Newbies Nest

[Icanwithoutacan]

Sorry to hear about your friend, Kensho. It is so frightening the people who have cancer these days.
Pavati, thank you for the post..... It's funny, I have been listening to a podcast about marriage and it says the exact same thing....Focus on changing my response instead of trying to change him......I am trying, but it is hard. I have all these feelings, and not only do I not know what to do with them, I am constantly asking myself "how I should feel" and "how I should react" because I honestly don't know. (Grammar police don't judge my run-on sentences please). I started drinking heavily when I was 20, still living off my parents, and still very much under their control/support.....I think I never really developed MY own system of what I want, etc......I don't know if this is making ANY sense at all......It's like I went from 20-43 drinking but highly functioning for other people....I love to be liked....UGH, frustrating.......Overall, he is a great husband: supportive, faithful, hard-working, great father, etc. He has a tendency to be "parent-like" with me. Hard to explain, but it burns me up. And I don't know that it isn't partly because I let him for so long so I could drink, if that makes any sense. Like, let him act however so long as he doesn't comment on my drinking? I'm glad that I feel so much better here on day 5 because a comment he made this morning, I did choose a different response to, and I could tell it kind of shocked him.....I felt the burning anger, but I chose a different response and when I came on here, here you were!!! Let me be clear, these are nit-picky things that aggravate me that he says, not serious problems. Like he'll say "The better way to do that is...." and I'll be like OMG, really? inside.....So, not sure how to change this. I'll keep working on it. I will not drink today.

[Byrdlady]

Good Morning, Nesters!
Great posts overnight, as usual.
STL, you are so right....life IS a fragile, wonderful gift....one that I know I took for granted....thought nothing could happen to ME! Until it did. It is very difficult to justify our voluntary choice of destruction when you see others doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to live! I'm talking chemo, radiation, experimental treatment.....and all WE have to do is stop drinking. I think that is one of the reasons I suggest visiting folks in nursing homes with your pet or just going by to see them in the early days of our quit. Putting things into perspective really helped me get over the pity party stage. There are a LOT of other people going thru things way beyond their control. Putting yourself into the service of others will help you sort out and prioritize things in your own life, at least it did with me. I don't have it so bad AT ALL! In fact, I consider myself downright lucky! I have the best friends and support right at my fingertips!
I hope everyone has a great day today. Do whatever it takes to make it AF! Hugs to all, Byrdie

[narilly]

Sorry to hear that Kensho. Cancer is such a terrible disease but it does not always mean a death sentence. Lots of people live with Cancer these days and it has become more of a long term illness which can be treated. My hubby had colon cancer in 2011 and had a huge tumor taken out of his colon. He goes for tests: CT scans, MRI's, colonoscopys on a regular basis. If it comes back somewhere else there is a high likely hood they will catch it and it will be treated. Anyway, he is here and super healthy for now.

Pav, I read that article. Stupid AL! What a shame for this guy and his family, he was in the majors and then threw it all away because of AL.

Ican, relationships are tough. I don't know if you have ever thought of counselling but my hubby and I went- After he had his midlife crisis. It really helped the both of us communicate better. There were so many ways in which we were able to improve our communication and understanding of each other. It was an eye opener.
Don't get me wrong, it still is tough but at least we understand each other a bit better. It is good to go to a counsellor who can point things out to your hubby that are causing problems in your relationship.
I drank like you Ican, started when I was 12 and finally quit at 49. High functioning but hungover WAY too much.

have a great day everyone.

[NoSugar]

Him: "So, how long do you plan on not drinking."
Me: "Forever!"
Crickets chirping...
Me: "Are you there?"
Him: "Yeah." Silence.

Building relationships requires compromise but this is one area where we have to have it our way, Moss. I don't think you overreacted given that you thought he understood your situation. Perhaps after another conversation about it he'll realize that he needs to do all of the accommodating here. (You can pay him back elsewhere :wink.

My plan now is to just say NO THANKS, that's all, don't want one. Change subject, walk away, whatever. Anybody who corners me is going to get it!!! Tired of this, I don't have to explain to anyone and I'm not pretending anymore, they'll get used to it!! Whew, that felt good. It's too exhausting to come up with excuses, NO, just NO. I need all my strength.

Good for you, Gardener. Frankly, it isn't really anyone else's business. I've found the response "Nope" to "Don't you drink at all?" to be a real conversation-stopper :smile:. There isn't much for the other person to say without being totally rude so the topic gets changed right away.

