Newbies Nest

[narilly]

Mossy, I am sorry you are having so much trouble with your family.mthat is the worst! See if you can distance yourself somehow from the situation, maybe that will help.

Mesh, glad you are here and are quitting. AL will kill us all if we let it. Keep coming back here, we are all in this together.

Cowboy, I am so glad you didn't drink! Ex's are the worst because they can really put you in that drinking mindset. Next time come here and talk to us, we can help you.

Well, I barbequed a chicken tonight. Had to brush off a foot of snow of the BBQ. Mmm good!

Sober Sunday here.
Xo

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I sure had a busy weekend tending to family matters. I don't have a crystal ball but I do trust that everything & everyone will be OK

Welcome back Meshell. Your plan of giving up drinking for a year baffles me a bit. Are you planning on trying to moderate after that period of abstinence? I would think that would be very hard to do. You may end up changing your mind about that when you get some good AF time under your belt. Keep your options open

MossRose, I'm sorry you are dealing with such tough family issues. I've witnessed people doing all sorts of strange things to hide the truth, save face. It is ridiculous & potentially very damaging. We cannot change people so please don't waste your energy or time trying to do so. Stay focused on yourself & your needs so you can help your brother meet his needs :hug:

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!

Lav

[available]

MR maybe its time to break the cycle of your family. What have you got to lose? You are not happy with the discussion with your mum and maybe it is time to change things. You have the guts and the determination and big shoulders. Do what you feel is right girl and go for it. Sending you big hugs. I know you wont drink,

Welcome back Meshell

[abcowboy]

Hi all, not the best weekend for me, and my thoughts are basically along the line of "where is the balance in life between remaining super, daily vigilant about my sobriety vs. easing off the gas pedal, and gradually re-orienting myself back into more 'normal' thoughts and activities during the day"?

Don't get me wrong for a minute, I am not wavering slightly- TOTAL ABSTINENCE IS THE ONLY WAY. I would rather chew on a rock as opposed to have a drink of alcohol - being sober is everything to me and I am loving it, more every day, but my ex knows my buttons and when to push them and she was playing a symphony this weekend! I swear at times, the only purpose in my life, is to outlive her so that I can dance naked in the rain and piss on her headstone! But, that is not making ammends, is it? Would make one hell of a youtube video though lol

However, the thoughts I have now are rather more... "At some point can I safely think about AL a little less, while my irrevocable decision to quit, remains just that, irrevocable"? More specifically, after a certain level of sobriety is reached, does continual focus on AL, maybe become counter-productive? And, possibly keeping thoughts of AL in my head a bit too frequently, do I risk that this continual thought of AL, could lead me to that fateful weak moment? I doubt it as I know AF is the only way for me...but... I guess everyone's journey to total sobriety in this group will be different. In my case, I've never had a serious relapse since I started, just two 4 hour slips. And, this is my only serious quit in my entire life. So, I really don't know what the right course is? I don't kid my self that this terrible war is even close to being decisively won. Ask me in about 5 years, and I may have a slightly clearer direction. Believe me, these are very recent thoughts over recent happenings. I've stayed glued to MWO and other resources, day and night over the weekend. I can't imagine getting to the point where I am at, without the wonderful souls here. And, as I type this, I wonder if I risk being a bit complacent? I don't feel cocky about achieving this level of sobriety. This question of mine is all about successfully charting my next period of sobriety and how I should think about handling it? Walk away from the anxiety of dealing with my ex, which would also mean stepping back from our daughter....make her force her mom to help her as Dad has now said "no more" or just let the ex get her way again....then deal with my thoughts of "maybe just one?" I know the best place I can be right now is here, MWO, talking to friends who have lived the lies, fought the demon, and came out on top! This is a battle I know I can win, but why is it so damn hard! God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....

[narilly]

Cowboy, I know from te research and my own experience that being part of a group gives you a much higher odds of being successful in being abstinent. I think it's up to you in terms of how much time you want to spend with your group whether that be AA or here. There has to be some balance, I mean you can't be here all the time.
I think you have to find what works for you. I don't think you need to think about it all the time.
Other things help me with my sobriety besides MWO like exercise, meditation, cooking and reading. I try and have balance, I don't think about AL all the time but remain vigilant for sure.

