Newbies Nest

[narilly]

Pav, I wish I could snuggle up with you for your show. Hope your night was good.
Xo

[BeachGirly]

Check in - thx Available for the support.
Today has been a good day. My councoler suggested I change habits as well. And find an alternative drink to put in my wine glass. One that is really good. ( haven't found that yet, I picked some fake sweetened thing - yuck)
I kept very busy this eve - and it worked.
I agree with your comment regarding not even having one.
My STOP button does not work after one.
I am not a normal drinker - like you mentioned.

Thx for your thoughts and support!

[available]

Oko a big congratulations on 4 months. Still plenty of ups and downs but i was starting to see some end to the cravings/urges by then. i still wanted to poke peoples eyes out with a hot poker sometimes! i found from 4 to 7/8 months an emotional time, learning how to really deal with everyday life sober as there was no going back. Very proud of you.

Good work Beachy, every sober day is a good day. i put all my wine glasses away, i didnt have a favourite as i kept dropping them but at the time they were all my favourites. now they only come out to play when i have visitors.

i seemed to stay in my pjs a lot when i got home and did a lot off reading on here, shopped before work and hibernated. i was not putting myself near temptation in the early weeks. This is a very hard time of year to stop drinking but pav and i managed it and look where we are now. There is no need for the 'fark its" as i call them, its pure grit and determination and keeping on here.

i drank a lot of iced tea and coffee and ate a lot of sugar. As long as i didnt drink everything else was okay. Different things work for us, you will find what is right for you.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & happy Sunday to all

BeachGirly, changing habits is what helps us keep our quits!
Lots of inspiration in the Tool box, be sure to check it out. Learning to love & respect ourselves takes a lot of work but it all becomes habit & you'll never be sorry.

Greetings to all & sending wishes for a wonderful AF Sunday !

Lav

[Fin]

Good Morning, All and Welcome BeachGirly. I'm up before the family and headed out for a coffee then masters swim workout. So awesome to be looking forward to the session vs. dreading due to hangover. Yes!

Been thinking a lot about an upcoming company party on Tues. Our little company is four people + spouses who are all very sophisticated foodies and drinkers. They're not at all heavy drinkers, but I'm dreading being the odd man out. It makes me realize what a people pleaser I am. I also don't want to make my wife feel uncomfortable. I know it's a time to be selfish, but I'm struggling. I was thinking about telling them before we even get to the restaurant that I'm recovering and won't be drinking. I know them pretty well after 7 years of working (remotely) together, but I don't want that information looming over the evening. What have others done? This sort of situation is what takes me down every time.

Oh, and BeachGirl, I bought a Soda Stream for making all kinds of tasty fizzy drinks. I love it. It makes carbonated water and a splash of juice has been a great beer substitute. Maybe for wine too?

Trying to develop a holiday plan,
-Fin

[daisy45]

Fin, don't overthink it. They won't be as bothered as you may think.
It is up to you whether you want to 'out' yourself....that is something only you can decide.
For me, only recently I have very openly admitted I have a problem and if asked if I am drinking, I say that I like the sober me better. That does not lead to a lot of questions and leaves food for thought for the person asking.
Relish the dinner and eat your fill.....really helps!

[Byrdlady]

Fin, Rahul told a story many months ago that stuck with me. He had broken a rather long quit and was sitting in the airport lounge "crying in his beer" so to speak. Looking back over things with Guilt/Shame/Remorse (like we do). He notices a dignitary come in to the loung. Some important man with a whole entourage of people stepping and moving to his every word. He sat down....and ordered TEA. There should be NO shame in what you are drinking or NOT drinking. I think in Rahul's eyes, the man who ordered tea rose to an even greater level of resect than if he had ordered some mind altering drink. The moments by which we measure life are by the people and places we experience, not by what's in the glass. If anyone asks (and odds are good they wont) tell them it bothers your acid reflux or you are driving. Also, get the wife on board so she can have your back. This really helps! Dont let peer pressure derail you from your goal....these other people dont have to live with the torture that we do when we fall. Try to see them as caricatures on a Christmas Story. (You'll shoot your eye out, kid). 'Oh JUST ONE wont hurt you,' says the lady who's already had 5. 'OH come on!!! Its CHRISTMAS!' Says the man who wishes he were you and not having any. You have a lot riding on your ability to say no....so have your story ready and please get Mrs Fin on board, too!

We will help you, you've got my number, call me if you need to!!! Getting thru these parties has to be done at some point, so this mays well be it, right? Right! We will be right by your side....(standing next to the salt and pepper shakers). You can do this! Byrdie

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

Fin - I could have written that post myself. My worry in the beginning was how it would make others feel - would the whole situation be awkward because no one knew what to say or do because I'm not drinking (cue sound of stereo needle scratching across a record - silence). In the early days at holiday parties no one ever asked what was in my glass - think about it. Do you ask others? if I was in a smaller group with pretty good friends I just said I decided to have a sober December because I am prone to seasonal depression and was wondering if I would feel better without alcohol. Some people asked me if I did feel better (yes), and others just went on to the next subject. It was anything but awkward - people said they admired me for being able to do it (I think a lot of people regret the amount they drink around this time). The medicine/illness thing works really well, too.

