Newbies Nest

[MossRose]

It's been an interesting night. I got a call from a good friend who I have confided in about my descent into alcoholism. He has been a great source of support. So imagine my surprise tonight when the conversation went like this...

Him: "So, how long do you plan on not drinking."

Me: "Forever!"

Crickets chirping...

Me: "Are you there?"

Him: "Yeah." Silence.

That's said it all for me. Wow - in the past, I would have been devastated. But tonight, I was angry. He will always be my friend, because we have history, and I know he really cares about me, but he just doesn't get it. I need MWO more than ever, because you all understand. I intend to walk the line. Thanks everyone.

[See the Light]

MR- yeah, if he does not have a drinking problem, you might even sound like an extremist. But you are not, you are a realist. He might think, a few drinks here and there a few months from now can't hurt you. We here all know better...if that was our style we wouldn't be here. From all of us on this side of that reality, we think forever sounds just about right...and 100% support that goal..If he is understanding and open-minded, explain to him what you know will happen when you go back to once in a while and why you don't want to go there...hopefully a good friend can see your perspective and try to appreciate if not relate to your dedication to being on the best path for your life...

[MossRose]

STL - funny thing is, this man is more than just a friend. We are in the beginning stages of starting a relationship, so you can imagine, I am being vigilant. I believe he is a "normal" drinker because he has never given me any reason to believe differently. That I can deal with. But tonight, he scared me. His response was a bit odd, don't you think? Oh hell, maybe I'm just being crazy.

[Gardener]

Thanks ICan, sober as a judge here too tonight. Hubs was home tonight, asked if I minded if he had a beer, I said no - but boy, it did make me entertain the thought of having just "one" with him, but then I saw what I would be having in my mind, "two", bottles that is. Not going to happen, I'm diggin' in - no damn bargaining. Day 3 closing, hope too that BlackFlag and RedNose are doing well.

Moss Rose, I really hear you with that friend, a couple of months ago when I was trying once again to quit, had dinner with a couple we see quite a bit, he and I are the only ones that drink wine, and when I refused and told him I wasn't going to be drinking anything for six weeks due to a "challenge" I was working on, he said when they left that night (quite early) that he'd see me in six weeks. These are super close friends.

Hi ya Pine Cone and congrats on those 3 years sober - what an accomplishment!! You are an inspiration around here, I always love reading your insightful posts.

Night all, Day 4 tomorrow.

[available]

Oh MR so many times i have had this conversation that people TELL me what i can do now i have some time up my sleeve with not drinking. I normally turn around and say i cant have one or else i will be drinking for the next 3 years or more. I get pissed off also as we know we would all love one but we all know on this site we cant ever have one. People who are not addicted just dont understand what we go through MR. I try and be tolerant but if they keep on then i change the subject. There is no point getting my stress levels up for people who have rose coloured glasses on. We know what we have to do and we know we cant drink if we want to live. I have also asked why they want me to drink? They normally say "you were such fun or we used to have a great time" and yes sometimes i was fun but at the end of the day and years of drinking, the fun went. They also need to spend time to see how much we still have to give now we are sober. I give so much more now.

[See the Light]

Hmmm...maybe he is just a bit scared your not drinking is going ruin his good times. So you need to make sure he knows you are plenty capable of having fun without AL and that you are not threatened by his occasional drinking (hopefully you are not)..I think creating this understanding upfront can prevent some awkward and undesirable consequences at a later time...Not every body wants a drunk friend, but a lot of times some people to don't get the sober ones either...he needs to understand early (in my opinion) for it to work..take it one step at time, as they say..

[Gardener]

Hi NS - Just reading back thru tonight, and saw your post, and yes I do still have an active social life. Partly because of work and hobbies my hubs and I are involved in, clubs, etc.

My plan now is to just say NO THANKS, that's all, don't want one. Change subject, walk away, whatever. Anybody who corners me is going to get it!!! Tired of this, I don't have to explain to anyone and I'm not pretending anymore, they'll get used to it!! Whew, that felt good. It's too exhausting to come up with excuses, NO, just NO. I need all my strength.

Just posted about Hubs having a couple of beers tonight after dinner, I had 4 Andes mints and and one Lindt truffle chocolate, don't worry, the chocolate is only temporary. :happy2:

[narilly]

MR, stay vigilant. If you are hangin with this guy he might tempt you. Like STL says, show him you are just as much fun when you are not drinking. Actually more fun because you are not drunk!
Sober here today. Am looking forward to reading and a good sleep.

-17C this morning on my way to work. A little chilly!

