Newbies Nest

[Matt M.]

Matt, I've been thinking about you.

You heard it here a woman had been thinking about me!

Ok seriously Thanks Ken! You know your in my to 5.
I'm so glad you and your husband are doing well, takes so much stress away! As much shit as I started and put my wife through over the years, is unbelievable. It is hard because when we're drinking we require a lot of attention, then when we're trying to clean up, we then want affection and pity from the ones we love the most. If that makes sense. My wife does not throw things in my face from the past. I feel as if I owe her, I'm going to do that with action, the best I can.

BTW~ I would rather have my genitals gnawed by a pit bull, than drive 14 hours with kids. Just sayin....

Have little lady and Stay Hard!

[TJAF]

Hello All! Doing my random drive-by. As for me, I'm on day 483 and so far drunkenness has plain eluded me. BTW I'm good with that. With Thanksgiving coming up fast I thought I would offer some strategies to survive. Hopefully those of you who are far wiser than me can offer some up as well.

Argggggh I don't want to spend Thanksgiving alone (not that my family would let me) and its a day to eat and drink. What to do.

1. Take inventory of your support network. Have phone numbers loaded in and websites saved for immediate access. The Holiday's are tough on alkies no matter what. Leaning on your support should be a no brainer
2. If you can, stick to dinner with close Friends and Family. Allow yourself to be relaxed its much easier to avoid booze when you are not stressed out. If cooking or entertaining stress you out let someone else host and/or cook.
3. Its up to you to tell folks about your little secret. If everyone knows you are struggling with alcohol than its a bit easier but, it isn't mandatory that you confess to Aunt Sally and Uncle Fred. Just tell folks that you aren't drinking and keep your hands full with your favorite non-alcoholic beverage.
3. Give yourself an out if you are stressing. Needing to leave early to feed a pet is perfectly ok.
4. Enjoy the holiday for what it is. Tell jokes, laugh, reminisce. Try and remember how the day was before you started to drink.
5. No Sugar will kill me but its a holiday! Enjoy the food/deserts without guilt. I'd rather you have another slice of pumpkin pie than an after dinner drink.

At the end of the day remember that come Friday you will not have a horrendous hangover, you will not have insulted uncle Freddy ( at least not in a drunken stupor). You will not have passed out drunk headfirst on the table in front of the mashed potatoes. You will not have removed your clothes in a drunken haze thinking you are heading off to bed. ( I've seen it happen). On a more serious note you will not have been arrested for DUI, would not have caused a accident because you were drunk, will not have hit your loved ones in a drunken rage. Good luck everyone. Happy Holidays

[Pinecone]

Hi Friends, just a quick check in from me.

Matt and Kensho relationships are not for sissies! It does get difficult sometimes.

Hi TJAF!

[narilly]

Matt, Ken, everyone, my hubby and I went to counselling so many times and the subject of drinking never came up. It is kind of funny now because most of our 'shit' was because of drinking. I said to my husband that the counsellor should have asked "what part does AL play in your fighting? do you mainly fight when you are drinking?" The answer would have been YES! We could have saved so much money and just stopped drinking instead.
Crazy what AL does to relationships!

Hi TJAF, good words of wisdom.

Gotta go.

[Resolve]

Matt - I'm glad you worked through your tough weekend times by approaching things differently during your grit moments. By having the awareness that without changing up how you were going to deal with it, this may have otherwise played out all too familiarly with past actions. But the fact that you controlled it with your new found, hard fought for perspective, and approaching it as you haven't before, is serious kudos to you my friend. I've found one of the really cool aspects of being sober is handling something differently and in a rationale manner now that you know with complete certainty you would have only dealt with under the influence previously. It's a confidence boost and good seratonin moment to know that you achieved a victory even if with a bit of how'd I pull that off murmuring under your breath (at least murmuring for me).

