinion, is a best case scenario. Not everyone has that experience.

This addiction stripped all of us of one thing that all humans need and value - a sense of control. Now, while we don't actually have total control over everything in our lives (and it is a mistake to think that we do), we can determine what we do and do not put in our mouths. External circumstances do not have to- and should not- dictate when we stop drinking. Why wait until you can't drink because you are institutionalized - prison or hospital - and are no longer in charge of yourself? Or because you've lost everything and have no money? Or because this addiction kills you?

Please, please don't wait for a rock bottom. Don't let fate determine the outcome of your life. It is within each of us to decide, once and for all, that we've had enough of this hell and to do whatever it takes to become free.

NS

[Londoner]

Newbies Nest

Everything is different - I'm at a dead end, a dark place. I've had it in my mind that I could hit this place, almost been waiting to, but never reached it.

It's here and I'm scaring myself. I feel detatched and more lonely than ever.

Lot's of different pressures and realisations have landed at my door.

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Londoner - is there someone you can call? To keep you company? Even the darkest day will seem even darker with the haze of alcohol, and the anxiety that comes from drinking. If you can take care of yourself, eat, drink water and sleep, maybe it won't seem so bad and you'll be able to chart your course out of that place. A friend could help.

BFlag - congratulations on a week.

Allan - that was an amazing post. When people ask am I an alcoholic? I think the answer is what do you think? How it makes you feel is as much a determinant as anything (up to a point when it is obvious). I haven't encountered the hostility about my not drinking yet, but I don't think many people still know. Big parties I just carry around a glass the same as anyone else, and my friends so far have been understanding and supportive (I guess my over drinking was more obvious than I thought it was). CONGRATULATIONS and thanks for sticking around to show us how it is done.

A beautiful day here in my part of the nest. Off for a hike and a swim and maybe a movie tonight. And plenty of ice cream.

Stay close, Nesters. Hang on. Those nest moms and dads seem to know what they're saying!

Pav