[Icanwithoutacan]

I hear you Gardener. My hubs is the most normal drinker there is. He has a beer every night. Sometimes 2. Many times just a half of one.:egad: I found it really helpful to write through my "one drink" scenario the other day. You can read back a few days and see....That's my reality anyway....It would be 9 beers not 1.
Moss I really hear you on the friend thing. I have some very supportive friends (3) who help me through as best they can. I went to the beach with them last year and they drank but they wouldn't even think of me touching it! Last week before Day 1 I broke down crying to them because I needed to stop again. They were so supportive. It seems like it's the more casual acquaintances, the ones who don't really know your soul, that are the biggest problem. I really think they are trying to make a connection through drinking without realizing the harm it will do to you, and many times you don't know them well enough yet to really want to explain the depths of it. This same thing happened to me at our family beach trip last year (lots of aunts, cousins, etc). My cousin, in all sincerity because we always drink a ton on the beach, kept questioning my drinking. I felt like I was making HER uncomfortable. This was at 6 MONTHS sober. I ended up drinking with her and couldn't get back on MWO very consistently for months. It is only now I feel the resolve to really stay sober again and this is 5 months after picking up that ONE drink. HAHAHAHA. Anyway, I guess I am saying be careful because whether he is questioning his own drinking or just uncomfortable with you not drinking, I think it is important to protect you right now. I hope all this made sense...

[KENSHO]

Hiya folks. Feeling so tired tonight. Just heard that a friend of mine (38 yrs. old!) has cancer. Two things about this. First is that she is younger than I am! This really hit home for me that life is such a gift and we need to not piss it away by numbing ourselves from it. Some people don't get the CHOICE to live - yet we get the choice to drink. Second thing is that she learned she had that cancer gene - and just had a preventative masectomy. Some people thought she was paranoid, but after worrying so much, she decided to do the hysterectomy too. Turns out that it was during this procedure that they found cancer on her tubes. Point is... no matter what others say, we have to listen to ourselves. She had a very strong feeling that she needed these surgeries, and she got them - hopefully in time. Listen to what your body and intuition are telling you to do in life. This can only be achieved by connecting to ourselves, and not hiding from ourselves though alcohol.

I know its goopy and deep, but when I really listen, past the lizard brain, my body doesn't want alcohol, and neither does my soul. Good night all.

[Pavati]

Dang - one short day at work and I'm five pages behind. Love the prolific nesters - it means we are using that community of support we know we can't do without.

Pinecone - you are a thoughtful, realistic and supportive presence here, and I am so happy to see you posting more here in the nest. I know I value your input so much. Thanks for hanging out with us and showing us that three years sober looks great!

Matt - 100! Fan-fucking-tastic, to steal a page from Kensho. You are so thoughtful, insightful, and damn funny, too. Stay hard, my friend. Onward to the next milestone.

Gardener - welcome back. So happy to hear about your attitude and acceptance. Take that damn s%*t OFF the table.

Ican - Emotions?! Boy do I understand what you are saying. I have been reading about "just noticing" anger and emotions rather than fighting against them. We can't really change the pain, we can just push through it. Getting drunk will only postpone it. I'm with Mossy - take it out on a punching bag, or a great workout. As for your husband - the best realization I have had in my marriage is that I can't change my husband's behavior - no matter how snippy, angry, or passive aggressive I am, it just doesn't work. What I CAN do is change my reaction to his behavior. Wow. What a revelation. Things are not peaches and cream always, but once I accepted him for who he is - warts and all - I could return to focusing the things I can change, namely my own behavior. I don't know the particulars of your marriage, and it may be that down the line he's not the right one for you, but I wouldn't make any rash decisions in the start of your sobriety.

Ok, peeps - I'm off to bed. I CAN'T put down the book I am reading - Brain on Fire about a reporter who goes "crazy" because of a strange illness. Very compelling and freaky story - great distraction for anyone looking for one.

xo
Pav

[Pavati]

Sorry, Kensho. That is sad news.

[Pavati]

And another tragic alcohol-related death. Oscar Tevares, an up and coming baseball star for the St. Louis Cardinals crashed his car and died last month. It was just revealed the BAC was five times the legal limit (I heard .28). So sad. http://www.si.com/mlb/2014/11/12/car...atal-crash-bac

[Lavande]

Good morning Abbers,

Sunny & cold here, freezing actually
I'd better go check on my feathered friends soon. They are a pretty hardy bunch & usually don't mind the cold. It's the snow they don't like.

Kensho, very sorry to hear about your friend. I hope fights her way thru all that & comes out even stronger.

Wishing everyone a wonderful AF Thursday!

Lav

[See the Light]

Kensho- sorry to hear that… cancer is so unpredictable and scary. The guy in my small group at my work has stage 4 metastic stomach cancer (which is highly terminal)…he is 45 years old with 1 kid.. but he worked out daily, never drank, never smoked and ate very healthy…he never swore, never raised his voice and worked like an ox…just one of those things…couldn't have happended to a nicer guy.. He went out of work with what he thought was an ulcer...I remember this clearly as our mutual boss was out of town, and it was day 2 of my current quit (so he's been gone more than 3 months)..he didn’t look good at the time (was losing weight and was sort of yellowish) but I was laser focused on my quit at the time…I wish I had said something else to him (although no one knew what it was at that time) before he left as it is very likely he will not be back…definitely puts things in perspective…best wishes to your friend as well… and let’s cherish the days we do have