Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

You need to quit drinking just once more than you give up a day one. But like everything else, the more often we do something, the easier it gets - including not protecting our quits. We stop trusting ourselves and start going through the motions of quitting. It doesn't work. Posting on roll call is a useful tool, but it's not enough for most people.

Each time you try, make a change that you truly believe will make a difference and then do everything in your power to make it come true. For me, that was joining MWO. In my addled state, I saw it as my last chance. It didn't even occur to me that I could drink again and actually stay here. I believed I had to stop, so I did. It was simple - but not easy, as the saying goes. Like Ava, I was on here constantly, pouring out my shame and grief. That embarrassed the buttoned-up me but it's amazing what you can do if you think you've run out of options.

If you're reading this, you're not out of options yet but the situation can change in a flash - ask Resolve, or STL, or Byrdie, or any number of people here who had experiences that apparently gave them no other choice.

The toolbox and other threads are full of good ideas. Don't waste your time or take the risk of putting off your last day one trying to reinvent the wheel. Make a simple, direct plan for not drinking and then do all things necessary to make it happen. I believe you can do it. NS

[MossRose]

STL - I totally understand what you are saying. It is definitely preferable to make the first quit, your last quit. That is certainly the ideal. I can attest to the fact that each one gets tougher. However I think that Byrdie is just making the point that for some of us, it wasn't a straight line. We fell down over and over, but we kept getting up, coming back and giving it another shot. And even when we did give up on ourselves, there was always some kind soul here that just wouldn't hear of it. I know I have a couple of MWO angels who have had my back from the beginning. They made me value my life, even when I didn't.

Yes, many walk away. I've seen it happen several times since I joined MWO. And you are probably correct about the statistics. But I am only concerned with that one person who finally makes it to the other side, no matter how many tries it takes. I was a hard case. Like Byrdie, my first year was full of Day 1s. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. I may not have hit total rock bottom, but I sure came close. I lost almost everything I held dear due to drinking. I will spare you the boring details, but by the time I limped into MWO, my life was in a shambles. I don't know your story, but I have a feeling that you understand.

I'm not trying to be contrary here. I don't believe that Day 1s should be routine, or as Kensho so aptly put it, nonchalantly accepted as the norm. I agree completely that having a plan makes all the difference. But I do think that today is a good day to quit. Period. And if that doesn't take - tomorrow is a good day to quit, and so on, until it sticks.

Have a safe, sober weekend everyone.

[See the Light]

Why we are here... I agree, there is no bad day to quit, unless you don't 100% think you can. Not that you "will" ...but you know you will do someting DIFFERENT this time that caused you to make a change ..I pray for all of you it is not rock bottom. Stats says many of us of even who try so hard won't even make it..I just hope that all those struggling know this is priority 1 ..it will save our life...but not just saying it...but doing it..I'm with you...I want to survive this too

[Pinecone]

The toolbox and other threads are full of good ideas. Don't waste your time or take the risk of putting off your last day one trying to reinvent the wheel. Make a simple, direct plan for not drinking and then do all things necessary to make it happen. I believe you can do it. NS

I couldn't agree more. The perfect is the enemy of the good. The basics of quitting are straightforward enough. Daisy, is it possible that the same thing that is holding you back from making a commitment is the same thing that makes you want towait until you are truly ready? Thinking of you and sending you support!

[available]

There was never a good day for me to quit, everyday i woke up saying i would and every afternoon i drank. When i stopped i didnt think i could stop drinking and i didnt think i would stop drinking but i have. The majority of people that come to mwo desperately want to give up drinking but that fear of failure stops so many. We all feel like failures having gotten ourselves into this position and if any of you thought like me initially, then it was "how hard can this be", if others on here are doing it then so can i. No one told me how hard giving up could be and even now no one say says how hard it can still be.

I had day 1's every day for years, the day started off well and finished in a bottle with the thoughts that i will try again tomorrow but tomorrow never came for 3 long years. Us alkies know what al will do to us yet we keep doing it day in and day out until that "switch" switches. Giving up al has been one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life, raising 4 children was a piece of cake compared to stopping al. There is no easy route to being af, its a long hard road that many find too difficult as they cant see the light at the end of the tunnel is so bright and welcoming and so they fall back into drinking as its easier to deal with. I have nearly done this during my journey but my choice was to keep going and see if it was all that others said and it is. I do know that i will never be free of al addiction and that one false move will take me back to a day 1.

[MossRose]

Ava - you said it perfectly. I couldn't think of the right words. Yes, finally one day, after all the Day 1s, the "switch" switches. But I'm with you - always will be cautious of that one false move. xx

[Pavati]

Hi,

Great discussion today.

