Newbies Nest

[Rivergal]

Newbies Nest

Hey Byrd!!!! We finally made it. Restless day. Mouth watered at the site of Stella bottles I noticed on the curb in a recycle bin as my hubby & I were walking in gorgeous Bermuda! I started to cry and ,of course, DH became concerned. I admitted to him what happened. He gave me a huge hug and said, " don't feel ashamed, Annie. You are getting better everyday & I am so proud of you and so very much in love with everything about you." God, I am so blessed to have his support. He doesn't drink which helps. Kensho, i am so proud of you... I might buckle if I had family "encouraging" me to drink. Obviously, they don't understand how serious this disease is to us. Peace & thanks to everyone for your honest posts.

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

What a breakthru, Rivergal! Getting our spouses on board is important. People just try to make us feel better by telling us we weren't that bad. They dont realize what effect that has on us. Only WE know ALCO HELL. I tell you, if you visit Bermuda again next year, I guarantee you will be more than able to pass by them, and thank your lucky stars you didnt put them there! The gift of time will build up that immunity you might be lacking now. Push thru those feelings of deprivation and thank the lord above you are breaking free of the pull! Every day you spend AF builds your antibodies! So happy for you! Byrdie

[Matt M.]

Newbies Nest

I don't have a comment or like button. And now it won't show my pic! Or smiley faces
Deep breaths, in through the nose it through the mouth....

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Great to see everyone back again
I guess we need a bit of patience until all the kinks are worked out on the forum. Gratitude to have a forum at all is a big one for me

Kensho, glad things are settling down for you a bit. I hope you enjoy your birthday but please remember, you don't have to drink. If you do it's going to be even harder to get back on your plan. Keep your AF stretch going, AL doesn't have to be present!

Matt, stay cool - everything is going to be OK!

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Hello, friends - just seeing if I can post now finally, or maybe I'm still the last one stranded. We'll see. Ready, set, .......

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

Oh my - it worked!

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

Glad you made it back to the nest, Peppersnow! I hope all the missing fledglings return soon . It's just too easy to drink out there without a check in here!

[Pavati]

Newbies Nest

Good night everyone.

My, am I in a grumpy mood today. I think I need sleep. I'll find gratitude in the fact that if I were in this mood and drinking, I would have much less patience and would have snapped at my kids a lot more. As it is, we got the science project done, I cleaned the kitchen, and no one cried. All in all a good, grumpy evening.

Pav

PS - So happy to see you all back from the island! We missed you!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Hi everyone. I heard what you said LAV. And the damned voice is still talking.

Maybe it's my mother in-law who said she has had drinking habits like mine, or the hair stylist whom I respect tremendously for her healthy habits who said "yah, sometimes I stop for a month or two also - a buzz after one is nice after a break, since I could knock back a bottle in a night if I wanted to." Maybe its that it's my birthday - the ultimate self-reward time. Maybe it's that my husband confessed that he would love if I could drink with him - and I?m trying to mend our distance. Maybe it's the success I've had in stringing up a few days.

Whatever the reasons, I have allowed myself to have hope that I can be a once-in-awhile drinker. The internal battle has begun. ?One glass of white with oysters at birthday dinner? Why not? If you could make it to 44 days, you can do it again.?

One thing is very clear to me: I never want to go back to drinking like I was. EVER. It wasn't necessarily the quantity that bothered me, but that I needed it. I loved it - and I loved it more than my family and more than my health. I woke up ashamed and was unable to say ?no? for even one night - it was torturous to have just one. It took so much of my time - so much thinking. But the voice is saying "you don't have to go back to THAT, just enjoy one night and then quit for 30 more days.?

Then it says ?Or maybe quit for a week. Only drink on weekends. Wait - is that one weekend night or three? There are technically 3 nights that make up a weekend if you look at it right.? I guess I see where this is going. That I bargain and didn?t like having just one should tell me all I need to know.

I have no doubt (should I?) that I could decide to have one drink and then continue where I left off. But if this inner bickering is already happening, is it worth that? It is the part I hated most about my drinking... that I wanted AL so much that I couldn't keep deals with myself. I told myself I wanted to do one thing and then did another - always longing for more and attempting to moderate. I like to tell myself I didn?t really try to moderate, but the truth is that I did. For a long time. I would wake up and say, OK, not tonight - but I always did. I would say - only one - no two?After two, the three and sometimes four were inevitable.

