Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

AB, I'm going to insert some text here into your note...commentary from the peanut gallery will be in red....however, it comes from bitter experience.

Hi all, not the best weekend for me, and my thoughts are basically along the line of "where is the balance in life between remaining super, daily vigilant about my sobriety vs. easing off the gas pedal, and gradually re-orienting myself back into more 'normal' thoughts and activities during the day"? WE ARE NOT NORMAL. WE WILL NEVER BE NORMAL WHERE AL IS CONCERNED. We cannot go back into to society as is nothing happened...why? Because socially, AL is advocated, advertised and accepted. The whole world is pushing this stuff that we cannot have. We must get up every single morning and vow to ourselves that our quit is priority #1. Please notice that most of the long termers check in daily, some many times a day!

Don't get me wrong for a minute, I am not wavering slightly- TOTAL ABSTINENCE IS THE ONLY WAY. I would rather chew on a rock as opposed to have a drink of alcohol - being sober is everything to me and I am loving it, more every day, but my ex knows my buttons and when to push them and she was playing a symphony this weekend! TRIGGER!!!!!I swear at times, the only purpose in my life, is to outlive her so that I can dance naked in the rain and piss on her headstone! But, that is not making ammends, is it? Would make one hell of a youtube video though lol

However, the thoughts I have now are rather more... "At some point can I safely think about AL a little less, while my irrevocable decision to quit, remains just that, irrevocable"? More specifically, after a certain level of sobriety is reached, does continual focus on AL, maybe become counter-productive? And, possibly keeping thoughts of AL in my head a bit too frequently, do I risk that this continual thought of AL, could lead me to that fateful weak moment? NO, keep what happened front and center, otherwise Dick Head will creep back in. But you can play Offense, not Defense. Put yourself in the service of helping others climb out of this hole and it turns it aroundI doubt it as I know AF is the only way for me...but... I guess everyone's journey to total sobriety in this group will be different NOT REALLY. In my case, I've never had a serious relapse since I started, just two 4 hour slips. Umm, this is a relapse. This is like being pregnant, you are or you aren't...slips count. And, this is my only serious quit in my entire life. So, I really don't know what the right course is? I don't kid my self that this terrible war is even close to being decisively won. Ask me in about 5 years, and I may have a slightly clearer direction. Believe me, these are very recent thoughts over recent happenings. I've stayed glued to MWO and other resources, day and night over the weekend. I can't imagine getting to the point where I am at, without the wonderful souls here. And, as I type this, I wonder if I risk being a bit complacent? I don't feel cocky about achieving this level of sobriety. This question of mine is all about successfully charting my next period of sobriety and how I should think about handling it? Walk away from the anxiety of dealing with my ex, which would also mean stepping back from our daughter....make her force her mom to help her as Dad has now said "no more" or just let the ex get her way again....then deal with my thoughts of "maybe just one?" TRIGGER, WARNING WILL ROBINSON! You didn't have these thoughts until the EX triggered them. I know the best place I can be right now is here, MWO, talking to friends who have lived the lies, fought the demon, and came out on top! This is a battle I know I can win, but why is it so damn hard! God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....

Cowboy, you are having major triggers and it is causing you to question things. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO WITHDRAW FROM US IT IS THE TIME TO GLUE YOURSELF IN. Gosh, I wish I had a nickel for every time I have seen this post! (plus I DID IT MYSELF). When the going gets tough, the tough cave in! DO NOT let this happen to you! I have a customer that I say that same thing about....my only goal in life is to out live the man. He is an ass hat. His head is so far up his own ass a good surgeon couldn't find it. I loathe the man, but I have to be nice to him because I need his business. He is a trigger for me in every way. I could EASILY drink at him, in fact, he has been one of the only people in my real life to really PUSH a drink on me. I think he WANTS me to cave....therefore, I WILL NOT DO IT. My best revenge is to remain doing what I am doing. Yes, getting and STAYING sober takes work, and I'm willing to do it. If you think you are spending too much time THINKING about AL now, wait til you start drinking again, it will be an all consuming force!!! Things will slow down in your head....we didn't get here overnight and it takes some time to dig out. You are early in your sobriety still....give time time to work its magic. Hang in there. She will get her rewards at some point...maybe I should have MY guy call your EX? Hugs dear man, Byrdie

[Elvis]

Cowboy, if that video ever makes it onto Youtube, be sure to post it. The mental image made me laugh, especially the part about it raining for some reason.

Welcome back Meshell. If the word forever scares you, instead commit to yourself to not drink for the next 200 years. One year's not going to cut it, unless you only plan on living another 364 days.

