Newbies Nest

[frances]

Newbies Nest

Hey everyone - glad to see folks staying strong, and those of you who are back and trying again! I'm at 6+ months and having some thoughts lately - was at a ball game yesterday and that was pretty intense. I realized I need to come back here more often - I've been drifting away - still log on daily but have been busy and not able to read or post as much as I would like. I will make more of an effort. Taking it day by day but it's been awhile since I've had thoughts of drinking. I don't like it! The good news is these thoughts are more and more rare and I just need to get through it when it happens. It only takes a little while and then I am good to go!

Keep it up everyone!

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Pinecone;1703200 wrote: Sarah, sending you support. I can really appreciate the fact that you are still here, despite getting honest, tough-love type support. We all ended up on this site to deal with our drinking. My drinking "voice" once convinced me that I really needed 9 volt batteries, so I had to go to the store of course. I considered it and went right along with it, then told my wife I had to go and of course bought more beer. It felt very dirty to deceive myself and others like that.

I strongly believe that trying to find "the reason" or "WHY" is a huge dead end. The proof is in the pudding. Has it worked? Maybe it is time to try the problem from the other end. Drinking is the problem and not drinking is the solution. This site is a huge collective knowledge concerning quitting drinking and staying sober because we have many, many more similarities than we do differences. You have absolutely nothing to lose by trying to do 30 days AF!
Sarah, I agree with Pinecone?you've been exploring the "why" forever and its seems like a giant dead end. You say that you need to get to that "A-HA!" moment and figure out the "Why" you drink before you can quit, but I've been on this board for 6 months and you joined before me. I know I've read posts from you describing your excitement in having achieving an "A-HA" moment before. Yet you keep drinking.

Everyone, I think, has tried giving you advice, including me. From my perspective, your response to advice has generally been in one of two ways: (1) Ignore it; or, (2) Respond with excuses about how you are different from everyone else somehow: You need AL to calm your tremors; anxiety; you are waiting for medical advice; tapering seems to be working for you; you never hit a rock bottom; your brain works differently?.the list goes on and on and on.

What I have the hardest time with is when you write about how things are somehow more difficult for you than others. I?m asking you to think about how statements like that sound from the perspective of other people on this board....here?s just one recent example of too many to count?.

Sarah42;1702807 wrote: I don't mean to be repetitive, but I don't have that problem. So, it's easier (for me) to be less accountable to the amt (and how often) I drink.

If you get rid of the double-negatives in that statement, it would read, ?It?s harder (for me) to be more accountable??. Harder than who? Those of us who HAVE hit rock bottom? Those of us who saw the bottom coming and quit first? Those of us who have tried too many Day 1?s to count? Those of us who made it for months or years and then relapsed?

Like Ava, I will admit to being one of the frustrated?and what I?m about to say may sound harsh, so please, please take it with the kindness with which it is intended: If you are an alcoholic, which you admitted to being recently in a response to Byrdie, you are NOT special, you are NOT unique, it is NOT harder for you than others to quit, and you are NO different from any other person on this forum. PERIOD. If you truly want to quit, which you claim to want, NOTHING about your brain, your personality, your medical issues, etc., is making quitting an ounce harder for you than it was for any of the rest of us. You are NOT the exception to the rule. If quitting is your goal, you need to stop bullshitting yourself with the thousands of excuses you?re grasping onto in order to keep drinking and stop bullshitting those of us who?ve tried to help you. Because if you truly wanted to stop, you could, at least for a few days. You?ve done two day 1?s ? now do 1 more and get to a day 2. And then a 3. And then 7, and then 14 and then 30. If you truly wanted to stop, you could at least get a few days down. If you don?t want to stop, well?.then there?s nothing else I or anyone can say that will help you.

You can read all the posts and books you want, but the only thing that will help you to quit is to not pick up that first drink today. If today?s too late, then tomorrow. I?m with everyone else who want to see you succeed. Now show yourself that you can!

[roxane]

Newbies Nest

great post pepper.

hi frances!

[LavenderBlue]

Newbies Nest

Hey all - well, I made it through the week with my mom on vacation at home. I know, that sounds awful; but I think it's mandatory that daughters and mothers sometimes butt heads. I've also made it through some very emotionally charged conversations with close friends of mine this week on some topics that tend to really get people mad.

The second one was actually harder - it's been a long time since I voiced opinions without also being apologetic for having them. And unlike my mom, the whole world doesn't know I'm in recovery at the moment. It's really been amazing the difference being sober has made, though. I always used to be very proud that I can discuss topics like that very well, actually listen to the other side, and that I'm not afraid to speak my mind. I haven't actually acted that way in a long time, though. I feel like I have a part of me back that I really missed. There's a bravery in speaking out like that, and AL stole that from me. I also never realized how much I was letting myself be resentful of all the times I wanted to disagree (respectfully!) but didn't for fear of looking stupid or that they'd be angry with me.