It?s been a tremendously stressful week. I think I need to pull out all the ?tools? - the distraction, the exercise, the ?only for today?. Maybe look forward to a virgin dacqueri. (how the hell do you spell that and why doesn?t my new iMac auto correct it?) Anyway, I?m bummed that I am back at this.

Thank you so, SO much for being ears to my struggle. I think I need some help here. I don?t know what it is about this time - but I?m actually considering.

[available]

Newbies Nest

Kensho you are on a drinking site for a reason and the reason is your drinking was out of control and you could not get it under control. What makes you think that you are strong enough to have the occasional drink if you could not do it before. Is it because of those 44 days? 44 days is fantastic but you are in early recovery and you still have a long way to go. If i want a drink now i remember what i was like drinking and i didnt like myself or my life. We find a hard time accepting "never" in the equation of being sober. Look at what you will lose and gain by drinking. I cant think of any gains in drinking, i know i wont be in control, al will be again. Do you honestly think you can have a couple of wines and be "normal". Al can see you are weak and vulnerable and is putting those thoughts into your head and hoping against hope that you have that one wine, that al will win again and you will lose. Of course you can have that one, there is no one stopping you BUT if you think that wont lead to more then read the relapse thread, read how the ones that relapse wish to god that they had never had that first glass again so the battle with the bottle started.

My son recently had his 21st birthday and i used to be so in my element drinking with the childrens friends, loved it. I was told by his friends that surely i could have a "shot" it was tyes birthday, just one i would be fine. I was so farking tempted, why not, just one, wont tell my support on here, i will b fine, ive done 8 months. I could have hidden al, no one would have known, i so could have drank, it killed me just thinking about it BUT i knew deep down in my heart and soul that having that first drink would be my very biggest mistake in this journey. I was so mad and cranky and hated this site, hated my support network, hated myself that i was like this, that i could not wake up in the morning and not drink for days and weeks. I was so sad. I was even madder that a couple of people on here drank that weekend. WTF, I should have, others did. At the end of these thoughts i logged on here and read and cried. Cried for what? For everything that i had now and for what i could have lost all for one or more drinks. Al did not win that night and i hope it never ever does.

Ultimately it is only your choice Kensho to drink and i hope that you make the right one, i know i did that night. The truth is i am accountable to a lot of people here, a lot of people have been here for me and with me on this journey. A lot of time and effort has gone into being and keeping sober. I could not let my support network down for a few drinks and to wake up with regret the next day. I also would not have come back here and i have met some wonderful wonderful people here that i cant and wont let down.

[NoSugar]

Newbies Nest

I think you should doubt you can moderate, Kensho. You did that experiment after a number of AF days a couple months ago, I think. Maybe the stories of people who tried it will help convince you: https://www.mywayout.org/community/fo...-in-retrospect.

It's great that you put this out here now instead of having to come back some time in the future to start over again. All the best -NS

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good morning everyone & happy Friday

Kensho, when I quit I decided this was going to THE quit, the last one, forever & ever. I made that decision primarily because I was sick & tired of disappointing myself. I wanted to like myself again & be rid of the shame & guilt once & for all. Every time the automatic voice spoke up I knocked it back quickly with my mantra - 'No, I don't drink anymore'! I just kept doing that over & over until the voice gave up & went away. It all comes down to your making the choice - drink or don't drink I would protect your quit if I were in your shoes because birthdays can certainly be celebrated without AL

Hello to everyone & wishing a great AF day for all!

Lav

[Guitarista]

Newbies Nest

Yo Nester's near and not so far.

Hey Kensho,

Some of my friends say to me they sometimes feel like they'd like to drink all day, and now and then polish off a lot of booze in a session, and they assume they are like me/us. No, they are not. There is a distinct difference between my friends, your hairdresser, other family members drinking habits. The difference is this......We do not have an off switch. Our chemical make up is different to theirs as far as booze goes. They think they are big drinkers, but they know when to stop, and i don't care when i stop. They still have some kind of responsibility/self regulation meter still intact when they drink, evn if they don't know it. Ours, or at least mine, is blown, destroyed. I can exercise controlled drinking for awhile, maybe a few weeks, a couple of months, but i am back to where i started soon enough, and there is nothing safe about that journey.

