Newbies Nest

[abcowboy]

November 11th, Remembrance Day in Canada....a day that Canadians all reflect on what our Veteran's gave up to secure our freedom...they gave their lives so that I could have freedom of choice in mine! A year ago, I hoisted my glass of beer in gratitude for those that fought and gave their lives for my freedom! Today, I stop at 11 am and observe a moment of silence for those who died....and thank them for what they died for. I too fight a battle most every day, but it is a selfish battle, a battle that is for me. And if I win this battle, just today, it is for me, and if I keep winning these battles, then I start seeing the end of the war....there will never be a winner or loser, but a truce between us....I will always be on guard for those surprise attacks, make sure I have sufficient defenses in place to ward off the attacks...and eventually this war I fight will not be just about me, I will fight with everything I have for myself, for my loved ones, for those who stood behind me during my battles, and for those who fight alongside me!
Remembrance Day.....Lest We Forget...


So my friends, let us keep in mind this is a battle we can't fight alone, surround yourself with the troops here on MWO, together we can conquer!

[Icanwithoutacan]

I am going to vent or I am going to drink. I realize there are hundreds of people here - one in particular with worse problems than I : thinking of you Lav.- but I am only on day 3 (feel great physically) and I am a mental mess. Apparently drinking numbs feelings??? Who knew. Anyway, at day 3 all these ANGRY feelings are storming around in my head. I was triggered by reading Drinking: A Love Story...At one point she is talking about her terrible boyfriend and something he did in the book reminded me of something my husband did....anyway, now I can remember every aggravating thing he has ever done, and it is making me crazy. As I also have OCD I can replay this shit OVER AND OVER. I am going to contact my counselor and pull out the OCD skills, but I really don't want to drink over this. What I am afraid of is that I will exploid on him and he will have NO IDEA where this is coming from......He has no idea how much I drink to kill feelings. ARGH....I NEED you all. Please, I am trying so hard to get back in gear with my sobriety. What do you all do with all the FEELINGS?????

[abcowboy]

Ican, vent away, then vent some more! Stay here, post and post! Just don't pick up the first drink! Congrats on day 3! Day 4, then 5, then 6, and it will get better!:hug:

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Lav, you have certainly been on my mind.
AL makes prisoners of us all.... for those of us who have tunneled out of that prison, hang on to your freedom for dear life!

Cowboy, what a beautiful post. We really are fighting this battle every day... mercifully, the AL Voices get quieter and the Voice of Reason gets louder!

ICAN, try and get control of your mind. You can control what you think about. If you are thinking about something negative, BREAK that cycle. I am a ruminator, too, and this is a skill. Sort thru the feelings, throw out the ones that are getting in the way and move forward. A LOT of what you are hearing is the AL VOICE trying to get you to cave...don't listen to that, push thru. Change the subject in your head. Play loud music and sing or go for a walk with someone, or google how to steal from a grocery store (I sell theft deterrents, this is interesting to me)...do anything to get your mind from spinning out of control. You can do this, AL is trying to make you find an EXCUSE to drink. Drinking and eating at people only made ME a fat drunk. Didn't do a thing to those I drank and ate AT. Move along, listen to something else, anything else, grab the reigns of your thinking and steer it back on course! You CAN DO THIS. Your life depends on it.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day, Byrdie

[KENSHO]

ICAN, just remember that you will survive this! When I started to feel things again after I'd drowned them in AL for so long, it was scary! But it evens out, and you end up with a CLEARER head - and you will actually be able to tackle any issues you have much, much better than if you drink. It's just a bit of discomfort! If you can breathe and not try to figure everything out right now, the time will come and you will be able to do it. Be kind to yourself! This is a big deal!

Hugs and support to you friend. Just make it through today!

[Matt M.]

ICAN~ Sucks that you are having these horrible cravings. But it doesn't suck that you came here to vent, shows that you are committed in protecting your quit.
Before you put that poison in your body do this.
Play that drink out from first sip all the way through 24 hours, do not leave out a single detail. Pretty sure your problem will be right were it was with the added problems of the day after pile of shit feelings to go with it.
Byrd is spot on, as usual,, in that this is yet another clever yet fucked trait of Al, pleading and convincing our weak minds that "our problems" or this "particular problem" is SO bad that the only way to get through is to drink. And so the viscous cycle begins.
I so vividly remember, some of those morning afters, in my shame and guilt frame of mind, when I would plead with myself and say " Gdamn I would happily accept just about any bullshit life problem if I could not have an obsession to drink"
I have spilled more booze than most have a drank in 20+ years of drinking, and there is not one single time where drinking made an outcome better, and only made it worse. EVERY bad, regrettable decision I made in my life was the result of Alcohol. I can't take those back. But I vow to not add another "W" in the win column for Alcohol!

I hope you do the same my friend, let's put a W down for ICAN!
stay hard my friend

[Elvis]

Welcome back blackflag.

Sorry for your respective losses Daisy and Lav. :hug:

Ican, recognize that your feelings and emotions are all out of whack when you stop drinking, especially early on. You may have mood swings, get angry for no apparent reason, and you will do or feel things you normally wouldn't. This is normal and just your body trying to adjust to life without alcohol. Your body is so used to compensating for the alcohol, that when it's not there, it gets confused. When things go wacky, I try to remember to take a step back and say this is only temporary and it means my body is healing itself and I am getting healthier. It helps me understand what's going on and react accordingly.

