Newbies Nest

[Pie]

Newbies Nest

Geez, Fin! Not sure I've heard of a situation like that before. Surely another MWOer will come along with advice to offer. Meantime, I'm here, and hear your rant!

Pie

[Samstone]

Newbies Nest

Fin
pm'd you
Sam

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Sam and Pie. It's a real conundrum. By not sharing the depth of my struggle I keep the door open to caving again. The message has already started in my head - "only drink socially and stop at 2 beers or glasses of wine." I know what I need to do. I'll be okay tonight. Thanks SO much for answering the 911 call.

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Hey Fin... ranting is what this site is for. Someone may be going through what you are. I think you need to tell your wife that moderation does not work for you so you don't have to play this game in your head - seems like an impossible wire to walk. I just spent 5 days with heavy drinkers who went to great lengths to get their buzz - and I just stuck to my story that I'm not drinking. PERIOD. By the end of the trip they were telling me how impressed they were with my discipline. It has been said here, and I believe it, that all other drinkers really care about is getting their fix. I think if others are uncomfortable, its because they are evaluating their own possible issues. And that's not your problem. The people who love you will still love you - and self respect will look good on you.

And please don't drink for others!! My first quit was just prior to a big vacation we took with another couple. A week before we left, I began drinking again - not because I craved it - but because I didn't want to deal with being the non-drinker. I picked up where I left off and the second time I tried to quit, it was much harder. I think you have to take care of you - not make major gambles on your health and happiness because others might "feel uncomfortable".

My hubs and I have made a lot of past recreation out of drinking. We met in a bar. We drank after a long backpacking trip to numb the feet. We visited any local brewery we could find for the "craft" - though it was just an excuse to get a buzz. It has been our modus operandi - but I told him that I need to do this, and that I am afraid of what he will think, but that I don't want to be the drinking person any more. I guess I feel that it is my survival we are talking about here, so he can stay or leave - but I'm not dying a slow death drowning in AL. I think others will understand more than you think - and even admire your decision to take care of yourself. And if they don't, maybe they are not as good of friends as you think.

Sorry if that's harsh... I just went through the same thing and wanted to share. I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive now. I hope you remember that your health is the most important thing in your life though. Hugs.

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1701762 wrote: Hey Fin... ranting is what this site is for. Someone may be going through what you are. I think you need to tell your wife that moderation does not work for you so you don't have to play this game in your head - seems like an impossible wire to walk. I just spent 5 days with heavy drinkers who went to great lengths to get their buzz - and I just stuck to my story that I'm not drinking. PERIOD. By the end of the trip they were telling me how impressed they were with my discipline. It has been said here, and I believe it, that all other drinkers really care about is getting their fix. I think if others are uncomfortable, its because they are evaluating their own possible issues. And that's not your problem. The people who love you will still love you - and self respect will look good on you.

And please don't drink for others!! My first quit was just prior to a big vacation we took with another couple. A week before we left, I began drinking again - not because I craved it - but because I didn't want to deal with being the non-drinker. I picked up where I left off and the second time I tried to quit, it was much harder. I think you have to take care of you - not make major gambles on your health and happiness because others might "feel uncomfortable".

My hubs and I have made a lot of past recreation out of drinking. We met in a bar. We drank after a long backpacking trip to numb the feet. We visited any local brewery we could find for the "craft" - though it was just an excuse to get a buzz. It has been our modus operandi - but I told him that I need to do this, and that I am afraid of what he will think, but that I don't want to be the drinking person any more. I guess I feel that it is my survival we are talking about here, so he can stay or leave - but I'm not dying a slow death drowning in AL. I think others will understand more than you think - and even admire your decision to take care of yourself. And if they don't, maybe they are not as good of friends as you think.

Sorry if that's harsh... I just went through the same thing and wanted to share. I'm sorry your wife isn't supportive now. I hope you remember that your health is the most important thing in your life though. Hugs.

Thank you, thank you! All good thoughts to go to bed with in my head.

[Matt M.]

Newbies Nest

. I guess I feel that it is my survival we are talking about here, so he can stay or leave - but I'm not dying a slow death drowning in AL

Nailed it!
Fin~ you are in a tough situation, I was thinking of a way to shed some light on your situation, I could not have said it better the Kensho.
I too agree you have to share this with your wife. Please stay plugged in here and vent away
Stay Hard brother!

[available]

Newbies Nest

There is no shame in admitting you are an alcoholic Fin, i am not ashamed to tell the ones closest to me. The are proud that i have given up drinking and now support me quietly from the sidelines. these are the people i am accountable to and i can ask for help if i am feeling fragile. If others feel uncomfortable that is not your problem, it is their problem. Protect your quit with your life is my advice. I have stopped being friends with a few people who have not accepted my decision and it is their loss not mine. Believe me i am more fun now i am not drinking than i ever was being a drunk.

