Newbies Nest

[Resolve]

Hello all. I'm very humbled and want to thank you very much for all of your comments, thoughts and insight. There's still a very surreal aspect right now to seeing these words directed at me, at my self-inflicted mess. Too many comments to list but NS, Matt, Byrd, STL, Ava, Eloise and everyone, I appreciate all of your words and they are resonating. I've had to swallow hard at reading some comments and even walk away, and I need that.

When I posted yesterday I was, and still am, about as low as I could possibly go. It doesn't help to not sleep much or eat much, and it will be a long time tunneling out. But...this is a start and I know coming here is cathartic and a community built on empathy and mutual support. I hate that I took one shitty day out of being on a good strong path and that it has had such terrible consequences in my life. I am full of regret and quite frankly exhausted at the mental aspect of this right now but my man-up tour is just commencing.

Last night was as hard as I expected and deserved. The tension in my home is palpable and I did my best to begin to address my actions. Unfortunately my son didn't want to speak to me. My wife discussed the truth with him and my oldest daughter before I got home, which I knew ahead of time (at least the talk with him). I told her I just wanted to speak to him too in private but he had practice and didn't want to have the talk. And he was uptight knowing he was going into the locker room with his teammates who knew that he had the loser asshole dad. After he spent the night at a friend's house since no school today so I didn't see him. I texted that I know this is hard, that I'm sorry, love him and will discuss tonight. He responded, "it's fine Dad." It's not.

So I did talk with my 16 year old daughter, the one that just got her license on Friday. Wow, could my timing for an impressionable new young driver who you want to instill with good judgment, good decisions and safety be any worse? I discussed everything and said to please know that I made terrible choices, terrible decisions and she should learn from me. As a parent I want to have teaching moments, just not myself as the example of what not to be and not to do. Very difficult conversation, especially when she couldn't even look at me.

My wife didn't want to talk but I needed her to hear me. I acknowledged the most massive of fuck ups imaginable and how incredibly sorry I am that I did this. Not to me but our son, our family and her. I don't know that we will survive as a couple because sometimes damage is irreparable. We are probably there and in separate rooms now so time will tell. What kills me is the trust I've essentially shattered and will have to rebuild over time with all of them. I vowed that I will and I will. What is most important is the dad, husband and person that emerges from this journey.

So here I am in the depths of my trough. There is only one way up and out and I'm climbing. I can say that with absolute certainty though that I will not drink or ever put anyone in this situation again. As I told my wife, I know that my words are empty without any actions, and only time can be the test of that.

If anything comes of my posting, it's how in one day you can throw away so much for so little. Here's to hope.

Note to future self: I will be positive on this forum and help contribute to others. Just not there yet!

[See the Light]

Resolve- Great for checking back and sorry it is so hard right now…too many of us know that feeling, which is why reading here can help make the healing process a little smoother. My wife doesn’t drink so never really understood why I “couldn’t just stop”. She may never understand, and I am ok with that as maybe she doesn’t really need to. Your wife may never understand, but what she wants more than understanding probably is trust..trust that you won’t take the issue you have and ruin your and your family’s life. Even more importantly, though, is that your kids DO understand there seriousness of the problem, because they are very impressionable. Maybe the only worse feeling than the one you have right now would watching your kids do the SAME thing in a few years…and then blame you for it (you really don’t want that to happen)…I live generations of that in my family, so the buck has to stop somewhere…so it stops with you. They may never forget the things they have seen you do so far, but if you control this for good now, the last impression you will have on them is as one of a hero who conquered a battle, not as a drunk dad a hockey game (or any other event). Don’t expect this to be easy with your family, friends or yourself (because it’s not) but it is possible and dammit it is worth it…what do you have to lose, except everything. You are in a dark place now, so moving back to the light is the only way to go…hang in there, read some ideas from this site and take whatever action is needed to save yourself from this poison. Best wishes…

[NoSugar]

Your 2 well-thought-out, honest, and straightforward posts already have helped many people at various stages of this process, Resolve. Your calm tone somehow makes the depth of your despair clearer. I honestly don't know how someone who hasn't yet made the choice to quit could read your words and not be more closely drawn to choosing the freedom that giving up alcohol brings. To not do so risks the pain you are so eloquently describing. I look forward to reading the inspiring posts you will be writing in the future about the amazing changes in your life that come from not drinking again and showing the people you love that they can truly trust you.

All the best, NS

[Byrdlady]

I'm about to begin the FLUSH! UGG....I am so hungry!!!

Resolve, so good to hear from you....I've had you on my mind all day. This is a process, I'm so glad you are committed to the task, that is MOST of the battle right there!

Hugs to all as I'm hugging the toilet! B

[available]

Byrd happy and safe testing today. Im not saying anything else but i am thinking of you.

[j-vo]

Alcohol IS THE PROBLEM. Always. And as I was thinking today, Alcohol is bigger and stronger than I am and will destroy me. EVERY TIME. We can't compete, and once we think we can, once we think we're fixed, and we get into the ring once more, we realize we can't fight this monster and we throw in the towel when we're about to take our last breath. How many times do we have to let Al beat the shit out of us? How many punches does he have to throw, how many broken bones or concussions will it take? Our ONLY defense is to turn and walk away from it, walk and keep walking. Don't look back. Don't fight back. Just walk.

