Newbies Nest

[Resolve]

Kensho, you're in fact a very good person. We're just sleeping with the enemy that we didn't choose. It's so confusing and frustrating the hold this substance has over us. We crave it and give so much of ourselves to this struggle, yet despite spending countless hours every day keeping it at bay, talking it down and regulating ourselves we still think about it and want it. The very thing that we want but know, really know, we can't have then turns on us and makes us regret giving in to it even more so than the last time. It's making it the last time, and not the next time, that is the ongoing battle where the only answer that we can strive towards is finding a way to total abstinence and zero tolerance.

At this stage of recovery, I realize more and more that I need to work on my physiological understanding. It's never been that I don't give credence to all the great advice, links and information offered up here with respect to the addictive brain implications, more so that I wasn't ready to begin to absorb it. When I began this battle, I was physically spent and drained. I haven't had the countless quits, but I have had a stupid amount of regret which has carried me for a long while. Now I need to strengthen my case and be more mindful of what's going on in my brain aside from my constant swirling of thoughts and bolster my knowledge since I've realized over time that willpower isn't enough.

So let's not kick ourselves when we're down and give it any more power or control. We're all far more worth it than freakin alcohol, and we do enough beating ourselves up daily. Let's instead keep at it, and with the support here I know we'll continue to celebrate successes and help each other dust off when needed with a good push forward. The cool thing is I know we'll all converge on the same path at some point with some of us just having a few extra zigs or zags.

[narilly]

Kensho, get back up and forge ahead. Take this as a learning experience and keep after it. I fell so many times before this quit and I still have my moments. I posted on Friday because I was having huge cravings and that helped SO much! It amazes me how much that works, posting and reading here.
(and getting my ass kicked by Ava and NS, which has happened!)

I was so busy this weekend, did not have time to post much and still have to go back and read. I see some great posts I have to catch up on.
Kensho- Big hug from me. Lets do this!

[MossRose]

Kensho - you came right back. That's the key. I think many of us here would consider ourselves strong people except when it comes to AL. That's what makes it all so confusing. You are certainly not a bad person. Alcoholism is not a character defect, it's a brain defect - how we think, what we think, and how all the brain chemicals swoosh together. Addiction is a combo platter. All of these things need to be addressed to be successful. Willpower alone didn't cut it for me. So after too many dreary and predictable Day 1s, I changed my diet, began a well-researched program of supplementation, listened to hypnosis apps and mediated to rewire the pathways in my brain, and finally when I felt brave enough, I reached out to people in my real life. At first, it was my counselor. Very safe choice and a good one. Now, my support group includes friends and family and of course, everyone here. But, I truly do understand how scary that is at the beginning. So for now lean on us and really believe that one day these feelings of shame over being a drinker will be replaced with feelings of pride that you have conquered the beast.

You can do this. It's hard. I know how seductive Dick Head is (Byrdie! LOL), but we are stronger. I learned it takes a total commitment. Something I lacked when I first landed in the Nest. I wanted to quit. I needed to quit. But it wasn't until I really, really made the decision to just do it, that the nightmare ended. Stay close. Every single time I have faded away from MWO, I have drank. Period. Every single time.

Daisy - I get how you feel. There are times when I think this struggle is easier alone since my ex was a raging alcoholic. And there are other times, when I would love to have someone to lean on. At least, we have each other.:hug:

My brother is having surgery tomorrow. I am very concerned. He is depleted, and this surgery is brutal. I would appreciate any prayers. I will have my laptop at the hospital, so will check in when I have time.

xx, MR

[frances]

I don't want to be a downer but I just want to get this off my chest because I feel like I'm being deceitful. I don't post much but I read often. On the Saturday before Thanksgiving we had company over for dinner. Before I knew it, we had wine glasses in the kitchen and one of the guests poured me a glass of wine. I can't believe how easily I just told myself 'well, ok, what the heck, I'll just drink it'. And I did. And then one more. Felt stupid about it. Looking back, I did not plan out what I would do if it came up - I think I didn't think it would - it had been so long (~270 days) and things had been going so well and since I was in my own home I guess I just assumed I'd be safe. The part that was so surprising to me is how I just drank it without really even much of a second thought. So yes, it is a sneaky bastard and I don't know what else to say except please please be careful and ready for anything.

Then no drinks but on Thanksgiving I guess I told myself I already messed up, might as well drink. So I had a cocktail and wine with dinner.

Since then nothing. And I don't intend to. I even went to my company Christmas party this past weekend and I was strong and did not drink.

It has been tough and the thoughts, which had quieted and pretty much gone away, are louder and more persistent now. I'm hoping if I stay on track they'll go away soon.

I'm not happy about this but all I can do is pick up and learn from my mistake and make sure I'm ready for the rest of these holiday gatherings - which I was already stressing about and maybe that had something to do with it too. I quit in February so this is new for me.

So Kensho don't feel badly it can happen to anyone let's just brush off and get back on track!

[KENSHO]

I feel like crawling away, but I'm not going to. Ava, I deserve that post. These airways are a gift to be used. I had a fuck-it moment - due in large to overextending myself to a ridiculous degree and then being around people who use AL, some for the same reasons as me, and consider themselves healthy. I thought I could have "just a little" - as a much needed escape. But AL isn't even an enjoyable escape any more. Warm baths, massages, exercise, meditation, reading for pleasure, laughter - these have to be my new escapes, and I have to USE them - even if I feel I have no time.

I have learned that drinking too much makes me feel horrible - mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I have learned that I can't drink and be responsible. Last night I learned that I cannot have ANY alcohol - not even "a little" - which has been very hard for me to admit. I learned that my quit must be first priority - even over keeping up with work. I learned that if I take on too much and push myself to the breaking point, I break.