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Fin - my husband and I are 100% drinking buddies. Each time over the years I have told him I was afraid of my consumption, etc., he just told me to "cut back." This time, I had a long heart-to-heart with him about my drinking, and gave him the dirty details. It was a talk that brought us much closer. I was worried that I wouldn't be fun, or we wouldn't have fun together, but I am not bs'ing you, I STILL have fun. I stay out late, see live music, attend four hour dinner parties, all of it surrounded by alcohol. I am still fun, I still have fun, and we have fun together. AND he has a permanent designated driver (might not be the best for him...) I hope you can talk to her about what you're really going through.

Congratulations, Matt! My new nest aspiration is to have you tell me to "stay hard!" I'm not fishing for it now, mind you, but someday I hope to inspire the comment spontaneously. I, too, consider Ava the Queen of Badassery. You're a good judge of character. 30 days is very cool.

You, too, Kensho. The flatness comes and goes, comes back, goes again. The good thing is that it goes away slowly. Set your next goal, and we'll keep celebrating.

Kensho and Matt - there is a tradition around here of a 30 day speech. Anything you have to say to Newbies coming behind you to inspire them to make it past that tough day 3?

WMM - Sorry about losing your job. For certain, looking for a new one is best done sober and without a hangover.

Lav - Happy for the drop over from your kids. Ava, if you want grandkids, maybe you should spend the night elsewhere?

Off to bed. Happy to see a strong group of sober people here.

xo
Pav

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

Thanks, all. Available, your avitar is a great reinforcing message as well

[JWP]

Newbies Nest

I'm about to go to bed on day 2. Didn't drink today either. Yay.

Someone asked what my plan is to stay dry? I'm not sure that what I'm doing counts as a "plan," but I'm planning AF activities for each night. I'm also on a diet - counting calories, which I can be pretty serious about when I commit to it - and alcohol doesn't fit well into the diet. I also made a list of projects to complete, which I can turn to when I feel the urge to drink. Basically, I'm planning to stay busy and healthy and get a lot done.

Alright? off to sleep now.

JWP

[available]

Newbies Nest

Kensho great work on 30 days, i just looked at roll call. a wonderful achievement, keep on keeping on, life only gets better and better as the months go by.

JWP my plan has always been not to drink for today and to post on mwo daily or twice daily to keep accountable and to protect my quit with my life. I have been doing those three things and it seems to be working 9 months later.

Pav i am thinking i may have to give the kids instructions on how to give me grandchildren but i am patient, all good things come to those who wait.

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

LavenderBlue;1700508 wrote: Hey Sarah - I know you asked Byrd and I'm also interested in what the old timers have to say; but your question is one that I did a lot of thinking about before I announced myself here.

In a lot of ways, you could say I had a "high bottom." When I was drinking the most a few years back I did end up with pancreatitis...but it was a "mild" case, didn't need a hospital stay. I never lost a job over my drinking, never got a DUI, I don't have any one relationship I can point to that was destroyed by my drinking. I don't have kids so I've never had doubts about if I'm being the best mom I can be.

For me, though, seeing the direction I was headed towards is part of what got my attention. I knew I was drinking more than was strictly healthy, and I knew it wasn't...it wasn't something I was doing because it was fun anymore. I knew that even thinking about taking a month off sounded like something really hard for me...and just the fact that it sounded hard told me something about how much I've been relying on drinking. And I don't like that something controls me like that. And after I did the math on how much I was drinking I had to admit it wasn't some small problem. Comparing what I was actually consuming, in oz, to the reccommended amount? Yeah...not good.

I also realized I was completely miserable with my life - some of that is legit depression/anxiety but I realized I've always ignored all the intelligent folks who mention that drinking alcohol, especially in more than the reccomended amounts, can and does make both of those worse. I may have been doing a decent job making sure my drinking didn't affect anyone else...but I've been driving myself into this little hole of miserable. I also started getting paranoid that some day I WOULD do something that would make it obvious I should stop drinking....because then I'd have people telling me I should stop drinking! And I wasn't ok with that, at all.

But taken outside of myself...that's some messed up logic. "I'm scared that someone will notice I'm doing something bad to myself, because then the folks who care about me might want me to stop."