In my opinion, stopping and starting like that can mean living in denial. I should know - I did it long enough.
-- Sunday - FFS, I'm hungover, I'm quitting for a week. But I'll have just a little to help me sleep.
-- Mon - I hate Mondays. I deserve a drink.
-- Tues. - I'll moderate. That will be good enough. I deserve an extra pour with the day I had.
-- Wed. - There was a lot of traffic. I am stressed out. I need a strong one or five tonight.
-- Thurs. -- Almost the weekend, I'll start Monday.
-- Fri/ Sat - guilt, shame, hangover, tired, blah blah
-- Sun -- Rinse, repeat.

I never actually had any day 1s because I was in denial over the fact that I needed to quit. Even when I first joined it was with the intention of stopping for 90 days so I could get normal and then be a moderate drinker. I think I was here for three weeks before there was a concert that I couldn't possibly attend sober. Took another couple of weeks of quiet desperation (I hear you about not drinking more than when trying to moderate, Byrdie) until the Thanksgiving Massacre, and I was back with my tail between my legs - with my first full day sober being Dec. 2.

Only then did I look myself in the face and accept the fact that I was an alcoholic and could never drink again. Once you have come here, Googled "Am I an alcoholic," read and understood what people are saying, chances are it is too late for you to be a moderate drinker. There is actually some evidence that if you catch an escalation of drinking soon enough you can be a "normal" drinker again, but once you have come this far, my guess is you are beyond that.

It is SO SCARY and SO LONELY to be facing that truth. I remember standing in the shower and writing in the steam "I am an alcoholic" because I could never say it or write it where someone might actually see it. I can't drink. Too bad, so sad. Now, how do I arrange my life so that I WON'T drink? It seemed unbelievable what these long timers were saying about staying sober - but once I accepted the fact that I am an alcoholic, that actually took the choice of drinking off the table - and I just imitated everyone here. Feeling deprived? Think of things to be grateful for. Stressed? Take a walk, meditate. Need a diversion? Read a blog, the tool box, listen to the Bubble Hour. Feel like drinking? Eat, post, talk to a counselor. Some days (maybe I was in a mood) the advice sounded like pure and utter BS coming from some holier than thou person who couldn’t possibly know my struggles, but still I listened and followed.

Remaining in denial means that you will continue to give yourself an excuse to drink. There will always be a reason. Being in denial does not make you a bad person, and I reckon that since it is a stage of alcoholism we have all been there, done that. Learning about denial (by lurking here and clicking all of those links people share), helped me overcome it, and finally accept that I can't drink. Searching for an excuse, waiting for the perfect day, blaming a stressful job – all of which I have done – are all forms of denial. Once you get around to accepting what is, you can look forward and begin living what will become, I assure you, a better, more truthful life.

It boils down to this – take care of yourselves and don’t drink, NO MATTER WHAT. (We’re here for you if you do, but don’t.)

I just got a call from my son for a ride home. Thankfully I am sober and can do it just like that.

Pav

[Eloise]

Good morning guys - so true about moderating Brydie.
Last night my friend said 'you could have wine occassionally, no harm done.'
I didnt want to get all crazy on her so said 'yes, I could but I do t want to. There is no benefit and I do better without it.'
This is a real challenge to explain yourself to people who dont have this problem.
I think meeting for coffee or lunch is better for now.
I had a nice evening and it really did me good to get out of the house evening.

[daisy45]

Dare I say we are mice-free?! Had the man from environmental health out to check over my house....very helpful. Pointed out a couple of potential enries outside which we covered and also an entry behind my dishwasher.....I have still got traps set and do my twice daily torch-run...just in case.
So back to my own bed...getting back to nomal will help. I am heading out on my supplement/vitamin shop soon. Thanks for that link NoSugar.
Also going out to a Strictly Come Dancing show tonight. They are having pre-drinks at 5.30 which I will be avoiding. Going to offer myself up as driver.

[Rusty]

Hello Nesters, I am not on MWO much but I thought I would pop on here and say the wisdom of the sober people here is invaluable to people who are struggling. I have been sober for over two years now and I can tell you that being sober is wayyy better than drinking! Like so many people, I never thought I could quit, but I did, and if I can do it, ANYBODY can!!

Mossy, congratulations on your promotion!! I am so proud and happy for you. You have earned it and I know the hours you put in, so I am glad your efforts were recognized. I sent you a PM yesterday....so sorry I didn't see your PM sooner.
:-(

Byrdie, thank you for "liking" my post. I am still learning how to navigate the new MWO so my
Apologies for not seeing it sooner than a minute ago.

Hugs,

Rusty in Wisconsin.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & happy Saturday to all!

Cold & sunny here this morning
Nice to see you Rusty!

Daisy, I'm glad to hear you are mouse free, I know how unsettling it is to deal with the little buggers.
I hope you enjoy your evening out, go prepared with your commitment to an AF life.

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Saturday!

