Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

I think we all deserve better Open Halo! Way to go Frances - victory! Moss, your story hurts my heart. Im sorry you have to go through it.

I wondered if anyone had thoughts about the spouse support thing. My husband brought up the "open bar" at a hotel we may be at and I looked at him and said, "Your wife doesn't drink. She shouldn't drink." He has always thought I am a hypochondriac, and he thinks I'm "not as bad as I think I am". I gave him a few examples of how I was "that bad" - chugging from a bottle in the kitchen while he watched tv, obsessing about much more than one after that one. He said he's seen me have only one plenty of times, and I reminded him that's only the ones he saw. Is he in denial or did I just hide it that well? He said he fully respects my decision not to drink, but that he feels I am not an alcoholic and that there are "far worse" cases out there. I told him I need his support - but what I think would be really helpful is if I had his belief. Not sure where to go from here.

Keep up the great work everyone. It's not feeling easy with the holidays and short days here!

[MossRose]

Hi Kensho. This isn't that unusual. Your husband is frightened. The entire dynamic of your marriage will change now that you have quit drinking. It will change for the better, but he doesn't know what that looks like yet. So even though he may truly support you in his heart, he is pushing for the status quo. It's easier. It's comfortable. It's familiar. Just stay true to yourself, stay sober, and give him some time. If this continues, then we need to talk. But I really think that once he realizes that you are serious about AL no longer being part of your life, he'll come around. You have some struggles to work through, but it's doable. I know you're frustrated. Take a deep breath. We're standing with you. xx

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Great to see everyone!
I'm worn out & need to rest up as much as possible tonight. My two grandsons will be spending the next two nights here & that's all I'm going to say about that. They are ages 3 & 6 & they never stop if you know what I mean!!!

Matt, I've been away from health care for a while now but I can't forget what I've seen either. It stays with you forever!

Kensho, I didn't have much in the way of spousal support either when I quit. He was busy working on his own breakdown of sorts. I managed & I'm sure you will too :hug:

Greetings to all & wishes for a safe & cozy night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Ginger999]

Lav, we have our 3 and 6 year old grandsons this weekend too! Wish we were closer we could have a play date.

[Byrdlady]

Kensho, I dont think anyone but folks right here understand what AL does to us. Even my hubs, who threatened to leave, later offered me wine. They think this is just something you can get over, or something you can just WATCH. They do not understand the compulsion involved with it, and how one drink isn't going to do it for us. While they dont mean to, they make us question our decisions, too. Maybe we WERENT as bad as so and so. There will always be people who are worse than we were, but does being less bad than someone else mean you are 'just fine'? No, there are degrees of bad and we are all in the team photo, or we wouldnt be here. Normal drinkers dont get this. My hubs gets it now, I have told him the ugly truth. He now has my back. B

[little beagle]

I didn't get a lot of support when I stopped drinking, but my life has changed so much for the better that my hubby sees it and now supports me 100%. He even quit himself 4 months after I did. Recovery is contagious.

[KENSHO]

Thank you MR, Lav, Byrd, LB. I think he'll understand with time. He did say, "Well, if you consider yourself an alcoholic, then I'm one too." Though I pointed out that I drank at least twice what he did, I think my stopping makes him look at himself. Oh well, on with the march. Night night Nest.

[Matt M.]

Hi Kensho. This isn't that unusual. Your husband is frightened. The entire dynamic of your marriage will change now that you have quit drinking. It will change for the better, but he doesn't know what that looks like yet. So even though he may truly support you in his heart, he is pushing for the status quo. It's easier. It's comfortable. It's familiar. Just stay true to yourself, stay sober, and give him some time. If this continues, then we need to talk. But I really think that once he realizes that you are serious about AL no longer being part of your life, he'll come around. You have some struggles to work through, but it's doable. I know you're frustrated. Take a deep breath. We're standing with you. xx

Good stuff Moss You took the words right out of my mouth, way more grammatically correct and cleaner.

Kensho~ I'm glad you had that conversation. Moss nailed it. Your actions will solidify his belief.
I believe we all want approval and positive recognition from our spouses. We must work on us and rest should fall into place.

[BeachGirly]

Kensho,
I am totally with you on this!!
I just had this discussion with my husband again this eve. He cannot believe I want to quit forever. He thinks I can drink in moderation. I explained, I cannot and I have no stop button. He thinks that will change in time. I know different.

We then discussed Christmas, my mother will be staying with us. She needs a drinking buddy and likes to think it is me.
I have decided I need to tell her, I am not drinking - anything. And there will be no wine in the house. I would love her to come spend a few days with us, but there will be no wine. I am scared to tell her this, to expose myself as well as to possibly not have Christmas with her, but I need to take care of myself now.

I am sure my husband will come around. He does see it - just not ready to admit it, as he would have to acknowledge his own problem.

Hang in there _ WE are with you on this quit!

[available]

Beachy just remember to protect your quit with your life. Everyone else will "get it" when they see the difference in you and you can still be fun to be around sober. My mother also loved to drink with me but when i gave up i know secretly she was grateful that she would not lose another child to alcoholism. She didnt want to drink in front of me but i said it was ok, as much as i would salivate for that drink i knew i had to be strong enough to not drink. Why should i stop her from drinking, she didnt have the problem, i did. My children come to visit and i have never stopped them from drinking, i have the problem, not them. They were always careful to empty out their unfinished glasses which i appreciated and it got easier in time. Now i have so many 1/2 bottles of wine in the fridge they annoy me as they take up space.