I have enjoyed my sober time these past few months and that is the life I want. There are so many good ways my life has changed that I can't list them all. I do get tired of "dealing" with this issue, but drinking is not going to make it go away. I guess what it all boils down to is this: the formula to the peace of mind that comes with sobriety is TIME + NO ALCOHOL. Hard for an impatient person.

Thank you all for listening to me and being here when I fall on my head. I know I should have posted. I considered it, but I felt so tired of dealing - of thinking - of trying. I will in the future because I don't think there are any more lessons that I need to learn on my own. I can't drink alcohol - AT ALL, period. And if I want it to be easier, I have to use the support I have and quit taking on so much.

I'm going to go take a warm shower and look forward to waking up sober tomorrow. What a stupid fucking issue this is.

[abcowboy]

Kensho, I'm not going to hug you, or pat you on the back for coming back, what I'm going to ask you, do you want to be sober? If you really do, then pm me, I'll help you get through this...

I'm Bruce, and I'm an alcohol survivor...

[Byrdlady]

Thats the stuff, Kensho and Frances, jump right back in and move forward.
I could still kick myself for blowing it so many times, if we finally learn from these things then all isnt lost. Stay strong and starve that bastard, AL! B

[MossRose]

Kensho - no crawling away Ava, and several others, have given me a stern, but gentle kick in the behind many times when I needed it. Which is why I'm sober today. It's always out of love. Enjoy your evening. Get some rest. I just have a strong feeling that you are one that will make it. Stay focused. You can do this.

[NoSugar]

Frances, coming back as you did so quickly is such a good move. This doesn't have to escalate. The next bit of time might be tough but not nearly as tough as it could have been. I hope you stick close reading, posting - getting and giving support. The scenario you described sounds like one in which it would be so easy to do exactly what you did. We don't have to be neurotic about all of this but we do need to stay aware. I'm so glad you are here :hug:

I do get tired of "dealing" with this issue, but drinking is not going to make it go away.

You're right, Kensho. Drinking keeps this issue in the center of your life. If life were that awful Chutes and Ladders game, for us, drinking is that really long chute. Every time. What will make this issue much easier to deal with is Not Drinking. It will still be part of your life - it needs to be because as Frances' experience reveals, it is too risky not to stay alert to the situation. But it doesn't have to be a burden. It can be social and rewarding and sometimes even fun.

ABCowboy, if you know the Secret to Sobriety, I sure wish you'd tell all of us :smile:!

[abcowboy]

You have to find peace within yourself, alcohol will cloud your judgement, no different than the drugs from the pharmaceutical companies will do, but ask yourself, do you want be sober? Or do you want to be a drunk? Many on this site will tell you they have found the way, they have, for them, but what about you? Have you found your way? Is your way to keep coming back to ask to start again? I don't have to ask to start again, there is no starting over for me, this is my last chance, I wish you all the best of luck, TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE!

[Byrdlady]

Kensho - no crawling away Ava, and several others, have given me a stern, but gentle kick in the behind many times when I needed it. Which is why I'm sober today. It's always out of love. Enjoy your evening. Get some rest. I just have a strong feeling that you are one that will make it. Stay focused. You can do this.

M.R., if it hadn't been for Lav's tough love, I might still be wallowing around in my own juices. In her nice way, she told me to quit repeating the same mistakes, to shore up my Plan and quit feeling sorry for myself (practice gratitude instead)! Of course, she didnt state it quite that way, but that was the nut of it. When I finally listened, I was able to get it together. Now, I follow her lead, so far, so good! B

[MossRose]

Cowboy, I think it's a given that everyone here wants to be sober. I've been a member of MWO for quite some time, and I have seen people join, leave, fail, struggle, and succeed. Sometimes, the same person will do all of these things before they find their way out. It's just not that simple. I know you are determined to make this your final quit. And that is a very, very good thing. It's the way it should be for all of us, and I wish you the very best. But it's not always such a straight line for everyone. I don't think we should look at it as "asking" to start over. It just is what it is. People fall, they dust themselves off, and they start again,until they get it right. I'm not trying to be contrary. I wish we all could do it right the first time. There would be so much less strife in our lives. But until that day arrives, I am going to continue to support those who make the wrong decision, even more than once. I was one of those people.

[abcowboy]

I've changed enough diapers in my time to know when it's time to tell them to learn to use the toilet, I've had more than enough pm's from those who are afraid to post because of this, I will keep my thanks on the 24 hour club and the gratitude thread

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,
Wow, the nest has been busy today!!!!

Kensho & Frances, Byrdie keeps talking about me kicking her ass way back. I guess I did but I did it with much love & the best of intentions. It truly hurts my heart to see good people falling into the same well worn ruts. It turns out that you don't need a freaking miracle to climb out. Just reach out & grab a hand from the nest! Take that leap of faith & trust when we say "I quit & you can too'. Ultimately you have to decide what you really want. If you want to quit & stay quit then stick around, revise your plans & don't listen to that nagging voice in your head ~ it's all bullshit!

Wishing everyone a super safe night in the nest - stay warm everyone!

Lav

[little beagle]

I had a before and after scenario today. In my work, I have clients who only call occasionally. Before a party, when they are sick and can't clean for themselves, etc.
I cleaned for a lady getting ready for a Christmas party. The last time I cleaned for her was before I quit drinking. What a difference. Last time I was anxious, sweaty, nervous, rushing to get finished because I felt so awful. This time I was relaxed, happy to be clear headed on a Monday, and the job just fell into place.
This is why I don't drink.