And FINALLY - even if it did make others feel uncomfortable, it just doesn't matter. It is YOUR health, YOUR body, YOUR mind you need to be concerned about. If others are uncomfortable it is on them. (I know, easier said than done).

I went to a holiday party last night and I will say I had to say no a lot, in particular to one guy who kept trying to top off my water with white wine. A sort of friend of mine who I believe does drink too much kept saying "she doesn't drink - did you know that" very loudly, showing me that she is truly insecure in her own drinking. Honestly, even with her making more of a fuss about it than I would have, no one really cared. And MANY people told me how great I look (people I don't see very often). That will give anyone strength to carry on...

Happy Sober Sunday. What a great way to wake up with no regret. I enjoy this Sunday cup of coffee so much now!

Pav

[Elvis]

Hey Fin, don't worry about sticking out by not drinking, go to the party and have fun with your water or iced tea or soda or whatever non-alcoholic drink of your choice. When the waiter asks or your drink order, just order it normally and don't make a big deal. I bet no one notices or says anything. If they do and you don't feel comfortable outing yourself, just say that you don't drink alcohol anymore. That works for me. And if they keep pressing why, say you stopped drinking XX days ago and you liked it so much that you just kept doing it. I doubt they'll press you after that, and if they do, you've indulged them enough that you can change the subject without being rude, ask about their kids school play or their latest work project or whatever to get them talking about themselves.

"Just one" for me, and probably you, means I'll be right back where I was before. Stopping at the liquor store on the way home, hiding bottles and making excuses, and counting the minutes to the next fix. Trust me, I just went through that not that long ago, you don't want to go there again, you worked too hard to give it all up.

Have a great day everyone!

[Fin]

Thanks Daisy and Byrd and Pav. Great perspectives. Just back from the pool and realizing that I simply don't want to draw attention to myself this way. What I've done in the past is accept the bottle of beer only to dump it out and fill it with water and hold it in my hand so no one offers me another. However, this is such an intimate setting and we've had a spectacular year which will no doubt result in a glass of champagne waiting for me when we arrive at the table (as it has every year we've been building the business). I've gone so far as to think about calling the restaurant ahead of time and telling them to pour me some sparkling cider as a bait and switch. I'm overthinking it :-) again.

[Fin]

Hey Fin, don't worry about sticking out by not drinking, go to the party and have fun with your water or iced tea or soda or whatever non-alcoholic drink of your choice. When the waiter asks or your drink order, just order it normally and don't make a big deal. I bet no one notices or says anything. If they do and you don't feel comfortable outing yourself, just say that you don't drink alcohol anymore. That works for me. And if they keep pressing why, say you stopped drinking XX days ago and you liked it so much that you just kept doing it. I doubt they'll press you after that, and if they do, you've indulged them enough that you can change the subject without being rude, ask about their kids school play or their latest work project or whatever to get them talking about themselves.

"Just one" for me, and probably you, means I'll be right back where I was before. Stopping at the liquor store on the way home, hiding bottles and making excuses, and counting the minutes to the next fix. Trust me, I just went through that not that long ago, you don't want to go there again, you worked too hard to give it all up.

Have a great day everyone!

F'yeah, Elvis! You're right. I probably would end up at the drive-thru liquor store after tucking in my wife. And you're right, I DON'T want to go back to that place. I love your strategy of simply saying "I quit a week ago", etc and then redirect the conversation. Thank you! I'm sure I'll continue to struggle with this over the next couple of days, but I'm glad I've started now in terms of developing a strategy. Thanks SO much, you guys/gals. - Fin

[Fin]

I just can't. Plain and simple. I just can't drink, not even a sip. All I have to do is think back to May of 2013 when I had nearly 70 days logged. I had that one small glass of wine with my cousin who had an exceptional bottle to share. We were toasting my dad who had passed away two weeks before. Bam. I was right back where I started the next night. I don't want to go back there! Lesson learned, Fin. Don't be an idiot.

NoSugar gave me some links an addiction science YouTube video and Pod Casts last night. I'd seen the video before (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE) which newbies should check out. When I pulled it up, another one was recommended which I watched in its 53 min entirety. "The Roots of Addition". It was also fantastic. The panel is made up of medical docs, philosopher (recovering AL) and a neuroscientist (https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=7XtUF8mqrzM)

The neuroscientist (also recovered addict) and the philosopher in the group described my situation exactly as I've experienced it. One point that most strongly stuck with me is that our brains have picked up an irreversible learned behavior that's comparable to PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder. In other words, like someone who is effected for life by a bad memory, the addict has a similar effect when exposed to the chemical their brain as learned to crave. Cravings will cease, but the response to the stimulus if exposed to it again (taking a drink) will lead right back to where the learned behavior was prior to the quit. Exactly! That's been my experience.