[See the Light]

Greetings Nesters,

I just wanted to say thanks for the support & the private messages - I feel the love & appreciate all of you.

Sadly, last night my BIL decided to take his own life, in his garage. We are (were) neighbors.
He had lived with profound depression since his 18 year old son died in an AL related accident back in 2003. And yes, the choice he made to end his suffering was fueled by a day of hard drinking with a 'friend'.
He leaves a wife, a daughter & two very young grandchildren. This is the choice he made for himself. The rest of us are left to cope. Yet another example of how AL kills & kills again ;(

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest! Be kind to yourselves & loved ones!

Lav

Does anyone really ever need

Sorry to hear that Lav

[Icanwithoutacan]

Thanks for the kind responses. I feel better reading them. I know that this is normal....it's just so hard to determine what is worth worrying about and what isn't...so, I have decided I will not worry about any of it right now. the only thing worth worrying about is staying sober tonight.

Lav and Daisy, I hope you are finding some comfort in all the prayers and well-wishes coming your way. Stay strong.

[roxane]

lav and daisy, im so sorry to hear your news. shocking for all concerned, especially the children and wives.

ican, it is normal. horrible but normal. you are right to not think about those things right now. they will wait for you if they are important and will disappear if they are not. when i read your post i thought the same as byrd, its the al trying to get the foot in the door to kick it open. our learned response if you prefer.

one day at a time, or hour, or minute this early on. that is important.

[Icanwithoutacan]

Oh BTW, Matt M....
Taking your advice:
The anger builds up to the point it is choking me. I go to the store because I need "groceries" (I went shopping yesterday). I tell myself I am buying beer for my husband though I know he keeps some in his truck bed iced. I can't just get 12 because if I drink more than half of that, it will be obvious. I'm not going to drink, but at least it'll be there for him, then I won't have to explain that I quit again. So I come home with a case of beer. At 5:00 cooking supper I say....fuck it, I deserve a beer. I am the one who does everything for the kids and around the house. He's never even here. (Anger from whole day swirls around my head) I take the first sip.......Ah, really what am I so mad about? I shouldn't complain. After the first beer everything is looking better.
On to the second beer. Yes, things really are better. See I can do everything. The kids are so funny and cute and I feel free.
Well, the hubs will be home soon, so I better finish this beer. I'll get a new one so it's full when he comes in and I can say I just opened one.
He will have one with me......Ah, this is why I love him...easy
I'll sneak a few more while he's busy on his first....I've had ....5? now...... starting to have to watch my actions, I overcompensate by being extra attentive, cleaning up the kitchen, laundry....I'm so busy look at me I can't be a drunk. Who would ever be disappointed in me???
I ate earlier (lie) you all go ahead....I'll sneak #6 in here....having to hide the empties in various trash cans gets frustrating.
Hubs is ready for bed....oh I'll be there soon......I want to watch my show (and drink 3 more beers)....why do the older girls have to stay up? Can they tell I'm drunk? They are aggravating me but I want to be available so I have to let them stay with me....shit, why can't I remember what they just asked me?
Sneak into bed....mouthwash, tip toe, don't shake the bed....Did it
3:00 am PANIC......Why did I do this again? I don't deserve this family. I am such a fraud. Sweating, headachy, scared, and ashamed. I swear I will never drink again. Oh, please headache go away....By 6:30 reality that I have to get up....Advil.....I am killing my liver....Grouchy with the kids - I can't get anything done, I don't know why I'm so tired...???? I swear I won't drink tonight....but I'm so aggravated

Rinse, lather, repeat

[roxane]

and that is why playing it forward to the end is such a good tool.

[narilly]

Lav, Daisy, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Thank goodness you are sober and will be able to deal with it without AL. People always tend to drink when someone dies , don't they? I bet your families will appreciate the fact you are there for them too.

Mr B, lil b, hang in there. You too Ava. Wow, a lot of grief is going around here

ICan, glad you came here with your craving. I think that is the best thing to do. Talking to a bunch of Alkies just like yourself really helps. You can beat that lizard brain! Don't drink. Have some ice cream, go for a walk, read here. Keep coming back and don't drink today.
Hey, and if ICanYouCan! (I just wanted to say that)

Matt, Byrdie, those regrettable mornings are a huge motivator for me not to drink. I cannot handle that anymore. DONE with that.

Cowboy thank you for the Rememberance Day post. I am on my way to Memorial Drive to attend the Rememberance Day ceremony on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.
Last year I got drunk on this day and spent Nov 12 with a really bad hangover. I didn't get out of bed all day. That was the beginning of the end of my drinking. I had a few relapses after that and after a few ass kickings from NS and Ava, Pav and J-Vo I have been sober since April. Thank You All for your support.
We are here for each other!

[NoSugar]

Ican

Everyone here can relate to their own version of your post -- it is such a vicious cycle and one that seems so hard to break. But here's a challenge for you, rewrite that - for yourself or for us - but without the beer. That will be the story worth repeating.

At 5:00 cooking supper I say...

[Resolve]

Lav - I'm very sorry to hear your sad news and the circumstances. Your message provided that reminder that this is where and how it can end. Sending my condolences to you and your family.

Daisy - very sorry to hear your family news as well. Continued strength sent your way.

Today is a reflective day, and thank you to our Veterans.

Isn't it great to remember and be appreciative with a clear head?