Lav

[NoSugar]

...Only then did I look myself in the face and accept the fact that I was an alcoholic and could never drink again. Once you have come here, Googled "Am I an alcoholic," read and understood what people are saying, chances are it is too late for you to be a moderate drinker. There is actually some evidence that if you catch an escalation of drinking soon enough you can be a "normal" drinker again, but once you have come this far, my guess is you are beyond that.

It is SO SCARY and SO LONELY to be facing that truth. I remember standing in the shower and writing in the steam "I am an alcoholic" because I could never say it or write it where someone might actually see it. I can't drink. Too bad, so sad. Now, how do I arrange my life so that I WON'T drink? It seemed unbelievable what these long timers were saying about staying sober - but once I accepted the fact that I am an alcoholic, that actually took the choice of drinking off the table - and I just imitated everyone here. Feeling deprived? Think of things to be grateful for. Stressed? Take a walk, meditate. Need a diversion? Read a blog, the tool box, listen to the Bubble Hour. Feel like drinking? Eat, post, talk to a counselor. Some days (maybe I was in a mood) the advice sounded like pure and utter BS coming from some holier than thou person who couldn’t possibly know my struggles, but still I listened and followed.

Remaining in denial means that you will continue to give yourself an excuse to drink. There will always be a reason. Being in denial does not make you a bad person, and I reckon that since it is a stage of alcoholism we have all been there, done that. Learning about denial (by lurking here and clicking all of those links people share), helped me overcome it, and finally accept that I can't drink. Searching for an excuse, waiting for the perfect day, blaming a stressful job – all of which I have done – are all forms of denial. Once you get around to accepting what is, you can look forward and begin living what will become, I assure you, a better, more truthful life.

It boils down to this – take care of yourselves and don’t drink, NO MATTER WHAT. (We’re here for you if you do, but don’t.)

Thanks for this post, Pav. It might be hard to top it when you write your 1-year speech. It would be a great contribution to the toolbox, I think.

[j-vo]

Morning Nesters,
Lots of good reading here. The collective experience, guidance, and honesty is invaluable. Thank you. I want what you have for sure. I hope I can get there. I tend to believe I'm weaker, that I can't do what you did. But it's not that. That's just another excuse.

Moss, congrats on your promotion. You're in such a great place and I"m happy for you.

Going shopping with MIL today. A good diversion for my low moods. I get to spend her money and decorate her house. Not a bad deal.

So many of these posts should be placed in the toolbox. Good stuff. Thank you.

[NoSugar]

I want what you have for sure. I hope I can get there. I tend to believe I'm weaker, that I can't do what you did.

I suspect that almost everyone here has felt that way one time or another, J-vo. Some are overwhelmed by it and leave but you're still here! You may need a different set of tools than someone else but that has nothing to do with weakness - we're all just different. The thing we have in common and that brings us here is the inability to consume alcohol safely. Usually a person has to be strong and brave to do risky, life-threatening things. We all need to find our way to making the safe, life-affirming choice not to drink. I know you can do that for yourself, your family, and all the other people you care about and who care about you.

[frances]

Hi,
In my opinion, stopping and starting like that can mean living in denial. I should know - I did it long enough.
-- Sunday - FFS, I'm hungover, I'm quitting for a week. But I'll have just a little to help me sleep.
-- Mon - I hate Mondays. I deserve a drink.
-- Tues. - I'll moderate. That will be good enough. I deserve an extra pour with the day I had.
-- Wed. - There was a lot of traffic. I am stressed out. I need a strong one or five tonight.
-- Thurs. -- Almost the weekend, I'll start Monday.
-- Fri/ Sat - guilt, shame, hangover, tired, blah blah
-- Sun -- Rinse, repeat.

Pav

Yes, this sounds familiar to me too! And like Byrdie when I came to this site one thing I found VERY appealing was the idea of moderation. I absolutely thought that was the path for me! Well, after many years of failure and learning the hard way and really wasting so much of my life, I think I am there now (see I still can't fully commit! wtf is that all about?!!) and know that I cannot drink again. I just can't. It is that simple. I take it one day at a time. That is what works for me because I really have a hard time saying forever. But it IS forever.

I read this awhile ago on a blog and saved it - this is what moderation was for me:

When I cut back (which I successfully did many times … temporarily) it required constant vigilance, which created tension, which worked against the very reason I was reaching for the bottle at all — to relax. Why did I not see that contradiction before?

Whew, I need to relax. Let me pour a drink — (but not too much!)

Mmmm, that was good, is it gone already?

I could probably have another one. (But not too much, promise!)

Oops, heavy hand. Oh, well, I’ll just drink it slowly.

Is it gone already?

Am I acting funny?

Must. Act. Natural.

Aw, who are they to judge me anyway? Just a wee drop more. (Not too much … oh, fuck it.)

Is this relaxing? I don’t think so.