There was more thinking than just that, but that's at least some of what came to my mind as I've been thinking. I didn't like where my life was at in a very personal way, regardless of how I appear to others. My bottom sure as hell felt like one, I just kept it very very quiet so no one would ask questions. Waking up in the morning miserable and depressed and convinced I ruined my life on a daily basis...even if I wasn't "acting out" in big ways, the feelings and effect on me were still there. Rearranging my life to make sure I could drink at home may have saved me from DUIs...but it meant I spent all my time at home, alone, drinking. The money I spent, I'll never get back. The way I started questioning myself all the time killed a lot of what should have been fun days. And I was willing to see if not-drinking helped. So far it has helped, very much. So if not-drinking is doing me noticeably more good than drinking was...it wouldn't be hard to quit if I didn't definitely have a problem, yeah? And if I definitely have a problem, it would be pretty arrogant for me to assume I'll be the special snowflake who'll never hit a worse bottom if I continue to drink.

But I'm also weird on perspective, I think. Like, I honestly am not super interested in if I'm more an alcoholic or more an alcohol abuser. I've had people tell me either, based on my extended history. I have an issue, and the issue is with AL, and I need to stop because I am not someone who can casually drink. Arguing with myself over technical definitions of my bottom etc. were loopholes I was using to keep drinking, so I swapped my brain to focus on the problem and the solution instead.

I don't mean any of that to make it sound like it's easy for me, either. It's not and it's not going to be. But I still see it as something I need to do. Bottoms are odd things too, though. I know folks who have hit "worse" bottoms than I have who keep drinking. And people with higher ones than me who stopped a lot sooner.

EDIT: Also, sidenote; I literally don't know how much of any of that was things I was thinking myself or things I only admitted once I was already reading/posting here. I was still drinking when I came here, so mostly I just remember being miserable and upset after a very mild argument with a friend, and hating my life as I always did, and wondering how I turned into such a huge screwup...and then reading here and somehow finally seeing that the AL was in the way of everything else. That and the support when I poked my head in. There's a lot of things I'm seeing now in hindsight that "Oh yeah...of course that was also related to my drinking" when at the time I completely was not putting two and two together.
wow! love this! While intellectually I know this, I still needed to hear it. Thank YOU! Gotta read back!

[jenniech]

Newbies Nest

Fin, I totally relate. conundrum indeed.
I had the sit down with my husband…..and even had my aa sponsor sit down with him. but he STILL doesn't get it. and I too am not a load a fun in social situations. It is a very difficult struggle, I will give you that. so, just know that you are not alone!

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Byrdlady;1700556 wrote: Good Morning, Nesters!
Back to the grind today!
LavBlue, I also vote that you put that last post in the tool box maybe give it a title of NOT hitting rock bottom or some such....it is hard to believe that you have gained SO MUCH clarity in such a short amount of time. Beautifully written!

I had a wonderful 3 day weekend...I did not check work email one time! Bwahahah!! Worked in the yard, went shopping, did exactly what I wanted to!! But here is the BEST part...AL was no where in sight...the THOUGHT of AL was no where in sight, now that is nirvana to folks like us! I didn't give AL any of my precious time (mentally or physically). It was wonderful. It just takes some time. Give time, time to work for you.

Sarah, I'm not sure I can add anything to what has already been said, but I will. I want to ask you one question first. It is a YES or NO question. It is simple, yet VERY complex....and there really isn't any middle ground or qualification needed. I just want an HONEST answer. Sarah, would you say you are you an alcoholic?
Byrdie

My gut says yes...that's why I am here. However, I'm not sure. I've read everything under the sun...units/amts,etc. I haven't been 'drunk' in months if not years, but I drink daily...so that IS a problem. I drink just enough to relieve stress or anxiety and pretty much go to bed, but I know that is not good for me. DAMNIT Byrdie you always do this!!

From the common scientific standpoint of units consumed..yes I am. However, I don't get drunk, don't have hangovers, or do stupid shit I remember everything the next day. I think this is why this is so hard for me. I can't exactly relate to some/most of you in 'that' way, but I still think I drink way too much.

Lordy, I have watched several documentaries, interventions, and researched a ton of medical research stuff...and your question is as perplexing as it seems.

Again, if I didn't think I had a problem; I wouldn't be here. But I would be lying if I said I didn't think in the back of my head that I didn't have a problem and just 'enjoy' a few drinks.

I still cook. clean, wash clothes, have wonderful conversations with my son, take care of the dogs, etc.

However, a ' normal' person doesn't drink everyday.

So to answer your question Byrdie...IDFK. I just know for health reasons I need to stop (and I have cut down immensely). However, the idea of stopping completely has me in panic attack mode. I enjoy my drinks esp during football season.

I guess the bottom line is, I am torn. On one hand..I think I need to stop, and on the other...I feel I'm ok cause I control it. (or I think I do)

I'm sure I will get alot of flack about this, but plz everyone know before you berate me...I DID come here b/c I felt I needed help.

Personally, I don't think it's black and white...I think every person who comes here is an individual with their own problems/needs/wants, etc. Well..that is me...I'm a weird case I guess.

Love,

Sarah

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

That being said Byrdie- yes