Fat fella - Nice to met you and glad you're back here!

Chero - Yay on 100 days, that's brilliant! And thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Abcowboy - I love the idea of keeping your coin on your keyring. I like having tokens to remind me to settle down when I'm stressed; I think I'm going to put some thought into what I can use to transfer that into a reminder of why I'm AF. Maybe I'll buy myself a ring for one of my anniversaries or something. I like counting the days right now because it makes me feel so good to hit days that I never thought were possible and it helps me set that next goal to reach for; but I can also see how your thinking would help, especially for longer term.

[Fat fella]

Newbies Nest

That article is very interesting Ginger. It also may explain why whenever I have tried to quit in the past I have ended up binging on sweet stuff as a substitute! Well, day 1 drawing to a close now, so hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling positive again.

[Fin]

Newbies Nest

NewStartNow;1703310 wrote: Day 7 and made it through the weekend! Question - how do you learn to love and accept yourself? Ever since I was a child, I remember thinking I was somehow less than others. I searched for love and approval in all the wrong places. Now in my 40's, I still struggle with self esteem. I know this is at the core of my problems, but I just can't seem to get to that place of peace and happiness. How have others changed these negative thoughts when they are so ingrained?

Wooooot on Day 7. You should definitely be proud of this recent accomplishment. Accomplishments, regardless of size, are what seems to bring me (anyone?) peace. It could be as simple as saying "hi" to someone new that you routinely see each day. Seems we all get a great boost of confidence through exercise as well. At times, even a short walk with your new found clarity can really fill an empty heart, build esteem and foster gratitude.

For me it's all about connecting with people and giving and trying not to be too serious, or overly emotional -- especially when dealing with kids. Again, I exercise daily (swim, bike, hike, yoga, walk, row, push around wts, whatever) and really mix it up. Man, that does help! Without it, grrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, my humble advice is to look for opportunities for any kind of growth like you're doing here at MWO and then revel in whatever successes emerge for you. Slowly you'll build a history of success and that's important for anyone's emerging esteem. If you ask me, you're on your way...

[LavenderBlue]

Newbies Nest

Sarah42;1703082 wrote: For me as far as drinking is concerned; instead of saying "Sarah..stop..this isn't good for you", my mind thinks this: "Sarah, you need to evaluate the amt of AL you are consuming. It's too much I think. Let's see WHY are you drinking, how many grams of AL is actually being absorbed into your system, WHY do you enjoy it, what benefit are you getting out of it, why did you pick this shit up in the first place, why can't you understand what you are drinking at, is there anyone out there who understands what I'm doing, is there anyone out there that can tell me why I'm doing it, k Sarah..we know you've been thru some shit, but other ppl deal with it, how do other ppl deal, Lord plz save me, I only had 3 drinks last night- whoohoo, Sarah, 3 is too many", and etc etc.

So I'm a little torn on this part because I would normally suggest that perhaps you sit down and actually write out these things. Get a notebook and actually write down (honestly) how much you drink compared to the recommended, why you think it's beneficial, etc. all in one place. Each time you want a drink, pause first and write something in that notebook about why you think you need one. Then when your mind starts questioning, you can pull out that notebook and see it all, right there, in black and white. Writing things down really helps my mind when it's doing cartwheels. But...I can only really give that advice and think it will help if someone is already quitting.

The problem is...I know I wasn't honest with myself about how much I was drinking until I was already positive I needed to stop. I told myself "I only have a few" so many times that not only did I believe it, but I ignored that I mixed mine about 3 times as strong as an actual one-unit drink. I also didn't get perspective on what my triggers were until I spent time AF and watched when my triggers got going. Actually...most of what you're questioning I could only answer for myself after a good chunk of time completely sober - and I'm sure I'm still learning and sorting it out. I don't think listing things out like that would have actually helped me unless I was also quitting at the same time. It just would have been one more excuse to put off actually *doing* anything and made me find ways to justify myself even more.

I'm on another advice board - mostly dating/self help. And I can understand the old-timer's being tired because I've been through it myself. The person who NEVER approaches people and complains that they can't make new friends or get dates. The guy who is so convinced women only like tall men that he gets in his own way and denies that some women really do like him. We try to offer suggestions and basically the answer we get back is, "I want to make a change in my life, but I don't actually want to try changing anything." And...that's not how it works. If you keep doing the same things, you keep getting the same results. It's the simplest concept while sometimes being the hardest to act on.

I also can see the worry about affecting newcomers. We also have that in my other forum. It's hard when you're telling someone "Really hon, try getting out there and meeting people and it'll be ok. It'll be hard, but it'll be ok." while at the same time telling someone else "Oh don't worry, just keep staying at home." It doesn't work and it makes it seem like we're giving conflicting advice. When your best advice is "change something" you run out of other things to say and still be honest. It's not that you don't care about the other person or sympathize; but you run out of useful things to say. And sometimes folks coming in think "Hey, maybe that person has a point; maybe some of us really ARE lost causes and shouldn't even try."