[Pavati]

Hi, Everyone:

Cowboy - I LOVE your post. I contemplate that a lot. Do I REALLY have to focus so much on alcohol? The conclusion I have made is yes. I have periods when I post multiple times a day on multiple threads because I need that much support (maybe you've all seen me around a lot lately??), and there are times when I pop in for a quick scan of the posts and my own check in. It doesn't have to be MWO, but some sort of daily focus on sobriety seems to allow people to avoid complacency and relapse. One part of the sobriety model is service - and being here to help new and struggling people is key to my sobriety. It helps remind me of those terrible feelings, while allowing people who are scared to understand that they are not alone, and that being sober is not a scary place to be at all. I just follow NoSugar who follows Byrdie who follows Lav - three great mentors IMHO. 5-20 minutes a day seems like a small price to pay to keep this life that I want.

As for your ex - I would like that video! I don't know the particulars of your choices, but I would say keep your relationship with your daughter while trying to avoid being triggered by your ex. This is where the serenity prayer helps me (even though I don't pray) - what can YOU change, and what do you have to accept because you don't have control over it. You can only control your reaction to your ex, not her action. (Why does that Frozen song come to my head?)

I've had some powerful struggles the past few days, and because of our discussion here, I had a really wonderful talk with my husband. I said, "You know that if I start to say 'maybe one' now that I've been sober this long it will mean I will be headed for a relapse, right? You know that's not possible, right?" He told me he DIDN'T know that. Glad I told him. We have a very wonderful conversation about embarrassment, shame, guilt and the like. He so wants to understand but like I've said here, I don't think he possibly could.

Anyway, I highly recommend a heart to heart with someone you completely trust in real life. It honestly makes a big difference. MWO has meant the world to me and I have met many wonderful people here, but I can't see you all daily. Knowing someone here is in my corner is a big deal.

Welcome back, Mesh - I love the advice you got. I know saying "forever" is VERY difficult at first, but taking the choice off the table is so freeing, and then you just have to take it one day at a time (those sobriety cliches are pretty valuable sometimes!)

Mossy - sorry about your family. I like Ava's advice - maybe you can break the cycle...

Nar - A brave woman BBQing in the snow. Your son sounds great.

New newbies - hang close. Apart from avoiding situations that might make you feel wobbly, I suggest that if you DO go to holiday parties and whatnot you make sure you have your own ride home. I made that mistake recently and deeply regretted having to wait for my ride to be ready when I really felt like I needed to leave the situation. This can be a stressful, high stakes time of year.

Enough blabbing for a Sunday night. Take care of yourselves, nesters, and don't drink, no matter what.

xo
Pav

[KENSHO]

Hi All. Busy here this weekend! I was up in the mountains with friends and a dead phone. Which I dearly missed. Had a rough night. I'm not sure why it got to me - I really wanted a drink. They had great food, great company (they are some of our dearest friends) and I absolutely love the mountains in the snow. I guess it was old times - we used to all drink around the fire and music. It's just what we did, and now I am the change in the chemistry. No one was pushy, but I felt some discomfort on their end, and OH BOY did I want a glass of wine. It was a close call. The only thing that kept me from it was repeating to myself again and again what conclusion I came to: I can't drink responsibly.

I felt sorry for myself and felt weak. I miss being a part of the group, but I was very glad to wake up without a hangover and ready to face the day.

SO, in my self-pity, I have dragged myself here to read and remind myself unequivocally that I belong here because I can't drink. I get it, but it wasn't fun last night. It's always a bit of a surprise when I have a troubling night because I've grown able to deal with my daily life and routine without AL. It's the random social nights, especially the ones with a history of booze, that get me.

I am dreading Thanksgiving week with the in-laws. AL will be in my face the entire week (mimosas, and nightly drinking starting at 3:00ish). I guess I can't expect to feel strong all the time, but I'm going to have to turn it up a notch for that. I think they will be bummed, and I hate that a positive decision for myself has a negative effect on others.

Welcome Meshellrn. Sorry you are so sad Moss. Thanks to you all for being here. Turnagain and Resolve, your posts were great - I wish I could have read last night.