It sounds like underlying part or much of this is your wife and relationship with her. That I can certainly relate to and wish I had some answers or insight. Kensho said it well in that we have to deal with all the lingering shat that we created in our relationship that takes time to work through. Spousal peace and reconnecting when the third-party of booze was in the relationship is complicated. I've been attempting dual-tracking both sobriety and rebooting spousal harmony, but right now I can tell you the latter is the bigger challenge while staying sober has been easier at this juncture in the road. As odd as this may sound, I'd prefer to flip this current state around on its ass while eventually getting both in a good place. And ironically I used to believe relationship harmony and sobriety were mutually exclusive because drinking in fact helped out on the relationship front. Of course just one of the many flaws in my drinking logic.

Looking forward to hearing about the week ahead and/or positive (or not, as long as sober) holiday recaps from all!

[MossRose]

And ironically I used to believe relationship harmony and sobriety were mutually exclusive because drinking in fact helped out on the relationship front. Of course just one of the many flaws in my drinking logic

Oh my, Resolve. I thought that way right into a divorce. Glad you figured it out in time. My ex and I managed to escalate every situation into an AL fueled crisis. Nasty business. I much prefer how things are now. My relationships are still difficult at times, but without AL, they seem to work out somehow. Maybe people sense now that I'm telling the truth or something. I had so many secrets when I was drinking. All I know is that it's better. You have some tough times ahead of you. I wish I could tell you something lovely, but the truth is that regaining trust takes hard work and time. But it's so satisfying when you get there. I wish that for you. Stay strong.

Quiet night here, which is always a good thing. I talked at length with my brother's GF tonight. She said he is having extreme anxiety. His PET scan is Wednesday, and he is scared. I made her promise that they would come to Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's. He can still eat if he does it slowly. I know my brother. We are a lot alike. He's an isolator when he's down, so I told her to make sure he comes and that it's ok if he is quiet. My brother has always been the one with a joke, the one who makes others laugh. I know he's not up to that this year, so I hope he comes and just lets us love him. He doesn't have to DO anything. I just want him to be there.

Have a good night all. Dinner is just about done so I am off.

[open halo]

I need to stop drinking, have been here before and am back. God how many times am I going to stop and start again, getting tired of the rollercoaster..This is my first time on the new site, it seems difficult to navigate, but alas that is one of my problems, not being able to adapt to change very readily....

[little beagle]

It's so good to read here. It keeps me strong hearing how everyone else is doing it
Matt resolving feelings left over from actions ot lack of actions taken during drinking, well that takes time. My hubby and I are working on that issue and I see us working on this for awhile. But the key word IS working.
I heard this the other day and thought I would share it.
Telling yourself that you can drink occasionally or on special occasions is like telling a dog it can get on the sofa, but only on Tuesdays. Well every day is Tuesday as far as the dog is concerned and every day is a special occasion as far as your addictive voice is concerned.
Congrats Ican. Resisting that AV and driving away.
Thinking of you Ava.

[NoSugar]

telling yourself that you can drink occasionally or on special occasions is like telling a dog it can get on the sofa, but only on tuesdays. Well every day is tuesday as far as the dog is concerned and every day is a special occasion as far as your addictive voice is concerned.

I love that, LB! And not to put down dogs, but our limbic brains are our most primitive, animal-like brains. Just like a dog acts to satisfy its needs and desires without much ability to anticipate consequences, so does our limbic brain. We often write about that brain as being evil and destructive, but really, it is doing just what it evolved to do - keep us and the species alive - with part of that being to procreate and seek food and shelter (such as a comfortable couch). Just like a pup, that part of our brain has no sense of the date or time or whether it is a special occasion - if it feels good, it just wants to do it! So we've just got to re-wire our brains so that the rational brain is able to consistently be in control - not just in the mornings when we're full of regret for what again happened the night before when the limbic brain's out-of-control drive for pleasure was too strong.

[Pavati]

Hi, Everyone:

Great relationship advice, Resolve! I actually didn't fight with my husband when drinking, but was much more sensitive and likely to get very upset when I wasn't drinking. Less confidence, more looking outward instead of inward, and more trying to deflect my own self criticism while criticizing him. Thank goodness that is over.