The philosopher hadn't had a drink in 25 years and to the interviewer's surprise, she said she chose not to have even just one because while she thought she could handle it for a short time, she feared going all the way back. That's what we do, isn't it? Therefore, I cannot drink. My brain hasn't changed, only my resolve and that must be maintained for good.

[KENSHO]

I have good news and bad news (tail between legs). Bad news is that I seriously considered having a Christmas cheer drink last night at a party. BIG holiday party with my husband's work friends, who drink a LOT. I had it all figured out in my mind before we got there that I really could have just a tiny bit in a glass and keep it there ALL night and somehow that was ok (stupid AL).

Good news? This is the crowd that I attended a small gathering with in August when quitting was feeling hard - and I told them I wasn't drinking. I had a really open conversation with them and when they asked why no AL, I said I was abusing it and becoming addicted and didn't like how I felt. Well, they listened. When I walked in, they immediately said hi and put a Perrier in my hands. Well, so much for "other people" not understanding.

It flipped me on my head! Not only did they remember, they supported it and respected me for it? I still thought about it a bit, but I couldn't get over this seemingly divine intervention. I am a NON DRINKER. We ended up leaving fairly early, and I made it through unscathed. I woke up cheerful and clear and ready for Christmas lights and cooking and laundry.

It was a close one folks! Not good that I was ready to partake. I should have come here and talked about it. I don't want to be a drinker. I don't like drinking, I don't like how I feel drinking and no one else cares even a little that I don't drink. SO, it's back to the "shut the f up AL Voice" for me. I need to learn how to get to 30 or 60 days and not feel like it's all ok now, I'm healed. There is no healing but abstaining from AL completely, long term. That was way too close and I need to take that really seriously. The holidays are NOT an excuse to reward ourselves with AL or to become blasé about it. They are an opportunity to feel fabulously sober and clear-headed through the festivities.

Feeling ashamed, and in disbelief all at the same time. My resolve is strengthened. Being a non-drinker is who I am, and others see me that way now too. (BTW, I enjoyed conversing with people SOOO much more last night than other large gatherings. I've learned so much about myself these last few months, and I have become more confident and interested in others. Why in the f'ing world would I want to change that?)

[Fin]

I have good news and bad news (tail between legs). Bad news is that I seriously considered having a Christmas cheer drink last night at a party. BIG holiday party with my husband's work friends, who drink a LOT. I had it all figured out in my mind before we got there that I really could have just a tiny bit in a glass and keep it there ALL night and somehow that was ok (stupid AL).

Good news? This is the crowd that I attended a small gathering with in August when quitting was feeling hard - and I told them I wasn't drinking. I had a really open conversation with them and when they asked why no AL, I said I was abusing it and becoming addicted and didn't like how I felt. Well, they listened. When I walked in, they immediately said hi and put a Perrier in my hands. Well, so much for "other people" not understanding.

It flipped me on my head! Not only did they remember, they supported it and respected me for it? I still thought about it a bit, but I couldn't get over this seemingly divine intervention. I am a NON DRINKER. We ended up leaving fairly early, and I made it through unscathed. I woke up cheerful and clear and ready for Christmas lights and cooking and laundry.

It was a close one folks! Not good that I was ready to partake. I should have come here and talked about it. I don't want to be a drinker. I don't like drinking, I don't like how I feel drinking and no one else cares even a little that I don't drink. SO, it's back to the "shut the f up AL Voice" for me. I need to learn how to get to 30 or 60 days and not feel like it's all ok now, I'm healed. There is no healing but abstaining from AL completely, long term. That was way too close and I need to take that really seriously. The holidays are NOT an excuse to reward ourselves with AL or to become blasé about it. They are an opportunity to feel fabulously sober and clear-headed through the festivities.

Feeling ashamed, and in disbelief all at the same time. My resolve is strengthened. Being a non-drinker is who I am, and others see me that way now too. (BTW, I enjoyed conversing with people SOOO much more last night than other large gatherings. I've learned so much about myself these last few months, and I have become more confident and interested in others. Why in the f'ing world would I want to change that?)

Great job!!

[available]

Kensho life is thrown at us for a reason and looks like you had one. Personally for me it took 7 to 8 months for the internal fighting to stop. Its an emotionally journey as well as an af one. The only task we have to set ourselves is not to drink and not kill people. I managed to not do both, just!

I had the "i will just have one" and no one will know but at the end of the day "i would know" and as we all will say one to an alky is nothing. One shot of heroin/ice/speed is nothing to an addict.

I cleaned my fridge out yesterday and i have two 1/2 bottles of wine that my daughters left. Damn they take up some space and i so wanted to throw them out. You will get to that stage eventually. I put this shit into my body for over 20 years, it doesnt leave us in a nannosecond or year, i dont know if it ever will but the more time i have away from al the more normal my life will be and better. How hard is it to say no when this is our life and the life of our families we are fighting for.

For me now it is a no brainer but i do know how hard it was to switch that al brain off. It will always try and win, it is up to us not to let it. The sense of achievement and being proud of ourselves is the reward for not drinking.

Oh its Monday, where did the weekend go again!