Ican, glad you came back so quickly instead of disappearing and drinking for the next few weeks. Use this as a learning experience. Take some time to really think about why you drank and what you could have done differently, and then come up with a plan for next time you find yourself in that situation.

frances, not sure what to say about your crusing friend. She needs to make her own choices, but hopefully she makes the right one. Let her know you care about her and are worried about her. I was on a cruise this summer and I was surprised how easy it is not to drink. There was so much to do, I'm not even sure how people found time to drink. On the crusie I was on, you had to pay for alcoholic drinks and sodas, but they had free flavored water that was absolutely delicious. Tasted like you were drinking tropical fruit juices. That's an option, as well as asking the bartender for a virgin drink or NA beer. Don't buy any drink packages that include alcohol.

[See the Light]

Cowboy- Powerful post.now you have one more reason to stay sober (I'll skip the video though, thanks)...But you know the key here is the to let the past go..Its hard because its a test..you can push though this as they say ...

Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.

Live for today, and keep inspiring us with your posts

[KENSHO]

Thank you LAV, that is exactly what I needed to hear. It's not THEIR life, it's mine. And I have to live with my decisions. I've proven that "one little drink" doesn't work. I've proven that I am not happy while drinking. I know that any alcohol turns me into a desperate, obsessive, sneaky, distant, shadow of myself with alcohol being top priority for the day. I've adjusted my priorities, and I like my life so much better without alcohol. So being in the company of others who are regularly imbibing - well. Not my cup of tea, but it's the trip we take every Thanksgiving. My strategy will be to spend lots of time with the kids. They pine for my attention, and here's my opportunity to take them to the park, go on walks, do play dough, paint, watch movies, swim, etc.

The thing is that everyone here has learned that drinking doesn't work for people like us. There is no scenario that ANY alcohol will EVER work, period. If you are here, it is because you have tried to stop or moderate and have ended up drinking as much or more as before. The end to the drinking story is not happy - and we KNOW IT. The damn voice wiggles its way into our daily lives ANY way it can - and boy did it almost have me this weekend.

This is why I NEED this support system to correct my faulty thinking when AL brain begins to take over. Even though I didn't have the ability to log on during my struggle, I found myself repeating things I know you would have said - and it helped. SO thank you all!

And keep up the great work Rednose! Ican - glad you came right back and are ready to take a look at what went wrong. You will beat this thing if you can come back and keep fighting. Only the highest respect!

[Icanwithoutacan]

I know exactly what went wrong, I still think I can moderate or that I can control alcohol. I watched all those people drinking this weekend and thought I was like them. I am not - I am absolutely powerless over alcohol - have been since my first drink and always will be - POWERLESS. Just like anyone with an allergy can't control their reaction to allergens neither can I - it's NEVER going to happen . I think I finally see that . I have to get serious about this and know alcohol is not an option ever. It's a total mind shift

[KENSHO]

That's the AL voice sneaking in to say - "You can be like them" and "You can have one drink". But you can't, and neither can I, and neither can the vast majority of people on this site. It's a sucky realization that we can't have a normal relationship with alcohol - BUT WE CAN'T. It is a hard thing to realize and admit, but once we do - let the bastard die and be buried and move on with life.

[Matt M.]

Good stuff here as usual, was on shift yesterday(Sunday) and the natives were restless in the area we cover. It's amazing how many of our calls/responses are Alcohol related, medical issues from drinking, car accidents, assaults, shootings, stabbings, it really floors me when I sit back and look at it.
Hopefully I can get a little rest and get caught up here.
One thing that stuck out while browsing was Cowboys post and byrd response.
Cowboy~ I believe you when you say you would rather eat rocks than drink, yet Byrd is So right these thoughts and feelings are major triggers.
It's so easy for the Al mind to take over, even if we think there is no way. Reminds me of the story in the big book of AA, about the guy that was doing so well with his sobriety, yet found a way to justify having whiskey by adding some milk to it. Well 10 whiskey and milks later he was right back. The crazy thing is even though he felt strong and confident, he still list that mind game/ battle with Al! I too hate the thought of a life long battle with this, yet I know it may not be a battle, so to say, we must stay on the offense.
Thank's for sharing your thoughts cowboy, good stuff

[NoSugar]

Ican, You are not powerless at all - whether you take a drink is entirely in your control. That is one of the good things about this disorder: we know how to prevent it from being expressed. There are all sorts of diseases that probably have an environmental trigger and the people could quit suffering if only they knew what it was so they could avoid it. We know!