[Icanwithoutacan]

So many honest posts here. I have to be honest. I did not make it tonight. There has not been alcohol in the house this week, but today my husband had the kids empty an ice chest that had been in his truck from a party a few weeks ago (beer) into the refrigerator. I heard him tell them to do it, and it truly never crossed my mind to drink it. It wasn't my "brand" and I didn't even have the craving at home. I told you all how I had been experiencing the craving at public events, but home was completely fine...NO CRAVING... anyway, today I posted earlier how I had been to that brunch and dodged that bullet and been dodging bullets all weekend...... so for some reason this afternoon I started thinking about having a drink at home (which was my normal MO, but had not bothered me all week) then I remembered the AL in the fridge....again NOT my brand. I really tried you guys. I want you to know that . I went to church, and prayed that I would not have the craving. I drank a NA beer when I got back , hoping that would stop me. It didn't. I have had a few. Nothing severe, but surely not what I am trying for. My goal is total abstinence. I am sorry to have to report this, but I felt like I should be honest and come back tomorrow rather than go on a huge drinking hiatus again.

Moss I am thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace with your family.
ABC- I am so impressed with your resolve. Don't drink AT your ex. I did that so many times, and it didn't change anything. I am so proud of you, and I look to your posts and so many others for support.
I will be right back here tomorrow for support and to work out the triggers that I caved in to this time. I hope no one minds that.

[available]

Kensho do not worry what others think about you not drinking. Its not their life they are saving and making better, you are doing this for you and your family. What they think and feel is really unimportant. If they cant handle your not drinking then they can deal with it. Why do you think you not drinking is going to be negative for these people? did you dance naked on the tables and you wont do that anymore? No one will care, as long as they are drinking, initially they may pressure you but that will pass. You dont need to drink.

Ican, i am not sure what to say. Relapse starts long before that drink is drunk. Ask yourself what those drinks did for you. Maybe they silenced those al thoughts but they will come back again, so what will you do next time. We all have to live with al in our lives, it is everywhere, what we need is a strategy to deal with it when these moments arise. As i said before putting ourselves in social situations where al is involved in the early days is not a good idea. We need to distance ourselves from al for awhile until our bodies and minds are stronger, so that we can win against al. Why did you not come on here? I find when i ask that question, the answer to that is that you already decided to drink and if you came onto mwo then you may have been talked out of it. Our al brains will always win if we are feeling weak and overwhelmed. It is hard to not give in but the oldies on here have been in the same situations as the newbies, we started off the same, we went through exactly the same as everyone else but we used all of our strategies, we asked or begged for help, we realised that we could not do this alone and to ask for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of immense strength to reach out. Use every tool you have in your arsenal to not drink Ican or al will always win. I am glad you are back.

[Icanwithoutacan]

I will think about all that Ava- but yes, I should have come here and begged . I had already decided to drink .... I was tired of fighting the war in my brain and gave up. Sad but the truth - today will be rough. I will not drink today and I will check in throughout the day ....Lav I think you are right about the meditation CDs - I'll pull them out . Thanks again Ava

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters,

Cloudy & chilly here again, oh well.

Ican, you absolutely have to adopt a zero tolerance policy towards AL. Repeating the same old behaviors will keep you stuck forever. Ask your husband to store his beer somewhere out of your sight - I did & I wasn't even a beer drinker.

Cowboy, my drinking career was all about drinking at my husband & 'self-medicating' for emotional pain relief. Sounds incredibly dumb now but it was what it was. I had to emotionally disconnect myself from him & all the turmoil he was causing. Accepting that I couldn't change him was difficult but it was the only way to save my bacon. He needed to work thru his BS too & in order to do that he left the premises for four years. I had been AF a little over a year at the time & he took off without a word of warning. He's back now, our relationship is quite different, it is what it is & I'm OK with that. I'm telling you all this because you get to choose who you want to keep in your life. Some people are keepers & some are not. Of course you want a relationship with your daughter & you will find a way without allowing your ex to walk all over you. I wish you the best & know that you will keep your quit, no matter what! AL never helps resolve any situation, we know that now

Wishing everyone a good AF Monday!