A friend of mine follows Pema Chodron via email, and I read today's email and right away thought of sharing it with you all.


How To Build Your Inner Strength
You build inner strength through embracing the totality of your experience, both the delightful parts and the difficult parts. Embracing the totality of your experience is one definition of having loving-kindness for yourself. Loving-kindness for yourself does not mean making sure you’re feeling good all the time—trying to set up your life so that you’re comfortable every moment. Rather, it means setting up your life so that you have time for meditation and self-reflection, for kindhearted, compassionate self-honesty. In this way you become more attuned to seeing when you’re biting the hook, when you’re getting caught in the undertow of emotions, when you’re grasping and when you’re letting go. This is the way you become a true friend to yourself just as you are, with both your laziness and your bravery. There is no step more important than this.

TJAF thanks for that list. I believe it is true that we need to be extra vigilant. If I can convince myself that a Monday after Open House is a special occasion, I am sure that limbic brain could convince me that the "holidays" are a reason to drink. Thank goodness I don't drink!

Mossy - I understand you want to see your brother. Will it be your whole family? When a close family member of mine had cancer she wanted to save her strength to see her very special loved ones. Maybe you could go visit your brother the day after if he doesn't want to make it to the big party?

Ava - Thinking of you.

xo
Pav

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Glad to be in one piece after caring for & feeding my two crazy grandsons & my granddaughter to boot! I hadn't planned on all this today but I got through ~ we all lived, LOL

Hello & welcome back open halo!
Get yourself into the Tool box & start reading. There's lots of great ideas in there to help you put your plan together. Kicking AL out of my life was the best thing I have ever done & you can do it too

Matt, I am a lot of things but not even in the same ball park as Amazing Grace. But I thank you
Glad things are coming together for you on the home front. Be patient & have faith that everything will come together. I know it will

NS, that rewiring of the brain takes some time. I imagine the timing is different for all of us. That's why I gently try to remind folks not to expect perfection immediately. All good things take time, right? Keeping the faith was one of the things I found difficult in the beginning. That & learning to trust myself once again.

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[narilly]

Pav, I am stalking you!

Thinking of you Ava and Mossy. Really hope things turn out ok.

OH, glad you are here, one day ata time, right? Don't drink tonight.

LilB, that was a great quote, I agree with NS.

Goodnight everyone

[Resolve]

Halo, You're in good company here and sounds like you're ready for this to be your last ride. Are you AF now or working on a plan? Since you've been here before you know reaching out is a great step forward. I've found reading, putting yourself out there by posting and really listening will help tremendously towards achieving that final stop.

Welcome back.

[available]

Hi Nesters

Welcome Halo and you are in the best place to give up al.

Well i am exhausted, sometimes I think it is way more stressful for the friends and family of the sick than the sick! I hope that doesnt sound selfish but damn its been a hard few weeks. Robert made it through his surgery and is now in ICU. It was sheer relief to see him alive this morning and I know the hard bits are to follow with his recovery but we can deal with that. The main problem is i cant make him laugh as it hurts, so serious we shall be for a few weeks. It will be lovely to see him blossom and be the man he was before cancer took hold. He is terminal but if he can have a few years of a good life then this has been worth it. I passed on everyones well wishes and he was so appreciative that he was thought of from all over the world.

Mum doesnt have cancer, woo hoo but i really didnt take in what she has. I think i will deal with that one tomorrow.

As for now i am going for a walk to gather my self and my thoughts.

I have done all of this sober guys, this is what sobriety has given me, the strength and emotional stability to be in the here and now and to be the strength when they have none left. Al took that away. Never think that al will solve your stress or frustrations or hurt, pain and anger. To deal with this sober has been the biggest gift i have given to myself and the ones i love.

[Guitarista]

Great stuff Ava.

All the best to your mum and Robert. And take good care of you my friend.

Take it easy out there Nesters. G