When in doubt I always defer to the old timer's though. They have seen this so many times, they are here in the Nest because they've gotten more perspective and *want* to share that with newcomers and help us out. Honestly, I don't think I've heard something yet from one of them that didn't help me in some way even if at the time I disagreed. My logic has been to try the advice for a while, and if it helps keep doing that. Most of my "reasons" for drinking really were excuses...but I literally did not SEE that until I took time AF.

I know that got long, I just had a lot of thoughts about what you've been writing here. It does sound to me like maybe you've had some a-ha moments but are still getting in your own way of doing something about it. Mostly because you sound like me a few years back when I "kinda quit" but not really. I can analyze my way into or out of anything...but the funny thing is even THAT has gotten better the longer I'm sober. My thoughts are more clear and less in conflict with each other even though I was *positive* that was just part of my own clinical issues. I'm not making that up, my thoughts are literally more clear and not nearly so much arguing with myself despite also having clinical stuff that started before I was drinking heavily at all. I still have work to do and no, it's *not* been easy nor will it be. But I know I wouldn't even have a chance unless I'd actually gone AF.

Good thoughts your way and I hope I'm not coming off as a know-it-all when I'm still early into my own quit. Old timers feel free to smack me in PM if you ever think I'm babbling on about things that I really don't even know enough to talk about yet!

[roxane]

Newbies Nest

no 'smack' pm needed for that post lavb, good post. the clarity of thought that can come from being af is only appreciated........well, once youre sober :H

[Pie]

Newbies Nest

Dear Prize Patrol, I'd have thanked you sooner but...

my Antabuse is working and doing a number on me. No, I didn't drink! But I did attend yoga this morning, and noticed an odd smell. The connected space two doors down was painted over the weekend, and breathing in those fumes during the hour-long class has caused me an AB reaction. I've been in bed for hours with nausea and a headache from Hades, that's now slowly starting to subside.

Note to self and unwary others: Avoid paint fumes while on Antabuse. Think I'll go make a PSA on the AB thread for non-nesters to see. Ugh.

Pie

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Oh Pie, I feel for you.....hope you feel better soon!

[paulywogg]

Newbies Nest

I don't post here often,but i've been reading Sarah's post for a few months now,and i think,either you get it together and do 1 month,or you just go do your own thing,i'd be confused as heck if i was a newbie and hear about you drinking as you post,obvious

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Over the years I have been here there have been various people come to the Newbies.....sometimes there are periods of group success and and times when no-one appears to be getting a grip. I believe the mood of the nest, or any group, is contagious.
At those times when I felt really weak and there were people breaking their quits after a few days I needed to walk away for my own sake.
There have also been times when the nest is in success mode, that I wasn't and therefore felt I needed to back away for the sake of other Newbies...I did not want to affect them.
On those occasions, sometimes I fell away and feel that would have happened because of me getting in my own way anyway.
There were other ways of getting support, which I got. I have reached out to other MWO members who have silently given me their time and patience via pm. When I did slip away there were countless members who would reach out to me first....I got it both ways.
Sarah, I hope this helps you understand a little of how I see it. You are not being refused support .....that will never disappear on this site....

[paulywogg]

Newbies Nest

Daisy,you put it better than i did,there has been times where i just could not come to the n.n,just because of the relapse/still drinkning posts

[blackflag]

Newbies Nest

Evening everyone, just a quick check in before bed.
I've been getting a little stir crazy tonight as all my friends including my housemates went to the pub for the quiz, but I didn't feel like I'd cope well being in there so I gave it a miss. I've had a read around on here instead, but I definitely need to find something fun to do for this sort of occasion!
Cowboy, I like the idea of something you have to remind you of the 24 hours, I've been thinking of getting something similar, but I can't decide what.

B.F.

[Guitarista]

Newbies Nest

blackflag;1703449 wrote: Evening everyone, just a quick check in before bed.
I've been getting a little stir crazy tonight as all my friends including my housemates went to the pub for the quiz, but I didn't feel like I'd cope well being in there so I gave it a miss. I've had a read around on here instead, but I definitely need to find something fun to do for this sort of occasion!
Cowboy, I like the idea of something you have to remind you of the 24 hours, I've been thinking of getting something similar, but I can't decide what.

B.F.

Hey Black flag. What about a metal guitar pick with a hole drilled in it attached to your key ring. A reminder of how important music is in your life, and what a life saver it can be. Well, it is for me. It's a path with no limits. Might do this myself, maybe with a little engraved message..........Just a thought that came to mind. Take care, and good work avoiding a potentially risky situation.

G