ABCowboy, I think it's interesting that you're thinking of backing away from MWO and AA at the same time you've experienced some cravings due to personal frustration. Like others have said, maintaining your involvement with a sober community is important, with the amount of time and energy you commit varying with what else is going on in your life.

But right now is not a good time to test your limits. I'm not sure how long you've been AF so I can't comment on that but my experience has been that things just evolve over time. You don't have to decide that at time X, you'll devote Y hours to your sobriety but by time W, only Z minutes. You'll know what you need and what you have to give as time goes on. Just don't start dismantling your support network when you need it most -- that sounds like something your AL brain would think was a good idea!

[Resolve]

Greetings all on what is a cold, rainy blah day here...must be Monday!

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments from my weekend post. When I hit up the boards on Saturday evening I had already effectively shut down my night by doing what worked for me. I had a long day of travel and enough uncomfortable conversations, so excusing myself from joining the festivities was what I needed for me. Retreating to my hotel room and coming here actually felt good and really reinforced being accountable while sticking to my plan. Though I had some pretty strong white-knuckling cravings to have a drink(ssssss), I never walked too far down that path (and fortunately no mini bar in my room to tempt me like that god awful scene in Flight). I think everyone there probably understood that it was a highly awkward day for me on many levels and that laying low made sense. I dislike that I've made others in turn feel uncomfortable, and though I've given them every reason to always wonder or suspect if I'm sloshed, I will never put anyone in that situation again. I should start a thread on public humiliation but will refrain...although it could be a good motivator of what not to do.

ICan - I understand having that day relapse. Don't beat yourself up too much and just press forward. You dusted off and here you are. I've learned that when I stopped in August I thought of it more as "stop drinking?" with emphasis on the question. I now know thanks to my relapse that it's not a question but an answer. Our only questions are how do we keep pushing through since we at least know the answer but maybe not the way. And the infinite wisdom and support here are without question helping those like us (which would be everybody here).

Byrd - your words are true gems and I especially like the barfing smiley!

Let's all stay strong, focused and just do our best.

[meshellrn]

Hi Everyone,

Day 2 feeling pretty good so far. I like the post about taking one day/step at a time. so true. Happy Monday. Lets do this, many of you are already and are very inspiring!!!

[rednose]

So here I am again starting over at day one.

A friend stopped by unannounced to watch the football game with me last night. Of course he brought beer. He had no idea that I had decided to quit drinking so I can’t blame him.
So of course being the ass I am I had to have a beer with him and you all know the rest of the story. 1 sound safe enough, but after six beers I feel like crap this morning.
Not only do I fell like crap physically I get to go through the remorse, shame, anger and self loathing.
Alcohol has done nothing positive in my life yet I keep going back to the well for more poison.
Needless to say I am pissed at myself to say the least. How many day ones do I have to endure before I get this right.
I think the feelings of failure are worse than the drinking.
Sorry to be a downer but it is how I feel this morning. fml

rednose

[Icanwithoutacan]

Let's do this together Red! I feel like crap today also .... But I now know I can never drink again. It's like Resolve said, I know the answer is to stop drinking now I just need to stay here and figure out how

[roxane]

ican, type in 'rain in my heart' in youtube. have a few hours to watch it.

[blackflag]

Ican and red, glad you both came back to mwo so quickly, now you can put this behind you and move on.
I know last time it happened to me, it took me months to come back.
Tonight I should be at my night school class but I've given it a miss. My time wasn't wasted as I have applied for a new job and am now cooking some nice herby chicken.
My house mates and friends are all at a pub quiz, obviously that's a no no for me. Happy that I'm sober and feeling relaxed

[See the Light]

I wish all those in their first week here again the best experience possible.. I have found myself “white-knuckling” it day after day through my recent journey and frankly found it to be a miserable experience. Where I think I am starting to turn a corner is that I am now shooting for sobriety, not just abstinence. I found that for while even after I quit drinking, I was resentful and bitter because I was giving something up….something those around me could still “enjoy”. But I was missing the bigger picture…that there is so much more to enjoy WITHOUT alcohol. Sobriety is a goal in my life where I am not only free of the addiction but also moving towards complete physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health….a complete life style change that I don’t feel like I am missing anything that alcohol can provide. So stopping drinking is a great thing….unless you feel it is only is the only part. Bad habits can return fast and life will poke you every day to find a reason to drink…healing your mind and body so you can defend yourself with absolute strength will be when true victory is realized (even though the war will never be over, you will know you can win each battle easier and easier each time). Best wishes.