I read what you wrote somewhere else about your wine-drinking friend who said he'll see you in 6 weeks. That is sad. One of the apparent downsides of quitting that we don't talk about a lot is that some relationships are revealed to be more about sharing drinks than sharing lives. The true friendships survive this, though, and frankly, I'm not too interested in the superficial ones anymore anyway. Meaningful relationships require time and effort - I'm glad not to be wasting energy on the other ones. You might find that you lose interest in some people the longer you are AF. Activities that seemed fun before turn out to have been that way because you were drinking. On the upside, you'll have time, energy, and enthusiasm for people and activities that really matter.

This same thing happened to me at our family beach trip last year (lots of aunts, cousins, etc). My cousin, in all sincerity because we always drink a ton on the beach, kept questioning my drinking. I felt like I was making HER uncomfortable. This was at 6 MONTHS sober. I ended up drinking with her and couldn't get back on MWO very consistently for months. It is only now I feel the resolve to really stay sober again and this is 5 months after picking up that ONE drink. HAHAHAHA. Anyway, I guess I am saying be careful because whether he is questioning his own drinking or just uncomfortable with you not drinking, I think it is important to protect you right now. I hope all this made sense...

Thanks for sharing this, ICan. It is stories like yours that help me stay committed to remaining AF. When people can't get it going, I am sympathetic and want to somehow help them but I don't personally feel threatened by what they are going through -- I think it is the nature of addiction that getting past the horrible first few days or weeks is just plain hard. It sometimes takes many attempts. The long-termers like Pinecone, Byrdie, Lav, et al. are inspiring models but I think that without stories like yours, it would be easy for me to tell myself I'm not like the people who can't seem to quit at all and I bet I'm different than those ones ahead of me who didn't even try to moderate... they probably aren't as in control of all this as I am. But stories like yours (and others on the Relapse thread) prove to me that in this, we are more alike than different and it's not worth the risk of being unable to get it back. So, thank you :hug:.

I hope all of the people who have returned recently really commit this time - stay close and do whatever necessary to get another AF day behind you. Think of being one of the people welcoming newbies to the nest on 1 January 2015 with several weeks of sobriety behind you! So much better than having to tell yourself that surely 2015 will be the year you'll break free... you'll already have done it :victorious:!
!

[rednose]

Good Morning to you all.

I made it through day 2 and am on my way to day 3. Day 2 was harder on me physically than day 1 was. A bit
of the shakes, did not sleep as well and was grumpy as hell. But even though it crossed my mind I did not run out and buy a bottle. So today I repeat and keep my head on straight love my dogs, eat well and take it easy on this body.
I can see some naps ahead in my day. Thanks to you all for the words of encouragement. It is nice to know that there are people out there that really care.

I will be checking in later as much as I can.

rednose :thanks:

[rednose]

Hiya folks. Feeling so tired tonight. Just heard that a friend of mine (38 yrs. old!) has cancer. Two things about this. First is that she is younger than I am! This really hit home for me that life is such a gift and we need to not piss it away by numbing ourselves from it. Some people don't get the CHOICE to live - yet we get the choice to drink. Second thing is that she learned she had that cancer gene - and just had a preventative masectomy. Some people thought she was paranoid, but after worrying so much, she decided to do the hysterectomy too. Turns out that it was during this procedure that they found cancer on her tubes. Point is... no matter what others say, we have to listen to ourselves. She had a very strong feeling that she needed these surgeries, and she got them - hopefully in time. Listen to what your body and intuition are telling you to do in life. This can only be achieved by connecting to ourselves, and not hiding from ourselves though alcohol.

I know its goopy and deep, but when I really listen, past the lizard brain, my body doesn't want alcohol, and neither does my soul. Good night all.

Kensho.

Sorry to hear about your friend. I lost a friend of thirty years to cancer and he was 6 years younger tham I am.
Yes we need to treat every day as a gift and I myself need to stop pissing them away being drunk.

Thanks for you post.

rednose

[KENSHO]

They are making my friend with cancer wait weeks to have the exploratory surgery to determine her level of cancer. In the interim, I will be sending her a card a day from an interesting place to help take her mind off it and so she feels less alone. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have thought of this if I was still drinking. In fact, while drinking, all I really thought about was - well, me. And where the next drink came from, and whether or not I was meeting basic needs to "get by". The mindspace I have freed by kicking alcohol to the curb is HUGE. Now, I wake up happy to fill it with productive, inspiring and positive things.

[Gardener]

Good going Rednose, it does get better, it's just been 4 days for me and the headaches are subsiding and I feel clearer already. How are you sleeping?? Melatonin is working OK for me although I do wake up a lot and am restless. Have a better day today.

[Gardener]

I hope all of the people who have returned recently really commit this time - stay close and do whatever necessary to get another AF day behind you. Think of being one of the people welcoming newbies to the nest on 1 January 2015 with several weeks of sobriety behind you! So much better than having to tell yourself that surely 2015 will be the year you'll break free... you'll already have done it !
! Posted by NoSugar

I am so looking forward to a sober holiday season and being there to welcome newbies on Jan 1!