Lav

[frances]

Hi all - had a very busy weekend and chatted with a friend who has addiction problems. She was AF for 5 years and decided it was time to drink again. That was around a year ago and she very quickly got into a situation where she was drinking daily, sneaking alcohol, it was constantly on her mind, etc etc. - she knew she had to stop. It was hard and took her a few months but finally, about 3 months ago, she stopped again. When I talked to her Saturday she told me she is going on a cruise and is worried because she really wants to drink. She's thinking she can drink there and stop again. I warned her against it - told her she knows better and remember last time she started again it was only going to be on rare occasions, etc.?? She said she hopes she doesn't drink but she is worried she might. If anyone has advice I can give her please let me know. I told her to have a plan in place. The way she was talking it didn't sound very convincing that she won't drink. She was hedging her words - "I'll try", etc. - it worries me. I wish I knew what I could say.

I also found myself thinking over the weekend that I really wasn't that bad, I can control it now, etc. - that has been happening more often lately. I do know better. I will be more diligent about getting on here each day to make sure I stay on to of my sobriety!!

[Icanwithoutacan]

Man alcohol is a son of a bitch !
Zero tolerance I like it Lav
I just can't believe with as good as I was feeling last week that I could have thought drinking was a good idea - I just cannot connect the two

[Samstone]

Hi all, not the best weekend for me, and my thoughts are basically along the line of "where is the balance in life between remaining super, daily vigilant about my sobriety vs. easing off the gas pedal, and gradually re-orienting myself back into more 'normal' thoughts and activities during the day"?

Don't get me wrong for a minute, I am not wavering slightly- TOTAL ABSTINENCE IS THE ONLY WAY. I would rather chew on a rock as opposed to have a drink of alcohol - being sober is everything to me and I am loving it, more every day, but my ex knows my buttons and when to push them and she was playing a symphony this weekend! I swear at times, the only purpose in my life, is to outlive her so that I can dance naked in the rain and piss on her headstone! But, that is not making ammends, is it? Would make one hell of a youtube video though lol

However, the thoughts I have now are rather more... "At some point can I safely think about AL a little less, while my irrevocable decision to quit, remains just that, irrevocable"? More specifically, after a certain level of sobriety is reached, does continual focus on AL, maybe become counter-productive? And, possibly keeping thoughts of AL in my head a bit too frequently, do I risk that this continual thought of AL, could lead me to that fateful weak moment? I doubt it as I know AF is the only way for me...but... I guess everyone's journey to total sobriety in this group will be different. In my case, I've never had a serious relapse since I started, just two 4 hour slips. And, this is my only serious quit in my entire life. So, I really don't know what the right course is? I don't kid my self that this terrible war is even close to being decisively won. Ask me in about 5 years, and I may have a slightly clearer direction. Believe me, these are very recent thoughts over recent happenings. I've stayed glued to MWO and other resources, day and night over the weekend. I can't imagine getting to the point where I am at, without the wonderful souls here. And, as I type this, I wonder if I risk being a bit complacent? I don't feel cocky about achieving this level of sobriety. This question of mine is all about successfully charting my next period of sobriety and how I should think about handling it? Walk away from the anxiety of dealing with my ex, which would also mean stepping back from our daughter....make her force her mom to help her as Dad has now said "no more" or just let the ex get her way again....then deal with my thoughts of "maybe just one?" I know the best place I can be right now is here, MWO, talking to friends who have lived the lies, fought the demon, and came out on top! This is a battle I know I can win, but why is it so damn hard! God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....

Cowboy, I think that it is very important to stay in "the here and in the present" don't look ahead and don't look behind. I believe that one of things to learn and sometimes it ain't easy from what people throw at us. If every action creates a reaction, there's a never ending cycle. Of course I'm not saying to lie and play dead, but maybe let things "exist" for awhile.

Well done on your determination to enjoy being sober! Beats the heck out of the alternative.
Sam

[Suek]

Man alcohol is a son of a bitch !
Zero tolerance I like it Lav
I just can't believe with as good as I was feeling last week that I could have thought drinking was a good idea - I just cannot connect the two

I absolutely agree! Zero tolerance is the only way!
While only on day nine, of only the second time I have tried AF......I remember what happened when I decided I COULD handle moderation.....all the hard work went by the wayside and instantly with the first drink! I was AF over a year before I gave into the demon thought...but WOW, the stuff is powerful! I am done! Not tricking me again! Took Several years to try again. So many excuses!

But here now, and so happy to be smarter this time...I HOPE!

Suek