If you want to drink again, why not wait for a while like a normal drinker. What would your mind/body say to you if you said....'let's wait for awhile, not this weekend' If you feel discomfort or a battle, this is not what a normal drinker feels, and is an indication that a serious problem still remains. Why not wait another year? What's the rush? What does your mind/body say to that concept? Maybe strip this back to basics. Maybe write down or pull out an old post or list of why you stopped drinking, and want to stay stopped. A cost/benefit analysis. What are the pros and cons of you boozing? Why did you stop? Take care friend.

Wishing all a safe, sober, and magical weekend.

Passing the extra strength butt velcro to the...........................right. G.

[See the Light]

Newbies Nest

Amen to that G. .. Great post.

GMAE everyone else. Stay strong out there

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Morning, Nesters!
Kensho, some very powerful responses to your situation. I agree with each of them 1000%....why? Because we have all tried what you are considering....just the one...occasionally. Special Occasions or Saturdays ONLY. I'll just take a break from this sober journey and pick it back up. Every single one of us tried this and failed....including YOU. I still have the PM that you sent me when you left the first time...you were going to try moderation! No one could talk you out of it then. Ava is so right, you are on an Alkie site for a reason....you have a serious problem with Alcohol. We all do.
You are in the BARGAINING stage of grief! This is where we lose a lot of people, too. That voice comes back and says, I didn't drink nearly as much as THESE people did, or I didn't get DRUNK every night like some do, or I was STILL able to do my job at home and work with no problem. Well if it were NO PROBLEM you wouldn't have sought out, joined, and participated in a forum for AL abuse. Instead of looking at the misty watercolor memories of the way we were, let's look at the facts! (they don't lie, our memories about AL do).

When you arrived, AL was such a problem that you wrote poetry about its devastating effects on your life.
Quitting has been a bigger deal than you ever imagined. In fact, it has been HARD to do.
You tried to moderate and eventually went right back to previous amounts.
Now that you have 44 days and feeling good and in control, you are considering throwing it all away for the sake of having a drink.
AL'ism is progressive....if you 'weren't that bad' before, give it a year or two.
No one can moderate. No one. Addiction takes no vacations for good behavior, it is a lifelong party and we got invitations.
Your life is 1000 times better without AL than it is with it. We do not need AL to live.
The fact that you want it so bad should be a huge RED FLAG as to why you should never consume it again.
Many who fall are never able to restart. They fight it the rest of their lives. You have an opportunity to make AL 'just a thing'. You are on your way to indifference towards it...giving in to it now will make it even MORE powerful than it was. This is basic positive reinforcement from the days of Pavlov's Dog research.
I have never seen a force more powerful than addiction. I thought LOVE was more powerful, but it may come a close second. Never underestimate the power of addiction.

Don't let hard headed denial and bargaining derail you on this journey. If I had only listened to the people that came before me, I could have saved myself a lot of awful things, but I was addicted to this stuff and couldn't hear anything but the call. Don't be a statistic. Stay the course and you will find that life without AL and without the PULL of AL is wonderful! You must break free of it tho, don't look back, it's like quicksand, once it gets hold, it will pull you under and consume you. There are PLENTY of stories on this site of people in the very same boat as yours.... We are NOT unique with our birthdays and work stress and so forth, all of our bodies are human and they all react the same way to AL. Look at some of those documentaries about addiction and disease, you can't undo it.

Best course of action is to get those thoughts OUT and move forward!!! There is NO future in drinking AL. XXOO, Byrdie

Edit to add: Re: your MIL and hairdresser....misery loves company. It really loves miserable company. If they can't do it, they don't want to see you do it (even if they love you, it's the way we humans roll). Back when I was trying to quit, I took solace in others falling, too, in fact I joined threads with chronic relapsers so I wouldn't feel out of place. Then I parked myself in the nest and finally DID IT.