Moss i am glad your brother is okay. Its an up and down daily battle for them in the early days and we can only be there. Robert has a bag for his bowels and one for his stomach now but he wants to live, he has not lost that will. I am sometimes worried , about him emotionally but we talk about how he feels, he has to be positive and i hope i give a bit of that to him with me being there. i know he appreciates me being there for 10 mins or an hour, our text messages, our fb messages, me doing his washing, buying him a coffee, giving him a kiss and a cuddle, holding his hand. Its the small things that make a world of difference.

Well Linda life is moving on, i have made it to another date with a man i am interested in. A bloody miracle but i am not drinking. Its all new being sober and not having that crutch of al to get me through. He had a drink yesterday and the glass was right in front of me and i had absolutely no urge to drink it but what scared me was an automatic response to pick up that glass instead of the water i had. The best thing was when he told me how proud he was of me for not drinking and how much better as a person i was. He met me in my drinking/hiding days and text and email days drunk. Whoa, nearly blew it, well i did blow it for a year but now its better, so much better and maybe emotionally i am ready to forget my past and have a damn good future that i deserve.

[frances]

On the husband topic - my husband also has had a hard time understanding my quitting. But he has been overall supportive. Although it stood out to me that when I had my - I like to call it 'slip' - he didn't say a word about it and hasn't. He never had any problem with my drinking and it was something we did together a lot and enjoyed so I'm sure he misses that aspect to some degree. And his initial reservations, I think, were about concern that I would change, things would change and be different....a fear of the unknown. But it has turned out to be all good and no negative. We did talk about it a few months ago and he said he was fine with it though he always pictured us in retirement going to wineries, etc. I said we can still do that I'll go with you I just won't drink. I still haven't told him all the problems I was having, sneaking, obsessing, etc. - I should do that.

I do think some part of him wishes I still drank. On the positive side I know he enjoys having a designated driver when we go out and now I'm always there and ready and able when the kids need rides on the weekends so I'm sure he likes that part too!

He still drinks daily, and too much, but I haven't talked to him about that. I have been worrying about myself for now. At some point I am going to talk to him about his drinking - he is like I was - anywhere from 2-6 drinks daily. But he doesn't really get 'drunk', he works, he is social, but I know it is not good for him and he would be so much better off if he stopped and would feel so much better. Anyway that's for another day once I get myself fully together.

Have a good day everyone I better get ready for work now!

[NoSugar]

This still doesn't solve the problem if someone wants you to drink moderately but is a good argument for why a woman isn't like a man when it comes to drinking:

When it comes to alcohol, men and women are inherently unequal and no legislation can impose sexual equality on them. It's absolutely essential for the health and safety of women to understand this inequality and act accordingly.Contrary to common myth, not even men and women of the same height and weight experience the same effects from consuming identical amounts of alcohol.
Women are affected by alcohol more rapidly because they tend to have a higher proportion of body fat than men. As fat cannot absorb alcohol, it is concentrated at higher levels in the blood. Women also have less of a gastric or stomach enzyme (dehydrogenase) that metabolizes or breaks down alcohol before it enters the bloodstream. Because of this, women absorb up to nearly 30% more alcohol into their bloodstream than men of the same height and weight who drink the same amount of alcohol. Women are also usually shorter and lighter than men, further concentrating alcohol in their blood. Therefore, when women of average size consume one drink, it will have almost the same effect as two drinks do for the average-size man. If women eat little or skip food entirely, that compounds the effects of drinking alcohol.
Hormone changes during the menstrual cycle can also affect alcohol metabolism adversely, increasing the impact of alcohol.
The bottom line is that a woman who hopes to "hold her own" in drinking against a man is putting herself at great risk.

http://www2.potsdam.edu/alcohol/HealthIssues/1055861926.html#.VIrTR2KCOrU

[ShoshannaDreyfus]

Good morning, Day 8 here. I got to read over the threads from last night and this morning and it was really great to read everyone's point of view and what we are all basically going through. Drinking in my extended family is the norm, and mass quantities of it. I would personally like it to be not be in my immediate. I've been prepping for Christmas that when I'm offered a drink I just plan on telling people I don't drink anymore, and if I'm asked why my reasoning will be I just want to be healthier. And really, that is the truth and all people really need to know. I asked my husband if he feels that I am alcoholic and he doesn't, he believes there are varying stages and extremes when it comes to that but he doesn't feel I am now. He thinks I do have a problem with it, but he's very happy I'm working on it and went for extra help and also included him in on it. I told him the website and the handle I use.

But I have two little girls who have decided they don't like each other right now and have been fighting a lot, a little bit of jealousy and sharing issues so my day is consumed breaking up fights between a 1 and 2.5 year old and doing some disciplining and then some loving. Never to early to teach them right from wrong, how to get along and at the end of it to still love each other.

[Lavande]

Good morning Nesters & happy Friday!

It's been one busy week for all of us I see
Busy is generally good - keep us out of trouble!

Good luck on that date Ava!

It's takes a bit if time to convince spouses & others that we are done with AL. I know it's annoying, just hang in there.
In my case I suggested to my husband that he could use the time to clean up some of his own shitty behaviors, ha ha! He didn't think he had any!!! I'm looking forward to celebrating six AF years in March. I will do it quietly at home but throw a big party here, just like I do every year

Wishing everyone a great AF Friday!

Lav

[Fin]

Day 10 and really feel like I've turned over a new leaf. For any lurkers out there, I'm here to tell you that long-term abstinence is the way out. I seriously can't believe how much better I feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am so grateful for MWO and my friends here. Have a successful day everyone.

Sincerely,
-Fin