ICan - My hubs is a normal drinker too, and I am the same as you - 1 drink = 10, I see that in mind now too. We also have played similar roles with each other, he put up with my drinking for years and was a bit of the authority figure in our relationship too, kind of reminds me of the movie "when a man loves a woman" with Meg Ryan, did you see that?

kensho - so sorry about your friends cancer, it does put things into perspective and we should not be pissing our lives away with alcohol, so right!

Pav - Sh**t is off the table!!! Feel like I have finally gotten behind the "no bargaining", "its off the table" mentality - I've been on this hamster wheel for 2 years now. I really want to make this happen. "Brain on Fire", I just picked that book up - looks like a great read, we'll have to compare notes on it.

I hope everyone has a great day today!

[Byrdlady]

Gardener, I tell you that mindset really worked for me! Drinking AL just isn't a choice anymore....NEXT!!! I would no sooner drink AL than I would battery acid. The results are the same (be them slow or fast acting).

My theory on the tiredness thing is that our bodies had learned to run off ethanol, and when we convert them over to food and nutrients, it takes a bit of time for our bodies to adjust. It's like 'all hands on deck' as your body is trying to relearn how to run properly. I think that zaps our energy. After that first week tho, things should improve greatly! I'm sure others can speak to the biological things that are going on, but that's my take on it. By Day 13, I felt GOOD! It is a process! B

[Gardener]

You are so right Byrdie - it took me a couple of years to finally get that. If it's truly off the table, there's nothing to bargain for. Bargaining has been my downfall each and every time I quit, whether it was after 3 to 4 days or over 30 days. I was always wishing that I would become a "normal drinker" after I had conquered how ever many days I had vowed to quit Never worked, always back to square 1 in just a week or sometimes two.

I remember the process too, at 30 days I also felt on top of the world physically and mentally. Looking forward to enjoying that feeling for good.

Thanks for all you do, I have heard your words in my head so many times in the past and it has helped me to get back here. I'm grateful.

[available]

Morning nesters

Kensho i am sorry to hear about your friend, so young and she did everything she could. I hope she is ok. Today i hope mum gets her results on whether she has stomach cancer and my friend Robert finally has a date for his salvage surgery so he is happy but anxious. Me, well i am stressed out but sober. As you said if we were drinking it would have been all about "me".

Ican, i found when i stopped drinking it wasnt only me that had to deal with no al, everyone around me had to get to know the real and sober Linda. My children could not walk all over me and that when i meant "no" i actually meant "no". When i had an opinion drinking it was a drunk opinion and i dont think anyone paid attention now they listen to what i say. The anger settles over time with others around us and i try and think that my boys had to put up with so much when i was a drunk. Give it time, walk away if you have to and if you shock hubs then so be it, he will learn that you are not the person you were.

MR, i met a guy a few times in my guzzling days and i farked it up but we got in contact again recently. He said exactly the same thing to me about drinking and it floored me. I thought that maybe i could have a few, maybe he could control the situation so i didnt go back to what i was, maybe i was fun before and maybe i am not now. It ripped me apart but i could not drink for him, i cant drink for anyone. I told him i was an alcoholic, so take me or leave me but that is a part of who i am. Well we met and he told me i looked great and i was such a better person emotionally than when we met a year or so ago and we had a great time. Now he has gone to NZ so not sure if i chased him away ha ha but dont drink for anyone Moss, your life is the most important one in life (other than the kids of course).

Friday here, its going to be a long day till mum rings me but i have a job interview on Monday closer to home and with a lot less stress, well i hope so. Working in the mental health field so that would be interesting. Fingers crossed.

Have a great one nest and newbies keep on going, even though the weekend is coming up its a wonderful achievement to do a first weekend sober.

[See the Light]

Yes, I recall that 1st weeks fatigue all too well (I actually ran into walls at work and had to go home I was so dizzy… I posted my experiences somewhere near the beginning here). As I found out, like Byrdie said, as its likely related to a sugar imbalance…(insulin burning glucose too quickly causing blood sugars to drop..like Hypoglycemia..NoSugar led me in this direction early on). Bottom line – avoid concentrated carbs such as sugar (And AL of course) and avoid caffeine, as this also messes with your system..and have a B-complex vitamin as well..that should help more with the natural energy levels…hang in there all..its worth it

[Matt M.]

.

. It is very difficult to justify our voluntary choice of destruction when you see others doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to live! I'm talking chemo, radiation, experimental treatment.