Resolve, yes, that's how bad it is. In one day, in a split second, everything can be ruined from al. But as you are at one of the lowest points in your life right now, this is the worst it EVER has to be for you. You can start rebuilding yourself, your life. Yes, it takes actions, not words. And as your family loves you, you will make it. One day at a time. I've felt the pull of my son away from me many times, my husband, and it hurts like hell. We're with you on this journey.

Byrd, I imagine you're not pooping byrdy turds by now...I bet you're reading MWO while you're on the toilet! Hang in there, dear.

[Byrdlady]

J-vo, you know me like a book!
What a wonderful post!
I am wiped out (literally). Xo, B

[Matt M.]

Some powerful stuff in here, SO therapeutic in this battle with Al!

Resolve~ Glad you checked in, like the Byrdlady, I too thought of you today.
NSugar said it best, you have a great gift in articulation,


A few things, one thing particular, you said~
Note to future self: I will be positive on this forum and help contribute to others. Just not there yet!
Understand this my friend, you have already contributed more than you can imagine. Your story gut punch me, it resonated deep, because it hit real close to home.
Something STL posted that I thought was awesome!
. They may never forget the things they have seen you do so far, but if you control this for good now, the last impression you will have on them is as one of a hero who conquered a battle, not as a drunk dad a hockey game (or any other event).

This is fucking huge! Some may disagree with me( they shouldn't, I'm always right ;-) jk) I believe Alcoholism is a disease, take a Diabetic for instance, their blood sugar gets low, the brain can't function properly, result is they can and will do some crazy shit, I see it all the time. These diabetics get sugar via IV and all is better. The family rallies around them with love and support.
In saying that I'm not blaming others for my alcohol issues, yet Alcohol is acceptable in our culture, and if you can't control it due to alcoholism, then you are labeled as weak, piece of shit, good for nothing,etc...Hopefully your children and family will accept some education on this. This is a slippery slope, one can't cling to the disease theory, then use it as an out, time and time again. Tough situation, for us Alkys. ACTION is your friend

J~VO great post! Your definitely born again hard! ;-)

Byrd hope all is well sorry your feeling crappy, that's really the shits....(Ok I'm not going to lie, that was funny)
Matt OUT!

[daisy45]

Very late here.....exhausted after another day of de-micing. Caught another one in my kitchen cupboard today.
Cleaning and blocking holes all day.
Thought we were clear and then heard scratching in my living room. Set trap over an hour ago. In bed and cannot sleep in case one in my room. Found mouse dung but not sure if it was today or when mouse no1 was in my room.
Really getting to me now....so tired and want to sleep but lying listening to every noise.

[Lavande]

Just sitting here watching election results on TV - glad I got out to vote today

Resolve, once again & welcome!
Your family will settle & down & begin the healing/forgiving process but like everything, it takes time. Keep yourself focused, stay on plan & everything will be OK.

Byrdie, thinking of you & I hope everything goes well for you!

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!

Lav

[NoSugar]

Some may disagree with me( they shouldn't, I'm always right ;-) jk) I believe Alcoholism is a disease, take a Diabetic for instance, their blood sugar gets low, the brain can't function properly, result is they can and will do some crazy shit, I see it all the time. These diabetics get sugar via IV and all is better. The family rallies around them with love and support.
In saying that I'm not blaming others for my alcohol issues, yet Alcohol is acceptable in our culture, and if you can't control it due to alcoholism, then you are labeled as weak, piece of shit, good for nothing,etc...Hopefully your children and family will accept some education on this. This is a slippery slope, one can't cling to the disease theory, then use it as an out, time and time again. Tough situation, for us Alkys. ACTION is your friend

Many learned people agree with you, Matt. This is from http://addictionandrecoverynews.wordpress.com/:

Health organizations that call addiction a disease or illness: American Society of Addiction Medicine American Medical Association American Psychiatric Association American Hospital Association American Public Health Association National Association of Social Workers American College of Physicians National Institute of Health National Alliance on Mental Illness World Health Organization
Health organizations that dispute the dispute the disease model: I can’t find any. If you have some that are similar in stature to those above, send them to me.

And like many diseases, there are physical (biochemical), psychological (emotional), and behavioral components. I think trouble starts for this and other conditions when we don't look at the whole person - our minds and bodies interact and affect one another, making us One.

[Mr. B]

Awesome post Byrd lady, that's a fact.other good stuff as well. I no when I stopped drinking life changed for the better . Although I still had other issues. I am currently working on. Having rough week my old man is ill. Just found out his got sir oases of liver and kidneys aren't working.Please pray for pops. Good nite all

[narilly]

Matt, that was a great post. Resolve, I thought about you today too. I guess it's time to move forward and heal. Don't drink today or tomorrow. One day at a time, we will get there. I am sorry for what you went through. F'n Alcohol, really, I don't know how it is legal.

Byrdie, hope you get back to normal soon. At least you will be done, right?

Great post J-Vo.
Daisy, we used to have mice, they are really a pain in the butt.

Anyway, good night everyone.

[narilly]

Sorry about your dad Mr B. Hang in there.

[See the Light]

Awesome post Byrd lady, that's a fact.other good stuff as well. I no when I stopped drinking life changed for the better . Although I still had other issues. I am currently working on. Having rough week my old man is ill. Just found out his got sir oases of liver and kidneys aren't working.Please pray for pops. Good nite all

Yes, prayers out to Pops Mr. B. ...hopefully he gets better soon