Byrd that is Gdamn brilliant! Anyone of us would agree to loose a limb, crawl through a mile long shit field, I'm not exactly sure what a shit field is? But anyway we would do just about anything to stay alive. As Mrs Thang( thats you byrd, a compliment of course) put it so eloquently, with the chemo analogy. All of these wheels off horrible decisions people have to make just to beat a disease and to stay alive.
All I got to do to stay Alive is NOT FUCKING DRINK!
That's bad ass, as far as I'm concerned.
That's all I have to say about that..
AMF!

[NoSugar]

This is a blog post by one of my favorite bloggers (and one of the hosts on the Bubble Hour). Since many people don't like to click links around here, I'm copy/pasting my favorite parts but if you want to read the whole thing (or her whole blog!), it is here.

5 Common Questions of the Newly Sober

Posted on November 13, 2014by UnPickled
Almost everyone I’ve spoken to in recovery started out by asking themselves these five questions:
1. Am I Really an Alcoholic?
We have this idea that there are two kinds of drinkers: the good people who can handle it and the bad people who lose control and become alcoholics. No one wants to cross the line and join the losing team. No one is excited about a new identity that carries enormous social stigma and shame. The notion alone kept me drinking long after I knew something was wrong. I didn’t want to wear that label, and anyway how could I be the “A” word? I was successful and happy, not miserable and screwed up. I just needed to get my nightly wine habit under control (whatever that meant).
To quit drinking simply makes us “non-drinkers”, not necessarily “alcoholics”. Forget labels, diagnosis, teams, categories, or stereotypes.
The underlying question is really, “Is it really necessary for me to give up alcohol entirely?” Going back to the idea of good drinkers/bad drinkers, most of us connect abstinence with addiction and resist it because it carries an identity of shame.
Some common advice is this: If you’re not sure whether or not you need to quit drinking, try moderating. Put it in writing (“I will only drink on Friday nights, and I will stop after two drinks” or “I will not exceed weekly guidelines for healthy drinking”) and see how that goes. Some people in successful recovery may roll their eyes at this point, some will chuckle knowingly, and some will nod sadly. That’s because almost all of us tried it ourselves – multiple times – and failed repeatedly. That’s why we had to quit, because we couldn’t moderate.
Generally speaking, people who don’t have a problem with drinking alcohol also don’t have a problem with NOT drinking alcohol. So if sticking to a written intention is un-doable, then it is likely that the best outcome will result from abstinence.
2. Do I Have to Quit Forever?
Many of us have heard that alcohol addiction is for life; it doesn’t go away and can’t be healed, only managed as a chronic condition. The general consensus is that life-long abstinence is best, and that can be an overwhelming prospect at first.
Focus on today, not forever. I am not always a fan of 12-step slogans, but I can attest to the wisdom of “one day at a time” and “just for today” and “easy does it”.
Anyone who has gotten to the point where alcohol seems to be taking over daily life (my experience) or has become a dangerous unpredictable force (such as occasional but extreme black-out binges) needs peace and freedom from the negative relationship with alcohol. The easiest way to achieve that is to take it day by day, moment by moment, until some new healthier habits start to form. It does get easier.
Another slogan I find helpful when the concept of “forever” seems impossible is “Just do the next right thing.”
If recovery slogans put you off, there are plenty of old corny jokes with the same message:
“How do you eat an elephant?” (One bite at a time!)
3. How Do I Know When I Have Hit “Rock Bottom”?
Hey guess what? Rock bottom is not a prerequisite for recovery! The only requirement is motivation. If you are inspired to quit drinking before it destroys your life, then you are among the lucky ones. Your challenge will be to stay motivated and maintain the drive.
Unfortunately, “rock bottom” is a stereotype that is perpetuated by virtue of its visibility. When someone in our community or a high-profile newsmaker is out of control, we are all witness to the evidence and curiosity keeps us following their journey through disaster to (we hope) recovery. The media prints graphic photos of the hot-mess-of-the-month, then updates us on subsequent court proceedings, incarceration or rehab, and hints at a triumphant return to great heights. Movies are not made about the soccer mom that quietly switches to tea and blogs anonymously. Where’s the drama? Where’s the hook? Still, it is an equally common reality.
Once addiction takes hold, it rarely seems to self-resolve. The normal pattern for addiction is that it only gets worst until the pattern is stopped. Rock bottom looms as the ultimate destination, but it is possible to get off the ride at any time. For those who are either oblivious their problem’s momentum, or not able to stop for whatever reason (social, physical, economic, and/or mental circumstances), it may not be possible to muster sufficient motivation to quit drinking until something catastrophic occurs that removes all other options.

For the rest of the post: http://unpickled.wordpress.com/2014/...e-newly-sober/.